I wouldn’t talk to her anymore. It’s extreme but that’s totally unacceptable. How is she able to say things like that when you have a step dad that helped raised you, but now that your the step parent it’s an issue??? Especially with her being old enough to understand what your mom is saying, that’s hard. The next time it happens I would make a big deal out of. I would say it’s your choice to be in her life, you love her like your own even if she isn’t blood. She’s your child, and she either needs to accept it and move on, or she won’t be hearing from you again. My mom is kind of the same way, so i get where your coming from. My husband has 3 kids from a previous relationship, we have a toddler and pregnant with our 2nd. Thankfully she isn’t that bad but she makes the same comments “well they aren’t your kids” like… yes, yes they are. How do you just marry someone but don’t accept their kids as yours? So weird. Anyways, yeah I would tell her to quit real quick because if she hurts your daughters feelings again it won’t pretty, or she won’t be hearing from you any longer. I feel like it’s really extreme but there’s really no need to single her out like that, she’s a 9 year old child and it’s not going to do anything but break her down & upset her.
I’d tell my mom, it’s all or nothing… end of story. And then accept her choice and follow through. I haven’t spoken to my mother in years and will likely never speak to her again for doing something similar. My kids are the most important thing in the world. PERIOD
Advise her that if that is how she feels then she doesn’t see any of them and that as you weren’t raised by your father that it must mean that your step father isn’t your dad. Talk to your stepfather see if he feels the same way if so cut them off they are toxic and it is not good for any of the children. Your mother sounds like a piece of work who needs an attitude adjustment and stopping her from seeing the kids will do it, advise her that either she treats all the children the same or she doesn’t get to see any that you will not allow your oldest to be treated like a second class citizen she is after all the other children’s biological sibling. Imagine if you had adopted she is best gone.
It seems there’s a growing consensus on telling Mom it’s All or Nothing, I 100% agree.
It’s kind of crazy considering you had a stepfather.
That’s messed up. Good luck
Your mom is way out of line
This is so sad 
your a good mom
Cut her out, let her know that if she can’t treat all of the kids the same then she will no longer be allowed around any of them
if she can’t except then all than she doesn’t need to see any of them
My husband’s family did the same to us… But they took it a step farther.
When met we both had 2 kids, and had another together right away. They loved me at first. About the time the baby turned 2, we m
Noticed they stopped including MY kids in things… even the one I had with their son… At first they loved me for stepping in and taking control of things… ( my husband was kinda in over his head raising 2 kids on his own.
Once they started ignoring my 3, my husband told his family, you accept all 5 of my children or you don’t see any of them…
We found out years later it was Because I am Mexican and Puerto Rican. I don’t look it, so it never came up until we were out and a woman ended help cause she only spoke Spanish. That was it…
That was 5 years ago, haven’t seen them since.
Sorry mom, I wont be talking to you anymore.
Set a boundary with your mom and stepdad that they have to treat her the same as the others or not be involved with any of them. It’s for the mental health of your daughter.
Your an amazing momma and my parents are kinda the same with my 3 bonus kiddos anytime they ask how many grandkids they have they just include their bio grandkids but it’s okay my babies are super loved 
it hurts my feelings but they know I will always be their for them
Can’t Pick Your In Laws
Time to cut ties and do a no contact . You are a package and if she can’t treat her as a equal then she doesn’t need to be in your lives
Throw the whole mom out!
Yup I wouldn’t be having anything to do with her.
I’m in the same boat! I agree if they can’t accept the bonus child then they do not have to accept the others and it will be their loss and they will miss out on memories being created with ALL of the kids. Children are not meant to be treated this way
Sadly family can be toxic and you need to step back for yourself and your children.
I was in a similar situation. I had left a bad relationship and was moving back to Michigan. I asked my mother for help. To take my 3 kids for just 2 weeks so I could start a job. I was literally going to be couch surfing from friend to friend until my 1st paycheck. My mother was willing to take my 2 older children but not my youngest. He has autism. She called him a freak and didn’t want him in her house. That was the last time I spoke to her. She couldn’t accept my child was different, then we didn’t need her in our family. My son was very hurt by her comments, but he watched me stand up for him. And choose him over her. So that’s what you gotta do as well. Choose your bonus daughter. She will have so much respect for you, that will truly show your daughter what she means to you in your family and in your heart. Im so sorry that happened.
If she can’t love her the way you do. Then maybe she is not to be involved in the everyday lives. She has to remember that she had brought you up to Love the way you want to be treated
If she can not accept them all they way u do then it is time to say well when u want to accept all 5 of them as your grandkids then you will be allowed to see them again
If mom acts that way then find a new babysitter who will not judge or separate yur kids.
When yur mom get cut out the picture she will think about how she will mentally tear that bonus child mind state up
Cut her out asap. That’s such an awful thing to say to you about her. How does your dad treat her? Is he the same?
I’d simply cut her off from all the kids .
It’s clear as night and day , if she cannot accept your bonus child then she needs no part of your life and your daughter needs to know you will stand up for her , it’s not about her mother doing anything for you it’s not her responsibility . If you love her that’s all you will see and that’s all she will need
I dealt with a situation like this but 75% of my family was that way. Not just my mom. Ended up ruining our relationship.
I’d cut contact with her honestly Bc thts not cool not one bit
That’s really sad. Love and hugs to your girl.
Maybe you should mention your step dad not your dad but excepted him as your dad.
I would cut her off. If she can’t except the fact that you have a daughter that you did not give birth to than she does not need to be in any of your kids lives. As much as it going to hurt it’s going to be the best for you and your family.
Either mom and stepdad straighten up, or see none of y’all because you’re not about to allow someone to treat your daughter like an outsider. Tell them as it is, and don’t back down
Thank you for being a good mom.
Id be like if you can’t love all of my kids the same, you don’t get to see them. And you brought up a great point about her husband raising you as his own when your not and it didn’t seem to be a problem. She needs to figure out her problem by herself.
She would be gone! My son is not biologically mine, I knew him since birth and raised him since he was 2, he’s not my step-son I NEVER refer to him as such he’s MY SON, his mom wasn’t around maybe 1-2 times when he was about 3/4 (she finally tried this past December he’s 23 now 
) we also have 2 girls!
My mom when she posts stuff on FB etc. she always mentions her 3 grandkids and how she loves them and is proud of them! A good mother usually sees her role to support family and sometimes family is not always blood!
Go get family pics with ALL ur kiddos and even do a couple where EACH one is the star, put those pics up all over the house and teach ur daughter that not everyone will treat her with the respect and love she deserves, but YOU always will. And if ur mom ever says anything again, sit her down at a table with ur daughter and u and have ur daughter tell her why she loves her and ask ur mother why she cant do the same. Real awkward but she’ll shut the hell up really quickly, and it sounds like the girl doesn’t need her anyways
Girl if a man can raise a child that’s not his so the hell can a woman. If y’all love each other and love all the kids then that’s all that matters. Your mom should be the first one to understand that I feel. But her negative attitude and bad vibes don’t deserve a spot at the table if she’s gonna be like that in your life ya feel me? You don’t have to feel bad for being upset at all! You don’t ever have to feel bad for cutting toxic crap
From your life.
Cut her out of your life. Your bonus daughter does not need to be around that.
I have this issue with my husband’s family. They acknowledge his son but not our other 5. My ex in laws claim all 6. Only 3 of them are their grandkids but they do not make a difference. They love all 6 the same and treat them the same. Needless to say there is little to no contact at all with my husband’s family. Toxic is toxic regardless of who they are.
Sounds like it time to cut a toxic mother out of you and your children lives until she change her behavior.
Next time, hang up immediately after the first rude statement. Don’t let the kid continue to hear you going back and forth, to hear even worse things.
Grandma needs to learn to love all or none, sucks your gonna have to give her an ultimatum. I hope once you do it will open her eyes. I occasionally have had to do that to my own mom. But once I do it really puts her in check. I have a bonus child, and a bonus nephew. I don’t get to stick up for my nephew often because I don’t see it first hand but when it comes to my baby you do for him as you’d do for the others or you don’t do anything at all.
Well This would be the time to just cut her off. Tell her since you can’t treat all the kids the same you don’t get to see any of them. Maybe one day she will see the errors of her ways . But it’s not going to be today.
Your mom is stupid and a hypocrite
Bro, your mum needs to go!
That’s definitely a very tough situation and I’m sure you love your mother and don’t want to cut ties. I say try to have a sit down conversation with her without the kids present. Maybe she’s had time to think about what you said prior.
Then mom wouldn’t have anything to do with any of the kids. How awful of her. What kind of monster punishes a child for things beyond their control? It obviously wasn’t a problem for her husband to play daddy to her kids. Now she sees a problem. Smh
Ask your mother how she would have felt if this were done to her!! Ask her how she would have felt if your step dads mother would have reacted like that!! I guarantee she wouldn’t have liked it one bit!! If she respond “it’s not the same, you don’t understand “. Respond back that it in fact is the exact same thing!! AND ITS WRONG!! She should be ASHAMED of herself!! It is very possible to love a child just as much as you love your own!! It’s called unconditional love and by the sounds of it, your mother needs a damn good lesson in it!! Good luck to you love and keep ROCKING AT BEING A MOM AND POSITIVE HUMAN FOR THE LITTLE ONES!! God knows we need more people like you in this world!!
Parents are to be respected, sure. But they have to gain it just the way anyone else does.
So snipsnip, as someone here already said.
Imagine doing that to one of your own child someday… You’d think you’d be totally mad wouldn’t you? Yup. Bc your mom is.
The best thing I ever did w my mom was cutting her off.
How can you not love a bonus child??? My daughter has 2 bonus children and I love them very much
If she doesn’t accept all the kids and treat them equally, then she doesn’t need to be in any of their lives! My 1st born was not my husband’s but he has been there since she was 2. If one person would have treated her differently then our other 2 children I would have wrote them off so quick! I don’t play that game!
I would not speak to her until she straightens out…that is just rude of her! That poor child over hearing that!!! She gonna have a hate on for your mother forever now…
If she cant accept all the children then she shouldnt be around any of them. Her negative comments can hurt all the children or make yours resent the bonus child. Cut her off until she comes to her senses
You stand your ground mama. No matter who it is they have no right to tell you that that child is not yours. You keep doing you and show that little girl how much love you have for her whether or not her grandmother and grandfather dont
Id be cutting my mom off.
The thing is, your mom loses NOTHING by including your bonus daughter. That she even voiced it like she did & is that mindful of something that doesn’t affect her…It’s concerning. Her demons are her own to deal with. Explain she’s (bonus) your child too & your mother can either pretend and be kind or get lost. No child deserves that. Not your bonus child or your other kids who will see the way your mom is acting and be affected by it. Nip it now before it goes any further.
She needs to I have a step daughter my husband has three step kids by me…all seen as our kids…but I do go through this with his family, my family supports his…he cut all ties to them for it. And have not spoken I’m 3 years now. Family is your wife/husband and kids…others are just extended after.
Cut that heffer out.
Your Mom seems toxic
If you have accepted the baby as your own then continue to raise her as such - Remove yourself and your children from any situation that may impact them now and later in the future.
I feel like your stuck because she is grandma and the sitter for your kids so if you cut her off emotionally you might just lose what you need. What a tough situation to be in. Your daughter deserves better.
Toxic as fuck. Cut her OUT of your life for good
It should be all kids equal or nothing at all! Your mother owes that little girl an apology! I’m sorry you have to deal with that
That’s a child, if it was the other way around and your husband was The stepfather to one of your children, she will want him to treat all your kids the same, that’s just stupid and evil as hell…
Sorry to say but your mum sounds like a cow she has no heart. Give her the choice be in ALL MY KIDS LIVES + YOUR BONUS BABE
if not happy about that then say
WELL YOU WILL HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH MY KIDS IF YOU CANT EXCEPT THEM ALL PERIOD!!!
a Mother is a Mother who cares for all children that she feels that needs looking after and love, no matter if there blood or not.
I think you know what to do its just taking that action and doing it and putting this to a stop befor your 9yr old starts getting mentally emotional thinking nobody wants her ect… or not welcomed.
How she don’t love your bonus kid but expected a man to love you as his own in which he did with no issues? She stupid !
Okay, you wouldn’t allow anyone else to hurt your children. You need to cut your mother out. If you really see her as your child- fight for her.
Remove your mother away from hurting your bonus child.
Cut her right out of your life. She is an ignorant hypocrite. I’ve been cutting people out left and right. The sense of relief I feel is immense. You and your kids…all 5 of them and you & your hubby deserve better.
I cannot even phantom. My ex mil accepts ALL of my children. My oldest and youngest are not her blood. But she makes a point to take all of them every chance she gets. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. It is definitely a time for a sit down and possibly a cutoff
GM is being selfish…kudos to you for standing up for your DAUGHTER!!!
YOU are a real,true mom.
I would question what kind of mom yours is to be so.hurtful to a 9 year old.
I would personally distance myself from her .
Her words are.hurtful to all your kids .
Wow sounds like u need to let her know that they are all equal and loved if she doesnt understand then cut her off thats just bs
This seems toxic. For me it would ultimately be like this… either you accept her as mine or you will no longer be welcome as all you’re doing is bringing negativity upon an innocent child.
Your mother needs Jesus. Ask her WWJD🤷🏽♀️.
Respectfully fuck that and her. She should know better than anyone that you can love your step child as your own watching her husband do it your entire life smh. I would cut her off. She is hurting your baby that’s all that matters
I’m sorry but this is so disrespectful. My sons wife and her whole entire family has never treated my granddaughter as anything but their own in the 7 yrs that they have been married.
If she cant accept all of you, then none of you have to associate until she is grown enough to understand she is wrong. You are a mother to her as much as your other children she needs to understand, and respect that period.
I can’t believe people even consider how to handle situations like this! Your mom doesn’t deserve to be in any of your children’s lives if she can’t accept your choices and all of your children. You should also not want your children to overhear such hurtful things and how does she treat your oldest amongst the group of her grandchildren would be a huge concern for me while she babysits.
If it was my mom, I’d disown her. Sorry.
What kind of woman doesn’t accept any child. Maybe you should have her read these comments to see just what kind of an ahole she truly is
This is a no go. That line that nobody should ever cross. If they can’t accept all…they get no access to any. Either they will straighten up and do what’s right…or live with the consequences. Their choice.
I wouldn’t let your mom see any of them anymore, at least for awhile to get your point across… tell her she is a hypocrite and tell her she isn’t seeing any of them until she wakes up and starts being a decent human being… don’t accept your mom being like that, as you need to show support to all of your kids so that know what is right and what isn’t. Don’t hide or sugarcoat anything, even with the kids, as they need to know what is going on.
She really needs to accept all of them including bonus child or I child or I would say you can’t see any of them children including me my spouse and until she comes around and realizes that is also your child I wouldn’t allow her to see any I’d been in your shoes with 3 bonus children and it was a horrible situation but I put my foot down within 2 months everything changed and all kids were accepted
So 8 years and she has not accepted her? That’s sad 
time to completely cut her off! Show YOUR daughter how important she is to you and that you will stand up for her no matter who it is.
Children are not always the same blood, but are always loved the same in our home!..
If she didn’t treat all kids the same she wouldn’t be in any of their life’s!
Id flip out. I have 3 bonus children and if they were local they would be included in everything.
Bonus child??? When did a child become a bonus? A miracle child i understand. Why even identify a child as a bonus? I can see it now for introductions, this is my son George and here is my bonus child Gabriel. Yea no separation there…smh
Love them all or love none 
that’s my rule.
She wouldn’t be seeing any of my kids anymore then, if she can’t accept them all she doesn’t deserve to see or be a part of any then!!
Your mom is being super hurtful but she’s 9 so I would explain to her you don’t feel that way and I would take a time out with you mom. If she’s willing to be that hateful and spiteful your kids don’t need that energy and either do you. I hope it all gets better!
Personally I’d cut her off until she changes her tune, if that’s forever then so be it. How heartless and how upsetting for miss 9. 
Disown the bitch, that is absolutely disgusting behavior from a grown ass women, I’m appalled
Definitely put your foot down! Do NOT allow that kind of behavior PERIOD!!! Prayers
8 years and ur mom won’t accept her? She sounds shitty! Tell her if she can’t accept bonus, she gets to see NONE. F that favoritism.
Cut off your mom. Sorry not sorry.
No one in your life or you kids lives has Any right to make them feel less than what they are. Parent, sibling, significant other, if what they are saying to your kids is hurtful to them, they Gotta GO. IDGAF if she’s only been in your life a week, when she becomes your child, she is your child to you, moreso the day you become ‘mom’ to her.
That’s horrible I couldn’t imagine my life without my 3 bonus babies now 16, 18, an 20. I’m sorry about your situation wish I had advice I would be hurt if my mother tried treating them differently
If she doesnt treat the stepdaughter the same as the bio kids, she would see none of them period. No 9 year should have to be exposed to that when she didnt ask to be a stepchild. No CHILD should be treated like that, and you would be exposing her to unnecessary trauma by continuing her to be involved in such a negative environment