I would say something. My mom took care of my grandma for years, so I know how it feels. They have no idea what it’s like to totally devote your life to caring for a loved one, then to make him feel even worse??? No, that’s not okay when they didn’t even lift a finger to help. I would wait until after she’s buried, but I would say something since your brother is in a sensitive state and needs your help
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Should I call my sister out?
I would stand up for him and let him know you are there for him
Call her out your brother probably would appreciate knowing someone had his back considering your concerns for him and his health he deserves to know somebody saw the effort he put in to take good care of your mom I honestly hope one of my kids loves me that much
Definitely definitely definitely say something to them.
I’m kinda in the same situation. Call them out!!! Shame on them
Sometimes people need to hear how they’re behavior impacted/impact others. My deepest condolences to you and your family. You’re grieving right now and so is everyone. Your brother deserves to be protected, and your sister needs to be addressed and asked not to be running her family down. Publicly show your brother appreciation for doing the labor intensive work and offer support to him when he finds himself. His transition back to work will be a process because he is no longer a caregiver and he has to find himself.Public affection amd appreciation may be all thats needed to shut the negativity down.
Yes call her out. Stick up for him.
Your sister sounds like she’s projecting her insecurities on to your brother.( maybe she’s mad she couldn’t be as selfless as him) Making him out to be useless when he did the most selfless thing. It takes a lot to put your life on hold to care for a loved one. I’m sure she knows his sacrifices but I’d definitely say something and remind her.
Call her out, she did nothing for ur Mom and has the nerve to judge those that did, she needs a reality check
Stand up for your brother. Let him know how grateful you are for the help and love he gave to your mother.
Id stand up for him your little brother needs to feel hes got someone. Unless your in his shoes you have no idea how hard its to care for a family member
Definitely call them out!!!
Stand up for him, maybe it will help him to move on too knowing he did nothing wrong
I’m so sorry for your loss
Same situation but with my grandma. I took care of her and was raising a child. You need to stick up for your brother. Tell your older siblings to stfu.
Shame on them… I bet your Momma appreciated her son and knew the real deal! Let it flow and let them know, girl! I’m very sorry for your loss and extra heartbreaks…
Yes call her out. Caregiving for an ailing loved one is a full time and thankless job….and if your siblings were around enough then they would’ve seen how much help your mom needed. You didn’t say they weren’t around but if they were, how would they not see the need? Your brother should be able to go to sleep at night knowing he did the right thing, and not feel worthless. I’m sorry for your loss
Be your brother’s voice. Let him know you’re on his side. He really needs that right now.
Call them out 100% you need to stand up for your brother! If nothing else do it for your mom! I care full time for my parents, it’s hard, draining emotional and physically on the caretaker.
I’m sorry for your loss. Just a suggestion if your brother is still young, he could get a job and try to meet people, find somebody to be with and start a family.
Yes! Please call her out! That isn’t right at all for her to bad mouth him. She needs to be put in her place and he needs to be thanked and honored for giving up any dreams he may have had for his life to take care of her. I was my mommas caregiver, I had absolutely no life during that time. And I don’t regret a second of it would do it a million times over, but literally he gave up any dreams he had for himself to make sure she was good and that’s awesome
This is a hard situation. Feelings are all high. I do agree something needs to be said but not now. There are a lot of things to be sorted still. Respectfully, your mom wouldn’t want drama at her funeral.
My family had a very similar situation. It all came out when sorting through belongings, they had entire house because both grandparents had died at that point. Trust me this is not the drama you want out and to be dealing with right now.
Call her out and support him emotionally by reassuring him. I dropped out of school to take care of my mother. I did it for 16 years before she passed last year. Your brother took a position on that isn’t easy and he deserves to know he did his best! It gets a little better over time, but, there’s always that nagging in the back of your head like you could’ve done better. He will need someone to help him keep that at bay.
Maybe have a word with them separate so not to cause a huge drama at this time but definitely stand up for your brother! Also let your brother know how much you appreciate what he has done and is still doing tell him you are there for him too good luck
Those older siblings should be ashamed of themselves!!!
The young brother should get a trophy for all he’s done for mom.
Yes! You call that out. While your sister was only caring about herself he was taking care of your mother. He helped out and gave up a lot of his life and time to do that while she didn’t do anything for anyone, let alone her mother that needed the help. I have no doubt she loved and appreciated all he did for her, be his voice if he isn’t speaking out. Hurt her feelings if you have to. Don’t let him carry guilt or feel like he was wrong for choosing what he did.
Stand up for your brother. Don’t let your siblings bully him. He did something they could never do and he has memories that will stay with him with his precious time with his mom that they never got. That’s on them. Be the big sis that roots for her brother.
I felt this. My dad wasnt around much of mine, or my siblings lives. I contacted him when I was about 17 and begged him to come back and be apart of our lives, my siblings weren’t as comfort as I was to have him back. My oldest sibling (I completely cut her off from mine and my children’s lives) allowed my dad to stay with her and her daughter in a old trailer, it wasn’t the greatest of places but it was a roof over there heads.
My dad was very sick from drug and drinking his entire life, with that being said I took the initiative to take care of my dad. Doctor appointments, hospital visits, etc.
I was literally the only child that seemed to have cared about him and his well being. So my oldest sibling kicked my dad out of her house for eating a tomato, he ended up moving back to where he lived and I still to this day, cannot forgive her for what she did.
I agree, you should stand up for your brother!
I’m sorry you’re even having to contemplate this. My answer is yes. She needs to be put in her place and your Dad should be present when you do so. Given your brothers current mental state, he shouldn’t be subjected to such hate from his own family. This could also be jealousy on your sister’s part so don’t be surprised if she attacks you with words. If she wants to voice her opinions about the path your parents and brother chose then she should listen to why and how it was a choice made by all parties.
Yes love you stand up for your brother you should both be very proud of looking after your mum especially your brother x and I’m very sorry for you loss .your brother sounds like a loving very caring young man please show his this so he can see we are proud of you both xx
Definitely stand up for your brother sounds like she has regrets. Don’t allow her to make you two’s little brother some kind of way. He took care of yalls mother she could have but chose not to.
Wait until her affairs are handled and she’s buried
Absolutely call them out. Your brother put your moms needs before his. Admirable and most definitely not a worthless person. I would be proud to have him as a son, brother or friend…shame on those that don’t see the selfless sacrifice he has made.
I think time and separation will be best. Everyone’s feelings are in a knot and maybe take your little brother in and show him how to live for himself one day at a time. He needs family to support him now.
They say raising a child is the most important job you can have as a mom. If I fell ill and my son put his life on hold to take care of me….well that is life full circle. Take care of those you love and most certainly took care of you. What a privilege.
As someone who put her life on hold to take care of others, while my sister was never there. My parents both got sick and died back to back. We moved my mom in with us after my dad passed. She was bedridden in a nursing home before we moved her in. I don’t have regrets at all. I have spent so much time being a caretaker that once I was not depended on I had no idea what to do with myself. It’s been 2 years this week since my mom passed. I am just now figuring out how to just be myself. I would sit down and add up how much it would cost for in an in home nurse and explain how much him being there gave everyone else freedom to live their life(my husband and friends did this) . My mom was obese and bedridden. I changed every diaper and gave her all her meds. Fed her, cleaned her, and took care of every want or need. What your brother did is priceless. My sister ( we are not close) is just starting to realize how much I did.
If it were me, I would hold my Tongue for now. I would Stand by and support my Brother. I would discuss this with my Sister at a later time. God Bless.
I feel like you can write something to read at her funeral, not calling them out, just including your gratitude to your baby brother for postponing his life to physically be there and take care of mom. Giving her the best care he possibly could and how mom would be thanking him for his care and allowing her to go on her terms. Actually thank you isn’t really enough which is exactly what I told my sister. Please keep telling your brother not to second guess any of his care decisions. Urge him to get grief counseling (therapy) make an appointment for yourself and ask him to come help you. I fully understand your anger. Don’t waste time right now on calling them out. Go to therapy with your brother heal and get stronger. Then if telling them how it really was is needed for your healing process do that . Praying for you just lost my momma August 2021. Love my sister so much for the daily care of my mom. Her strokes made her not have a filter and she could truly hurt your heart and not understand that she did it and why you are hurt. My sister was a blessing and I know your baby brother was such a blessing to you and your mom. Praying for healing 🩹 for you and your brother, therapy will help, they are trained to help you heal. Hugs and love. What saves me is knowing when I see my mom again in Heaven it will be for eternity. So thankful she is at peace now.
Prayers for your brother
I sacrificed my dreams to take care of my dad and my mom. I did work the entire time though. Once she passed it was too late for me to get married and have a family or get a post grad degree. I would do it again though. All to say - Your brother rocks and your sister is a real piece of work. Let her have it with both barrels. PS I’m sorry for your loss - losing a mom is so very hard.
I wouldn’t call her out.
But make sure to mention the years of Dedication and service your brother gave while mom was sick sacrificing how are education and work 24/ 7. So all the other siblings didn’t have to help unless they wanted to. Thank you for doing the work load for all of us that truthfully shroud have been spilt you are an amazing son and the best sibling a sister could as for.
With all my love-
I don’t know your older siblings but I can’t stand them already.
Stand up for him. I took care of my mother for 10 years straight and my brother took care of her for a few years on his own. Your siblings have no idea what it’s like to be devoted to family and they should be ashamed of themselves.
Yes call Them out and get him away from them…. Love him X3 and Get him some help also
That’s rough. Because they also lost a mother. I really don’t think it would be a good time to stir the pot. Offer support to your brother and let him know very clearly that YOU have seen what he has done for your mom. Unless they come at him with drama, I would leave it be for now. People say cruel things when they are hurting and this could cause more problems than it would help.
Do not tell your sister off. Spend your energy telling your brother what a great job he did taking care of your mom and how you have appreciates his commitment to her. He will have a special place in heaven for honoring his parent. Then let him know its ok to move on without guilt and build a life for himself. The best revenge for your sister’s mouth is for him to succeed. Love on him and your dad as they are going to need it and keep your sister far away from them until she settles down.
Yes definitely say something in private to her as your brother gave up a lot to look after his mum when all the other siblings carried on with their lives, also try to support your brother now as he may be struggling alot right now, give him to seek some help and maybe go along with him for moral support
Your siblings most likely feel guilty and people often act oddly when they are walking through grief. Do whatever you can to lift your brother up during this time and reinforce that he is a man of great honor and character.
Absolutely say something to them. I wouldn’t spare their feelings because they aren’t considering his by running their mouth are they?
Write something and speak at her funeral. Thanking him for all he has done. Put it out there for everyone
I would light it UP!!! Im sorry, I come from the same kind of family. Light their asses up!
Wait till after the funeral but speak up it’s not like he was bumming off of them and not doing anything he was doing what children are supposed to do !
Absolutely say what a great brother you have and how you appreciate how he cared for your mom!!!
Me personally, I would call her out, but only after the funeral was taken care of and things had settled down a little. Everything is still so fresh right now and would only make things worse for all. For now, comfort your brother and support him, and make sure for the eulogy that you stand up and let everyone know how much he sacrificed for you all and thank him for his selfless dedication. I would also try to get him into therapy because it sounds like it’s all taken a huge toll on him over the years. He needs to know he’s loved and that you’re extremely proud of him and that without him and his help that things would’ve been so much harder and difficult for all. Include your dad in that because even though he’s a workaholic, he had to do the best he could to financially support all, and could be his only way he knew how to cope with having a sick wife. But don’t let the other sister bully him or anyone else either. I’m sure she’s hurting in her own way, but what she’s doing isn’t helping anyone and is only hurting your brother and the entire family, and she just needs to sit down and get herself some therapy too, because it sounds like it’s jealousy and guilt coming from her, and that’s not your brother’s fault, but she needs to deal with those things and they definitely need to be addressed with her.
So sorry for your family’s loss, and hope your brother and dad make a full recovery. Covid is such a brutal and devastating virus and can leave people struggling with their physical, mental, and emotional health long after the virus is gone from their body too. So please make sure your brother and dad are taking care of themselves and eating well too, especially if they have any lingering issues from Covid. So sorry you’re all going through this. Sending prayers and positive light to you all for peace comfort, and strength.
My husband took care of his mom before she died and I am so proud of him, as you should be of your brother. Lift him up in prayer and let him know how proud you are. Then help him to get the training he needs for a job he would like to do.
If you had something to say you should’ve said it previously, why wait til your mom passed. Why didn’t you stand up for him all those times she talked trash about him.
Wait until after the funeral but during the funeral maybe say something for your brother to give him credit for his commitment to taking care of your mother. After the funeral have a discussion with your sister, but be careful with choice of words, ect as ylu cannot take them back!
Your brother is awesome not many people put their parents first. What your other siblings are saying is their own grief and guilt. Please tell your brother to ignore them and yes call your sister out but not right now let some time pass give time to grieve. When you call her or talk to her privately in a kind and caring way let her know lashing out hurting your brother will not make her pain go away it will just cause more pain in the long run.
You can stand up for your brother without calling them out… but I definitely would stand up for him
I would absolutely call her out. Put her and the your other siblings in their place and make to make a dedication to him for being the only one to make the sacrifice and commitment of taking care of your mother and how much you love and appreciate him for that and encourage him to move forward with his life as I’m sure your mother would have wanted that
It’s obvious your siblings need to grow up and show some respect towards your lil bro. After all he did take care of your mother.
Acknowledge his efforts at the funeral, but call them out afterwards in private. So sorry for your loss.
Life is to short to hold grudges ,Make peace if possible and move on with your life. Jesus would want us to all be peace makers . The Lords eyes go to and fro over all the Earth watching the Good and the Evil .Blessed are the Peace Makers !!!
Say your say and then just let it go. Love him and thank him
I went through this with my whole family. They all wanted mom to take care of them but when she needed them they were all suddenly too busy to help her. I did it for years raising two children. Lost bfs, jobs, at a time I even lost myself.
My older brother did it for only a couple months. My older sister never did help! I did most of it myself. It’s rough on a person. Yes call them out because a person putting their life on hold to care for a parent is golden in my eyes! Our parents took care of us it’s only right they get taken care of also by us! I always promised my mom I would take care of her and never throw her in a nursing home and that’s exactly what I did.
First, I am so sorry for your loss. I am saddened for you, that in this moment your having to be the glue that holds your siblings together. Instead of, being allowed to feel and go through your own moment of grieving the loss of your mother. Which is due to your sister, who is probably dealing with her own personal feelings of guilt and inadequacy for her lack of help in caring for your mother. Projecting her emotions on others who did so they feel the way she does.
Second, your brother sounds like an amazing person. He also, sounds like he has all the skills and years of experience to work in a retirement home. Or, be an in home care giver for other families that would absolutely know his worth and value! He should definitely look into that! Maybe help him to know his worth in that way and promote positivity for him. He sounds like an amazing person who gave all of his time and life, caring for your mother. He will surely feel a void in this way and an unknowing of what comes next. He may need constant reassurance for awhile that he is not lost, or worthless now that his “life’s work,” thus far, is over.
I was in your brothers position. My family made me out to be some kind of demon. I gave up my life for my mother. I saved my mom’s life numerous occasions. My aunt very loudly exclaimed that I tried to kill my mom at least twice. It tore me apart & made me very resentful of my decision to take care of my mom. I tried to kill myself the night my mom died & a few times after because of things they/mostly 1 person in particular said to or about me. Nobody understands the emotional strain of taking care of a parent until they do it. PLEASE tell your siblings off. Do it publicly so they can be embarrassed & feel shame. Your brother needs you & will for awhile. Loosing a parent is hard but it’s worse when it was your job to take care of them.
I would tell them off so fast! Went through the same thing with my mother inlaw. I took care of her and her daughter didn’t work or do anything to help.
Say something at the funeral about your brother, and afterwards, say something after a few days personally to her.
I would talk to your siblings about what they are doing and how much it’s hurting him. If they won’t talk as a group get a counselor to talk to them all
Definitely call them out. He doesn’t deserve that
I’m so sorry you are going through all this…hope your family all heals from covid…your brother is a Hero!!! Don’t let him forget it
I’m so sorry for you loss. But I commend your brother for stepping in. Not many males would. Let him catch his breath then look for a job right there are so many openings.
As for your siblings…If they make comments, that’s the time to call them out. Dont push it under the rug…it will eat at you. And dont feel guilty for it
I’m so sorry for your loss. To answer your question, Yes. Stand up for him. Stand up for him because he can’t find the courage to do it himself. Stand up for him because you’re afraid he may hurt himself and YOU could prevent that from happening by being a voice when he can’t find his own. Show him he is appreciated and what he has done is noticed. Because it hurts so bad when you dedicate so much of yourself and no one seems to appreciate it. You speaking up could save him. Tell him he’s valuable and tell him he’s a great person and stand up to the bullies in your family.
Kudos to your brother for doing his best to care for his mother and tell your siblings now how you feel so maybe by the time of the funeral they will have a better attitude stop Downing your brother
First off…I am terribly sorry for your and your family’s loss. That being said, when something is said about your brother let them have it!! Stepping up to take care of a sick parent is one of the greatest things someone can do & people have no idea the sacrifice it takes to do that. I’d venture to say that your other siblings are saying things because they feel bad for not doing more. One of my sisters in law was like that with me after my MIL passed. We live in FL and so did my MIL, said SIL lived in NY and hadn’t seen her mom or talked to her in years…let alone done anything for her. She took her frustrations with herself out on me. I didn’t stand for it and let her know really quickly. It sucks that during such a hard time, you’ve got to deal with this BUT you standing up for him and speaking the truth will help him through this tough time…it’ll help him more than you or he could ever know.
I would wait and then talk to your sister after and tell her how you feel instead of bad-mouthing her brother why didn’t she intervene and help him
Oh, lol I’d air out that load of laundry SOOO fast and let the chips fall where they may. Stand up for him. He’s your brother and it’s obvious you can see and appreciate what he sacrificed and what extra time he gave your mother. The fact that your other siblings weren’t aware that he was taking care of her full time?? Not to mention, your dad working probably helped him as well. Being able to work allowed him to take his mind off of the painful reality that was your mom being sick. Can’t imagine watching the one you married and love sick and having to be cared for full time. Ugh. I’m so sorry you’re going through all of this
I’m so sorry for your loss! All too often death brings out the worst in people. Your brother is a good man to be by your Mom’s side and to be her caregiver. Your sister will harbor guilt and lash out, that’s about her, not your brother! I praise you for wanting to defend your brother, but you know, he knows, your Mom knew who took care of her! A Mom’s last wish is that her children get along and help each other through grief. I wish you and your family peace & comfort!
what an amazing brother to do this take care of his mumma. yes stick up fr him someone needs to x
I would call them out. Kinda the same thing happened to me. But I was working,married and had a Family to take care of. My oldest brother who was at my moms house all
The time like practically lived there. He didn’t do anything. Wouldnt change my mom, wouldn’t bathe her etc. he just sat around and watched TV. He would call me when my mom
Needed something. Would even expect me to leave my job and run to my moms house to take care of her. When my passed he didn’t even do any of the arrangements for her. I did it all. And then tried to say I was too busy to help. I called him out when be was talking with some family friends and was saying he did everything and I did nothing. His attitude changed real
Sorry for your loss! As your mother hasn’t been buried yet I would wait to bring it up. Although if you catch another sibling in the act of bad mouthing or judging your mother I would put an end to it right then and there as to now isn’t the time speech and as a family pulling together support your brother and dad’s recovery from Covid. If they can’t be mature enough to wait, the only other alternative I am thinking of is a meeting with just you and other siblings, no spouses or children involved. It may be less volition if you met at a restaurant where you can have a corner table to sit and discuss or a church with a meeting room or similar. Be prepared before you meet them with some mathematical statistics.
- The cost of private home care per hour
2 Approximately the amount of hours per day and then multiplied by 365 for total number of hours worked in a year.
- The amount of years times the amount of hours per year for total number of hours
I took care of my mom the last 5 years of her life. She passed from cancer last year. It was the hardest and greatest thing I ever did in my life. You and your brother are incredible for what you have done. Everyone else is despicable if they say anything otherwise. No one and I mean no one knows unless they have done it. Your brother got the ultimate gift and that was the time with your mother…your siblings know that! They just don’t want to admit it! Prayers for you and your brother because your loss will be felt very deeply! I’m very sorry for your heartache!
I am so sorry for your loss. My advice is be there for your brother, let him know you are so proud of him, thank him for taking care of you guy’s mother, and that you love him. I would say something sweet at the funeral to your brother, then the day after the funeral or a few days after, put your siblings in their place. He sacrificed so much in his life to be there and take care of you guy’s mother, and he did it selflessly. Let your other siblings know they did nothing to help take care of her, that it was always you and him, and that it says a lot more about them than anything. Sounds like your siblings need to grow up.
Good for you for realizing the hard work your brother put into caring for your mom and you should absolutely stand up for him and shut your other siblings up.
I worked with seniors until my retirement. I often found that adult children of a senior in need of care can tend to diminish or even resent the siblings that are the primary caregivers. They can have huge opinions when sadly they are only with their parent for a few hours a couple of times a year. My observations have led me to believe they feel guilty for not doing more but it manifests as resentment to the caregivers. It’s a difficult situation for everyone. I applaud the caregiving members, it’s a very stressful & at times emotionally draining job but one you will never ever regret. As for the siblings that aren’t the caregivers I hope they can realize where they’re resentment is coming from, let go of the guilt, & become appreciative of the ones who were able. Not everyone is able or even of the nature to be a caregiver. That’s ok. We all contribute in different ways. I wish your family all the best, & let your brother see these supportive comments. It might help him.
- The amount of years times the amount of hours per year for complete total number of hours your brother cared for your mom
- The total number of complete hours times the pay rate of home care for the total money amount your brother would have earned if he had worked in another household.
- The previous total amount your brother would have been paid equals the total amount of money your brother helped your dad save not having to pay for home care.
End with asking what is the total of their hours of home care for mom and amount of
money they saved dad that he didn’t have to pay for keeping a home together for your mom, brothers and himself.
Your brothers Sacrifice and work is priceless. My concern in recovering from Covid and loss of your brothers daily routine may bring depression. He may need help with counseling or positive support establishing a career. If he was good with your mom maybe he can work in home care with a facility which offers CNA training.
You bet I would have something to say to them all. It isn’t easy to take care of our parents as they are getting older and such. My husband cared for his mother as well and now his father. We wouldn’t trade that for nothing. My brother in-law does nothing. And I know he has talked crap about us too. Screw em. Maybe they are jealous that your baby brother got to spend all that time with her and they did not. Speak your mind. If they get mad, whatever. They will get over it eventually. And btw, so incredibly sorry you lost your dear mother.
I think you should speak up for him when you think it’s a good time . What he did was so sacrificial !
Let her have it girl!
Sorry for your loss but call them all out and ask them when did they take care of mom and then look at little bro and say thank you for giving me x amount of time with mom
Stick up for him and lay into them! That’s what I would do. Prayers♡
Which shows you were the ones looking after her just let them show their respect then let flie later
CALL HER OUT!! Stand up for him!!
What a lovly bloke and so selfless it’s a, shame that other family can’t see that i would def defend him but try leave it until after the funereal and i hope ur brother seeks help to come to terms with things mayve encourage him to take up a hobbie or gym or join him for evening walks so he dosent feel alone familys can be hard work sorry to hear about ur mum
I would most definitely stand up for him
You know what to do, light their asses up and be there for your brother. Bless him
It would be great to have your father, her doctor and/or her pastor publicly thank your brother for all that he did for her. A good time would be at her funeral and/or celebration of life. That should stop their tongues wagging.
Say what You want too ! Life’s too short not to . Good luck and God bless You ;
sorry about your mom but no this isn’t the right time to be petty your mother wouldn’t want her kids fighting support and love eachother