Was I Wrong to Ask My Ex to Split the Cost Items Our Daughters Need for Winter?

QUESTION:

Was I wrong to ask my ex to help split what our daughters need for winter?

Am I irrational about this? I asked my girls’ dad if we can split winter coats and boots and stuff, like we each get one kid’s items. He’s insisting that that’s not fair or logical to him because we have 50/50 custody, and we should each buy sets for each kid.

I was like, well, IDK why they need two of each when it’s expensive. He went off talking about how I must not be managing my money lol and that I must be bored to be texting him. I was like this has nothing to do with you or me; it’s the kids and I think it makes sense because they don’t need two of everything.

I told him how I’ve bought all the school supplies, all the school clothes, all the spring and summer clothes, plus winter coats and boots last year and Halloween costumes and everything. Yet he insists that we don’t split it and we each buy our own. I don’t feel like that’s fair because I have done everything. And the one time I am struggling and racking my brain about how I’m gonna get this stuff, he flat out says no."

RELATED QUESTION: Should a Household Always Be 50/50?

TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):

“We have 50/50 of my partner’s kids. One week here and one week there, we buy for our house and she buys for hers. They need clothes at her house and at our house, buying one to go back and forth for us is asking for someone to lose a coat (or even forget because their mom tends to send them over in clothes not suited for the season ALL THE TIME) and then having to buy another one anyway so it’s easier for them to have a coat at each house.”

“This is sad. My ex-husband pays a pretty penny of child support to his ex but if she were ever struggling, we always helped with clothes, food, toys, etc. And most times she didn’t even have to ask, because we all want what’s best for our kids. Sounds like your ex needs to step off his high horse and help you.”

“Even if it’s 50/50 custody why would they need 2 coats? I think her way makes more sense for both of the parents. They’ll need a coat to get from one parent to the other. That’s something you can’t really keep at both houses.”

“In a lot of 50/50 custody agreements, it states that each parent buys the supplies, clothes, etc for each child while in their care. That would mean he’s right in saying you both should buy your own winter clothes. That way a coat doesn’t get forgotten at the other parent’s house or anything like that.”

“I see all these comments about having stuff at both houses for the child. What happens that way is the child ends up with two mediocre jackets that they hardly wear when they could have one good jacket they wear all the time. Also, kids with divorced parents live out of a suitcase. You can’t prevent it. They end up with favourite things that they bring back and forth that they don’t want to leave at one house or another. And telling them something belongs at mom’s house or dad’s house makes it feel like it doesn’t belong to the kid like it should. As a kid who lived this life and not a parent thinking they are doing the right thing (sorry but you really don’t know until you’ve been on the other end of it) I agree they should split the cost of the winter gear. No kid wants to separate outfits for different houses. It’s confusing and makes them different from other kids.”

“50/50 you buy everything they need when at your house and he does the same for when they are with him. If you are proven financially stable to have them half of the time then you should be able to provide for them when in your care.”

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43 Likes

In a lot of 50/50 custody agreements, it states that each parent buys the supplies, clothes, etc for each child while in their care. That would mean he’s right in saying you both should buy your own winter clothes. That way a coat doesn’t get forgot at the other parents house or anything like that.

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But your own and don’t send them with any clothes when they go to his house.

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Honestly I saved the hassle when me and my husband split up. I just bought whatever I needed. And as soon as it was his week he had everything that he needed. My kids left my house in the clothes they had on and maybe a sippy cup or 1 toy. And when they came back it was the same way. I didnt ask him for anything nor did he ask me. We just both made sure they were taken care of when we had them without eachothers help
It saved so many arguements.

It’s going in my agreement that we split extra costs such a this or school supplies. What is in your agreement?

Buy your own. And when your child visits from his house, send her back in what she came in that way you have your clothes and he has his. But yes, buy the clothes for your house. It’s ridiculous to expect him to pay for the clothes and then send half to your house or you pay for clothes and send half to his house. Most courts will say you provide for your own household.

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If you need financial help you should just ask him.

I buy everything my ex dont do anything and then he acts like father of the year! Its frustrating but its my child and they know who does everything…

Saves money if you split…makes no sense…

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Hi everyone! It’s Monique using Ron’s phone again. I am the non custodial parent. When my ex called me with the same request for our son, I said yes, thank you. I was grateful he wanted to split the cost because that stuff adds up like crazy. I will pray that your ex gets his act together and starts listening to your requests.

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You’ll find a way to provide mama

We have 50/50 but I pay child support. I make ALOT more than he does. I buy her nice clothes for school and buy all her winter gear too it is expensive and I do send it with her to his house to make sure she has nice things and doesn’t have to wear what he can “afford” its whats in the best interest for our children please try and remember that. Don’t buy stuff then keep it from your kids because of him. My daughters dad is a POS but I will not let my daughter suffer.

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Can you put it on like afterpay or something? So its small manageable payments? Thats what I might end up doing.

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If he doesn’t want to save money by buying it together, then you can’t really force him. 50/50 literally means you do you.

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Nope they are his kids too…you shouldn’t have to ask he should be offering to

50/50 you buy everything they need when at your house and he does the same for when they are with him. If you are proven financially stable to have them half of the time then you should be able to provide for them when in your care.

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I’d do my own his own. Because every time I send my kid with something she never comes back with it. Ever. :woman_facepalming:

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Is he paying child support? Some states such as mine still require one parent to pay child support. If he is, technically I feel his argument is valid and you can’t really go further. Unless your decree outlines who pays for what, it’s going to be a battle it sounds like.

Maybe he will grow up and realize you’re struggling and rightfully need the help to take care of your children. Or perhaps, since he wants to buy some anyway, offer to split his costs and reimburse him. If your paperwork doesn’t outline who buys what you might end up SOL on this one sadly.

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It depends… growing up my cousins had stuff for their moms and stuff for their dads because one or both parents wouldn’t send tbe stuff back… im also seeing that now with my nieces and nephews. :woman_shrugging: Each family is different but his view is totally normal. :woman_shrugging:

Klarna, you can buy things and it breaks it up in 4 payments over 6 weeks

Why can’t they just pack what they need as they go house to house? If they show up wearing a coat and boots, they have it :woman_shrugging:
It causes way to much of a headache to keep everything “where it belongs” as they bounce back and forth… and way unneeded drama for the kids… it’s just going to make them walk on egg shells.

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Buy the kids things for your place and he can buy the things for the kids for his place. That’s usually how it goes. Don’t send any of their clothes there with them and the outfit and shoes they go in to their dads comes back when they go back to your house. Also if you do get child support (you didn’t mention if u did or not) that’s where it is suppose to be going is for the clothes shoes food etc for the kids.

If that was me I would go to the csa and get the money I am entitled too for our children and use the money for whatever they need that way he cant get out of providing your children for the things they need

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I dont think thats irrational at all. He sounds like a A hole. What does your custody agreement say? Also if he’s being like that and not wanting to co parent like an adult it might be time for an update to that custody agreement

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Try a thrift store…they’re great for winter coats.
It makes more sense to split… He sounds petty.

Go to the thrift store for some coats and pants. Thats what I do and it saves a ton on stuff they wont even fit the following year.

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Even if it’s 50/50 custody why would they need 2 coats? I think her way makes more sense for both of the parents. They’ll need a coat to get from one parents to the others. That’s something you can’t really keep at both houses.

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I dont get it he said you each buy but you said you don’t need 2 of everything…there you go just let him get both

So agree. Tell him okay, we will each buy. But then, just don’t. I would let him buy them both everything they need and then not waste my own money since they already have everything they need.

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Dont have kids with a man child.

I used quad pay it breaks the amount into 4 different payments Hey! Have you checked out QuadPay? You can use it to shop now and pay later at tons of great brands. Get the app at this link: https://app.adjust.com/62q79k5

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can you get them second hand? I always get my kids stuff second hand so its not as expensive.

In our state, if he pays child support that is where it should come from. Him buying additional coats and clothes for his place is extra. At least he spends extra money on them when they’re with him. Because he can be petty and not do anything extra because he pays child support. :woman_shrugging:t2:

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I wouldnt ask him twice. If he doesnt think enough of his own kids to want them to have what they need he is a pos dad.you will find a way to get them what they need momma.you always have before right?

So if you buy a winter coat and he buys a winter coat then when he picks them up he’ll bring the coat he brought and when you pick them up they’ll switch coats. Same for shoes and everything else. Yup that sounds dumb

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Not being irrational at all, however my sons father doesn’t help at all! So for the winter stuff that rarely gets worn but a couple months out of the year I buy used, Facebook swap and used stores sell pretty cheap and I’ve scored get things!

That’s what child support is for.

This is sad… My ex husband pays a pretty penny of child support to his ex but if she were ever stuggling we always helped with clothes, food, toys etc. And most times she didnt even have to ask, because we all want whats best for our kids. Sounds like your ex needs to step off his high horse and help you.

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Yes you are being irrational, you both should have your own stuff at your own homes. Splitting the cost and trying to share it between both homes will just become a confusing mess.

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That’s what we do. BM complained about clothes being lost or stained, so after a few times we said screw it, the kids take her clothes off as soon as they get here and are bagged up. They wear our clothes/shoes/coats, everything while here and then put on an outfit of hers when they go back.

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If 50 /50 I believe u should buy the stuff for ur house and he buy the stuff for his house.

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We had 50/50, we bought for our house other parents bought for there house needs. Only costs that where split was school events.

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We share basics like Coats and Shoes but clothes stay at each house just bc I’m particular about that!

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I think its actually nice to have your own things for each household because then it isn’t a fight when something doesn’t get sent back

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Why do they need two of everything that is stupid her way is logical each of them get winter supplies for one child I don’t see why it’s such a big deal to have one of everything wear it from moms to Dad’s why switch out winter clothes every visit that’s dumb

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As a mom from a divorce I always provided everything got 16 a week in support sooooo as a mom do what you need to do, does he pay support?

He has the kids half the time, he doesn’t personally owe you a hand because you’re broke. The kids seem to be taken care of on his end.

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I went through this several times and the courts don’t care either it’s unfortunate the men don’t think of all the stuff we spend money on that’s not even included in child support but the girls will grow up and know who was there and bought them what they needed but from now on don’t send anything nice or any school supplies to his house and see what happens

We have 50/50 of my partner’s kids.

One week here and one week there, we buy for our house and she buys for hers. They need clothes at her house and at our house, buying one to go back and forth for us is asking for someone to lose a coat (or even forget because their mom tends to send them over in clothes not suited for the season ALL THE TIME) and then having to buy another one anyway so its easier for them to have a coat at each house :woman_shrugging:t2:

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If the kids are 50/50 with each of you it is only fair that each of you get things for them at your home. It’s his job to make sure they have what they need yes. But it’s yours also.

We have my step daughter every other weekend. My fiancee pays $800 a month in child support and we still provide all of her clothes and such for our own home. Even when we are broke we make sure she has what she needs here. Because he is her father, and this is her home also, and I don’t believe a child should have to live out of a suitcase. She has clothes here and her mom’s. We bought her winter coat to take home to her mom’s last year and she had one here. He’s wrong to be childish about it if you really can’t afford it. But at the same time he’s not technically wrong.

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Kohls is having sales on coats right now. You buy for your girls and remind him to bring their coats and such he bought when he has them. That way what you bought stays home.

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So what when you pick up the kids from his house are you suppose to bring their coats and boots from your house so you don’t take his coats and boots from his house🤣

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This is stupid they don’t need 2 coats and all that jazz. With that said check with local churches they do coat drives

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Don’t sweat urself momma. Smile cheer up and take ur kids for shopping brand new or 2nd hand, its ok and stop by for an ice cream -kids will cherish the moments with you. And maybe you guys can alternate year for winter stuffs?

Both households should have thier own stuff. That way it’s never a worry that one forgot the jacket.

Unless it’s something that will be going back and forth every time each house should have thier own stuff.

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If he makes more money than you you can easily even with the 50-50 agreement make it so that he has to pay child support. I guess if he wants to make it hard on himself do that or just help you out and let the kids bring what they want to each one of your house. God people have to make it so difficult their kids they want their stuff wherever they are let them have it there and help each other out because in the end it’s all for the kids anyways.

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I get both sides tbh. And sometimes I have to beg for my clothes back so sharing would be a no go for me because I’d never get them back or the child would never wear them. I struggled also to the point I ate ramen noodles for weeks just to feed my son and still bought all his stuff because the dad just isn’t easy to work with. But I understand your point totally as well. I think it’s hard to give advice properly when we only get one sides view on things. Also depends on the ages. If it’s been a few years and you just now decide to want to share winter clothes I would’ve said no also sorry. But I also wouldn’t let my child go without if I was the father. Too many factors to these questions y’all ask for advice for

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I used to do 50/50 with my ex and we only split extra curriculars, school supplies/fees, and insurance premiums/medications. Basically any “one time” fees that incurred. I agree with him, you supply at your place, hell supply at his place, but make sure that your winter items stay with you if hes not going to split (i live in SETX so our winter items are hoodies. :joy:)

He sounds very difficult but personally I wouldn’t want to send them to his house with stuff I paid for because I feel like mine would leave something there and then I wouldn’t have it when I need it. I don’t know where your from but have you checked fb for a buy nothing group? I live in Henrietta ny and found the group buy nothing Henrietta. People post children’s clothes and household items they no longer need and then when someone sees it and needs it they inbox the person for the address. Everything is set outside so it’s contactless and no money involved. I have been able to score a Halloween costume, rain boots, hoodies for the kids. And I post stuff the twins out grow on it. I’m not sure if other towns outside of Rochester area have these groups but it can’t hurt to search for it. It’s free and it helps us out

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Thank goodness he’s your ex

He just keeps reminding you why he is your ex. Leave him out of the equation and save yourself the stress.

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That’s not 50/50. That’s 100/100 if you’re buying 2 of everything for each child.

I see all these comments about having stuff at both houses for the child. What happens that way is the child ends up with two mediocre jackets that they hardly wear when they could have one good jacket they wear all the time. Also kids with divorced parents live out of a suitcase. You can’t prevent it. They end up with favourite things that they bring back and forth that that they don’t want to leave at one house or another. And telling them something belongs at moms house or dads house makes it feel like it doesn’t belong to the kid like it should. As a kid who lived this life and not a parent thinking they are doing the right thing (sorry but you really don’t know until you’ve been on the other end of it) I agree they should split the cost of the winter gear. No kid wants to separate outfits for different houses. It’s confusing and makes them different from other kids.

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Nope. I even have it in my custody order with my ex that everything is split 50/50, including basic needs and my son’s pitching and golf lessons.

As a mom I expect that I’d have to provide all for my kids regardless if their dad was there or not and even if he has 50/50 custody. If you’re worried about affording it check into local churches, Salvation Army or even dhs may know of coat drives for children needing supplies. I personally would rather each home have their own stuff because things get left or misplaced.

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Honestly you buy for you and your home. Your ex is responsible to provide for the kids while they are with him (includes but not limited to clothing, food, boots, snow gear, etc). I tried to work with my ex but the minute he complained I didn’t send something, I was like nope your responsibility to do I’m done. I’ve lost a ton of money on my bonus kids over the years because we’d never see clothes sent back. They wear what they wore to our house back home again. Can be a pain having to do the laundry but it’s what needed to be done. So while I can see not being a pain about it, you only get so much and that money only goes so far to supply your home.

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All things should be bought for the kids. Get the receipts and split the cost down the middle. Boots, jacket, snow pants, any and all clothes. Set a limit and if you spend 250 bucks he should supply you with 125… simple. When i think of 50/50 I think everything should be split in the middle. Except food. That is on each parent when they are with the other

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I also have what’s supposed to be 50/50 custody. Pretty much the only thing I don’t have to fight him on… is that one of us buys our daughter shoes and one of us buys her winter coat, we switch every year who buys which. Clothing we each buy for our own houses and she wears back the outfit she left in. We tried just letting her wear whatever, but she would always come back in clothes that were stained or too small and he would keep her nice clothes

Goodwill. Yard sales. My sister can buy whatever she wants and choses to shop at second hand stores. She said you just have to know what you are looking for.

It should be split 50/50 and shared with both houses but if one parent doesn’t have it then the other parent should help out more so the child doesn’t go without!

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Idk, I am honestly all for buying clothes separately so they don’t have to take things back and forth. Coats seem a little much to have to buy double of. But it wouldn’t hurt to have 2 of each either :woman_shrugging:t4:

That’s a cop out he knows you ain’t gonna send your children off without boots hats scarfs etc on them… Amazing how this exact combo happens a LOT and they always try to say its momma not managing money… dickheads children grow! Seek a change in mainteance agreement to allow for a payment before school starts and then another at start of winter to cover costs for clothes etc it’s called a variation of mainteance

Each parent is ONLY responsible for the kid when they’re in that parents home. My ex has clothes and all for my kids there and I have all that here for them. School supplies go to both houses but ultimately clothes shoes and coats- each house has to provide that themselves. That IS fair only bc what if he forgets to send a coat, or maybe forgets to send clothes back to you so your kid is there without? It’s responsible and logical to have their needs at each house

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If you have a Meijer in your area black Friday they have winter coats super cheap. He should split the cost but if he doesn’t keep an eye on sales add and grab stuff when on sale. At the end of summer I get my kids their summer clothes for next year and end of winter I grab winter clothes for next year. (Everything goes on clearance just buy a size up or 2 depending on how ur kid grows)

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I am with ur ex he buys what the kids need at his house.You buy what the kids need at ur house. My ex buys everything my son needs at his house and I buy what my son needs at my house. Then only thing we do 50/50 is sports school suppies and my son is in band and so we spilt the cost of that.

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He’s an ass. There’s no reason for them to have two of everything, maybe shoes but that’s it

Honestly though if you and your ex had these 2 girls together you should work together to get their things. Those items bought are just that theirs. Not yours and not his. Regardless of who buys them your kids still have to have them. But to say they need one at each house is crazy. I would NOT unclothe my child whether it be shoes, coat, undergarments, clothes in general just because they were his clothes or your clothes. They are your kiddos clothes. Dont get caught up in making your girls feel some kind of way because they have to undress even if it’s just a coat at drop off and pick up. That’s absolutely ridiculous. And any parent that says they should have clothes at each house I get it my child has to go back and forth but that’s not coparenting. Figure out a way to get the coat and make sure your girls have a coat. When kiddos need something it doesnt matter whether at moms or dads someone just get them whatever it is they need. That’s your babies. Both of your babies. I quit worrying about what my ex would get my son a long time ago. I just did what I had to to make sure he had what he needed. Don’t depend on someone else to do it. I see your thought process and I think his his wrong but bottom line your girls have to have winter clothes and a coat.

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Question, is there child support being paid to one of the parents or is this true cut 50/50?

You can still request child support if you share 50/50 custody.

I feel it’s both of your jobs to buy for the kids. One set at your house and one set at the fathers. Who cares if they have more than one thing. We tell my bfs baby mom no. Y’all get child support for a reason. Just my thought

Ps. I am a single mom and don’t get child support and that is still my thought lol

Churches help
Reach out to them instead of him
He’s selfish stop wasting ur time him
File for child support

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It seems fair for y’all to buy for separate households if it’s 50/50, you never know if there’s going to be a list or torn winter article and it’ll be easier for them to already have xyz item at the other home instead of having to bring back and forth.

I also had 50/50 and one winter I bought the coat and the next he did . We never argued over clothes , shoes , etc … kids go through enough with it being two households . They should be able to wear what is there favorites at whichever house they are at . My kids took stuff back and forth some weeks and some weeks they didn’t , if they wanted an extra night at either house they got it , even if they wanted to go on a night that wasn’t their other parents night we let them go … when parents learn to get along for the sake of the child it is so much easier on the kids , even though my ex made more money than I did we also did not exchange child support because we had a 50/50 agreement . I was probably the easiest person to divorce lol I just wanted my kids happy

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That shouldn’t even be ask, he’s your ex he still your daughters father he should provide for her

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Just buy your own and don’t send clothes when they go to his house.

My ex and I have 50/50 and he buys 1 kid and I buy the other lmao tf why would we buy 2 of everything, everything these kids need/have is expensive. He has clothes he keeps at his house and they have their stuff their too… I just wldn send anything at all there if he wanted to be like this lmao

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You are not wrong for asking and he is not wrong for saying no. It would be nice and logical to split everything across the board but sometimes reality and human emotion doesn’t lend to that. Look into a thrift store, consignment shop, online marketplaces, local clothing pantries, or local stores (Burlington, Marshalls, etc.) that still offer layaway options. Hopefully, you will find a way to make your pennies stretch a little further.

My ex did that to me too so I stopped packing bags for her when she went over to stay with him on his days. It’s so stupid but I had to be very petty with him in the beginning until he finally got it through his head how stupid he was being. Now we don’t have this issue and we split everything. I will buy school supplies for her one year and he the next or I’ll buy her school clothes and he’ll get the socks and shoes and backpack and any accessories. I laugh now about how I would have her wait in her room when he came over to take her for his time and he had to bring clothes for her to wear because I would not let her take anything I bought her with her. Crazy days but glad it’s over and we can both be reasonable adults.

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You have 50/50. Buy what they need for your home and he does the same.
Why is that so difficult :joy::joy::joy::woman_facepalming: you cant dictate when he spends his money.
You do you.

We did 50/50 from age 8 to 18 and we didn’t buy double of everything that’s just crazy. She just had clothing at both places. We didn’t make her change outfits and have moms/dads clothes. It’s too confusing.

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I always bought for my house. When they would go to their dads they went in play clothes that I wouldn’t care if they didn’t come back. (I sent them in nice stuff in the beginning but it never would get returned and then I’d see photos of his sisters kids in them.) So I made sure to pick up a hoodie or jacket at the resale kids store and sent them in that rather than their expensive coats or ski suits. But at the end of the day your kids will be the one using the stuff not him.
Also, there are a lot of kids resale stores and sites that you can buy their stuff at for a fraction of the cost.

I have 50/50 with my older kids dad, I buy for my house, he buys for his and the clothes dont get mixed up. We share the cost of school supplies. I buy the jackets and shoes, but that’s only because the boys prefer what I get. One of my kids is in band and I paid for the instrument. It wasn’t ideal, but I’m wont pick fights over it and this way I know my boy has what he needs.

So if you lived in the same house they would have 2?

My ex gets my daughter every fortnight for the whole weekend. He buys what she needs during her stay there and I buy what she needs during her time with me. The only time we spilt costs is when it comes to things such as school fees, extra curricular activities, medical bills etc.

He doesn’t want each of you to buy your own. He wants you to buy everything so he doesn’t have to. File a parenting time agreement that he has to buy seasonal items for 1 child, every season, winter, summer, school etc.

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He needs to have someone explain that 50/50 means you split the costs in half. You are not being unreasonable. It’s dumb to have a set at each house.

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He’s right. You get you stuff and he gets his.

So, when people drop their kids off to the other parent, do they make them take their coat and boots off before getting out of the car? How does this work?

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Maybe he is broke too?

Apply now for help from salvation army and other organizations but yes that’s mean