Yeah this doesn’t sound like she’s expecting to be waited on hand and foot this sounds like she is a guest in your home and is acting appropriately so I’m a little lost
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My parents live with my husband and I and we don’t expect them to do anything.
They’re our elders. We respect them. Some have never been taught respect.
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That’s the difference between being a guest and being a host! Even close family members can be treated as guest. If she wants to help, great! But please do not assume she is doing anything wrong by enjoying herself and her company.
She is a mother, not a child. I am the kind of person who will do all this stuff because I was a waitress and it is just in me. I like hosting and watching people have fun. But it does stink when everyone has a great time and you just keep cleaning and cleaning. It shouldn’t be that way.
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Unless there is underlining issues, this is ridiculous! It sounds like the MIL simply enjoys being around her granddaughter and family. Enjoy your family and quit trying to find the bad in it all!
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I think as ur MIL
As any other guest who would come over , we wouldn’t ask them to set the table or help serve or clean up, BUT I THINK Maybe what ur headed towards is at least a “offering” on her behalf to help which i don’t blame you for. But ultimately she is a guest. The only thing i didn’t agree on is picking up her plate? That would never fly for me
But again i get the offering part, because i come from a traditional Mexican family and even if it’s MY house, my grandma, my mom and my mother in law will be in the kitchen either cooking too or serving themselves or helping me clean up after my kids. So i get it but when i only have my mother and father in law over i like to host
I wouldnt want my mother in law to be in my home more than she needs to be
Lol. I’ll prep by myself and clean up if it makes her presence a lot less. Lol. But I do understand where you’re coming from.
I am a mil. None of my children allow me to lift a finger. I keep the kids and the dog entertained and they fill the dishwasher etc. I babysit children as well as dog when they want a little time to themselves. All is well on both sides. Sometimes older people get in the way as they try to be helpful. When I was younger and entertained their families, I let the dishes wait and enjoyed their visits. If it is that much work for you, serve a simpler menu with some foods prepared ahead of time.
She’s your guests. I do not expect my guests to do chores. I wish my mother was here for me to cook for her again. I always cleared her plate and never thought a thing about it.
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So, if she’s over for dinner, then she shouldn’t be expected to help with these things. I mean, it’s super nice to have the offer but people don’t HAVE to when they’re guests. I mean if you had other guests over, would you get annoyed with them if they also didn’t do this? I always try to help clean messes and stuff when I’m a guest but if someone doesn’t offer or help when I’m having them over, it’s literally not a big deal. They’re a guest.
I believe if you’re a guest, you shouldn’t have to help. But, I also raised to offer to help (at least) and every family function, there was always several people (guests and all) helping with clean up.
You have respect for your mil! You are suppose to host her when she comes over! My dil do that to me! And I did that to my mom and mil!
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She’s a guest in your home… yeah it would be nice for her to clear her plate but do you make EVERY friend who comes over help with dinner and everything else?
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How entitled you sound. She’s your guest. She doesn’t have to do anything. You should be cooking for her and clearing her plate and making her feel comfortable. No it’s not a hotel, it’s her family’s home. She should be treated well at your home without question or hesitation.
Whoever is the host is the one who does prep and clean up. Don’t like it? Don’t host an event. If people offer, sure. I would never insist a guest help.
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When ppl come to my house they are my guest and I honestly wouldn’t expect them to lift a finger at all Id like them to sit back and relax…if you feel like she needs to help why not just ask her I still feel like its weird to expect her to do it though…
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I loved my MIL so much. She always offered to help whether I took her up on it or not. The gesture meant a lot to me. It showed me she cared as much for me as I did for her. It’s good manners to at least offer to help.
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I wouldn’t expect any guest to help set tables or do anything if they were invited over. I think there is some resentment and maybe dislike of MIL clouding your judgement
She is a guest… She shouldn’t have to do anything
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While I’m in agreement with most everyone here (she’s the guest, the OP is the host, guests shouldn’t do anything), ima play the devil’s advocate here and say, the OP may be Southern and in the South, guests are expected to help the host with the cleanup after meals. I’m from Chicago, and I wasn’t raised that way, despite mostly being raised in the South. However, my husband and his family are from the south, and it is tradition for the women in the family to help with the cleanup after meals. I thought it strange, as this never happened in my childhood home. But, it’s just something people do in the south 
and, yes, I too am expected to help with the cleanup at his family dinners.
Just a thought…
Um, she is a guest in your home is she not? While it would be nice and considerate for her to at least offer to help, it shouldn’t be expected.
Does she live there with you? If yes, then she should help out. But if she’s only there visiting, then it’s your duty as a host, to do those things. I would never have asked or expected my mother in law to clear the table or wash the dishes. Now if she offered to do so, fine, great. But if you have that much of an issue, then stop 
hosting.
Don’t do anything for her. Expecting to be treated like a queen is a bit much on her part. Good MILs are happy to help out. If I went to my son’s home (he’s only a baby btw), my aim would be to help out in all the ways I can. I’m not a guest in the truest sense of the word. I’m family.
If you keeping doing what she expects, she will keep behaving that way. What you accept, you must expect.
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I would let my mil sit and do nothing at all, the kids can give her a foot rub. She’s earned it after raising my husband. 
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I would say nicely mom can you please lend me a hand today or have the children all help or say mom lets show the children how we all help together & if that doesn’t work ask your son to have a little talk with mom
I dont think that is considered being waited on hand and foot. That’s being a guest. Dont expect them to cook when they come over. Maybe they can help clear the table, but to expect anything is a bit ridiculous
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The roles reverse as our parents get older. Once apon a time they took care of us and waited on us hand n foot. They stayed up all night with us while we were sick. They were there for everything and took care of us. When we grow up and can finally pay them back and take care of them, that’s what we do. Picking up one extra plate at the end of the meal isn’t going to hurt. Be grateful you still have her and that while you cook and clean up ( which you would be doing with or without her there anyway) she’s spending quality time with her grandchild. Making memories and enjoying herself. Plus you can cook n clean in peace. She won’t be around forever. So take care of her and cherish her while she’s here.
When you visit her home do THE EXACT SAME THING! If she says anything then have an open, honest, and calm conversation about expectations and compromise. Good luck! Oh and if she doesn’t host often then suggest it or insist on it.
Wow when I’ve had my family or my husbands family and sometimes both together I’ve never expected them to help. They are guests and they do enough at their homes without having to come to my house and help out too. If she walked in and did as she pleased you wouldn’t like it either. I think the poor woman is being polite and knows her place and she’s already helping you by playing with her grandchildren and let’s you get on with your things. Remember you’ll get to be a MIL one day.
She’s a guest in your house. You are the host when she comes. Plus she is older. It’s about respect. Respect your elders. Hang in there & yes it is tough sometimes but remember that she’s a guest even though it’s your MIL
To me that is not being waited on. You would be clearing plates and washing your family’s dishes anyways so whats one more dish? Especially when that person is a guest in your home. Also I think its great that she spends time with your child while you do the dishes. That gives you one less thing to worry about while you clean up. I think it is pure manners to offer to help clean up after a meal, but i would never actually accept the help and I certainly don’t expect the help.
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I was raised you help with whatever you can or offer. Atleast clear your plate and any stray trash. I was also taught if your family you aren’t a guest especially if your over regularly. It’s not far fetched to ask her to help clear the table. Maybe not the cooking and whatnot but if it’s not a formal thing then your not a guest your a family member. I also dont have to ask any of the people that come over. My in laws dont come out.
The people I have over have basic decency to help get their own drinks of help clear table. It’s being a decent guest.
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Maybe it’s because I was raised by a southern mama but we were taught to take care of our guests and they weren’t to lift a finger. That’s what a good host does 
if I’m the guest I do help clean up tho.
Well she sees her self as ur guest . you dont ask guest to clean after self. You probably offer to help when at her house. So next time expect the same treatment you give her at yours .
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Maybe she is doing exactly what most kids did when they were younger to their parents… not helping out. Lol
I personally don’t believe an elder should have to cook when they are in your home. Definitely don’t expect them to clean up. That’s just rude!!! Check your own manners and respect before you point fingers.
Want balloons for that pity party cry baby?? 
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I would say as long as she is spending time with grandkids she gets a free pass on any kind of help expectations. That being said I never expected company to help.
I wouldn’t mind cleaning and cooking if my in-laws took care of the kids I mean it’s not nothing and if they were here full time I would go to work
She’s a guest. I would never except anyone I have over (family or not) to have to do anything like that.
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Depends, if it is a invited din er for something special guests shouldn’t help more than ckeaning at the place they sat and msybe helping you to do something you find diffixult to do on your own.
If it is a big familu hidzy dinner, then she should help, at keast help sit the table and ckear after.
I was taught that if I have guests in my home, they’re GUESTS. It isn’t their responsibility to clean up after themselves. It’s my home, my responsibility. If I wasn’t up for cleaning up, I don’t invite anyone over. It’s that simple.
I hope this does not come off snippy, but I’m wondering if the wife makes it uncomfortable for the mother-in-law if she were to want to help.
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I was taught that’s how we treat our guests and when we are guests we offer to help. Maybe you are upset she doesn’t offer ? I’d say if she did you should refuse and let her spend time with the grandchild.
It wouldn’t bother me. She’s spent her whole life waiting on other people, including my husband, so let her just relax and spend time with the grand babies. I will add my mother in law always offers to do the dinner dishes even though I tell her no. The only time I’ve excepted the offer was if she’d visit after the kids were first born and I was still healing from my c sections.
I would never expect a guest to wait on themself. If you invite them over they are the guest. Now if they live with you that’s a different situation.
I wish our parents was still alive. I would have spoiled them rotten. See it as a privilege. After all she raised your husband, hasn’t she?
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I was raised to respect my elders. But growing up, if we had family or guests, we all contributed to something. We never sat around and expected to be waited on hand and foot, and our guests/family never expected that either. My grandma was especially like that. She always helped clear dishes or offered to help.
She probably doesn’t want to help because u may have a certain way of doing things and she has another. You two would most likely bump heads if she does.
I dont expect my own mother to come over to visit and cook and clean nor do I expect that of any of my other guests. That’s a really weird thing to expect. In fact I’d be greatful for her play with my children while I clean up because it keeps them out of my hair so I can clean up, clear the table, put food away ect. Of course it’s always nice when she helps but definitely not expected. My mom literally spent the last 2 nights at my house and i made a big breakfast this morning and did not expect her to jump up and help me cook because shes my guest. Although often she does jump in and help with somthing. Like she swept when I was making breakfast just cause. But other than that nothing. I use my mother as an example because my mother in law passed. But when she was alive she stayed with us a few times and same, I never expected her to cook or clean anything. And disnt think it was rude or that she was acting like a princess because she was my GUEST.
Most MILs stay with you to help out when they visit. My ex MIL would do everything for me and my kids when she would stay with us. And as a MIL myself, I do the same thing. Most find joy in helping out and not becoming another person to be taken care of.
This is just my opinion… I think there are many factors that make a difference here. Does MIL just invite herself or pop in and then act like this? If so then perhaps a polite "mom (or whatever you normally call her) would you mind giving me a hand? That way it’s done quicker and we can sit and have a nice chat.
. If you invite her…that’s a different ball of wax; she is your guest. Unless you expect ALL guests to assist with those things? If she lives there then the amount of help that is reasonable to expect would be determined by her ability . You should also give consideration to the fact that while she is sitting playing with your child as you do those things -she is keeping child from being underfoot, and attempting to have a relationship with her grandchild.
Respect your elders. She is spending time with her grandbaby yet you’re still whining. What’s one more plate??? I could understand if she expected you to wash her panties and make her bed but even then man. Be grateful. Unless this is stemming from aggravation elsewhere and you’re choosing this to let it out on…
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This is tough because I was raised to be polite and offer to help clean up after dinner, but at the same time, if I’m the host, I expect to be the one doing everything and my guests are relaxing. I don’t expect anyone to help me, but I’m also not saying the help wouldn’t be appreciated 
It depends on her attitude about it too. If she’s the type that expects others to wait on her hand and foot on a regular basis, that would bother me, but if she’s not normally that type of person, I wouldn’t have any hard feelings towards her over it.
I’d much rather the grandparents get to spend the time with their grandchildren.
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She is a grown up. In our culture that’s how we respect our elders. They don’t cook for us either do the dishes. We cook for them, and also do the dishes for them. Even laundry we do for them… Respect your elders my dear and blessings will follow you all the days of your life.
I absolutely adored my mother in law. She was the best! Even tho i only got to know her for 4 years. It was still the best! I would give so much to have her back with me
When we have any family stay over I won’t let them do anything. They are my guest, plus I treat it like their vacation. When they play with my daughter it actually helps me in the long run so I can get some chores done.
I dunno darlin’ seems there is more deep seeded feelings going on here. But if not just a cultural difference. I was raised that you dont ask for anything as a guest and only accept what you know they are capable of giving. And to insist on helping with everything!. But the Caveat is that elders are to be catered to.
I was raised same with hub, parents raised us for 18yrs so when they come to dinner its there time to enjoy the grandkids and relax! Bc they will be leaving and going home. If she lived there that’s another sit… But if she’s visiting than let her keep kids occupied and get the womans plate etc… Wish my mother inlaw would let me take care of her like this when they come over, but nope she washes my dishes by hand and cleans up after everyone… I beg her to relax and she won’t… And i also have a dishwasher and teenage girls that do dishes… But my MIL jus does by hand herself anyway
I am from the South. I was raised that you help with clean up. All of the women help clean so that the host has time to sit and socialize. More hands make quicker work.
How is she when you go by her? I wouldn’t mind if she treated me like that at her house.
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I wouldn’t ever expect my mother in law to help when she is a guest in my home. I’d think that playing with my kids and keeping them out of my hair while I clean up is help enough.
She’s not a guest, she’s family and if she was my mother in law I wouldn’t ever invite her back!!!
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I would not expect any of my parents to help me, although they would offer, I would be just so pleased to have them at any time, and for them to play with the children, enjoy them while you still have them around, life is too short
The part of this I love is that she plays with your daughter. What I wouldn’t do to have my parents or MIL to play with my son.
Welp, playing w/ my kid that may not be under my feet is help enough.
Coming from a mom of 2 w/ grandparent less than 2 miles away who they see a few times a year. All others are out of state.
Also, culture, perhaps?
I’m just saying… end of day, all cards down… PICK YOUR BATTLES, babe.
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If she is visiting and is your guest, why would yall even expect her to do anything?
When my parents and in laws come, I’d much rather them soak up all the time they can with my son than be in my kitchen.
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Seems to me like you are making comparisons to someone or something you saw somewhere but it is not the reality at my in laws we all pitch in simply b/c we respect they are older etc but at my house my MIL sits as well chats or plays with my children…i never expected her to do a thing! Imy husband even brings them extra foods at least once a week when i bake something or make more. Just enjoy and let her enjoy she might not be here for that long since she is older…let her enjoy her grandchildren.
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I do not expect any guest to do anything. Family is a bit different but to assume that they would help is absurd. She is a guest and probably there to visit her son and grandchildren. If you don’t want a mess invite them out to a restaurant where you can pay someone else to clean?
As a mother in law … I am not exactly sure of my role. I help to much I hurt feelings by implying she is inept… if I do too little I feel lazy. I try to stay out of way mostly and enjoy my grandchildren.
Note: I do not leave my plate for others to put away … I usually clean up my plate etc. I also tend to babysit at their home, I pick up wash dishes clean off counters. I told my DIL I hate coming home to mess, I try to make it nice for her and pick up kids mess they made while I was sitting. That did not go over well… so I have stopped doing that too.
It’s hard to know what you can do as a MIL! So, ask her if she’d like to help and watch the response! She would probably thank you for allowing her to help! Give her a chance! I know how she may be feeling because I’m a MIL to two girls! Ask her or allocate her a job to do! 
my home was once my inlaws and they still knocked when they came over i served them cause they were quest in my eyes it was respect not cause i was living in the house that was in thier name enjoy her company she wont be around forever i wish i could sit down with my mil and just talk i miss her
I think that is pretty normal. But it might have to do with the difference in where you were raised and when. I always thought it was ridiculous that at my husband’s family’s dinners they had the women do all of the cooking and cleaning. The men watched tv.
I have a friend that when I go over to her house she expects everyone to pitch in and clean up after themselves. I have never personally had that expectation.
Well mil is a guest. It would be nice if offered but it’s not necessary.
I like that she is there to spend time with the daughter.
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Just think that is the mother of you husband an the grandmother of your kids if it wasn’t for her you wouldn’t have the blessing in you life believe me mine is a handful I get it but she is still the grandmother of your kids REAPECT HER but you should talk to her make a plan when she comes keep her busy with your kids they need that wisdom it keeps the more alive and it gives you time to do thing for your self or cleaning up extra spots you may have missed through your ruff ork week hey we all been there just look at it as a blessing to feel welcome to not have to to nothing after all they gave us life God bless you
If she is over so often like 2 times a week maybe dont have her over so much if its once in a while i wouldn’t expect it but if its so frequent i couldnt have guests that much or ask if she ca n help
How does she treat you when you are in her home? If she waits on you and your hubby the way she expects, then it’s simply a respect as a guest thing… Provided she’s not overstaying or coming simply to be waited on. If she treats you differently when you visit her, then I’d have to have a talk with her about respect going both ways.
She’s not a guest, she’s family. Next time ask her to do specific tasks and hopefully she will eventually get that a family should work together so everyone can enjoy the visit together
I think we all have our way to be and that’s hers, you are you. When you go anywhere you know what’s right and wrong. But not everyone is like that, people sometimes are like that when they have miserable lives, they’re not happy! I don’t care, I am and you will see it for sure, I don’t care if I have to pick up someone’s plate that doesn’t know any better.
A guest is a guest. If they want to help that is awesome.
If not, that is ok too.
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She’s a guest, wouldn’t expect guests to clean or help cook, nice if they do but not expected, if you don’t want her as a guest don’t invite her over
I suspect you MIL spent more than a couple of decades preparing and serving meals for your husband and his friends, so maybe now it’s time for her to have a break. She probably has less time than she likes with her granddaughter, so that time is very precious for her. She might also think she is helping by entertaining your child while you prepare and clean up after the meal. It never hurts to look at a situation from another perspective.
When ever I have a guest over I wait on them hand & foot clean up after them guess that’s how I was raised but a few of my friends when they come over they try too help sometimes I let them but most of the time I do everything my mother on the other hand I do everything for her when she comes over she dont lift a finger
A guest is just that…a guest.
I’m sure it would be nice to hear an offer but she’s keeping your kids busy…besides life’s too short…she’ll be gone Before you know it. I personally love my kitchen to myself. That’s just me.
Now…years ago my 3 sister in-laws use to be at my parents for Thanksgiving and Christmas…they would entertain me with their falling over themselves helping my mom out.
I loved it. I sat back and didn’t get involved with who’s doing what in the Kitchen. I would load the dishwasher and start it up & split. There was always tons of dishes n pots n pans. My mom loved the attention which she deserved. She worked her butt of preparing. My Mom and I finally discussed it years later. I told her it was too much for me to take. 4 women in the kitchen trying outdo each other…it was entertaining none the less.
When we have people over I actually don’t expect them to give me a hand with anything. I like guests to relax to be honest and spend time enjoying their company while I do the cleaning up. It’s not up to the guests to lift a finger I don’t think. Same should go when U visit her house 
Um, not a fan of overbearing MILs but I’m having a hard time seeing the problem you are attempting to get us to see. I can’t even imagine thinking my MIL or mom would have to do anything other than be a guest when at our house.
Well, my mom will try to take over but I force her to sit & relax. My MIL should also sit & relax.
Does she live with you? or is she only there for a small amount of time , for dinner or lunch? that would change the expectations for me. I personally would not have the expectation that my guest would help, but if they offered then great.
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I don’t see the problem here? You said she plays with her granddaughter while the dishes are being cleared away. I love when my children get one-on-one time with their grandparents. You didn’t mention your husband either? Why can’t he help you? A guest should always be treated as such. I think it’s rude to have people over then expect them to clean. The gesture is always nice, but never expected.
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Are you inviting her over for a meal or is she just showing up expecting to be served a meal unannounced? That would sway anything I have to say dramatically.
If you are inviting her then she is your guest and should be treated as a guest. You wouldn’t invite someone to dinner and expect them to cook and clean said meal.
If she just shows or just tells you she’s coming for dinner then that’s a little different. I think after the first couple times of you just “dropping by” for a meal you’re not a guest anymore. While I personally don’t want people in my kitchen helping me cook or cleaning I don’t think it would be out of line to say if you to just pop by unannounced for a meal at least please help us clear the table. Or something along those lines. Again though it depends on the circumstances.
She’s is your guest! Make her welcome! How does your husband treat his mother, you should have the same respect your husband has for her. I loved my mother n law. Cooked for her and cleaned the kitchen, my husband and I. She’s gone now and wish i could do it all over again!!
When I have guests over. I order dinner. I don’t cook. If they don’t like what I order, oh well…and I use paper plates and plastic forks… If they wanted to stay the night, they sleep in the living room. Cause I’m not giving up my bed… I’m disabled. But normally no one comes so I’m cool with that.
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I dont see anything wrong with that. No biggie at all. Be happy to do things for any of your guests without any expectations.
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I would never expect a guest into my home to help cook or clean. When my in laws come over I cook and clean my mother in law offers now and then to help and I tell her to sit down with her wine and relax occasionally she tells me to beat it and helps anyway but I would never expect them to lift a finger. If your a guest in my home you relax
Wow! If I have someone over for dinner I still wash the dishes! Sometimes they will get their own plate and sometimes they don’t but it’s my responsibility because it’s my home and they are my guest
Whats wrong with this picture i loved my mil i would never expect her to do anything at my house she raised all her children…she passed away i miss her sitting and relaxing with her grandchildren.
Same with my own mom who passed what i wouldnt do to have both of them…maybe you just dont like her
Sorry but she is your guess in your house…I would never ask my MNL for anything but spend time with grandkids…be bless that she comes over…My MNL lives 250 miles away from us!
Your guest is guesting. That’s what guests do. As a host, your job is hosting. That’s what hosts do. If it’s not an overnight visit, even better hosts save the cleanup until after the guest leaves so they have the opportunity to visit with said guest.
Well I mean a guest is a guest. But usually guests help clean up(how I was raised) but you cant expect everyone to have the same cultures and the same etiquette as you were brought up.
Does she expect or make you help when you and your husband visit them?
Yeah…that’s what I expect my guests to do. Enjou themself, play and have fun. Likewise if I’m invited over I am not expected to do anything. I always help if I can because I enjoy it.
You invited them they really shouldn’t have to do anything. I get at a big holiday sometimes families help but just a random dinner she is there to see her son and grandchildren she shouldn’t be doing much of anything
Do you always expect your dinner guests to help you prep and clean? That’s… kinda weird honestly. Hosts are supposed to host. Now, Guests should politely ask “is there anything I can help you with?” but honestly…they aren’t obligated if they are just there for the evening. They’re guests.
It would be different if they were staying for an extended stay, or if she is a frequent guest, or she expects you to help when you are over at her house. But honestly, even one night a week, meh. Hosts host. Maybe ask her to bring a side dish next time?