Several of you need to hear this. Empty nesters love their kids every but as much as those if you who have been parenting for 45 minutes. HOWEVER, we are not required to let what you want to do control OUR lives forever. Show some some respect. They spent at least 18 years and all if their money on you. PWhy do you even HAVE to be asked to not spend your life in their living room?? The entitlement us unbelievable.
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Ask your mom if it is OK for you to come over once in a while and see what she says or get a job and work so your not bored.
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Go over anywaysā¦ he probably doesnt like her time being occupied with anything other then him and bring it up to mom in front of himā¦ all apologetic Iām so sorry mom, I had no idea you were so tired of meā¦ youāll get the vibe off the roomā¦ good luck
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I would stop going over there and not speak to them unless they called me but see Iām crazy lol. Also I go to my dadās almost every day and if I donāt he calls me.
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I would speak to your mom
And also I wouldnāt Rely on them for help
If your going over to visit just visit dont Expect him to help you out with the kiddos especially since she said they already helping out with other kiddos theyāre probably tired
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You need to tell your mom what was said
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A lot of yāall are implying that her mom probably wouldnāt feel that way. I am a mom of 4 and love my children dearly. If any of them came over several times a week I wouldnāt love that. Everyone is different. It doesnāt mean the mom or the stepdad doesnāt love themā¦ and also just because i gave birth to you and poured my heart and soul into raising you, does not obligate me too have an open door policy. If her mom has anything like me she most likely put a lot of things on the side burner so that she could be a very present mother, now that the children are grown itās completely OK for her to do things for herself & her marriage JMO.
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Definitely talk to your mom and husband. Heās just step dad. Mom should step in and say something. Please go talk to your mom!!
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Maybe youāre draining them of their energy, emotional, physical, whatever it is. Nothing wrong with a break
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I think itās him and not mom. Mention it to YOUR mom.
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Talk to your mom. You let her know what he said, tell her you havenāt meant to stress her out and didnāt realize you were. You have to break the tension be honest allow her to be honest. Keeping that from your mom would be wrong and he shouldnāt have put that much stress on you. Thatās aggravating and I know it hurt you. Trust me, be honest.
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Talk to your mom cause your step dad could have misunderstood what she might have been saying but regardless your mom is your mom you need to talk to her about it just you and her .
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I donāt like the fact he told you not to tell your mom. I would ask her & see what she says. I understand your point of view but if this is true please donāt be mad at her. I know sheās mom but maybe they want some privacy? Some parents feel when theyāre done theyāre done ya know? Idk, ask mom n go from there.
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Definetly talk to your mom. But if you say they are constantly watching your sisterās kid, they probably want thier alone time. And you canāt blame them
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Sounds to me like hes tired of you coming over not her. I would say something to your mom. Its weird he told you not to.
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Itās nice to just be. Speaking as a mother with 3 grown children. I enjoy not having to be a āparentā sometimes.I love my kids and grands but I enjoy just spending time with with my husband and only worrying about us. Moderation is not to much to ask.
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Maybe he said not to mention it because he doesnāt want to put her in an awkward position. Maybe they talked privately and he knows sheād never just come out and tell you so he decided to. I understand how you feel 100%. Itās hard, but maybe you not being around will show them that theyād rather you be thereā¤ļø
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I think maybe not going EVERYDAY. But maybe like 2x a week. Somtimes people like there own space. Time for themselves. They raised there kids. Now its time for themselves somtimes. Im an introvert myself and can only handle so much company befor I feel like I need space.
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Talk to your mom. Itās not healthy to keep things in. BUT prepare yourself because she might say the same thing. I think that you should take the necessary steps to start fixing your own life. Maybe it did come from the heart that they advice not to go over .
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Definitely talk to your mom. If he told you not to say anything to her then she might not even feel this way and just think you donāt want to see herā:disappointed_relieved:
donāt let him put words in her mouth. Have her tell you if thatās how she feels alos
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I would talk to my mom about it if I was in your shoes. Communication is always key even when the words are difficult.
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If talking to your mom jeopardizes her marriage then donāt but if she is a strong woman then definitely tell her. He really has no say as to how much time you get spend at their house. If you donāt have a good relationship with your step dad thatās not your fault. He should allow visiting as long as itās not putting a strain on their marriageā¦ Good luck and stay strong. Your mom will always be your mom.
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Speak with your Mom, there could be another issue why your stepdad said that, could be that they are not in a good place or trying to hide something that they donāt want to share with you at this time, communication is the key and just be honest with her and even him and tell them you r there fir them whatever the issue might be
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Not being petty Bettyā¦I would say speak to your mom.
Being Petty Bettyā¦I would not only stop going over there but cut them off as well. Let your mom are the effort to come to you. When she ask why tell her its because of her ahole husband. Iām all for passive aggressive. 
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Well, I find it weird that you go to your parents to color your hair.
Take your mom to lunch, yes!
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You better call your momma and ask her if thatās what she wants too. That sucks. Sorry to hear that. I wish my oldest would come visit me more often. I love my kids no matter how old they are.
Kind of weird that he doesnāt want you to say anything to your mom. Iād personally bring it up to her, casually and non threatening. But maybe just go over once a week. I understand not feeling safe but they may want time to themselves too.
Talk to your mom. Iām at my moms ALL the time. I do help with my younger siblings though but Iām sure me and my two littles get to be a lot. But sheās your mother and Iām sure youāre always welcomed. That sounds like more of a steodad issue and less your mom.
Just gonna say it really depends on the family dynamic. A family with a history of sudden loss will be different than one that isnāt. My dad passed very suddenly as did both my maternal grandparents and paternal grandmother. My family would never say weāre talking/coming over too much because we value that time. But I could see why theyd want a break. They set their boundaries, but they canāt complain when you set yours. Get your kid into some fun classes, join a stay at home mom group, and plan for adventures with just you and your child.
My mum said this about myself and my daughter and since then I havenāt returned at all. She isnāt coming to my house either. I wonāt be treated as a burden by my own family. Iām a single mum no support but Iād rather that, than burden my own family. They can f**k themselves, just my opinion 
If I was your mom, Iād want you to come to me. Thatās what I want from my adult children. Iām single, however if I was remarried and something like this was said by my spouse, Iād want to know. I have a great relationship with my children and encourage them to come to me.
I think she should speak with her mother directly and determine if this is how she feels as well. My child will be welcome at my house regardless of the day, time, weather, whatever and there is no man that would make that decision for me. If I had plans for a certain day I would let said child know ahead of time. And if a man told my child this without my consent, he would have A LOT of alone time elsewhere 
Donāt understand- Love seeing my Grown Children anytime they want to come over- Everyday or all Day, twice on Sunday if they want.-Day or night- And if they bring my Grandchildren thatās an added bonus.
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Definitely have a conversation with your mom and ask her how does she feel? Tell her what her husband said! Hope it all works out!
They may want their own space and may think its too much. Talk to your mom about it. Personally my parents are finally empty nesters and tell me to come and go as I please since that will always be my home. Hell they get mad that I dont use my key to just enter the house especially if they are being lazy and dont feel like getting up lol
You should talk to your mom about it, he has no right to speak for her. Howeverā¦as an observer is it possible she might be overwhelmed watching her grandchild so much. She might be feeling like she has to do it and is getting burned out.
Sorry you are in an unsafe positionā¦might want to try and fix that. Good luck.
This is heartbreaking. I am super close to my Mother and go to her place 2-3 times. She would never ever say something like this to any of her children. Nor would I!
Im so sorry you are going through this.
I have 3 kids. Of which 2 are still in the house. One on school and the other one working. My eldest lives in a seperate entrance on my property. With her husband and 3 children. Believe me when I tell youā¦I wouldnāt want it any other way. I absolutely love still having them around me eventhough theyāre grown amd have tbeir own lives. I will probably go nuts if they should move as their dad and I have been divorced for 10 years. Itās only me and them here. If I was youā¦I would ask my mom about your stepdad said. She is after all your mom.
I would certainly say something to your mom. 1. Why would he say ādonāt say anything to your momā? That to me, would make me think she doesnāt know about his gross behavior. 2. You have always had a rocky relationship with your step dad. That to me makes me think he was/is threatened by his wifeās previous relationship children. 3. Is your sister, his biological child? Why would they think itās ok to allow one child to come over and not the other. I would definitely be vocal about all of this and if at the end, it turns out, both parents are feeling this way, I would excuse myself for a while and let them think about how they treated me with no contact whatsoever.
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I canāt imagine my mom not wanting me to visit a couple times a week. I would definitely talk to your mom
I think you should talk to your mom. It will open a door for your mom if she is feeling a certain way she will feel like she can talk to you instead of your step dad relaying a message. If there is no message from your mom then that is between them and they should talk about you coming over. Itās your mother. She knows you best. Talk to her.
As a great Nan, who absolutely adores my family, and always have had their backs & have gone the extra mile for them with pleasure,
Iām surprised to find myself how stressed I get to cook large meals, & also to baby sit for long periods of time & Iām no longer tolerant of entitled children having constant paddies. Its called transitioning into old age. Have you thought about you cooking an evening meal for your family once a week at your home & inviting them around?
Perhaps invite your SIL to your place for lunch. Join some pre school activities & you will soon be so busy. Phone your parents & see if itās Ok to pop around for pm tea, take some baking etc. Understand that your parents are aging & life for them is changing. Iām sure they love you dearly, & you just need to understand that. I donāt think you should be expecting them to help you shiftā¦help to pack lighter things eg linen etc, but have the grace by not expecting them to carry furniture etc
I agree with the majority of the ppl, ask your mom out for lunch and have a heart to heart talk with her. Iām betting she doesnāt know anything about what your stepdad has said. Good luck, life is too short
Maybe you can think of it like this. With them watching your sisterās kid and you i imagine bringing yoursā¦maybe its just a matter of them needed alone time as married couple
I have a step father who I have respect for but we have never had a father daughter relationship so if this was me I would talk to my mother about it. I always speak up in my family to make sure their is no misunderstanding.
You are an adult, just straight ask your mom about it. I needed gas money the other day and I was embarrassed to even think of asking my mom if she could help me out but my other option was possibly being stuck somewhere so I asked her for 20 bucks, she knows my husband works full time but sometimes we need a little help. Just ask her.
Iām a parent, Iām a step parent, Iām a daughter, and a step daughter and I would say it is not your step dads place to relay that to you. Talk to your mom because she is the only one who can tell you whatās really going on here and if she really is the one feeling like she needs space or she just wants space because her husband complains or whatever the situation is, she would be able to explain that to you better than him.
People get weird you learn to live your own life with your own family and occasionally visit it works better lol I personally wouldnāt do that with my own children as I belive my house will be a safe haven for my adult children to come back to BUT I also refuse to have kids who need my last bit of help with everything they also need to be adults and learn to help themselves I am hoping I equip them with good life skills to be independent I will be there to help but I will not be a āgive you everything and you do nothingā kind of parent either if anyone gets what Iām saying
People are allowed to set boundaries and not want visitors, yes, even our parents. Iād suggest you donāt take it personally. They are allowed to not want visitors. Are you in therapy? It sounds like you would greatly benefit
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I feel you one day my mom told my sister to tell me not to come too often bc my kiddos make messes. Now that Iām working my mom misses me lol. I was super hurt at the beginning but I understood my mom. Your mom just needs space thatās all 
I think if it were me Iād talk to my Mom about it and say the reasons you like to go over, youāre bored and nervous in your place when your husband is away and you like to spend time with her but that you donāt want to impose. Then see what she says but maybe cut your visits a bit, maybe 3 days a week for a couple of hours. Or get a volunteer job outside your home and that way you can help someone in need. Lots of places need volunteers; Hospital auxiliary stores etc etc.
I was the same for a short time, after I had my little one Iād be down there pretty much everyday, I donāt think itās personal it may just be that your mum and dad want a day to themselves to have a break and go out and do something together etc. Maybe speak to your mum and ask her when she would prefer, even if itās every other day or a few times a week, that way you can still see them but they also get those days to themselves too x
I really see this both ways. If she goes over every single day as a grown adult with a husband and children, I think itās a bit much. But on the other hand, he could have worded it differently and her mom could have been honest and up front from the beginning too about how she feels. As a mom, Iād never be upset that my son wanted to spend so much time with me, but once youāre grown and have your own family I think thatās when they should be focused on their family and futures/careers or whatever. We are on borrowed time with our kids and that cord has to be cut at some point in time during adulthood. Iāll always want my son to come around often, but every single day when he is grown and has kids may not be whatās best for every party
Fuck that my mother would never tell me I come over too much! In fact my mother was so upset when I moved 30 minutes away because she thought i wouldnāt come by as much. I would be so broken if she ever said that. If I were you just talk to your mom especially if you donāt have the best relationship with your step dad.
Iād talk to your mom I mean unless it actually comes from her mouth I wouldnāt by it.
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So it could be one of two things. It could be him controlling or it could be that sheās overwhelmed with things and heās trying to look out for her. I honestly donāt know which but it possibly sounds like the latter. I wouldnāt technically tell your mom but I would just talk to her like normal and see if you think anythingās off and go from there. Just because youāre their kid doesnāt mean you are welcome at their house 24/7. They also need their space. They are married. I love my son to pieces but if he was constantly popping in and out I could get a little annoyed
I understand your feelings, but they need their time too. Donāt go for a while and donāt call, then see if your mom reaches out
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I would ask your mom directly! You just said itās your stepdad and he said not to tell her?! Ummmm NO! Iāll ask my mother anything I feel like grown or not!
I would honestly talk to your mom in private. Itās very weird that he told you not to tell her. Most of the time when ppl say that, they are lying. I mean I would also have a conversation with both about your feelings because I got the vibe that because heās your step dad he just doesnāt want you around since you said they do allot with your sister. Iām really sorry that he said that to you. Itās really crappy. Idk why some parents act like once the kids turn 18 they shouldnāt need help and our want to come over itās so sad
My thoughts are: itās likely not your mom saying it. So Iād casually bring it up to her alone. If it is, then Iām so sorry. This breaks my heart for you.
I would never treat my kids like that nor would my mom treat me and my siblings like that.
I find it kind of strange that he would ask you not to say anything. Even more snarky that there are children in their care at times and they or he doesnāt want anyone else around. I would definitely question your sibling if the kids are acting any different after being there.
And absolutely talk to your mom about it.
When someone says donāt tell so and so, itās usually a lie. People who are abusive and use triangulation to blame others use it often. Ask your mom how often she would prefer to see you. She will either know why youāre asking or she wonāt. Most likely stepdad told mom a lie about you to her.
Talk to your mom. Be prepared for her to possibly say that you visit too much. Itās his house too, not to mention, his wife and their time together. I used to take my two kids to my moms house for breakfast every Sunday. It literally was the best part of the week. Come to find out, she didnāt WANT to cook breakfast on Sunday, nor did she want visitors on Sunday morning. She wanted quiet sleep in with my step dad and have a late breakfast for two. I stopped going years ago, sheās never once asked me to come nor said she misses us coming on Sunday. My kids are now 14 and barely know her at all. Practically strangers. She raised me to not need or ask her for anything.
Iād take them at their word. I wouldnāt call, visit, nothing. No contact at all. If anyone asks why, tell them your parents made it clear youāre not wanted. If itās your parents, tell them youāre just doing as they asked and staying away
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Since you donāt get along could it actually be him that doesnāt want you over there? I would talk to her about it when heās not there, I go to my parents a lot and they encourage me to come over more I could never imagine one of them saying that. Iām sorry he made you feel this way.
Maybe your mom didnāt really say that. I sounds kind of fishy that your stepdad didnāt want you to tell her he said that. Just ask your mom if she has a problem with you coming over. You can just tell her thatās how you feel. Good luck
Thereās a saying āLearn to survive aloneā I feel you though. My parents let both my brother and sister live with them at some point as grown ups but when I found out my ex was cheating and told my mother she said āWell you canāt live here, your sisters already living here.ā Iāve never forgotten that moment. My mother will turn 80 this month and wonders why I donāt talk to herā¦ and my sister is STILL living with her. Be strong baby, move on. Youāll be better off in the end.
I hope my kids come to my house as much as they want when they get older.
I would be gutted if my mom told me to not come over 
I can see if it was every single day but it doesnāt sound excessive.
Iām sorry your going through this. As for me my kids will always be welcomed. I donāt care if they come over everyday. Just cause my kids reach 18 donāt mean Iām
Done being a parentā¦ what is wrong with peopleā¦
5 days a week would be too much for me. I would love to see you and stuff but I also need my time.
Iām a mom and my daughter moved out in December (sheās 19) Iāve seen her about once a month if that since then. I donāt get them not wanting to see you. Iād love to see my daughter everyday.
My partner and I actually had this Convoā¦ even though the kids are still small lol oldest is 9yrs youngest is 1month and so and we have 4 living with usā¦ so my man said once they out of the house THEY OUT LOL meaning he was going to do everything he ever wanted in HIS HOUSE that he paid for for example walk around naked in his house so he said the kids better call give you a heads up if not they going to see a whole lot of balls hanging around lol but either way they better call to give heads up. Heās ready for the kids to move out im not lol Iāll be the mom that will call them asking wtf they havenāt visit anyways yeah talk to your mom then go from there
Okay so your parents house isnāt the place to colour your hair thatās something you should be doing in your own time. And I get it you get bored but maybe heās right and not visit every single day for long periods of time. I get it sheās your mum BUT sheās also got her own life and maybe they just want to spend sometime together without other people. Especially if you go over to do things like dye your hair. But speak to your mum and see what she thinks.
This is my life my mother donāt speak too me since she is too busy babying a 22 year old while raising her 3 kids Iāve begged her for help with babysitting Soo I could work (offered too pay her) she could not be bothered I jokingly asked her too keep my daughter overnight an too my surprise she agreed this will make the 2nd time she has watched her for any amount of time in 2 years all I did was noticed the way we was treated differently an backed off I quit calling I quit texting I quit showing up I lost all interest in being around mainly because of how my daughter was treated Soo much different then the rest of the grandkids who she was buying tablets phones taking them on car rides buying them all kinds of useless crap but rarely shows any type of interest in my daughter since they moved in but I think she may have opened her eyes when I quit dropping everything an running on her command
Thatās sketchy that he asked you not to talk to her.
Go talk to her mom. Tell her about the conversation and let her know itās safe to be honest with you if thatās what she feels. And find out why. Tbh it may be heās projecting his own feelings if your relationship has been so rocky
As a mom I would be totally ok with you coming to me about this. Maybe he is jealous or just being a d*ck. If you feel unsafe where you live a mommaās house is the safest place.
Honestly id tell my mom anyways and ask her if thats how she really feels, to me personally a STEP parent isnt MY parent, and i dont give 1 shit what they gotta day. But if my mom had an issue with seeing me twice a week then i would take it seriously. I say a car works bith ways and so does a phone, if you wanna see me then see me. If you dont like being home cuz you feel unsafe find a class or hobby, maybe volunteer work for twice a week so you have stuff to do
ā¦I hope my kids know later in life that theyāre welcome in my home anytime. I canāt imagine telling my own child not to come to my houseā¦ thatās so strange to me.
Talk with mom, however donāt put dad under the bus. Just state, you enjoy coming over, however if its too much to let you know. Can you invite them to your house periodically. Deep breathe and remind yourself its coming from a place of love. Hugs.
WOW!! My mum and dad would NEVER say I was spending too much time at their houseā¦How sadā¦ I hope when my kids grow up, they visit all the time, and my door is ALWAYS openā:blue_heart:
These comments are sad. Glad my kids know when they are grown they are welcome to come see me any time all the time and they would no time limit at my house. Hell they have a home with me long as their living if they want to live with me forever so be it.
Talk to your mom. I mean as a mom my child will alway be welcome doesnāt matter how old they are or what I have going on 
I go to my moms a lot whether is for a few second or a couple hours, I donāt even have to call ya know. If she aināt there well thatās my fault for not first calling but my mom would never not want her kids around .
If it were me, I would of went straight to my mom with it. Likeā¦if there is a problem, yall need to talk. I hope it gets worked out.
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Oh my gosh that is terrible. I live right next door to my mom and times that I didnt live so close. I am/was always welcomed. No matter how many times I vist or however long I stayed. I cant imagine a mom getting burnt out on her child just two days a week. Sounds like step dad doesnt want you there.
You said you wanted to go over and color your hair. Who watches the kids when you are doing that. Maybe they just feel tied to their home if your there all day. Maybe they have plans that they canāt attend because your visiting. Do you stay more than an hour? Try finding a play date group and see if they get a little alone time if things get better. Itās ok to want to be alone sometimes and have quiet time.
Iād straight up ask my mom if it was true. That whole " Donāt tell your mom " bullshit would have me super suspicious!!! The only way youāll know the truth is if you ask her. If thatās the case go find you a hobby!!!
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Iād do exactly what your stepdad told you to , then when your mom asks why you havenāt been around , Iād tell her why & what was said . That was a real dick move of your stepdad & it shouldnāt be let go & kept a secret!!!
Talk about it with your mom and see if she feels like your at her house to much.
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I think itās weird you go to your parents house every day lol . I have two kids & my mom is busy we talk on the phone text ect but id tell her to go the hell home if she came to my house every day thatās annoying I like my space 
You are entitled to feel hurt. Sending you love and hugs. Also, I wouldnāt go back there til they invite you. If you have other loved ones or close friends, Neighbors, possibly people who are disabled or elderly, spend time with them. They would probably really appreciate your company.
Definitely talk to your mom. Stepdad had no right to tell you that. It should have come from mom if it was actually a thing.
Maybe you are coming in the day time when they are kid free and they want adult alone time. Kids always cock blocking them for so many years and you show up randomly during the day when they wanna do their thing
This is my relationship with my dad because of my step mom.
Most definitely bring it up to your mom before it strains your relationship with her, and her relationship with your kids
I would speak to her and see what her reason is for feeling like this towards you and not your sister. Maybe you unknowingly did something that irritated her? Youāll never know unless you ask. Then you can fix the issue. Communication is key! Give her some space after having that conversation.
She might not have said it, it might be himā¦Iād never feel that way about my own kids. But they might want privacyā¦ Youāll never know until you ask. Or stay away and see if she calls.
When I decided to become a mother it wasnāt just till the age of 18 it was forever and a day. My doors are always open and my children are always welcome. But you also stated in your post you came by to color your hair could it possibly be the mess you leave behind? My children come and go as they please even grocery shop in my cabinets and I love it. Half my weekly list is items they love, because I know they can use help without asking. But at the same time when my children visit they will do dishes, vaccum and other things that i appreciate just out of love. I will leave out in a rush a come home to a spotlight house. I love my babies and would never refuse one additional minute with them, because tomorrow isnāt promised to any of us. Iām quite sure you mother enjoys your visit but at the same time always remember to return free tokens of love. Privacy may be a factor, but my children know me so well, they will be like oh okay weāre leaving you guys are starting that mushy stuff. My children are my best friends, Iāve always taught them if you dont have anyone else in this world, you will always have me and nothing and noone will ever come before them. So talk to her about it.
I mean this is gonna sound bad but parents are entitled to want to break when theyāre grown adult children. They did their part they raised you itās not unfair for a parent to want their own solitude. I love my parents but I wouldnāt force them to see my face every single day either theyāre in their own house and their own safe space and if me be there everyday became taxing I would understand you canāt force someone to be uncomfortable in their own home thatās not fair. Just like how adult kids donāt want their parents over at their house or theyāre in laws all the time itās not fair to make someone uncomfortable. if you are bored and your husband is working all day find a hobby, volunteer, or find a job.
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Ask them for helpā¦and remember he is ur step dad he will play favoritesā¦u need to volunteer ur time or find a part time jobā¦
You may find if you speak to your mum itās not going to cause all the anxiety of knowing without her knowing you know, I would definitely speak to your mom as a mother she should be upset if she knew you were feeling like this
Talk to your mom. Maybe they are trying to have romantic time and donāt want you there. Do they know you feel unsafe at your home? Also I wish op had included an age. They sound very young and/or potentially bitter to their sibling.