Would you feel the same if it was a man? Or is it that you expect this behavior because she is a woman? Just wondering? And does she wait on you hand and foot when you go to her house?
Wow! Did you post this just to see the responses or are you serious with your "complaint "? I donât invite anyone to come for dinner & then expect them to help cook or clean. Would you expect that from your mother? My MIL always offered and I always declined. I wanted her to be able to come over to relax & visit with us and not have to lift a finger. It was just one way of me showing her how much I appreciated & loved her. And guess what? When she had us over for dinner I always cleaned up & did dishes as another show of appreciation & love of her.
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I donât expect anyone to do anything when theyâre at my house. If they offer, sure, but I donât expect it. I still help my mom clean up at her house and she helps me at mine, but thatâs her. If my in laws are here I want them to spend time with their grandkids because they donât get to see them as much. The only thing Iâd ask is that their plates end up in the sink. Thatâs it.
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Very disrespectful to have your MIL over and expect her to cook and clean. It is your house, not herâs.
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I myself wouldnât think of not helping I would probably tell my daughter in law to sit and relax
You say them . Does that include grandfather too? No expectations of him? They are guests in your house and elderly. They have done years of housework and how lovely that you are kind and invite them to have quality time with their grandchild which is beneficial to the grandchild. I believe itâs right for a guest to be waited on. They may offer but you should decline as you are more than capable and should say no thankyou. Your husband can help! 
I would hope my adult children would help at my house when they come to visit and I sure the hell hope my adult children help at their in-laws. Thatâs what we taught them. My DIL doesnât help when she comes here. She barely helps with her kids.
If my parents or my father in law come to my house, I do wait on them hand and foot. They want something, I get it. I have even fixed their plates when over for dinner.
She is a guest in your home, and should not be expected to clean. Playing eith her grandchild, spending time talking abd catching up is what her visit is for Iâm assuming. I was raised to tend to your guests, serve them, make then feel welcome.
I wouldnât expect them to help clean up but I would expect her to at least take her plate to the sink. I always have people over and never expect them to clean up but not once have I ever had someone expect me to take their plate to the sink itâs just common Curtesy just like all the kids know trash goes in the trash . If you have been in my house and know where everything is I at least expect you to keep your trash up and take your dishes to the sink my friends never act like that when they are over and always offer to help
Boy are you a crabâŠWhen I go to my daughter-in-laws she wonât let me wait on my self or clean upâŠI spent years doing all the work for family dinnersâŠHaving someone wait on ME is really niceâŠI feel really spoiled and appreciatedâŠ
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I was taught that you always help with clean up and cooking, or at least offer
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My mother-in-law is a guest in my home. She comes over to enjoy the company of her son and our child. Iâm happy to âwait on herâ it allows her to engage with her only granddaughter and relax. She helps build forts and puzzles etc⊠while supper cooks. She reads and snuggles while dishes are being cleaned. She has the opportunity to rest and enjoy her family. It is a gift I adore giving her. The light on our daughterâs face and the conversations between a mother and her son. I get so much in return for the night or few nights she is around. Also, my husband is a wonderful help when I ask him to be. Iâm sorry you are unable to see and enjoy the happiness and peace your âserviceâ provides.
We love to host. Clean up is after they leave or once they move to living room then my husband & I slip in kitchen to put away leftovers and clean if they (anyone) tries to help I ask them to sit & keep me company while I clean up. When we went to there home for dinner I would tell them to enjoy grandkids while I clean up. Mine are gone now wish they were here to clean up after. 
I would never ask or expect my mother in law to help, prep, or clean if she was at my home. Maybe if I needed help in the moment and she was right there but other than that sheâs earned the right to rest. Same with my mother, my grandma, my grandma in law, or my aunts. If theyâre older than me theyâve earned it. Now, if thereâs someone younger the buck does sometimes pass to them. Especially at family gatherings. 
At her house is different because she has things where she wants it and she wants things done her way. I help as much as possible without stepping on any toes. But I do make sure to clean up after my self-throw away my trash, load my dishes in the dishwasher that sort of thing. And many times taking the trash out for her.
Is she coming for dinner every night? Once a week? A few times a month? Do you resent the time sheâs spending with your child?
If it bothers you, say something.
In my house, guests are guests, and if they offer to help ai wonât turn them away, but I prefer that they relax and enjoy themselves.
Guests should be guests and treated like guests in my opinion.
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Okay, when you have a guest over for dinner do you really expect them to help? I was raised differently I guess because I was taught to serve and clean up for my guests.
Wow, I never let my mom or mother in law do anything and when at their house I help cook and I clean up. Think maybe you should grow up and have respect for your elders.
Um I wouldnât let anyone elder to me help me clean up when they are my guest unless it was maybe a giant party and they offered. Not even my own parents and especially not my in laws. This is a cultural norm for the most part and she probably has no idea that you wouldnt even want her to help. She is playing her role as a guest, your elder and a grandparent. Ask your husband to help you. I sure hope he jumps up and clears his motherâs plate and helps you out because if you are in fact old fashioned enough to not expect the men to help you then you surely should be old fashioned enough to observe proper etiquette.
Itâs a two side of coin kinda thing. She may see herself as a guest. Guests typically arenât beholden to the same customs and ideas in the homes. Its polite to offer assistance, but typically itâs not demanded. Now, she clearly sees herself as a guest in your home and is following customs (depending on where you were raised). The real question is is her roll in yâalls life that of a guest (i.e. you see her maybe once every three years) or do you see her in a regular notice
When my family comes over they are a guest in my home. I cook and clean up and let them enjoy time with my daughter. When I go to my parents house I help cook and clean and let them play with my daughter. I also clean up after my daughter and make sure toys and everything is put away before leaving.
Seriously ? Itâs a meal ⊠Get over it ⊠Let her make memories with her grand daughter ⊠I never ask expect mine to help ⊠they are guest not the maid
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Just tell her if she wants something just go get it⊠youâd appreciate a little help around the house
I am guess you donât care your mother in law all that much⊠My first mother in law I lovedâŠmy 2nd not some muchâŠshe didnât care for meâŠbut that was okâŠno love loss but that was okâŠjust suck it upâŠyou will be fineâŠshe is a guest in your homeâŠand let her enjoy her time with the Grandkids tooâŠ
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Sheâs the guest when I have company over I clean up not them thatâs how it is. Quit being lazy & clean up straight up
Edit: i mean she could have cleaned off her plate at least but as for the rest give the woman a break sheâs the mother too youâre husband and the grandma too those babies be thankful you have her in youâre familyâs life.
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Iâd actually prefer a MIL whoâd act like a real house guest than an intrusive MIL all up in my space trying to do everything or show me that Iâm doing things wrong. Sheâs coming to visit and play with her grandchild as she should. Itâd be a different story if she offered to come over and help you with house work but actually end up just sitting around not doing anything.
Parents are parentsâŠyourd or his. They deserve respect and protocol. All their lives they keep doing things fr their children. Parents are never guests at your placeâŠlike we as children were never guest at our parental house.
I wouldnât expect my mum to help(though sheâd want to) so I guess Iâd extend the same courtesy to my MIL. Itâs temporary, just try to find a way to accommodate her not unless sheâs doing it to irritate you.
Wouldnât you rather her be having time with her grandchild than doing those things???
Sheâs a guest, she shouldnât have to clean up after herself or help you!!
Maybe she doesnât want to interfere, or maybe she can stand for long, you never know, and if sheâs invited she should be treated like a guest! Sorry!
I always ask to clear their plates⊠i also kind of expect them to to put theirs in the designated place. I always put mine where it should be I kind of expect guests to put it there also if they donât then maybe you didnât explain itâŠ
As
One with 5 kids and them not having any grandparents around is hard to watch I wish they would
Come
Over and spend time
Play with them I also am disabled so I thought I would get help I get nothing and do it all she over to make
Memories with your daughter if itâs too much tell her once a week but others would want that
I am in agreement with everyone else. She is a guest and shouldnât have to help. I donât understand why you are so upset with her. Crikey your lucky she comes to see you and your family.
I dont know I was raised that close family (parents/siblings) are not guests we are family and we all chip in at family dinners and gatheringsâŠ
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Maybe Iâm missing something sounds like sheâs a guest in your house my in laws never help put dinner on my table and they donât wash dishes after theyâre here to play with the kids and relax as a guest in my home
Maybe not enough information, but just so you know some MIL donât help out simply because they donât want to step over the boundaries, they respect you and donât want to go into your territory it is nice enough that they feel comfortable to eat your food, many donât even do that. Everyone is different, but honestly I would simply ask her for help, she maybe is waiting for you to make the first move, after all it is your home, so she needs the green light from you so she can help, I am sure she will be glad to do so. For me, I donât allow neither my Mother nor MIL to help, but they do it anyway and I am thankful for that, just as I do when I come over to their home, I offer to help.
ANY guest in our home I donât expect to do dishes or cook⊠Now if they offer to help I may or may not accept it (depending what Iâm cooking and what all is going on in the kitchen at the time) with it being a parent, if I had to do a little extra (clearing their plate) owell not gonna kill me but MOST IMPORTANTLY theyâre spending time and playing with my kiddos!! My kiddos will remember grandma/grandpa coming over eating with us playing with them before and afterwards. Iâve never thought oh so n so is coming over so theyâre gonna help with the dishes⊠When they offer, no thanks but pull up a chair n chat while I do them
Thatâs kinda the point of being a host. Sheâs your GUEST, itâs not her job to help you, a nice gesture yes, but sheâs not required to
Seems pretty normal behavior for a guest. If your feeling overwhelmed or wanting help I would just ask her straight up. Shes more than likely unaware of how your feeling.
IMO-My good manners say she is your invited guest, she did not crash her way in, so she should not be expected to help. In return, her good manners should be to at least offer to help. If she doesnât make the offer it is her lack of manners not mine. I did my part by extending the invitation to her to see her son and grandchildren. Preparing the meal and cleaning up afterwards is part of the invitation.
Donât create friction in relationship that will be life long.
Like when she comes over for dinner once in a while⊠or when she comes in town to visit a couple times a year⊠or whatâŠ
Honestly I was taught youâre not hosting right if your guests have to lift a finger so Iâm a little taken aback that youâre so put out by having to host a guest in your own home while youâre⊠you know⊠hosting a guest in your own home.
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My in laws go above and beyond for us, I couldnât imagine not wanting to do the same for them.
Maybe she is old school in some way and she knows she is not the lady of the house. You amy not want her i. Your kitchen, telling you what to do and how to do it, etc. Canât her son, your husband wait on his own mother? Or maybe look at it, she brought your dear hubby into the world and raised himâŠmaybe this is how you thank her. (Considering she raised him right and it showsâŠlol).
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Sheâs a guest. If she wants to help, thatâs one thing. Donât expect it though.
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When I go to my in-laws they weight on us hand and foot, Iâm not very comfortable with it. But as guests in their home, they insist. So I guess as your guest, be a good hostess.
While I think itâs good etiquette to offer to help when someone cooks for you, itâs not required and I donât think itâs horribly offensive that she doesnât help. Isnât the point in her being there to be enjoying her company, she gets to spend time with grandkids, etc? Donât stress so much about it. So she doesnât help out, youâd have no help if she wasnât there either soâŠlet it go
Sheâs a guest! I wish my mother in law and mother would relax more!
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Umm, you make her a continued guest. Youâre not going to change her. You can talk to your husband,maybe he can wait on her and clean up after her otherwiseâŠmarry someone else with a different MIL or one with no ILs.
My mother in law always helps at my house even if I tell her not too & that Iâve got it. They only visit our house a couple times a year though because theyâre not from here. I offer to help at her house when we visit & always pick up after me, my husband, and the kids. When we have friends over to dinner half of them leave their plates on the table & it kind of bugs me but not enough for me to be mad over. Iâm just the type of person to always clear my plate & ask where to put it if Iâm visting someone but I know that other people arenât the same way & thatâs perfectly okay with me.
Now, if my friends are chillin on my couch & ask me to get up and make them a glass of water or something 2839268 times it would be different but cleaning their plate isnât that big of deal.
She is a guest in your home and therefore you sure treat her as such. Iâm sure she does the same for you when you visit her home. Be grateful she is spending time with your daughter and keeping her away from the kitchen bustle. If she is anything like me, she has paid het dues on the kitchen hosting ger own inlaws and family. Itâs time for her to sit back and enjoy her grandchildren in peace.
My mother in law helps me with everything when she is over. She is actually my cooking & cleaning buddy when ever she visits and I love it.
Sounds to me thatâs shes doing you the greatest service by playing with(distracting) your child so they dont get underfootâŠnot to mention that she is not only a guest in your home but also your MIL and has earned the right to relax and get waited on once in awhile
I would totally accept her like this⊠and then totally do the same when im in her home (if she is not a senior woman that can barely walk obviously!)
when you invite friends over do you expect them to help cook and clean?
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I wouldnât expect my MIL to get up and help. Just like how youâre doing everything now, imagine how she had to do it when your husband was a young boy and she had to do it all for her family and all the guests that Iâm sure graded her home. Both friends and family. And besides, sheâs your MIL, would you expect your mother to get up and help if she was like your MIL?
My mother comes to my house for dinner Even if she offered I wouldnât have her lift a finger, she raised a family has been the host for years its her.turn to sit back and relax
When I go there I work like a horse
Get over itâŠ
I think itâs rude she doesnât offer but some people are that way. I also think your husband should model helping in front of her and maybe even get the kids involved so you are showing them how everyone chips in. If that doesnât work you might just need to ask for her help and then if she doesnât get the hint an uncomfortable conversation might need to be had. Give her the benefit of the doubt in your approach, maybe she thinks you donât want her to help? I also think it depends on how often they visit. If itâs twice a year no biggee, if itâs twice a month she can help because that is what a polite person should do.
When someone comes to our house, we never expected them to help. I help because I wanted to be useful. She is helping you by playing with your daughter.
I wouldnât expect my mum to get up and help,same as if anyone else came, but if they offered I would let them,but I would get up and do it in my mum house, without hesitation, my mum not here anymore, but if she was I would still feel the same,coz she my mum or inlaws,
My Mother-in-Law has passed away now but, during the 40 years of being married to her Son, she always treated me as a guest and treated me like a Princess. I tried to help from the beginning but, she wouldnât ever let me! When she came to visit, I wouldnât dare let her either! I would rather do everything n my own kitchen and let her spend time w her Son and the children! But, thas just me! We only got to see her on holidays and birthdays so it was really a blessing! When we visited her, she always had a spread of food waiting on us w a soft comfortable bed:) I guess it depends on how often she visits and how long she stays?
Never expect your guests to help you do things you are supposed to do as a host! I was taught to entertain my guests and when I visit to offer my assistance but that doesnât mean it should be expected of my guests. Even when a guests offers to help, I usually say no thanks, relax. By the way, her playing with the kids is healthy for them and also helping you! Js. ALSO, keep in mind she was the person slaving over a hot stove and cleaning house for her kids and guests for years and deserves to sit back and relax. I go over to my kids fathers house and cook food at their house for him, his brother and mother when I visit.
In our family everyone helps. Doesnât matter whose house weâre at, everyone helps. Thatâs just how we were raised.
She raised your hubby. HE can do her part of the prep and cleaning. Sheâs put in her time. Let her enjoy the grand babies. Besides, she was probably raised with the âtoo many cooks in the kitchen ruin the soupâ. When you go to visit her, be sure to offer the extra hand in prepping and clean up and see how she responds. It may help you understand her. You can also talk to your hubby and tell him you want to eat out when she visits from now on, or he can pick up fast food and disposable dinnerware! 
I was also raised like Erika Noussias, the guests arenât there to help.
My mother stays with us permanently (not out of choice but circumstances) and does exactly that! Lovely hotel. If I say something it starts a fight
I go to my in-laws house and help with things as I do at my own when I host. Itâs a show of appreciation. Iâm younger too and not lazy and I have a kind heart to just be helpful. But if it bothers you once you have cleared yours , kids and husband plates leave hers and see what she does. If she leaves it there until she leaves then that would tell me she clearly expects you to do it
People should practice giving more of themselves lovingly. Treat your mil wellâŠyour husband will love you more. Treat her badly and you would be building a gulf between yourself and hubby. Blood is thicker than water.
Guest or not she should at least offer to help. See what she does when you go to her house next time and do exactly what she does! Maybe she will get the point!
Sheâs your GUEST when sheâs in YOUR home. Next time just order pizza and use paper plates
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It seems like we should treat guests kindly but not wait on them hand and foot. Serve them dinner and clean the dishes but not be expected to clean up after them as well. Theyâre our guests so we cannot expect them to pick up after our household either. I personally like to offer to help out with cooking or clean up as appreciation for the invitation. But I never expect this from my guests.
Mother-in-law are not sheâs your guest. Do you invite friends over and expect them to do those things? I donât do those things at my friendsâ homes. I always offer to be polite, but itâs never expected
Even when were at my MIL house Iâm still trying to get to things before she does. Just to be helpful & respectful. She entertains your kids at leastđ€·
Say âhey, come Gimmie a handâ! ( Keep real feelings under your breath!)
Or next time yaâll are at her house⊠Treat her like she treats you! Best of luck!!
I think it is common that guests arenât expected to help with those things anyways? So I see no issue here.
If you have a problem with it and actually want her to help then maybe you should just ask her.
But otherwise I think itâs pretty normal for a guest to relax and hang out and not do chores. They are the guest.
I wouldnât mind cooking dinner and doing dishes while my MIL played with my kids. She is older and she has cooked and cleaned after your husband most of her life so if you have a problem maybe you should have your husband clean up after her or mention to her to clear her plate but to me its just respect to his family and same for my family. My mother isnât expected to come in and cook and do the dishes in my house unless she offers in which I decline first unless she pushes that she really wants to and then I will let her but I help with it to. I expected the waiting on hand and foot part to include alot more than just this.
You need to get a grip. Maybe she feels she shouldnât interfere in your home? she is making the most of her time with the grandchildren. Shes a guest in your home and as such should be treated as one. If she was involving herself in your home then you wouldnât be happy either!!
Wow! If you INVITED her to dinner why would you expect her to help? With that being said if sheâs playing with her grand baby maybe this is time that she feels she may never get back? And honestly she may not even realize that there is a problem? Why not let her enjoy her time with her grand baby? Iâm sure sheâs worked hard all her left let her relax
If youâre a guest in my home Iâll take care of it, if youâre living there then we take care of it together.
You invited her to your home for dinner and you expect her to help, nah, take over the chores?! What the hell is wrong with you?! Have some respect. Youâre asking for help? Wow, if you donât know whatâs wrong, nobody can help you. Iâm gonna pray for you.
Guess is not expected to help unless they offer to help, but if its a problem then next time ask her to help out like maybe ask her to clear off the table while you start the dishes if she refuses to help out then next time have dinner at her house and you do the same play wit your daughter while she clean up everthingâŠ
My mother in law is one of my favorite humans⊠I wouldnât expect her to come to my house to cook and clean. Sheâs also playing with her granddaughter! Maybe you shouldnât host if you canât actually host without complaining.
I mean, if she was a slob, treated you poorly or whatever thatâs different. But whenever my mil comes over for dinner, I never have her cooking and cleaning, unless she wants to.
MIL is also the second mom nowâŠyou should do to your MIL as you would to your own mom out of love and respectâŠBut if it bothers you much, talk about it heart to heart, let her know how you feel and that you appreciate her help in the kitchen. And once she starts teaching you how to run your kitchen and your household, then youâd remember how itâs better when sheâs with the kids and you clean the table and dishes in peace without her pointing out that youâre using the wrong dishwashing liquid and that your pots arenât cleaned enough.
As it should be! I wait on my mother in law, hand and foot when she is in my home. That, I guess, is my southern hospitality and the way I was raised. When I am in her home, she does the same. I donât understand it any other way. đ€·đ»
Waited on hand and foot means she snaps her fingers for you to bring her a drink to her seat. Is that the case? I donât see anything wrong with cooking for a guest. And I definitely donât expect my guest to clean my dishes afterwards either
How are you treated in her home? Does she do all of the work? Or do you pitch in? Maybe the fact that she is at your home, and has never helped, just equals that she doesnât need to! Is this a difference in heritage/customs???
I was taught to offer to help and clean up too. So I make sure food is ready when MIL gets there and I do dishes later to avoid her having to feel obliged to help. When I go to her house I take a dish and offer to help and I wash dishes before we leave. She is older and I donât mind doing more than my part.
As a daughter, daughter-in law, Mom and Mother-In-Law I have ALWAYS stepped up to help with meals and clean up. That is the way I was taught out of respect for the family!! Very seldom do I go to someones home without taking some form of food if I am invited for a mealâthat was the way i was taught!! IT IS GREAT WHEN FAMILIES WORK TOGETHER!!
She is a guest in your home and your mother in law .let her sit back and relax a bit she has been cooking meals for everyone else for years .and how lovely for your daughter that she gets to spend time with her grandmother after dinner âŠ
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My MIL is exactly the same, but I also learned she will never change. I had to just accept it.
When I go to my daughterâs house out of state. I help clean up the kitchen. But thatâs just me. She doesnât ask.
She is a guest. She is one person. You would be doing these things if she was there or not. If she offered to help, I would hope you would graciously tell her that she is a guest in your home and she should relax and play with her granddaughter.
If she was living there, that would be an entirely different thing.
There is a rule at my house no matter who it is. If you have been to my house more than 3 times you are no longer a guest. Meaning you want something make yourself at home and get it yourself. Not offering to help clean up is just plain rude. MIL or not
My mother in law always helps and so does my mom even if itâs just tending to the kids so I can prepare a meal uninterrupted and they bring their dishes to the sink and rinse them off and if the dishwasher is empty they put them in the dishwasher. When I go to visit them I help out where ever they need me and we all clean up after ourselves. If I go to either house and donât offer to clean it is considered rude and vise versa I guess it must be an upbringing thing because I was always taught family helps family no matter whose house I visit always offer to help. It is unfair for someone to wait on you hand and foot because you are a guest in their house, they are not your servant they donât have to be nice and feed you thank the person for making you a great meal and welcoming you into their home by helping to clean up itâs just that simple and itâs free 
I donât ever expect anyone to help if they were at my houseâŠthey are a guest. Of someone offers to help thats upto them but I will never expect it
I was taught to take care of my guests completely but I was also taught to be polite and clean up after myself and offer to help soâŠ
I always serve the guests in my home⊠Even if itâs my mother or mother-in-law. I donât expect anyone to help with anything, but I have accepted help if offered.
I never expect my MIL to help at allâŠi prefer she spends time with my grand daughter and her sonâŠ
But she is 75 plus
I canât sit and not help. IAlways tell older ppl to sit and relax. Even at my childrenâs friendâs I like to help
You host expecting to cater is how I see it. My MIL helps though she did dishes last time, but i tell her i can get it. I want my guest to come enjoy time when I ask them over not to have chores. I love cooking, cleaning, and hosting. Makes me feel good that they enjoy themselves. You said she plays with your daughter that should be help in itself plus bonding time. Would you rather her be there to just help prep and clean or spend time with her grandkids who she probably doesnât see everyday?
I never expect guest to help with those things and I definitely would never expect it from my mother in law if she was still with us, I didnât even expect it out of my own mother, her time needed to be spent with her grandchildren not washing dishes⊠Wow just wow that would classify that as being treated badly