QUESTION:
"I’m in a dilemma. When do you decide enough is enough, and how do you go about telling your mother you are done?
Backstory: my mom and I have not had such a great relationship since I started going to college (11 years now) and gaining my own independence. My ex-husband and I have been divorced for two years and separated for 2.5 years. He has gotten remarried and moved on with his life.
Anyway, she decided to invite him and his new wife to Thanksgiving and has not even asked if I would come over for dinner. I have tried several times to talk through my issues with things they have done in the past and how it’s made me feel to no avail.
I have even tried family therapy, and that doesn’t work either. I just feel there is no way to break through to her. Help!"
RELATED QUESTION: What are your Thanksgiving traditions?
TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):
“At that point, I’d cut them off. And I mean, don’t respond to texts, calls, etc. Remove them off of social media so they cant snoop and keep themselves updated with your life and I would ignore them if I ever came across them in public. Completely ignore them. Cuz trust me they’ll probably find ways through other family members to creep on your life to see if you’re doing good. Maybe when you completely cut her off like a tumor then she’ll realize she cares or she might not. Either way, it’s better for you to surround yourself with people who love you. Good luck!”
“My Mom did the same, she has chosen my ex over me. She has him over for holidays, has had Birthday party’s for him and I never even so much as get a call. Sorry this is happening to you. I can only be slapped in the face so many times before I say f&$k it and move on.”
“I emailed mine. Kept it short and sweet: ‘I don’t care if you mean to hurt me or not with your actions or what you say to me, but you do and I’ve had enough of it. Call me oversensitive or whatever to whoever, you damage my mental health and I’m done. I’ve tried many times explaining it but nothing ever changes. Please do not contact me again. I mean it, I’m done!’ She tried to contact me a few times after that and still plays victim to other family members but I’ve ignored it all, and 6yrs on, I’m much happier and don’t feel guilty for putting myself first for once! Honestly, cut contact!”
“My mom won’t even do family therapy, you just say no more! I did it 2 years ago and never felt better. My mom is a narcissist. Sorry. Hugs.”
“I would cut them off, you gave her the chance to be a happy family and she refused it. It sucks but you need to cut off contact with her.”
“That sounds really toxic to me. If she invited him and the new wife along with you then I can see that as building bridges if there are children involved. But it doesn’t sound like there are any children involved and she didn’t invite her own daughter which plainly says to me that she wants to intentionally hurt you. TOXIC! Don’t be a part of it. Remove yourself from trying to get your mother’s approval.”
“I think at that point I would be done. Go on enjoy your life and wait for her to come to you.”
“If you have done all that you can to mend the rift to no avail, she’s made her choice. As difficult as it seems you have to accept that sad reality and move on with your own life. Build a new life and have your own holiday, cut ties and let her come to you, it may never happen but at this point, you have no choice.”
“I think at this point you need to put your mental health above your mother. You don’t need to have it out with her if that would be too much. Just don’t bother, if they care or want you in their life they will see their attitude and why it happened. If not it’s saving you a lot of stress.”
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READ ALL ANSWERS BELOW:
healthy boundaries:sparkles:
there’s a point you need to cut people off even if they are family