Was I Too Harsh on My Teenage Son in This Situation?

QUESTION:

"I have a 17-year-old, amongst other children, and I’m at my wit’s end. I ask for a little help around the house: mainly, clean up after yourself, put bins out, pack dishes away, and mow the lawn every now and then (we take that in turns).

Well, he’s been doing work experience and believes he shouldn’t have to do anything around the house. I lost it yesterday when, for the umpteenth time since Wednesday, I told him to shower (4 days in hottish weather doing manual labor in the dirt, dust, and grease with no shower…). I told him I wasn’t taking him for a drive until he was clean.

He snapped it at me and said that because I won’t do anything for him, he won’t do anything for me. Well, this floored me, and I had to take a walk; when I returned, I pointed out to him that if he believed I didn’t do anything for him, then that would be it, he would have to get himself up and off to school/work and walk or ride, buy his own food, as well as his own washing, cooking, cleaning, etc., and because I do nothing for him he would have to figure out how to pay for it all considering I pay all the bills so he can’t use my stuff.

Now I’m feeling extremely guilty. Have I been too harsh?"

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TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):

“Good for you. Better a reality check with you, safe, in your own home. Could be worse. Could be a reality check in the real world and he could be starving, homeless, etc.”

“You did good, but in my opinion, it’s your job as the parent to take on the responsibility of cooking, cleaning, making sure your kid is fed clothed, all that till t out of high school, doesn’t matter the age. I get trying to discipline the child and trying to get him to help around the house. But I really sure when parents throw that they feed the kids, buy them clothes, ext in their child’s face… That’s your responsibility as a parent, not the child’s. I totally get the discipline and responsibility teachings. But as far as those being said, it’s your job, not theirs.”

“You did great! I’m not sure I would have been smart enough to take a walk before reacting and having that conversation.”

“My younger brother was just like him. He put my parents through hell. It’s your house your rules until he starts paying rent then that’s when he can have a say. As long as you provide his basic needs, everything else is a privilege. Make sure you stand your ground because as soon as he sees you’re a pushover he will take advantage. Parent guilt is the worst. Hang in there.”

“Don’t feel guilty. Others don’t realize how much a person does for them until it’s not done.”

“Nope. I work two jobs and at 14 and 15 depend on mine to do chores (vacuum, empty dishwasher, do your own laundry). I explained it’s my chore to get groceries and take them to school, so when they ignored chores last week I showed them what me ignoring my chores feels like. We depend on each other as a family team.”

“I think you handled this perfectly. He’s at the age where he needs a reality check if he isn’t helping around the house. He will likely be moving out in a few years and needs to realize what is required for that. Good job.”

“Nope! Excellent lesson to learn now. You don’t want to be out on his own or worse moved in with a partner and him having these thoughts. You are doing great Momma, keep it up.”

“Nope, I would have also canceled his phone service and changed the WiFi password as well. Maybe even give him a bill for electricity and groceries… He’s almost an adult and will learn real quick you not catering to him in no way is not taking care of him.”

“No, you didn’t overreact! He is 17 you shouldn’t have to tell him to shower. If he thinks he is grown & doesn’t need to help you, a dose of reality is what he needs!”

“No, I actually think you handled it well. You didn’t yell, you left to take a breather. And after a little while, he will see that he does need your help and he will apologize. Trust me, I was him when I was younger. Very stubborn but I would always come around because I needed my parents and they knew that.”

“That’s exactly what I would have said! He needs a reality check and to appreciate you more. Just make sure you don’t back down and he knows you mean business. Great job momma!”

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READ ALL ANSWERS BELOW:

184 Likes

I wish one of my kids would…lol

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As for groceries and school yes you should. But for everything else he can do for himself.

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You did the right thing :ok_hand:

Don’t feel guilty. Others don’t realize how much a person does for them until it’s not done.

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Hellllllll no you’re not being too harsh

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Let him learn how much you really do for a week or two

Good for you. Better a reality check with you, safe, in your own home. Could be worse. Could be a reality check in the real world and he could be starving, homeless, etc etc

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Sometimes you have to be harsh for them to realise how much you actually do do for them. It doesn’t have to be permanent, once he realises and/or apologises you can agree on what you will do and what he will need to do for himself from now on. Having a 17 yr old do his own washing is not too much to ask for. Let him go smelly, he will realise when other people start commenting.

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Nope good if he acts like a adult treat him like one

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You did the right thing :person_tipping_hand:

Dont feel guilty at all. He needs to understand all that you as his mother do for him and others on a daily basis. Sometimes they need to see the grass is not always greener and you need to be careful what you wish for you just might get it. Stay strong Mama.

Nope not harsh at all. Teens suuuck. I have 2 right now and its ridiculous. All I know is I thought I was the shit too at 17 and my mom put a stop to that real quick. Let him go without and see how long it lasts. You shouldn’t be doing an almost adults laundry and the chores he has to do are barely anything. At his age he should be almost self sufficient to be honest with you. We have 4 and even the 4 yr old cleans up after herself and helps out. I have a 14 and 15 yr old and they’ve been doing their own laundry for almost 2 yrs now. They do the dishes, take care of lawn work, trash, their rooms, unload and put away groceries, clean up after themselves, etc etc. Your son is spoiled.

Don’t feel guilty. He’s old enough to know he should be pulling his weight. Some people don’t realise how much is done for them untill it’s taken away. I would of said the same to any of mine being like it . Your just teaching him what life basics are at the end of the day x

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YOU HAVE DONT NOTHING WRONG!!! Serves the little shit right for being a brat, I’d have also taken every single thing out of his room that he didnt pay for since you do nothing for him

Give it a few days. When he realizes how wrong he was, sit down with him and discuss just how much it takes to be an adult and take care of a family. Explain to him the expenses of having his own place and paying his own bills along with the responsibilities that come with being an adult.

Girl! I bet my kids would. Mine do chores ALL of them. From my 14 year old who has a job down to my two year old. And they best do it without complaining or else they loose everything. I’m talking only food they get is meals, no treats or ice cream or chips. They loose their internet, tv, game systems. They gonna pull their weight around the house.

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My mother removed everything. Tv. Toilet paper. Soap. Everything from the house on me once

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If her has a phone in your name, cancel it. Change your wifi pw and do not give it to him.

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Not to harsh at all. You did the right thing!

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Nope reality wake up call!
This is what it means to become an adult

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You’ve got to be cruel to be kind. 17 is old enough!!

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Nope! Good for you. Sometimes a wakeup call is the best thing you can do for them as a parent. He may not like it now, but it will benefit him in the long run.

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No not to harsh at all. Mom of 3 speaking plus 3 step kids…ive heard it all. Let him learn and dont cave in! Best lesson ever

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I think it was a fab response x

It sounds as though he doesn’t understand how much goes into being an adult in general.
At 17, its something he needs to learn and it’s better he learn it now rather than learning it later.

My mom has done this to my sisters

Nope. My Momma did that to me when I got a bit big for my britches. It taught me that she did A LOT for us kids and that it wasnt the end of the world to help out around the house.

Definitely not and I’d 100% stick to it too! And an apology! I have a 15yr son and he’s only just started showering regularly due to him now having a gf🙄

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Haha sounds like every parent of a teen lmao.

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Stick to it and make him realize how much u actually do do for him

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17 and not wanting to shower is kinda old !

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Not too harsh at all! I would of been way harsher!! Hes almost an adult, he needs to learn how to care for himself :slight_smile:

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Sounds about right. Tell him his room costs money too.

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Not to harsh at all, I have 3 boys 19, 21 and 23 and ya, it’s a battle most of the time to get them to do stuff around the house, it will get better

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Stick to your guns. You got to do it if not he’ll run over you

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Nope not at all he will see what you do and l would make him pay rent if he wants a room he wants to be an adult treat him like one

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I wouldn’t take food, everything else do it.then make him pay “rent, ultilities,food”

Nope. And I would also stop doing anything for him. No more cooking or laundry. Might be about time he start paying rent.

He’s old enough to do most of that in his own and by himself. He’s old enough to know what to shower. He’s old enough to wash his own clothes. He’s old enough to help you around the house without it being considered chores or you asking him. When I was 17 I worked two jobs while I went to high school. I did my own laundry, babysat my sisters, and did household chores because they needed to be done. Most every month I helped with bills or groceries too. You weren’t to harsh. You weren’t being mean. He’s old enough to understand when you are at you witts end and need help, of any kind. Just take a deep breath. Let him be mad, he will realise at some point.

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I say give it a trial run. He’ll learn some important life lessons and its very likely he’ll cave anyways.

Not to harsh . Keep it up

Nope you’re not. I would do the same to mine. They are only 15 months 3 and 7

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It must be in the water!! I had it out with my 17 and 15 year olds on Friday!!!

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Good going! Keep true to your word. He needs to know how good he has it.

Not too harsh. My mom kicked me out for a month when I pulled that stunt. When I came back I had my own set of Bill’s. We had 4 people living in the house so we split it 3 ways so I knew how much I was actually using and costing her. I was different ever since and even thanked her for it cus it was a lesson i needed.

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Nope I would have taken away the bed he sleeps in. Taken off the door that pays for his privacy. Put some baby wipes on his counter. Take away any and all toilet paper and tell him to figure it out.

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I think you should stick to it he’s the one who said you don’t doanything for him now you need to show him what you do do for him

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I think you nailed it.

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Nope they need to learn the real world… Awesome work… my lot are starting to learn the real world… Mum is not a slave keep up the good work.

He’s one year away from legal adult! He should be already helping! Not too harsh

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No your being strong and hes being selfish and childish. Your teaching him real life. My mum and dad brought me up to earn my pocket money etc, paid board from a young age and i totally respect them
For it. Made me the person i am today. I was running my own bar/restaurant from the age of 27.

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No I actually think you handled it well. You didn’t yell, you left to take a breather. And after a little while he will see that he does need your help and he will apologize. Trust me, I was him when I was younger. Very stubborn but I would always come around because I needed my parents and they knew that.

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Nice job, make him face reality

First of all if it were my son, I would take him in the yard and hose his stinky butt off! Hes almost an adult. I would provide him dinner & nothing else. I would change the wifi Password, take the door off his bedroom, take his phone(if he has one & you pay for it) Stick to it Mama! You’re doing great!

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I think you did good. He will appreciate what you do for him more and be more self sufficient for it.

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Nope he’s old enough he needs to understand responsibility’s and respect. :clap:t4:

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You’re doing it right

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I think what would have been more harsh was to not react this way and let him learn just how hard life gets when he’s NOT under the comforts of your roof and help. At least you’re still there to secure him as he falls this time.

nope! Excellent lesson to learn now. You don’t want to be out on his own or worse moved in with a partner and him having these thoughts. You are doing great Momma, keep it up.

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N O. Not even close to being too harsh.

nah girl teenagers are a**holes. You’re definitely not being too harsh

Its a much needed wake up call for him

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You put it perfectly. The only thing I’ll add that is constructive criticism is, you may have benefited if you said this to him a few years ago.

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Heck no!!! I have a 17 year old as well. I’m going through the same thing. Sends you lots of patience and hugs

Not harsh just being realistic, it’s tough out in the real world n the sooner the next gen learn this the better, make him do his own clothes washing as well, you go Mama you got this

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Nope good job. My kids are girl 17. 2 boys 11 and 10. They try me like that i do that to them. My 11 yead old kinda of stepped up a bit.

You did good, but in my opinion, it’s your job as the parent to take on the responsibility of cooking, cleaning, making sure your kid is fed clothed, all that till t out of high school, doesn’t matter the age. I get trying to discipline the child and trying to get him to help around the house. But I really sure when parents throw that they feed the kids, buy them clothes, ext in their child’s face… That’s your responsibility as a parent, not the child’s. I totally get the discipline and responsibility teachings. But as far as those being said,its your job not theirs.

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You are doing a good job, teens tend to think that they can wall all over their parents. Don’t feel guilty for being a parent, you are doing it right.

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I would of burnt his belongings in the front yard, so no you aren’t.

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We have one like that over here.but it is about 26.do they ever learn.

Agreed. Great job lol.

A touch of reality of what faces him as an adult is good. Too many teens now a days think they r entitled!

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I think you did the right thing. At 17 he should be realizing what he should be doing and needs to do daily.

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Heck no. My mom made me do that. It taught me how to manage time and money. It made me realize that bills aren’t fun but you have to pay them

I don’t think you’re being too harsh at all. There are so many men who believe they don’t need to participate in cleaning their living space, just because they work.
He needs to know that is not acceptable behaviour. Good job mom!
And about the shower lol I am the same. Sorry I don’t have stinky kids in my house or car :joy: you better shower every day if you need rides lol

No… you did right. When he is ready to apologize and admit.he was wrong then he can go back to you helping him out. He needed a reality check

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Hell no mama. Stick to your guns. In Ontario all you have to provide for them is clothes food and a roof. Feed him, a protein a starch and a fruit or veg. Take everything from his room except for the mattress a light blanket n pillow and a few days worth of clothes. I did it to my eldest.

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Good for you! Kids need to learn to appreciate and respect their parents.

You are completely right . Don’t feel bad

Been there done that. Yes state says i have to feed and clothe you but a plain T-shirt and generic shoes suffice. You choose not do your laundry n shower you become the stinky kid. N you can’t get n my car stinking. You wash your dishes or you don’t have any to use. Yes at one point i have specific dishes for each kid. I had a kid with just basics n his room until he got it. Yes you have lights n water n heat. But no cable, Internet, cell because I pay for that and since i do nothing for you. Those are all luxuries you don’t get if you can’t help a little.

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Teenagers do become azzholes. Stick to your beliefs

Nope! Not harsh at all.

Nope, keep it up until he apologizes. It’s a shit world, the sooner he realizes it, the better.

I agree. Sometimes opening their eyes to what you do that they take foe granted is warranted. Even if you didn’t do all of these things, he is a child that should respect you as a parent and do what is asked of him as you aren’t being unreasonable

Ur not wrong im sure u do a ton for ur children its about time he realises how much you do for him

His attitude is of the average 17-year-old kid.
I don’t feel like you’re being too harsh give him a reality check sometimes they need it. You just have to stick with it consequences don’t work if there’s no follow through.

You are handling it right. He needs to wake up.

Stay strong. Lesson needs to be taught here.

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Definitely not being to harsh lol my mom uses that as well and normally gets my siblings to help out

Absolutely not Momma.
You did the absolute right thing! He is almost 18 and thereby an adult soon. He needs to learn now, because if he doesn’t he has a world of hurt coming to him.

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Lord a 17 year old shouldn’t have to be told to shower🤦

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You handled it perfectly in my opinion

needs to grow up your right on

No your right. mine are 7,5 and 2 and we all clean together

These kids these days are entitled. You did good. If it was me, he would’ve gotten an ass whopping.

Nope i would have done the same

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That’s kinda normal for teens lol

You handled it great

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My son told me he hurt to much to do the chore like I asked so I told him when I get off work I’m going to be to tired to cook dinner, I will be to tired to watch a movie, I will be to tired to take him to the store… after a couple days his attitude changed

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