So, when I have guests, they do not do any thing to help with dinner prep, clean up, etc. I have invited them to my home. They get to sit back and relax taking a break from responsibilities. Do I hope they won’t leave their stuff all over and will at least keep their stuff (in their space) tidy, yes. Do I clear the table and take care of clean up, yes! I’m not saying she is to have a bell and ring it if she wants something with you running to her every need, but it is not her home and she is your guest.
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If they offer its another story. When they are a guest i wouldnt bother them to help. When you go over just do the same 
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She’s a guest, I would never ask a guest to cook and clean up
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She’s doing what she is supposed to do. She has raised her kid and it’s time for her to sit back and enjoy those grandbabies.
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I was raised to be a host if I have guests so I dont expect help BUT I was also raised that as a guest,I offer my help.
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My mother does this and wants to be entertained as well. I don’t have her over as much. It isn’t fun and a lot of extra work for me.
So when I invite people over, I do not expect them to pitch in or clean, even if they are family. They are the guest and shouldn’t have to worry about it. 
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I wouldn’t want my MIL in my kitchen at all. I need to be in there alone where I can avoid her as long as possible and flip the bird in her general direction when I hear her say something annoying… but even if that weren’t the case, I never expect a guest to help out in any way. If you get annoyed at having to treat her like a guest for dinner, don’t invite her over to eat! She can come over between/after meals to visit with your daughter.
If she is a guest, you are responsible to do those things. You are the host.
I’ve never heard of anyone expecting their guest to help with those things.
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She’s a guest in your home, she doesn’t live there! 
I would never expect any guests related or not to help with dinner or cleaning. It would be different if she actually lived with you, but she’s a guest in your house. Be hospitable!
She’s a guest and the grandmother to your child and your husband’s mother. Have some respect. Yes,wait on her hand and foot, she has earned it.
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I was raised that you never expect a guest to help with those things. And even when they offer, unless they absolutely insist, you decline the offer. I also do offer to help out, and normally people decline that offer, though I don’t complain when they actually ask me to help.
I mean, I could understand being this upset if she was expecting a foot massage, and a back rub, etc. Possibly your experiences are different, but unless she is coming over all the time and never pitching in, I can’t possibly see it as a problem
I always offer to help at my daughter in law’s house, she usually declines ,& I respect her wishes. I play with the kids, that’s why I am there to play, bond with, entertain the grandchildren & give her a break from momming.
If you inveted her over then she’s a guest at you home and guests should be treated with respect. Same as if she invites you to her home. You are a guest… now if you take it upon yourself to help prep food and such at her home thats on you… if i had my inlaws over I would never expect them to help prep food and such… have some respect for your in laws…
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I have to yell at my.mother in law every time she comes over …show.mowed my whole lawn last time! Lmao! But really I wish shed just sit back and relax! Let your MIL be when shes visiting…keeping children occupied os all she needs to do that’s y she is there not to do your house work
If it were me i would insist that she just sit and let me take care of everything. Because thats how i would treat her and also would treat all my guests as so. My mother in law has passed and i wish i could do that for her one more time!!!
If she’s a guest, she shouldn’t be expected to help cook or clean. She is there for family time. Unless she’s snapping her fingers, calling you for a glass of water, that is not “being waited on hand and foot”. I would never expect a guest in my home to help with anything
I say it all depends on her age and her health condition. I am a MIL under 70 and fortunate to have good health, although I get tired sooner than I used to 3 years ago, I help out as much as I can because I believe that the more I keep active the better I will feel! I bail from helping if I absolutely need to do so!!! My family understands, as they should. Sorry you’re bothered by your situation - find out what her case is. Does she cater to you at her place? These types of cases are unique to the status of each situation. Wish you the best resolve! 
I’m sure she’s made dinner, set the table and cleaned up after dinner plenty of times in her life. Let her sit back now. She deserves it. That’s rude of you to expect her to be helping you. You are hosting, treat her like a guest.
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I see your point but I don’t necessarily agree with it. A MIL is still considered a guest in your home, so she should be treated as so. If she offers help then that’s a great bonus but it should not be expected. 
My MIL helps with cooking and cleaning but I don’t expect her to do that. I also like to offer help at other people’s houses; it’s just respectful in my eyes.
When I invite anyone to our home I have no problem waiting on our guest hand and foot! I invited you, and I want you to relax and enjoy yourself. I’m glad I’m not your mother in law!
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The first couple of times someone comes over they are a guest, after that they know their way around and should clean up after themselves. My MIL and I don’t always get along but she still offers to help out. If I’m expected to clean up after myself at her house then the same goes ya my house. I have been apart of this family for 18 years sorry you’re not a guest anymore. Talk to her or talk to your husband about how you feel. If you don’t it’s just going to lead to further resentment.
If my mum dad nan mother in law who ever come to my house I will cook clean bring them drinks even friends. Your in my home I expect you to be with us not clean. I would expect my in laws and mum dad etc to sit playing with my children having a great time (even though my dad does try to wash up and I have to tell him off 
)
I think she’s standing down to respect your home and your flow of doing things. Plus she’s a guest now in another woman’s kitchen/home. If she was in your space you might be annoyed there too like doesn’t she think I can set a table? Cook? Clean up? I say let it slide.
Is this how she was raised? I know when my in-laws came over I waited on them. It is a matter of elder respect in some cultures. Even though my grandsons will leave their things often they will get me plate, etc for me. They do not object to me helping cook or doing the dishes though.
When l visit my son and daughter in law l am not allowed to help cook or do dishes. He wants me to rest and relax. He knows that my vacation is visiting him. A very different way to look at the situation. They host people at their home throughout the year. Maybe after the 18 or so years she waited on him, she enjoys resting.
I don’t know what the situation is… but maybe you are literally the only one who has ever done that for her!! Perhaps!! I do understand your frustration, ask your hubby if he wouldn’t mind pitching in extra help when she is around, it is his mom! 
It would be one thing if she lived with you but she is a guest. I don’t know why you would expect a guest to help with such things.
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Not going to lie we put up a baby gate just to keep the grandparents out of my kitchen… the baby doesn’t need one lol… And I’m glad they have time with the grandkids!
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You have to do them when someone’s not the r e so just do it if she doesn’t offer quit worrying about it
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That’s exactly what she should be doing. I never let anyone I have over for dinner help. I was raised to wait on my elders and that includes my mil.
My situation is different only because we live on the west coast and our families live on the east coast but I will say no matter if they stay with me or choose to stay at a hotel I dont expect and sort of help. And that will be the exact same when we move closer. Though my parents and his parents of course offer help but I decline simply because its my house. I dont want them to help because when they come over its their chance to just relax. Granted my mother in law really wanted to make us dinner and I offered to help and I did the dishes but I don’t expect her to do anything around the house its not her job
My opinion is don’t have people over if you don’t like hosting that’s a part of it regardless of who it is. Yes it’s nice to get help but shouldn’t be expected. I’d love for my kids to have anyone just come to spend time I’d host that anytime.
I mean this sounds just like having a guest over to your house? Don’t get me wrong my mil and I are not best buds but when she is at my house it is my house. I cook and clean and only ask her to pick up after her own items.
You could just ask for help, ask if she could help out the dishes away. Or maybe ask for her to give the kiddos a bath while you clean up?
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Yeah that’s just a generational thing. My advice may not be welcome but I advise you to release it and accept it. It will be easier than creating conflict. It’s not worth it.
I would never expect any of my guests to clean up or help me, I’m the host. But my mother in law would definitely help me clean because that’s just how she is.
I’m old schooled and my kids were raised that easy. We ask the host if we can doing anything to help (unless I’m tired) BUT 95% of time I ask. I say no to offers of help cause their my guests. And I never expect them to help. If they don’t offer I am not offended. I don’t expect guests whether family or friends to help. I’m the host
When we go to my parents or in laws they don’t make us help (we still offer to) & when they come to ours they offer to help but I would rather them spend time with my son since it’s normally just on weekends because they work during the week .
Um that’s how I expect all my guests should feel in my house! I’d love for my parents to be able to come to my home and spend time with their grandchildren while I host them. Some people aren’t fortunate enough to have their parents/grandparents around anymore. My kids would adore spending that time with their grandparents. And nothing would be too much trouble for me in that situation. That goes for any guests in my house!
I never expect guests to cook/clean/etc. They’re guests in my home, no matter who they are. If they offer, I may take them up on it, depending on how busy I am, but they didn’t come to my house to cook and clean.
On the opposite side, I would never go to someone’s house for dinner and not help. It’s just how I was raised. You help in some way.
I have always helped at my MIL’s house ,of course there were times I had to take care of my babies and probably didn’t do as much . I wouldn’t expect her to help at our house but she did , but she also was great with our girls and my neices. Cherish that she loves and enjoys your children! Im sure shes put in her time and enjoys sitting back a little.
I have a different point of view. I don’t expect my in laws to help, but from my standpoint, when I’m at someone’s house… I offer to help with anything and offer to do dishes. My mama raised me to always do more than asked. Also when I babysat, she told me to do dishes and make sure everything is cleaned up.
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She is a mom… respect her
In Pakistan we dont allow our mother in law , father in law to do any work …
They have done alot now it is our tym
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I don’t mind doing things for my in laws when they come to visit. I wait on my parents hand and foot when they come over so I do the same for his parents. That’s just my opinion.
I agree with Erika how I wad raised if it’s your party you’re the host you prepare you cook you serve and clean up and entertain they go home 
And if they choose to help you God bless them otherwise as she said above don’t host anymore 
Our parents took care of us for years. Please give her this time as appreciation. Someday you won’t have her and you will miss not picking up her dish.
Girl she’s the matriarch, sit back and play your position. One day you too will be calling the shots 
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I don’t ask a guest to do that whether they are a family member or otherwise. It’s rude. If they offer, that’s fine, otherwise what you described above would be perfectly okay in my home. I ask to help if I am the guest, but I do not expect my mother or MIL to help when they are over, and if they ask, I turn them down out of respect for their age and their desire to visit with my children.
See u point that maybe a lil ridiculous but enjoy the lil time and its your house so if she didnt do something right wouldnt that irritate u?? My MIL coming in town Sat and im overjoyed to have her she helps clean cook kids everything but best believe my house is spotless when she arrives and the lil spots toilets under microwave. Garbage cans. Fidge things we busy moms dont Do everyday etc!!! Lol
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She’s your MIL and a guest in your home she shouldn’t have to do anything, YES, it would be nice to at least ask if she can help BUT she obviously isn’t the type. Count down the days until she leaves and be a good host. If she bothers you maybe next time offer for her to go to a hotel. 
I don’t expect my Mother or anyone to help me at my house. If they do it’s because they want to. Let her enjoy the kids. She’s a guest.
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I wait on my in laws when they are here. I absolutely do not expect her to lift a finger, however she helps clean up even though I tell her not to. My mil is an amazing woman though and I love and respect her very much.
You should feel grateful that she isn’t pushing her way into the way you do things I’d take it as a compliment that she enjoys the way you handle things relax and allow her to enjoy her grandkids and your cooking. It’s not the end of life
I am guessing she is old school and when you are a guest at your childrens house she shouldn’t have to have to lift a finger. It is your house she raised you husband. She deserves a break and enjoy her grandkids. If you don’t like her over for dinner because she is an inconvenient to you then don’t have her over. I would never ask my mother to help clean up. If she offered then I wouldn’t let her.
How are sooooo many people saying “guests don’t help with that” “please let her be” " it sounds like you don’t like her"??
I get the whole MIL not doing dishes or helping prepare the food, BUT she SHOULD be taking her own plate to the sink and not allowing others to clean up after her like a restaurant. I NEVER make someone take my plate when I am at their place. NEVER. So RUDE! I don’t always help with prep or cleanup, but I do sometimes as it’s POLITE. Some of you need to learn more manners
Wait what’s your problem? In what world do you even suggest making not only a guest but your mother in law to clear a table. She paid her dues. Get a grip. I don’t let me my mom lift a finger when she visits and I’ll be damned if any significant other in my life even tried to make as bold a statement as this. God forbid you have to do an extra dish or two
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surely this is a joke? When I have anyone over for food whether family or friends I do not expect them to help or do the pots 
Even when they offer I say no it’s fine, they are a guest in my home no matter how many times they have been!
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I can’t believe this is even a question. She’s a guest. This is what you’re suppose to do.
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She raised your husband and im sure has helped you many times in some way or another maybe she just want a break and spend time with her granddaughter maybe that is the only time she gets to stop and let someone wait on her wait tell you loose her and then you will miss it
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If you go over to her house and she waits on you hand and foot like you’re describing, then I’d call it a fair trade. But if not, then I would speak to the SO about that.
I treated my MIL as a guest in our house but also helped with cooking and cleaning at her house. I didn’t mind at all. In our culture, it’s kind of expected of in-laws.
This might cause heated discussions but I was always told if the same guest visits more than 3 times their family. I would always offer help regardless of who’s home I am in its polite and shows appreciation. Sorry but it’s how I was raised everyone is equal x
I don’t know the relationship between you and your mother in law or her relationship with your spouse, but I am going to go out on a limb and say she’s earned it. My parents don’t lift a finger in my house. They’ve earned it. And honestly I’ll be the mother in law in the future lol. I’m paying my dues now.
She’s a guest in your home. If she’s traveling to get to you, she’s acquired costs as well as the time to get to and from. It’s not her job to prepare meals in YOUR home. I would never expect my mother or my MIL to come over for supper and prepare it! That’s just poor manners in general. Would you invite your friend and her husband over and be upset they didn’t cook the meal, YOU invited them over for? This isn’t being waited on hand and foot, this is called hospitality.
My mother in law isn’t allowed to lift a finger when she comes to my house and she relaxes … she did her time now it’s our time to take care of her.
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My MIL does the same and I actually love it, she does so much already and it’s nice to be able to watch her sit back as we take care of her.
If I’m having people over, I’m catering to them and don’t expect them to do anything. If they help, that’s great (most of the time when they do help I respond with “you know you don’t have to do that”), But it’s never expected.
When people come over to my house to visit, I gladly grab their plates and such from the table and tidy up my own kitchen. My boyfriend helps sometimes, but I’m so happy to see him hang out with his adult kids and our grandson. We clean up the rest later on.
When his mother comes over, every so often, she’s NEVER expected to do ANYTHING other than just visit and relax. That sweet woman has hosted a multitude of holidays, more than I can count - AND, many of us pitch in to help with cleanup at HER house, since we’re thankful that she’s done all the prep and a lot of the purchasing of the food and supplies to gather there, regularly.
It sounds like there’s some other negative vibe, here, so I wish I could hear more about your relationship with your MIL.
My ex-husband’s mother did the same thing, and I would have never expected her to clean up after herself.
When people are offered food at my home, or come over, just for that reason, I do not ever EXPECT anything other than for them to enjoy their visit.
If they offer to help, I may accept, but mostly only to clear the table. I clean my own kitchen pretty quickly, and I WANT them to relax and am happy to see them happy and visiting.
It sounds like there’s something more to this than what we we’re being told.
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She is your MIL and a guest…I would never expect her to help…that is just me.
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sounds like some of my inlaws. Listen if she only comes rarely LET IT BE. She propably figures I did my share of entertaining. I always always helped my mil never had to be told or asked, my sil is the opposite-but that’s all right. I know I did the right thing, my husband knows I done the right thing. My mother in law usually helps me but if she doesn’t and spends time with my kids then you know what I don’t get mad. Let her enjoy being with your kids and do not sweat over waiting on her
Has there ever been a situation where you got in a tiff with her over cleaning? Maybe she doesn’t want to over step. I feel like maybe this is one sided. Let her spend time with the kids
She has probably spent the majority of her life waiting on others (most moms do) I’d say as long as it’s not every weekend, you should. Then someday it will be your turn when you have grandkids.
My mom and my mil help or at least offer to help if we host at our home. Same if we go to their home, we help out. In my opinion parents are not guests… they are part of your family and they should help out. Have you asked her to help ever? How does she react? “Hey Karen, do you mind helping set the table please?” Just see how it goes. If you want things to change you have to work on communicating your needs but also checking your expectations. Best of luck.
If my mother or mother-in-law ever thought they had to do anything other than walk in my home Eat and play with their grandbabies they would be sadly mistaken, I would treat them like Queens,
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She is a guest in your home. How would you feel if she came over and just took over- is making meals( what she likes not what your family is used to) you wouldn’t like that either and if you want some help ask her I’m sure she would like to spend time with you helping out. I would be great full for distracting the kids so I could get stuff done. Think of it that way.
It’s called respect your elders. At their house we all help, when they are with us we do it all. It’s time they should be enjoying the kids or relaxing
Sorry, unless she is there every night and relies on you to feed her, she is a guest and should be treated as such.
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Yikes!!! I am missing something here. She doesn’t live in your house, she is your guest. I guess we are all raised differently, view respect differently, view family & love differently. Maybe your MIL is trying to give you space in your own home? Trying not to step on your toes? Also, she is your MIL. One day you will be a MIL and let’s pray you are treated with grace.
My mom ia not allowed to do anything when she comes to visit,her time is with her grandbabies & we always spoil her & as far as my mil she lives across the street & we have our get togethers we wash her dishes & separate food so any of the family wants to take food home & we put her a plate to the side for later. We put her house back to the way it was before we arrived if not better.They’ve always done the catering ,its our turn to be appreciative. Honestly you sound selfish,& if you don’t see her that often why would it bother you so much! Let your mil relax.
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She might not feel comfortable enough to take the first step into her daughter in laws kitchen. Have you tried asking her if you would like to help you do anything.???
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Wow… no help here… sounds like you still have some growing up to do. You said it… she’s playing with your daughter during these times… your not cleaning up for her, your giving your daughter time with a relative… your doing it for your daughter.
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I would never expect my MIL to clean or help when she’s visiting. She’s the guest. I pick up her plate and wash it for her. When I visit her house, I find something to do around her house; she doesn’t want me too but i still do. She has done soooo much for me and my family, i find ways to love, and cherish her. I think you need to get over it, at least you have a MIL that loves your children. The bond between my MIL and I is like no other❤
Wow really. 
Mental Health is a serious concern nowadays. As I always say common sense is not so common. 
offense or no offense if you can’t stand ppl at your house stop inviting them… If all else fails get a divorce cause the one time you host your MIL is too much for you. 
Grow up do you really expect guest at your house to clean up. What is wrong with ppl.
I would never think of asking my MIL to help…if we have her over for dinner i would want her to relax n enjoy herself… i wouldn’t consider myself her maid i would consider her our guest n she shouldn’t be expected to do anything unless she really wants too:)
When we have family dinners everybody helps, with everything. Before and after because everybody in my dad’s family is stubborn and won’t take no for an answer. On the other hand I was raised that if you have a guest over you don’t ask them to help, if they offer then you can say yes please or no thank you. An that if I go to somebody else’s house at least offer to help. My MIL lives with us she’s responsible for caring for her area of the house, but if I’m cooking/getting dinner ready I don’t ask her to help.
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I love all these comments about taking care of her and being a good host. I’ll be honest, I expected more people to say, “don’t invite her back!” Or whatever. I’m glad people are being so gracious. I’m a DIL and a MIL. It’s such a weird relationship and when it’s bad it’s really bad but when it’s good it’s really good.
As a MIL, I always want to help out…but that’s just me. My MIL wouldn’t be expected to do anything other than “take a load off” and forget about working for a little while. Your husband can “pick up the slack”. She’s a guest!
Ask her casually - if she could lend a hand. She may not know if it is okay to help in YOUR Kitchen. Some women are very territorial about their kitchen. Personally, I’m not. I love the help but, my daughter is territorial about her kitchen.
If you’ve invited her over for dinner then she should be a guest she should not be helping prepare dinner or cleaning up after she should be playing with her grandchildren while the parents are busy
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I would never let my in laws or my parents help. Let them enjoy the kids while they are young.
If she is a guest, family or not she should
Not have to help with anything, if she offers you should still say no out of respect, I am sure if she came over and was helpful then she would be to controlling. Idk sounds like you may have other issues with her personally
Is she over another that she should feel like immediate family? Or is it a few enough that she still feels like extended family and a guest in your house? As a guest she shouldn’t be expected to contribute but if she’s coming to dinner once a week or more often then simply ask her to give a hand. “Hey Mom, could you please hand me that stack of dishes while I put this food away?”.
I never expect a guest, even family, to clean up at my house. Has never even crossed my mind. I do appreciate when parents clean up after their children at my house, but even then many times they put things in all the wrong places so I have to do it again anyway lol.
I would do that for my mother over n over n would do the same for my husbands mother in respect too.
Yes if they were living with us then the matters would have been different. N if I could Offord I would keep a house help instead of asking n old person to help. If she can’t but if she can then I’d be polite n ask her to plz pass the dishes to me.
She probably did all the hosting when she was your age and you’ll be able to sit back when you’re her age. I adore my mother-in-law would never expect her to lift a finger when she’s at my house. It’s kind of like a respect thing also. You should be blessed that she wants to come visit
Personally, if I invite people over to eat, it’s not their responsibility to help with clean up. I also have a rule in my house where I cook and someone else (kids usually) do the clean up minus the dishes that I will usually catch the next morning.
In my culture they way I was raised that is the way we do things when someone comes over our house I still do that with certain people but here everything is different but if you don’t like that ask her for help in a polite way so she don’t feel any type of way …
While I find it is common courtesy to clear your own plate, I do not feel that guests should feel the need to help out. It is nice when they offer. If they are not outright being slobs then no harm no foul. Honestly I wish my MIL would STOP “helping” because more often than not it’s not what I wanted, etc.
I wouldn’t expect anyone that visits to do anything if they want to help I usually say that’s ok go relax enjoy yourself
She is family. If you do it on a daily basis for the rest of your family, it shouldn’t be any different. They’ll be a time when she won’t be there with you and you will miss it.