“Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.” This thought has helped me throughout my life.
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First off it is not your fault! Him trying to put blame on you even if it’s indirectly is wrong on his behalf. He is a grown man. He made those decisions because he wanted to. If he was having those feelings he should of told you instead of acting upon them. I know it’s hard for you especially because kids are in the mix. Kids aren’t dumb though. Are you willing to continue accepting the excuses? Are you willing for your kids to catch on and think that’s acceptable between a husband and wife because after all their dad did it and mom was ok with it.
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U deserve a Real man!!
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He has done this not once but now twice. You clearly do not trust him to have to keep going through his phone. Something inside of you is telling you he’s doing wrong for you to need to go through his phone consistently. I personally believe him saying their is voices in his head telling him he’s not good enough is BS. No voices in his head are telling him to send dirty pictures to other females for attention. I have dated someone who always had excuses like you state above, and he never changed. Turns out he was engaged to another women while being with me. Leave for you, and your kids sake. You guys don’t deserve this…
Please learn from my mistakes. I stayed for a lot more affairs and finally had built enough self esteem to know I deserved better. It’s going to happen again. My ex acted like he couldn’t even speak, he was so emotional and overwhelmed and the second I didn’t buy it and dismissed it, he stood right up and walked out. I was played so badly and it still makes me feel sick that after years and years of marriage I had no idea who I was with. So many deceptions. It WILL happen again. It’s just a matter of when.
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He’s gaslighting you. Run.
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Leave him. If he can do that to u after 14 years screw him
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Honestly I would tell him, “You know what I thought about everything that’s been going on. I think with the previous behavior you’ve shown towards me and even the kids, it’s just best you pack your things and leave. I’m sorry it’s come to this but it will be best for all of us, because there’s no tell what will happen in the future… Also I thank you for a great 14 years and two kids but now it’s time you leave.”
It might be hard to tell him anything but no matter what I wouldn’t let him stay because in the back of your mind you may always wonder, “Is he going to do it again? Will he go further and actually cheat? Is there more to those messages, like maybe he sent something and deleted knowing you’d check his phone?” All those things and more could go through your head, if they aren’t already. It’s not healthy for you to continue a relationship like that. Sending it would be best. Do it, if not for you, but the kids.
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Sounds like a narcissist
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If he’s not happy he shouldn’t stay. If you’re not happy you shouldn’t stay. I understand you want your family together but this is not the way to live, especially if children are involved it will affect them as well. And I also understand trying to make it work but if this is still going on, something just isn’t working in the relationship. Don’t keep it going. It sounds like the both of you need to start thinking about just moving on entirely.
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Let him go !! It’s not worth the stress in the back of your mind. Eventually it will lead to cheating physically.
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What has HE DONE to try and keep your family together? It can’t just be you trying to hold it together do you realize that? It’s not going to matter what he says to you if he just turns around and does it again. He can tell you how many times how much he loves you and is still pulling that crap with you. It’s going to be up to you for how long you want to put yourself through this but hopefully one day you realize that you’re worth more than he’s half assed attempting to give you. Trust me honey it’s not worth it. Been there done that.
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I would kick him to the curb ! It’s going to be hard but he made his choice and is now blaming it on an issue because he got caught not once but TWICE ! You and your children deserve better !! He is a grown man and made those choices no matter how it would make you feel .
For your piece of mind and your children you need to leave, he’s just playing mind games with you
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Personally I feel like the hearing voices isn’t true. Leave him. It’s better for your children to grow up between two happy homes instead of one sad one. If he loved you as he says he would’ve never started this shit. And don’t blame yourself for paying attention to your kids. You’re a mother and are obviously picking up his slack too. You’re better than me-id have packed his shit for him
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Answer this. If your daughters husband was doing this to her, not once, not twice but honestly god knows how many times, would you tell her to accept the behaviour and stay with him or would you tell her that she deserves better? Would you like it to happen to your daughter? If the answer is no then why would you accept it for yourself…. Don’t teach your children that it’s ok to be treated badly and stay in a toxic relationship
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Lifes too short kick him into touch leopards come to mind
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I divorced mine for this very reason. Here I was taking care of our family while he was out having an emotional affair including sharing pictures with this woman. She wasn’t the only one either, there were about 20. What’s to say they haven’t had a physical affair as well? His word is no longer trustworthy. You and your children deserve better.
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Kinda seems like an excuse hes making, so you feel bad for him. It’s not going to change if he feels the need to get attention elsewhere. Just because his words say he chooses you doesn’t mean its really the truth by actions. I understand the family part but is it worth staying by his side when he continues to find other women.
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I’m sorry to say this but it sounds like he’s manipulating you! You need to take a step back and look at your life, if a man loves you there’s absolutely no chance of him doing anything with another women even talking. I get this is your children’s father but when it comes to not once but TWICE of catching him being unfaithful it’s not fair to you. Being a single Mother will be hard and leaving him would be the hardest thing you’ve ever had to do but as Mothers we are supposed to love ourselves for our children and keep them from toxic love. You want them to see you both happy and loved growing up so they can to someday love the right way. In my opinion I would of left him definitely after that second incident, it was a choice he made. Cause it wasn’t the 1st but the second. You will always have this in the back of your head and in the long run could ruin your mental health and well being! Now I’m not saying some couple don’t bounce back from this but it’s takes a lot of patience and a lot of forgiveness. How are you gonna know he won’t do it again tho? I couldn’t be with a man I couldn’t 100% trust that’s just me
Honestly, no one knows your relationship or how you feel BUT YOU. Do what you feel is best for you and your family. I get this whole thing… I also think he is to blame. He’s a grown man and is sinking into pressure with anything that comes his way. Trust is key!
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He got caught so now he’s gaslighting to turn things around on you. Been there, done that. Run. Run very fast now so you can start a new life. Don’t wait one more minute. If you do, he will do it over and over again until you’ve wasted many, many years. Don’t stay
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Oh hell. No. You need to leave. He’s playing mind games. He ain’t crazy, he’s just a jerk
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U need to leave him look at all of the stuff he’s done u think its going to get better its going to change no its not and it’s not a healthy marriage
Run! It will happen again. He has progressed and is potty partying as to why he did it.
All I’m going to say to this is she would have only came by my house 1 TIME and she would have never thought about it again
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Too many excuses, we would have been done when he started sending dirty pictures to MULTIPLE people!!!
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Hang in there, if you think you can make it work. Tough on children. God will see a way.
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Woman that show up at someone’s house is not just “emotional cheating”. He gave her the D and she in her feelings
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I kinda think the voices thing is a total get out clause because he has been found out. Every time he is on his phone you will always wonder what he is doing or who is he talking to. I’d get out quick. He done it once (or twice) and a leopard don’t change! X
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He’s feeding you mountains of bullshit. Run…
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Change has to come from him wanting to change, not you wanting him to change. He has to want to change, he has to get healthy and then he has to prove that he’s taking the steps to do so. It’s not overnight and it’s not easy, but true redemption comes from him doing the hard steps.
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To be honest… I feel like if she’s able to just “pop up” at your home… she’s probably been there before maybe while you were away, out running errands, etc… that was a red flag and a BIG boundary that had been crossed. I always been told to never let a man show you he doesn’t love you TWICE. I would leave. I know you love him but this isn’t the greatest on your sanity.
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He’s lying, how did she know where you lived? Look up gaslighting cause that’s all he’s doing. People can change but that doesn’t mean they do.
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Bs he’s having an affair. At first I thought the idiot I was married to had a brain tumor
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READ THIS AS MANY TIMES AS YOU NEED!!! YOU WAS NOT TO BLAME!!. LET ME SAY THAT AGAIN!!! NO MATTER HOW BUSY YOU WAS WITH HIS CHILDREN IT STILL WAS NOT YOUR FAULT!!! To me he is using mental illness to get away with what it sounds like hes been doing for a LONG time!! Honey I get loving him! I honestly do! Had 2 kids with my first husband. He treated us like a door mat. And would play every sort of emotional game to keep me beat down and in love with him. I refer to this as my time of being STUPID IN LOVE!! Honey please for your children he cheated them to he lied to them to! If he can do that repeatedly he dont have enough love for you all and you deserve so much better! God cant give you better till you complete the lesson he is trying to teach you wich is sometimes we have to lay down the thing we love the most to love our selfs better and first!! Teach your children their and your worth! Dont let that man belittle you all in to thinking he deserves better then he has giving you all!! He has clearly very very clearly shown you who he is! Please do not make excuses and DOWN YOUR SELF LIKE YOU DONE ANYTHING WRONG BECAUSE YOU DIDNT!!! You would not have been so caught up in caring for you guys children if he had been being the father and partner he should have. Period! Please know you deserve more!! Please teach your children they deserve better? Is this how you want your sons to treat people or how you want your daughters loved? If not run and dont look back!! You can co-parent but be fully aware he will always try emotional manipulation. Be very careful when sharing kids with this man that he dont use them as emotional pawns to mess with you. I spent years chasing that man who treated us like options trying to make him love and care for our children like he should. Looking back this is one of my biggest mistakes! I wish to god i had let him go. Yes they would hurt and always miss their dad and want that but my children now are old enough to see him for who he is and what he did and how little he cares. If i hadnt forced him to be around maybe they would have just thought anything else but that he just didnt care enough… Cause now we just have to live with that… I pray for you your children and even your man. I pray you and the children get away and find someone togive you the love and lives you deserve! I pray you think long and hard over how youve been treated and over the man he has shown you he is. I pray for nothing but the happiest of futures for you and your family. In jesus name amen.
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Mid life crisis isn’t mental illness. Alot of long term married people go through this sometimes where they get to the point of, is this all I want and get? Problem is acting on those thoughts. He did act on them. She showed up at your house! Had she been there before?
If he said he’d stop fooling around with some girl, then continued to behave like that online he’s probably not going to stop. He’s mad he got caught. He was living it good. Had a wife to care for his home and kid while he was having fun time. Now that’s being messed with. I’d atlest pack my stuff and stay elsewhere till you decide what you really want.
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Leave… Don’t give him a choice. Of course he’s going to tell you he wants you. You make it easy for him to have both worlds. Been there. This is emotional abuse to you. Your kids will be fine. You need a healthy environment for them. Remember they learn what a healthy relationship is from their parents. Your kids aren’t losing their father. He can still be a dad. You deserve a healthy relationship.
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Leave sound like manipulation to me because he got caught up so nows he saying all this stuff to make u feel bad when he was the one doing stuff he shouldn’t have its only going to get worser
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Your husbands excuses sound like bs to my ears. I would walk away wirh what dignity I had left. Sorry
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He sounds full of shit if I’m being honest. Hearing voices or not, that doesn’t make anyone decide to start cheating. Especially when he’s done it once already & got caught. He got no reason to have done it a second time. He’s making excuses he knows is gonna pull at your heart strings & make you feel sorry for him. He should feel sorry for what he did to YOU. You have nothing to be sorry for. Taking care of your kids ahead of him isn’t a reason either. As a FATHER he should want that. If he’s mentally having a problem then he needs to be a MAN & speak up & talk to you, not step out on your & entertain some random females that doesn’t even make sense. My husband does that & thought he’s gonna give me some sad story of what made him he’s gonna realize how heartless I can get cause he won’t be getting that reaction from me. I’d be telling him the voices are right, he ain’t good enough for me to call his girlfriends & go f*ck himself. Ain’t no way I’m gonna blame myself. There’s plenty of times where I’m sure he wasn’t exactly there for you such as recently from what it sounds like & I didn’t see you start hitting up other men for attention. There’s never a good excuse or reason to be cheating. Period.
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No, you are not an idiot for wanting your family together. And you also gave him the option and a last chance. Make sure you follow through with it if it happens again. Itd be best to leave now but it’s up to you ofc
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NO, you aren’t wrong. I went through a similar situation and I made him leave. We separated for 8 months to figure out what we both wanted and now we are stronger. Very open communication. You gotta do what you gotta do.
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Don’t take the blame for this ok. You’ve been the one to reach out and work hard at it. He is lying and will continue with every chance you give him. You sound like an amazing person and I hope you move on because you deserve something much better and so do your kids. Hugs!
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Maybe separate for a while and let him work on himsef if he really wants to. Your trust is probably broken so I’m sure anything you see him on his phone you will wonder what he is doing. I also recommend marital counseling for both of you together to see if this can be fixed. It will take work on both parts but he has to show the desire to make it work. But clearly he isnt happy if hes doing this with multiple women behind your back. I know it’s a tough situation especially with kids involved.
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First of all, YOU are NEVER EVER EVER to blame for your husband’s disrespect towards your marriage/cheating EVER!!!
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You were busy raising his (and yours) children, being a MOM and a WIFE. His excuse is so invalid, he’s pathetic and he’s being a baby. Leave him, divorce him, take everything and leave him to his petty little girlfriend and dirty groups. Men always break down and cry, then continue to do the same shit they were doing before because you got comfortable and stopped asking questions. There is an amazing, respectful, loyal husband out there for you.
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that is the worst excuse for messaging women that i’ve ever heard. i’m sorry. but that is pure manipulation. trying to justify what’s he’s doing by saying that. he’s just going to keep doing it regardless.
You’re way too forgiving of these very strange infidelities & to me this is a pattern forming rather than a few mistakes during a mental health episode. However, I understand trying time & time again to keep your family together. If you ever have both the motivation AND means to do so- leave. Kids will understand eventually. You don’t deserve to be on the back burner.
Respect yourself so your kids will respect you
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Leave his ass my ex did this to me was messaging multiple womwn.
Do what you wanna do. But just know. That behavior?? That behavior specifically?? That never fucking changes lol. In every experience with it I’ve had, it never ever improves. It doesn’t matter what his shitty excuse is.
Good luck. Either get used to it OR get the fuck outta there.
Out the door mr. he will NEVER change and you will be a better mom to your children
Are you an idiot for trying to keep your family together, no, it’s human instinct to want connections and to try and hold onto said connections. It’s difficult to let go of the picture we have in our minds of how our lives are supposed to be, how we envisioned it. Unfortunately, you’re the one being repeatedly hurt by his behavior, which also affects the children. At some point you have to decide whether or not you want to continue to be hurt. Your husband is showing you who he is through what has become a pattern of behavior. We need to believe people when they show us who they are.
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Hearing voices, lol… one of the most hilarious excuses I’ve heard yet 
Save everything you have and see a lawyer.
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He’s manipulating you. Only tears when caught? The voice in my head told me to send dick picks? Pfft bye.
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He,s the idiot, probably won’t make a permanent change, you deserve better…
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Could he have bipolar. What he is doing is a common sign of a manic episode
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Sorry excuses excuses. Hearing voices yeah ok that’s a new one lol. Don’t listen to his excuses anymore.
And you really tried it sounds and you’ve given him several chances to repair.
He is “showing you who he is.” And you’ve been duped all along. I’m sorry dear! But life can be better, time to put your big girl panties on 
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I smell bullshit. Im sorry you’re going through this 
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Manipulative narcissists always play a victim somehow.
He took away from your feelings of hurt , Minimized it and made it about himself. So effed up
So nudes make him feel better? Awww poor baby.
And u wna partly blame yourself for giving him the The ultimatum? See, it is working his manipulation is working and you’re feeling guilty.
You’re not an idiot, in any way shape or form, for anything.
We all have a picture in our minds of the perfect family and wanting to be a family, but sometimes it just isn’t in the plans.
I’m not going to tell you what to do, I don’t believe in that, just ask yourself if you want to live this way for the rest of your life? I was checking his phone, always wondering, always being worried
Only YOU can make that life decision.
Your kids are watching. They learn from example and observation.
I wish u all of the best.
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I’m sorry… voices?! Gtfoh! Cover up!!! I’m just as bad though. I do it again and again and again! The difference, I let go. I’m done with the hurt. There will be no more hurt! I have 4 more years and I’m out! Our kids will be grown. I wish you the best. Men are a whole other kind!
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He will keep doing it while you keep tolerating it
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What you put up with is what you end up with. I’m so sorry.
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Girl you are NOT to blame.
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You totally are a beautiful human, you are kind, you are caring, you have empathy.
Please put yourself first.
That attention he was giving others should have been for you.
Ive lived this, the self doubt, amd hun you are going to to get through this. You will be scarred, but you will learn in time you were enough and are enough.
Keep breathing, when the days are super tough, set small goals and just keep breathing.
You will bloom from this and come out end better than you ever dreamed you could be.
A better life without self doubt is there for you.
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For sure not an idiot love you want to keep your family together that is what most people want
Your doing the best you can but don’t stick it out if you know he’s going to keep doing it he probably never stopped hun. You need to keep your Kids in a happy environment and yourself happy and if that means separating from their dad do it, you aren’t taking his rights away.
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No he dosent love u because if he did he would have more respect for u and your children there’s no excuse
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It honestly sounds like his mental health is playing up and he uses that as an excuse to be a shady dawg! But in saying that I’d try one last time to keep the family together. Just remember your choices impacts your children also so you need to think of them and what’s best for them also.
(Yes I have been cheated on and it was nothing like this post)
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No, you’re an amazing wife and mother for what you’re doing by trying to work things out. Everyone is human and goes through hard times and makes mistakes. It’s each and every relationship and the people in it that need to figure out if it’s worth it or not and what makes it worth it? It’s worth it if there is a possible outcome of good. If it’s hopeless then trying would be throwing yourself into pain knowing the outcome is only more pain and that’s an idiot. I think you’re strong and you’re fighting for someone you love. Of course what he’s doing isn’t right or okay but he’s going through something and needs a true friend in you at the toughest time. You being that friend and wife is something he is really lucky for and shows what marriage really means to you. I wish you both the best and I hope things can be worked through and your family stays together and is a happy one again! 
Get rid of him as fast as you can! Get on with your life & find a “good” man that values “you” .
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Is he going to chest every single time life gets a little bet challenging, a little rough? Every time there’s a bump in the road? Because that’s life. He’s definitely using it as an excuse.
Men like to use the attention excuse a lot . Some of them are like that, & it’s gross I’d say run for the hill’s because it won’t change and if it does it’ll be for the worse
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I think he’s manipulating you but that’s my opinion
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He doesn’t want it… He wants out…
If he’s hearing voices then he should NOT be around the kids. But then again this is bullshit to cover up…
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Been there. Done that. Too many chances. Gone now. Bye bye
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Personally I smell a rat . And he’s just full of d@mn excuses . And your falling for it . I get mental health. But that’s no reason to do what he’s doing .that’s an excuse. And obviously there’s more than him just talking and sending pics . He’s playing you for a fool. And what you allow will continue. So it’s really up to you .
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Run. You deserve better
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It will never stop, only escalate as more boundaries are pushed. I went through this for 12 years and the last 3 were horrific. It’s an addiction to receive instant and constant gratification. Can’t have the cake and eat it too!
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I haven’t read all the comments but I want to say that it is disturbing that he has so little love, respect and regard for you and the family that he is so willing to risk y’all and places his own selfish desires above. He doesn’t deserve to have you and the kiddos.
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Whoa! I just find the excuses so hard to believe. He is cheating.
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I’m so sorry that you and your kids have to go through this. You need to take care of yourself. I feel like you should think of this in the long term. I have been in a similar situation. It took me a while, but when things ended I felt so much better. My kiddo had a hard time with it, but it brought us closer that we were before. I was able to focus on them and myself rather than worrying if their father was being thruthful or not.
Remember women like us don’t need men in our lives. We want them to add happiness to it.
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I’d say get out and protect your own mental health. You will never be happy with someone you can’t trust.
If you hasn’t caught him there would be no voices I guarantee
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Should I keep trying to keep my family together?
I think your being a great Mom and care alot about your family.
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I am so sorry you are going thru this.
I call it the “Bellyfull Syndrome. Long term or short, we put up with it until we get our belly full.
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I’m so sorry that you’ve endured this, and I am praying for your broken heart. There’s a saying, “a REAL apology is changed behavior”. Always remember that we teach people how to treat us by what we tolerate. Yes, everyone makes mistakes, but a repeated offense is NOT A MISTAKE, IT’S A CHOICE. It sounds as if he has made his, now you’re going to have to make one. Pray and ask God for wisdom and guidance, and he will give it to you, and he will be with you every step of the way to follow his instructions. God bless you.
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I went through something like that. My kids were being hurt by both of us. There father for not really being there and I because they knew something was wrong. My children were 9&11. I when I got to the point of leaving that’s when I found out how they really felt. They told me that they were tired of seeing me sad and they understood.I was scared but I did it and we were happier we struggled a little bit my kids knew it was for the best. This worked for me but it might not work for anyone else.
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So my dad was this way all growing up. Always physically in our home but never really there for us. He was always needing an outsider to make him feel wanted or needed. His own kids were never enough for him and we still aren’t to this day. I begged and begged for my mom to leave him and she never did. I always feel like things would have been so much better if they would have divorced when it first happened. Just thought a perspective from an adult that was the kid in the situation at one point.
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Sorry to say it but he chooses to do this it has nothing to do with mental health he’s seeking attention from other females because he’s over the marriage. End it now for the sake of your children and yourself you deserve so much more then consistently putting yourself through that heartache everytime you find those messages x
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A tiger never loses his stripes
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This sounds like you are grasping at straws of denial—its emotional affair, he just hugged her—that is just making yourself feel better to think they have not consummated the affair physically. But emotional attachment is more serious than a physical hook up for sex. Either way, he is complicated and complicating your life more. You need to be super strong whether you stay or split. Can you emotionally withstand ups and downs as your husband straightens out his feelings? It could go either way. If you love him, it might be worth trying to stay together. Divorce will remain one of your options.
I do anything to keep my family together - my hubby wont . Fighting cancer & custody battle - "
I cant image women ’ / mother who trying take my 5 year old from me.
I will let The Lord handle her.
I understand wanting to hold a family together … but this continously acting as though he has all the power, is crazy to me. Forget what he wants what do you really want .
No you’re not a fool, before you end your marriage let him do his counseling and get the help you found for him. Prepare yourself for after counseling. If after that if it happens again be done. Good luck to you
FIrst of all you should be working with his mental health professional that is working with him. That is the person that should be helping you through this
I say work it out! in today’s world so so many aren’t willing to put in the work it takes to stay together and work thru issues. you have kids and years put into this. make it work. why throw out a great thing for just a couple rough spots. get the help you both need and make it work
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