Just imagine how she treats that child when you’re not around.
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Um no! I’ve have a step mom since the age of 6 and she has treated us no different than her bio 2 kids! She tell everyone she has 4 kids! She says my kids are her grandkids and same with my brother! She needs to choose all or none!
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Shame on your mother ! Keep loving and treating her as your own . i wouldnt let your mom watch her because theres no telling what she says to her are what your daughter hears .
You are an amazing step mom I agree with the ultimatum
Sometimes you gotta love people from a distance! Sorry mom
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I would tell her to either except your bonus child or she won’t be able to except your other children
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Im sorry your baby heard what she said, I imagine that did hurt her feelings and that alone is sad and painful to know. If she cannot accept your bonus baby, then she needs to step aside from being involved and caring for your other biological kids. Blood doesn’t always make family. I dont get how she, basically dealing with the same thing when you were a child,can be that way towards your daughter. Blood or not, that’s your baby.
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It’s pretty simple really, your kids always come first, anyone toxic to your or your babies, have got to go! 
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It’s hard bit cut that toxic crap out of your life.
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I agree with statements above
Wow shame on her. This makes me so mad and sad .
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What a beautiful story! Brought tears to my eyes.
I know that we would feel the same way.
Mary and Kaye be proud of all that you have done.
Wonderful families! 
That breaks my heart… I could never imagine not including all the kids. Biological or not. They all are included or it’s not happening… end of story.
We haven’t been to visit my grandma in almost a year because she will not accept my bonus daughters who I’ve had for 4 almost 5 years now, or the 2 kids I have birthed since my divorce. She will only call my oldest 3 biological kids her grandkids.
So I told her last Christmas is was all 8 of my kids or none of my kids and she said if I showed up for Christmas there would only be presents for her “real” grandkids and maned the 3. I said nope we’re done. When you decide you can accept all my children we’ll talk about visiting again. But not until then. (Just sucks for me cause my grandpa and I are super close and he is not doing the best health wise from what I’ve heard 
)
But you should never let so called family ever make your kids feel like they aren’t wanted.
Good on you momma!!
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I would cut her off until she can accept them all.
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Your mother is a disgrace … I would go over there and have a very frank conversation with her … She is hurting a 9 year old child … How can any normal person be so cruel … I would tell her she better change her tune or she will not be seeing your family … She is a terrible person
My ex partner raised my oldest son. We are nolonger together but he has always kept the bond he shares with my son. I have no respect for him as a partner, but as a father he has been there, and for this I will always be grateful. Your step daughter will treasure you. You’ve doing a brilliant job.
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I would stop all contact with all the children until she can accept all of them. She cant do for 1 without doing for all.
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Goodbye mom. Hands down. That sort of negativity aint healthy for anyone so cut the cord. Love your mom from a distance but stop giving her openings to be nasty. A 9 year old child. Awful. Its either all or none and leave it at that and be happy with ALL of your kids.
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I’m currently going through this with my boyfriends grandmother only wanting to take his daughter who is 6 but we have a baby together and I have a son who is 3 who adores them and the two smaller kids are never invited only the oldest but my parents treat her just like the other two grandchildren no different so I have cut them off till they can treat them equal and I suggest you do it to
One word… HYPOCRITE!!! If there were step kids involved she must’ve been the shittiest stepmom!!! You are a good mother!!! If I were your husband I wouldn’t let her bio grandkids near her or your stepdad
Sounds super toxic. Cut your mom off and maybe I mean MAYBE if she comes to her senses you can possibly work something out but honestly I wouldn’t trust her. Kids know when they are treated differently and your daughter doesn’t deserve that. She deserves unconditional LOVE from everyone in her family. Words like that are dangerous to anyone especially a child it is something she will never forget and it’s just not worth it. Your daughter deserves better. I think you know already what needs to be done. Make that choice for your family.
Sounds like ur mom is toxic af
Your mom is a piece of work. Your 9yr old deserves better and you should take her to counseling so the hurtful words of your mom’s doesn’t fester. I would cut your mom off
Sounds like you need to remove yourself and the kids ,from your mom’s life until she can quit being toxic to your family
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So sad not to have love for a child whom you all love and care for, sending prayers hope she changes her mind.
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I am so sorry i am a step parent as well and i go through that to a point as well my husband family excepts our kids as a whole has since day one but i fight with some of my family on the same stuff but that little girl is lucky to have you for a step mom so i think she will be ok in the end just keep doing what you are doing cause you are doing a good job and i would cut your mom out of things turn it around on her let her feeling be hurt
She wouldn’t be babysitting my kiddos either as I’m sure she has said things while watching them. When it comes to kiddos it’s all or nothing.
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Tell her it’s all or none even your step kid because when you married him she became yours
All I know is your doing a great job making sure she knows she no different the the kids that you gave birth too. Even though she heard your mom be completely disrespectful, she also heard you get mad about it and defend her. Your mom is wrong and I don’t know how to change her mind.
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Dude your mom has to go. Your children come first. All of them
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Throw the whole mom away!!!
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Im sorry but your mother is an a grade a##hole, keep doin what ya doin and leave her behind, you have and are creating an amazing family of ya own and ya dont need anyone like that in ya life especially a parent. Keep being the awesome mum/human that you are and dont let her get you down focus on hubby n kids n you thats your family xxx goodluck
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That’s disgusting. I wouldn’t even want to be around my mother at that point
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Mom just keep being the mom you are being and protect the little one just remember you can’t stop someone else’s behavior. And you having a good stepfather made you a great step mom.
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Your post made me sad for you and your 9 year old. How hurtful for both of you. Im sorry you are going through this. …I couldn’t be around someone who treated a child like they aren’t equal to the others
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My mom would be ex-communicated from my life for actions like that. Peace lady! Blood means nothing to me. My bonus kids are the best.
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She sounds like a bully 
I understand your mom’s point. The bio mom is involved. She feels that you’re being taken advantage of by both your husband & her mom. She knows that if your relationship with your husband ends then your relationship with your step daughter will most likely end too. She doesn’t want you & your kids to be hurt. You’ll have those pictures to look back on seeing the person you can’t have in your life. I’m thankful that I never got professional pictures done with my stepson. I have pics of him with my kids. The good pics are just them. Maybe do both. Some with & some without her? It’s upto you. We all make choices. Your choice is to include her. That’s great! Your mom’s choice is not take her. She has that right.
I too was raised by a step father. I hate that term. In all purposes except for blood he was my daddy. I refer to my father on the rare occasion I talk about him by his first name. He didn’t stay with me when I was sick, he didn’t teach me anything, he didn’t make sure I was safe or help me with little kid fights or any of those things dad’s do. So I get it. As an adult though I know that if my parents spilt up he wouldn’t have been in my life any longer. He would’ve tried. My mom wouldn’t have prevented it. But life goes on. There’s only so many weekends to spread out. My father wouldn’t have given up a day even though he didn’t spend his time with me.
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Oh hell no. That is your child to. I wouldn’t allow anyone that didn’t except her around any of my kids. My husband and I have 5 kids 2 biologically mine but I have 5 kids. If anyone doesn’t except any of them then they won’t be apart of any of my babies lives. Since she over heard that nonsense make sure she knows that your parents are wrong and she is yours just as much as the others. I’m so sorry that happened I feel horrible for her. She is only 9 still a baby. She should have never heard that. Shame on your mother.
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Your mother is very rude
I’d cut ties with her… I’d be damned if I ever let anyone in my family disrespect and be ugly towards my “bonus” son
Cut her off completely. That is toxic. Better off without her anyways in that case
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Same thing happened to me! When I got married, I took on my husbands kids as my own, called them my kids. There was no separate bank account for the kids. My mom told me they would never be her grandkids, only her step grandkids. That was the final straw! I’m glad my kids never heard that, it would’ve crushed them. Other family members even told her she was out of line, she didn’t seem to care. Hell no!! All she had to do was call and apologize to my husband, and I told her that, that was 3 years ago . Blood may be thicker than water, but friends are the family you don’t have! . She will have to stand at the pearly gates and answer some day. 
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Im sorry but i wouldn’t want my mom to watch any of the children. I can only imagine the things she would say to them about your step child. It’d be a big no way for me.
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What a poor excuse for a mother I would cut her off she does not deserve 
to be a mother or a grandmother
Yuck. Your mum has to go!!
Mom has to go. She’s toxic to your step daughter:broken_heart:
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Yeah…. I would end the relationship with my mom over something like this. My children come first always. Bonus children as well!
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Sorry but your mom Is an ass wipe. She should be proud of you. Remind her whats good for the goose is good for the gander. She should act like a grown up and apologize to your daughter, husband and you.
If she won’t accept your bonus child then she shouldn’t be involved in any of the kids lives, make it clear she either accepts them all equally or none of them!
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Cut your Mum out! Fucking bitch!
Seriously she’s been in. Your child’s like for about 8 years sense your Been in the child’s life sense about 1yr old and she is behaving like this, what is wrong with her! I’d of fucking lost my damn shit, birthed by you or not that’s still your child!
She’s disgusting. Kick her out of yours and the kids lives entirely. All of you deserve better. Tell her if bonus daughter isn’t your “real” daughter, that you aren’t her “real” daughter. Blood isn’t always thicker than water, tell her to suck it
I understand your mother she wants to protect you if your relationship ends so does the relationship with the child the child already has her own parents you would have no legal rights to the child you only see and care for this child because her parents allow you too they can also stop that at anytime they decide too you need boundaries to protect yourself and children involved but you can still love the child while she’s in your care don’t fall out with your own mother
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I would’ve flipped. I would’ve been like okay well if you can’t treat all of MY children equally you won’t see them til you can… blood isn’t what makes you a family!
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Toxic toxic toxic. I would personally cut ties
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That was just CRUEL AND MEAN. So sad for your daughter
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I feel so hurt for your bonus child… no kid should feel that. Your mom is horrible and a hypocrite. You are AMAZING for loving all your children the same. Don’t ever change that. I would personally cut my mom off if she ever treated me children any different then the other. You are an amazing momma!
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Wow I actually have no words. But very curious 
when you bought up to your mum about your “step dad” raising you. You are right how is this any different. You are wonderful mum defending ALL your kids. And if I was in your shoes I would be fuming
That is heartbreaking. I come from a blended family. Your mom is in the wrong!
Ang Dowling Nugent the op states this child is 9 years old and she has been in her life since she was a year old. You don’t get to say oh I’m protecting my daughter from a fall out when it’s been that long. The mother is a toxic slag who is worried about the bio mother not doing anything for her daughters bio children which she has no reasoning to do so when the children are her ex and ops children. However as the op is with this little girls father it is the op and her spouse to take care of his bio daughter from another monther
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Cut her off. Don’t put your daughter through that.
Grandma wouldn’t be around for a while. She needs a time out. Just continue loving all your babies. Birth or bonus. Make it a point to have a convo with the oldest and tell her that just because grandma feels that way you don’t. That no matter what she is YOURS! Teach her that not everyone will understand but that it will never change the way that you hold her in your heart. Those who matter don’t mind and those who mind don’t matter.
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I’d tell her it’s all or nothing. You Wanna see your grandkids then you are gonna see all 5 of them.
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I’m 73yo & cared for kids all my life as a teacher, parent,… I’ve found anything you do for children adds a bonus in your personal Happiness Account, ALL children.
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That’s unfortunate. Protect the child always. Toxic is toxic.
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I’d honestly cut grandma out until she gets with the program. You’re definitely right that this could be negatively affecting your daughter. I mean so many bonus kiddos can feel like the “other” in blended families, and she is obviously so loved by you and her dad, but grandma is hurting her. So wrong on so many levels. Yeah, I’d tell her to not bother coming around until she can treat the girl as her own grandbaby.
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Cut ties! I know it’ll be hard but she sounds toxic and that precious baby needs protected. Your mom needs to know that the way she’s being isn’t okay. I’ve been through the same thing. You’ll be in my prayers!
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mama needs to butt the hell out and grow up
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What a azzzz ask your so called step father if that is how he has felt about you all your life too.
children need as much love from people around them as they can get in this crazy world we live in. If they can’t accept that baby not birthed by you but has sibling by you as part of the family they need to forget the fact your children or only part of your so called mother and not your stepfather’s. That’s the additude they whole in my book.
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Reassure your step daughter that you absolutely LOVE her and nothing will ever change that. And your mother will NOT be in the picture until she apologizes and has a change in attitude.after all,she DID remarry and another man raised you as HIS own. Their is NO difference,and she has to see that on her own. You can’t make her see that. At the end of the day,toxic IS toxic,and none of the children need to be around that sort of hurtful negativity. 
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That little girl is so fortunate that you love her like you do. Her feelings definitely need to be a top priority in you and your husband’s life, as do all the children’s. I wonder why your stepdad would back your mom up in this since you were not his blood but he evidently treated you as such. Does your mom watch this child also? If so I would be concerned as to whether she treats the others differently and tells them that this child is not their sister. You need to put a stop to your mother’s words and actions immediately. This child needs to know that she is as important and as loved as the others. When I married my ex I had a 5 year old son and I was very fortunate in that his family treated my son the same as the two we had together.
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Answer seems obvious. Ask your mom and step dad if that’s truly how he, your step-dad, felt about you all these years. If not, then, stop being horrible hurtful hypocrites. If they still persist, walk away permanently
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She was just plain mean! There is no reason a grown woman should ever be mean to a child. For awhile you will have to go out of your way to reassure your bonus child of your love and how wrong your mom is for saying what she did. Your mom was cruel. No excuse for her actions. You are a wonderful, loving momma to your little girl.
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That is sad and unfortunate that your parents don’t consider her as your own. You refer to her as “your bonus child”. I hope you don’t refer her as a “bonus child” in front of her. As an adult, I understand your meaning…you have your own biological children, but your step-child is your “bonus-child”. But, that could be interpreted by the child negatively. I think you need to refer to her as “your child”…not a bonus or step-child. When you talk about her, especially in her presence, she is your daughter. Make her feel like she is yours…and make sure ANYONE on the outside knows that you consider her to be yours…and not a step-child or “bonus child”. First and foremost…she needs to feel you consider her to be as loved and important as her siblings you actually birthed. And, your family needs to know and accept this…if they don’t, then I would not give them access to their biological grandkids.
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I feel awful for your bonus daughter! Your Mother has a lot to learn about family!! To say those things in front of her after your step father raising you is unbelievable to me. I would not allow her around any of my kids until she changed her tune. Good luck.
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Truly sad. Both of my children are adopted and I love them dearly as I love my grandchildren. We’re not related by blood. But they are family and they were fully and truly accepted by my family . my parents, aunts and uncles. Every child deserves to be loved
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I think Grandma us not stable enough to keep any children. Anyone that would willfully hurt a child by treating her as if she does not belong is not fit to keep any of the kids. Seems like this mom is a great mom…hard to believe she was raised by this woman. I would not let any of my kids be around her unless I was there …she is not stable.
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I have 2 kids, a daughter from my 1st marriage, a son from my husbands 1st marriage …they are both my children. I’m so sorry your little girl heard what was said, so very wrong. Grandma needs a time out, and all or nothing, stand your ground
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This is sad. There are no “steps” in families! A child is a child. Our granddaughter isn’t biologically my son’s but she is our granddaughter nonetheless and my son’s daughter. This grandmother ought to be ashamed.
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I don’t understand how someone can be such a witch to a child…my first grandchild happened to be my daughters bonus daughter and even though she lives states away with her mom whenever they have the little girl for their part of the year she gets gifts and included just like she was my own. Honestly I would tell my mother until she can stop behaving in that manner and accept the child as part of the family all the grandchildren and myself would stay away.
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I love the word “Bonus” child. It is so sweet. Hope all works out with your family.
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Sounds like your Mom needs a little therapy. Thats not normal. I would back away from her for your kids sake until she can come to her senses. Something bigger has happened in the past to cause this type of reaction. I pray she gets some help for her anger towards the 9 yr old. Best of luck
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You have a selfish Mom ,she better read her Bible we are all God’s children ,they are only lent to us ,and I give thanks to our LOVING GOD THAT THIS LITTLE GIRL IS A GIFT TO YOU ,AND YOUR MOTHER SHOULD LOVE AS MUCH AS YOU DO GOD BLESS YOU AND YOUR LITTLE LOVED ONES AMEN
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First things first! MY GOSH! what a wonderful person you are! This is the first post I’ve ever read on this page full of love for your bonus child. Yes, your feelings are totally valid for your mothers terrible behaviour. Unfortunately you may never change her behaviour, unless doing something drastic like cutting your mother out all of your lives, but then all the children may suffer. Kill her with kindness. Keep defending your bonus child like you have been and continue to be an amazing role model for your daughter. If your mother continues after a warning she may have to be cut off. Inexcusable, disgusting and vile to make a child feel like that.
Thank you for being an amazing bonus mummy
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My stepson got the cold shoulder from my mom (he didn’t live with me) , so we made a life without them .my step grandson got the cold shoulder also so my son didn’t connect with them . I feel bad that my blended family doesn’t have much connection with their cousins and aunts and uncles now that my parents are gone. There is alot of heritage they are missing out on.
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My mom felt the same about my oldest. Who turns 13 this year. Short version. We had other issues, but this to. We don’t speak anymore. And I’m not sad about it
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When I married my husband I became a mom to three bonus children. My mom, sister and family, brother and family, aunts, uncles and my cousins all treated my bonus children just as if they had been born into our family. When our daughter passed away everyone mourned her death. This grandma and step grandpa should be ashamed of themselves!!! How can you treat a child like that! So cruel!!
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This is so sad. Family is not always blood! I have an adopted nephew that I love just as much as I do the rest of my nephews and nieces!! I love them all the same! I can’t understand how a grandma wouldn’t won’t another grandchild to love. I have two so far and I will love mine blood or not!!
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This a easy fix. Cut grandma out of the picture. Dont give her access to any of the kids until she realizes what a ass she is being . Then make her apologize directly to the child and allow her to see the kids under y’all’s supervision.
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You’re Mother is so wrong for her uncalled for behavior. It’s just plain hateful. She, more than anyone, should love all your children equally. Maybe time to put her in her place and leave her there for now. You and your family deserve better.
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Say bye bye to your Mom it is no way to cheat a child no matter if she’s no yours or not. I agree with Diana Earich toxic is no way to live love her to the moon and back just like to do to your other one’s.
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Since the 9 year old overheard the conversation, you need to tell her that she is loved perfectly in your family and it is unfortunate that some people are broken in their ability to love. Unfortunately, your mom is one of the broken people and she is truly missing out on what could be a wonderful relationship. Keep on pouring your love into this child and keep your boundaries with your mom.
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Then she shouldn’t be in your lives at all she can’t deal with it then none at all. You just keep loving her and not make her deal or hear from your mother at all. It’s ok for your step dad to but not your makes no sense.
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Stick by your instincts and love for the child you have alway considered your own.
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If it hurts your baby’s heart and it hurts your heart, maybe it’s time to put a little distance if possible between y’all. Your mom’s behavior and attitude is toxic to your family. And your bonus baby doesn’t deserve that. She is too small to fight for herself, so it falls on you to fight this battle for her.
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I’m so sorry this is happening for you. That mentality sucks. And I’m sorry your kiddo heard the conversation. I’m thankful it sounds like you all parent well together and in the best interest of the child. I would agree that I would separate someone who wasn’t willing to treat all my kids the same from mine and my child’s lives. I would honestly give her an ultimatum to accept her as your child or to not be involved with any of your children.
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What is a bonus child? Do you mean your stepchild? Since you are the adult and the parent, you should have been very careful that your nine year old not hear that conversation, but now the damage is done. So, does your mom take care of all the kids, including your stepchild? If your mom is providing free child care while you work, you should not be asking her to take the kids in for pictures, nor should you be getting mad and hanging up on her, no matter how aggravating it could be. Wait a few days until you calm down, then call and apologize. Let her know, quietly and calmly, that the example your stepfather set, is the example that you are following with your own stepdaughter. Tell your mom that you hope to be as loving and caring to that daughter, as he was to you.
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I’m curious if your mother is accepting of your marriage? Or if the bonus daughter is behavioral? There’s no justification, I’m just trying to wrap my mind around the fact that you were raised by a man that wasn’t your father (that she chose to bring into your lives), yet she is so unaccepting of her… it makes absolutely no sense smh!!
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