My Mother Wants a Relationship With My Baby Daughter But Not With Me: Advice?

QUESTION:

"So my daughter is 15 weeks old. When she was 3 weeks old, my mother said she was stepping away as a grandmother for the simple fact that I was not allowing her to dictate who was around my child!

I explained to her that it is my child, and who I want around here is my choice. (This is because she didn’t want my father’s girlfriend around my daughter.) Since then, multiple people have stated my mother wants a relationship with my daughter. However, she does not want one with my husband or me, nor does she want to communicate with us. Nor has she made any effort in being in my daughter’s life or checking up on her in the last 12 weeks.

With that all being said, would you feel comfortable with a family member taking your child and bringing them to the person you have no relationship with just for them to be in your child’s life? What I’m trying to see if I am in the wrong for is not feeling comfortable for my sister taking my child and dropping her off to my mother.

Since my mother does not want to communicate with my husband or me. I feel as if someone wants to be in my daughter’s life then need to be in mine as well! Please tell me if I am wrong!"

RELATED QUESTION: My Mother Made Me Feel Like I Wasn’t Worthy of Being a Mom: Advice?

TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):

“I’m not sure why grandmothers think they have any say in how we raise our children. They are just that grandparents. Not the parents. You are absolutely not wrong. I wouldn’t let her around my child either. If she doesn’t want to respect you as the mother and fix things with you and your husband then she doesn’t need to be around your child.”

“As a grandmother and great grandmother myself, I think your mother has NO right in dictating who is around your child. Your child= your choice. I’ve always said to any new mum and/or dad, you can listen to all the advice offered but it’s up to you to decide what you do with it.”

“If she doesn’t come to you, then she doesn’t want anything but control. Do not send your baby to her. If she wants to see her bad enough, she’ll come to you.”

“You are not wrong. If she wants a relationship with your daughter(a baby at that) then she needs to have a respectful relationship with you as well. If she isn’t willing to do that then she isn’t ready to be around your child.”

“Don’t deny your daughter a relationship with her grandmother…your daughter will hate you for it later…”

“Absolutely not! If she doesn’t want to communicate with you or your husband, she will probably do whatever she wants when it comes to your daughter being in her care and not follow your instructions. Also, god forbid something was to happen to your daughter while with your mom, how can you trust that she would tell you if she isn’t communicating with you or your husband. If it was me and you can’t be a part of my child’s life if you aren’t even speaking to myself or my husband.”

“Your Mother is manipulating the dynamic of your family to favor her needs. I would not buy into her pettiness. If she doesn’t want a relationship with you, she does not deserve one with your daughter. Nip the drama in the bud. Her loss.”

“Nope. If she can’t respect you enough to communicate with you, then no. If she were to have the baby and something God forbid, were to happen… and she won’t talk to you… that is not a person or situation I’d put my child in. Hell to the no. She doesn’t get to dictate your life or your child’s. If she cared that much about seeing and having a relationship with your daughter, she’d make it a point to start with you. No flipping effing way. Shame on your sister for letting her use and manipulate her into even asking for her. If she doesn’t wanna be an adult and talk to you, the answer is ALWAYS no.”

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READ ALL ANSWERS BELOW:

479 Likes

Honestly my opinion I feel you shouldn’t let your mother have a relationship with your daughter if she doesn’t want one with you! My parents don’t see my child because we don’t have a relationship nor do they call and check in. If you’re not comfortable leaving her with your mother either then don’t. It doesn’t make you a bad parent by making sure your daughter is safe!

7 Likes

Absolutely not. If she can’t be around you or be a mother to you she has no reason to be involved with the baby. Especially since she left for such a petty reason

3 Likes

Absolutely not!!! Sounds like your mom
Needs to grow up. You’re that child’s mother not her and it is your choice.
I dealt with this myself. Your decision.

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Your mother sounds toxic.

4 Likes

Nope! You are not in the wrong at all

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I agree with you …

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Let the door hit her in the way out. Screw toxic family

3 Likes

Your not wrong. If your mother doesn’t want a relationship with you and your husband then she shouldn’t have one with your daughter.

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You most definitely are not wrong!! If your mother can’t communicate with you then she shouldn’t get or expect to have your child or use other family members as a go between to see your child.

2 Likes

Too young to be away from parents and with strangers.

3 Likes

You are NOT wrong at all. Don’t leave that baby with your mother.

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If she doesn’t come to you, then she doesn’t want anything but control. Do not send your baby to her. If she wants to see her bad enough, she’ll come to you.

8 Likes

Nope, toxic is toxic and I wouldn’t want my kids around that crap

5 Likes

You are not wrong. If she wants a relationship with your daughter(a baby at that) then she needs to have a respectful relationship with you as well. If she isn’t willing to do that then she isn’t ready to be around your child.

6 Likes

You, your husband and your daughter are a family and one so if she doesn’t want anything to do with you guys, then she doesn’t have anything to do with her grandchildren either. She’s toxic, stay away

3 Likes

Idk, my mom and grandma had issues but she was my dads mom and my dad died. But I wish my mom had let me see my grandma

I personally would not allow her to be around your daughter. Skirting around you by complaining to everyone else but not doing anything to try and come to an agreement with you is toxic. She sounds like the type of person who would ignore dietary restrictions or allergies because she thinks you’re making them up.

3 Likes

One simple question: Did you authorize this? Did you say your sister could take your child to your mother’s?
By the way it’s worded I’m assuming no, so:
Oh. Hell. No!
I’d be livid!
You do not take my child ANYWHERE near people that I have no talking grounds with. If I wanted my child around them, they’d be around.

Distance your sister now, too. She has to prove herself.

You are the only that can make that decision.

So now SHE GETS NOTHING. NOT HER KID, SHE HAS NO RIGHT. STAY FIRM.

You’re not wrong at all.

I also agree with you and would definitely not be allowing that to happen at all! No way in hell lol

Your child your rules if your mother doesn’t want to be in your life then no visits with your daughter

Nope grandma needs to grow up

1 Like

tell her to nick of until she grows up ur baby ur decision

Dude. Hard. No. This is not okay. No one. No one at all gets to do anything with your child that you’re not comfortable with. That is your baby. You and your husband know whats best and other people need to fuck off

I don’t think you’re wrong!

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you are absolutely not wrong your mom is

That’s a no go… Baby is too young and it seems your mom has no respect for your decisions concerning your child…

Your Mother is manipulating the dynamic of your family to favor her needs. I would not buy into her pettiness. If she doesn’t want a relationship with you, she does not deserve one with your daughter. Nip the drama in the bud. Her loss.

3 Likes

U r not at all I cut all ties with my sons dads mom for close to the same reason toxic is toxic no matter who they are

That would 100% NOT be ok with me.

I would never allow someone to take my child to someone who refuses to communicate with me.

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Your daughter is too young for your mother to not communicate with you. You absolutely are not in the wrong and shame on your mom for putting you the position she did when it came to your father and his girlfriend.

2 Likes

Nope sorry …grandma wants to see YOUR Baby she will have to do it with you

2 Likes

Omg all this petty shit!! Your mom should be lucky she’s alive to see her grandkids!! :sob::sob: I’m sure my parents would have loved to live long enough to see my son!! :sob::sob: She needs to wake tf up

If you don’t want a relationship with me, you don’t get a relationship with my child 🤷

1 Like

I would let her still see her grandchild. Me and my mom dont need to be around each other.

I have issues with my mother in law but I have an open line of communication with her for my daughters’ sake. She doesn’t use it but if my daughters grow up wondering who she is they have the ability to get ahold of her. As of right now they have only met her once, they speak on the phone maybe twice a year if that. I grew up with grandparents wanting nothing to do with me because of my parents and the hurt that came with it. I won’t let that happen to them. With all that being said if any type of toxic shit comes from her she knows the lines will be cut instantly

Get it out of your life for good! My partners mother was like this, never met my kids and never will, it’s dead to us and that’s how we like it.

Hell NO!! Never let your child go with her. She could taker her places you are not aware of, or have her around people she shouldn’t be around. If your mother does not want a relationship with you, then she can zoom talk to the baby. That is it

First off… no. Just no. If she won’t have a relationship with YOU then NO relationship with the baby

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Nope, nope, nope.
I would not let her be around the child.

Its not cool of whatever family members who would take your child to your mom like that. Its underhanded and disrespectful.

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Big no if she can’t sort out what her problem with you both no way I would let her see your child she sounds very toxic and selfish

2 Likes

Hell no!!! She absolutely does not have any rights to see your daughter if she refuses to respect you or the father.

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Nope. Especially when she doesn’t want to follow your rules.

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I’m in a kind of similar situation with my father, but regardless if there’s no relationship with me there will not be one with my kids. As harsh as that sounds, it is what it is. That is YOUR child, your word is law. Would you even feel comfortable allowing your child around someone who doesn’t want you around? What energy would she transfer to your baby?

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You are right! No way would my child go. I would do whatever to get along with the parents if that was my grandchild.

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No way! If she won’t communicate with you or your husband, what if you DID agree to this, and something happened to your baby while under her care?? Would she not tell you? To me, thats too risky. If someone doesn’t want to be in MY life, they can’t be a part of my child’s. :woman_shrugging:

3 Likes

HEEEEEELLLLLL TO THE NO! Absolutely dont allow that…

Hell no. If you want to be around my child then you need to be around me. Communication is :key:

You are not wrong at all. Your Mother needs to put on her big girl panties and be an adult.

How sad! But…your child, your choice.

You are completely in the right! I would NEVER allow someone to take my daughter without communicating with me. HELL NO. Im so sorry your dealing with this though. That’s gotta be tough. Sounds like your mom needs to grow up!

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What you have are boundaries and those are really great thing especially if they are making people upset because that means those are not the people that can respect boundaries. Keep your boundaries and know that you are being a responsible parent by doing so.

2 Likes

Definitely NOT. She’s toxic to you, she will be toxic to her.

Absolutely not. Bringing her over to visit os one thing but dropping her off? Definitely not.

Let her take you to court for grandparents rights. Depending on your state,pa. Puts it in the grandparents law that the grandparents see to all dr appointments and have scheduled visits. If she wants to see her badly enough she can but under rules of the law. Your life choices should not impact the grandmother’s rights,or yours.

You guys are a packaged deal. So hell to the NO! She doesn’t deserve to see your child and she is no grandmother!!!

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I would never allow that to happen, wait for her to reach out to you to begin that relationship

Absolutely not!! My children are my world and will not go with anyone who I have issues with. I have to be able to trust the person caring for my children when I am not around. And if they can’t communicate with me well then that’s on them. I will not allow someone else to dictate who can be around my children. I am the MOTHER and what I say GOES!!

3 Likes

No way… She is not being fair at all. Stick to your guns. If she wanted to be in your daughter’s life then she ought to make more effort. Her loss. Xx

That is messed up hell no! Anf shes so young what if something happened u need communication between the person and u and trust incase of emergency…

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Absolutely not. If you can’t have a relationship with me and my husband. You do not have one with our children.

Absolutely not. If you can’t have a relationship with me and my husband. You do not have one with our children.

2 Likes

Never. Specially not in a grandparent situation, father ok… but not the grandparents… how immature on her part!

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She is YOUR child and who is around her is yalls decision. Dont let yourself be bullied. Stand your ground!:heart:

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If your mom doesn’t respect You and what you have to say about your baby, what makes you think that she’s going to follow your rules with that child when she watches her?

2 Likes

Do not negotiate with a terrorist. Remover that sentence when your child throws a temper tantrum for not getting what she wants.

2 Likes

Nope she stepped away she needs to leave it that way or make up with you how do u know when she starts to get older she wont sit there and talk bad abbout you and ur husband or ur family to your daughter

3 Likes

Absolutely not! If she can’t communicate with you or your hubby and doesn’t respect your rules then she needs to grow up.

1 Like

I’m not sure why grandmothers think they have any say in how we raise our children. They are just that grandparents. Not the parents. You are absolutely not wrong. I wouldn’t let her around my child either. If she doesn’t want to respect you as the mother and fix things with you and your husband then she doesn’t need to be around your child.

86 Likes

Nope no way would I allow that

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Tell her don’t let the door hit her where the good Lord split her.

6 Likes

Nope she needs to get over herself and realize life doesnt revolve around her. If she wants to be on the babies life the only way is to have a relationship with you.

3 Likes

Tell her that you have to be in the room with her as well. If she wants to relationship her granddaughter she has to have a relationship with you

1 Like

It is what it is, i mean how can a child love and miss someone they don’t even know. And if your mother really, I mean lets be real wanted a relationship with her grandchild she would make an effort she’s only saying to other people she wants a relationship to make herself for good, but believe me she wants absolutely nothing to do with her,
Actions speak Louder than Words …

8 Likes

Seriously why does she think that it would be ok to have a Relationship with the baby and not the parents :woman_facepalming:t3:

2 Likes

Absolutely not no matter who the person is if they don’t want a relationship with the parents then they don’t want one with the child

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No healthy relationship with the parents= no relationship with the children. Period. End of story.

2 Likes

There’s no way my kids are going anywhere where I’m not welcome. Your mom sounds childish.

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No definitely not. If she wants a relationship with her grandchild the least she could do is communicate with you.

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Anyone who won’t communicate with me would never have my child in their hands…away from me! No way!

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Absolutely not! If she has exed you, than she’s is a stranger. She doesn’t get to have a role in that baby’s life if she can’t manage the one with her own child. Toxic af! Save yourself and your child the healing process that will be inevitable in the near future. It sounds absurd. Dont even entertain the thoughts of it.

2 Likes

Your mother sounds quite childish. No , I would not allow her to keep the baby . If she wants to see the baby , she can see BOTH of you . I am terribly sorry she’s trying to control and manipulate you . Stay strong

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It is unfortunate when a relative is not not psychologically “potty trained” but still wants to dictate to healthy people, it is most certain she would smear her toxicity on your child if given access, protect your child

Strong no for me… my mother doesn’t even know my youngest child’s name

Why’s this a discussion? Cut your mom off and seek counseling and don’t expose your daughter to this. Protect her.

2 Likes

No. Allowing that is just dragging your daughter into an already toxic and uncomfortable situation. Plus, if she wants that relationship so bad she needs to get out of her own way and talk to you. Its a no for me. Goodluck, i hope it works out between you & your mom❤️

No way, I have a daughter too,my mom help me raise her, but never told me how or what to do with her,she always asked me if I’m ok with whatever she was doing when I was at work… I told her that she raised me alone and I trust her with everything, but she still asked! Your kid, your rules, end of story! It looks like she wants to control your life ! Sorry that you have to go through this!

Not a chance I would let that happen. That’s garbage. She needs to act like an adult before she can be trusted to take care of your child

1 Like

No way you have every right to feel the way you do , I would not do anything with my child that I feel uncomfortable with step back if your mom want to be in child’s life back her come to you and you both have a talk ,she needs to get over it sounds like she’s not over issues with your dad. And his new girlfriend and that’s on her

She sounds toxic to me and controlling. Needs to grow up and get used to the fact that your father has somebody else in his life. Your mother sounds very very immature. If she doesn’t want a relationship with her own daughter why on Earth would she want one with her granddaughter

Dont deny your daughter a relationship with her grandmother…your daughter will hate you for it later…

6 Likes

That’s a toxic influence around your child. It’d be a big nope from me, grandmothers loss. Part of loving her granddaughter is respecting her parents.

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Just no. Nope. Stand your ground.

Hell No!! If she’s doesn’t have enough repeat for you her daughter than she doesn’t need to be around your child…Nope!

No
I would never do do that. Your mom needs to grow up. I was divorced and I took my son to my ex’s moms house every Wednesday so she could have a relationship with him. It’s hard but she should not put you in the middle