What should I do about my daughter?

So daughter 21 afraid to drive
Can’t get to work but bf mad she has no job and spends her day in the room
I hired drivers at $60 an hour for her and her brother 18
Bf kicked his kids out at 17
Wants her to go
So much so he hasn’t spoke to ME in 3 days because I said I will drive with her until she gets her license
When is enough
When do you stop doing and let them fend for themselves
He said I want them under my thumb
Well kinda
They cook and clean and put dishes away and do laundry and stay in the rooms
No drugs no danger no drama
I’m lost
I can do it on my own again
Just was hoping this guy was the one that was going to stick around

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. What should I do about my daughter?

She needs to be driving, period

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Your bf sounds toxic. If they help out around the house then there’s no issue. Everyone is not 100% mentally ready to do stuff when society says they should be. Driving is scary. Let them stay with you.

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Your kids come first always no matter what no matter how old. Lose the douchebag

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Keep the kids and lose the bf.

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Like your daughter get a driver’s license kick him out if. He don’t want your kids he’s not worth keeping

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Umm how long has boyfriend of yours been around? If u know he has kicked his own kids out at 17 years old that should’ve told u right away he wouldn’t be a good match for you. Your daughter is afraid to drive and it’s obvious her anxiety is so bad she’s terrified of it. Has she been in a car accident before while being a passenger? If there’s no drugs no danger no drama and your children cook and clean and do their own laundry then your boyfriend needs to hush up and step back cause he’s NOT their parent

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Parenting never stops at 18!! She must have anxiety about driving. Some people like to drive, others don’t. If you are near public transportation like a bus line I would suggest her to use that if you aren’t available to help your daughter. There are other ways to get around.

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kids first. say see ya.

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Listen to a mama in the same boat well kinda . All three of my kids don’t have a license one was 25,22,19 at the time this was 2 years ago . I ran my butt off for them to jobs , school functions anything . My 25 yr old was murdered 2 years ago it broke me and I’m still broke . So I really was trying to keep the other two more dependent on me . Until someone said Tracy one day your gonna die ( I’ve had 2 liver transplants ) your not helping them at all . They will not know what to do after your gone . So now I make them pay rent getting their licenses so far only permits but they are doing it and they are so much more prepared for the world now without me . Get her out now set boundaries get job get place and license in this amount of time . You gotta do it for their sake .

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My question is… why is she afraid to drive? Did something traumatic happen? If she is 21 and is scared, instead of her being pushed and guilted to get her license maybe she should be in counseling. Otherwise, it is fully acceptable to drive her if she is a respectful and grateful person. You don’t just have kids until they are 18. You are their mother for life. I’m not saying drive her around forever but if she is actively working on getting a license or working on her fear of driving, keep doing what you’re doing! :heart: good luck.

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No man should EVER make you choose between them and your kids. Get rid of him and help your kids. Being a parent doesn’t stop at 18

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Nature your children till they leave the nest… they still need their momma… BF come n go, we woman have been doing it all since forever.

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I will do w.e for my kids for the rest of their lives. Fuck a boyfriend honestly!!

Coming from someone who was scared to drive , and only got my license because I ended up having kids , help her with her anxiety. She needs to learn to drive for life in case someone can’t drive her but forcing and pushing her won’t do it.

Your boyfriend is not a good person to be dating if you had kids, sounds like he didn’t even want his own, your not even an adult until 18 but he kicked his out at 17.

Work with your daughter slowly , kick your boyfriend out. Your kids are going to resent you for keeping such an awful man around them.

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Well I don’t blame her. I have to drive and almost everyday I get close to an accident bc crazy drivers. They even yell and cuss and sometimes follow you . It’s scary driving and I hate it. I’d get a driver 8f I had the money. It’s really stressful.

Your bf is a disgusting person. Who TF kicks their kids out that young :weary: I would be getting rid of him not her. Get her into driving school. Why do you need a guy to “stick around” ? You seem desperate and should probably seek therapy

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Wow. I’ve gotten 3 kids driving so far but one who is old enough to drive can’t. She is too anxious. Bf wouldve been out of the house just eluding to me kicking my kids out. What a waste of oxygen. Sorry but I’m not going to choose a man over my kids nomatter what their age.

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Actually everybody needs to go. Sounds like an entire codependent situation all the way around.

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Dude needs to realize they are your children. Always choose your kids over anyone.
Letting go of adult children is hard. Don’t rush it.

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What you choose to do for your kids is your business not his. The “he kicks kids out at 17” tells everything I need to know. Don’t stick around with someone who is pushing you to do what you know to be wrong as a mother simply because you don’t want to do it alone. Your kids come before a man. Period.

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Lose the bf there r others but they r kids and they always come first no matter the age

Sad you put your bf in front of your own child. There are so many reasons why people can’t drive or work. You should be ashamed of yourself as a mother

Kids come first get rid of him!

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Your kids come before ANY man. Fuck that dude.

Your bf is a dick, he’ll drive a wedge between you and your kids if you let him.
Your girl sounds like she may have anxiety, a therapist and possible medication may help with this. She obviously needs help, not kicked out of probably the only place she feels safe. Fuck him off.

Yuck he sounds toxic, essentially making you choose between your kids and him. Parenting doesn’t end just because they legally become an adult. You can try and get her as much help as possible if one of her goals is to drive and you can even setup rules telling her she needs to work, drive, go to school, whatever but to just abandon her like that is cruel.

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So you want to choose a man over your kids? I was way to scared to drive till I was almost 22. I’m 33 now. I still had jobs. I just walked or paid my friends. Or drove on a permit. I mean my ex husband taught me to drive at 18.

Kids are always first! Good luck mama❤
Guys just suck sometimes😔

I wouldn’t let any man tell me what to do with my kids even if the man was their father I am a mother of three two of my adult children live with me the oldest had moved out for a few years and then came back the youngest is 21 and has never left home in this day and age children are staying home longer and I will keep my kids as long as possible especially if they are doing the right thing

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Out of 4 daughters i have 2 that drive and 1 that is in the process of getting her restricted but not t in any hurry really can care less about driving and 1 that won’t drive at 20 because of crippling anxiety over it she got her restricted permit at 16 and hasn’t drove sene she is terrified over it so we simply drive her to work and school and her sisters help me out as single mom on disability i know it is tough but girl send the boy friend packing and possibly seek anxiety counseling for your daughter or just let her be happy not driving she can always Uber or take public transportation if need be.

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BF, can go now. Kids first, I don’t care if they adults. If they aren’t being disrespectful and have goals I don’t see the problem. Kicking children out before they are ready is a generational curse, they will forever be struggling. If the goal is to have them independent then get them that way, but don’t kick them out before they are prepared over a man, who still might leave anyway. He’s just looking for a reason

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Kiddos before any guy that is just me you don’t like me kiddos bye :pleading_face:

I would keep the kids get rid of the boyfriend

My son never learned to drive, no big deal, he took the bus everywhere. He said it wasn’t for him. That was fine with me and that was his biz. He was happy with it and so was I, so?

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I wouldn’t kick my kids out, but at 21 should definitely have a job. Everyone raises their kids different, to each their own.

Are you asking why she’s afraid… or are you to worried about him “leaving”? :roll_eyes:.

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I was afraid to drive until I was 21 and didn’t get my license until I was like 25. I was in a massive car accident when I was in middle school that’s what my fear resulted from. I’m 32 now and have my license but rarely drive…. My husband understands why I don’t like driving and he’s fine with it.

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Don’t pay $60 an hour for a driver when she can use a driving app to get around. She should be in therapy to deal with her fear of driving in the meantime. You should want what’s best for your kids and spending all of their time sitting in their rooms is not what’s best for them. Help them to become productive members of society and help them to explore their interests and hobbies.

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I’m 25 and my dad drive me and my son who’s 3 about until I get mine I’m working on but take me to and from work and nursery if need and I don’t stay with him anymore. Do what best for your kids and not him step up or step down and let a real man love you and your kids zx

Not sure on the back story about them not wanting to drive and paying to have them driven around, but I understand both sides…to a point. Unless it’s something traumatic, I’d say tell them to grow a pair. If so, then he needs to understand. Like I said, more info is definitely necessary. For the ones saying your kids come first, no matter the age, yes, but allow them to grow up. IMO

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When is enough… I think it’s enough for the bf, not so much the kids… I mean encourage your adult children to become more independent… but even as adults don’t choose a man that shitty over them.

Just do what you need to do with yr children the fact yr Asking the question you no the answer don’t let the person yr with tell you " just say this is what yr doing without question it will ease yr heart I no then you can come back together and they will be proud of yr strength of character by example I no from experience if not live separately and do yr kids "

I have severe anxiety and I’ve tried so many times to drive and i can’t. I’m sure she already feels guilty and weak for not being able to drive.
Kids come first. :heart:

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Definitely help her get a job. Get rid of the boyfriend. If you ask his kids I guarantee he was at least emotionally abusive to his kids

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never choose a man over your kids

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Yeah as soon as he suggested I kick out my children he would’ve be gone. My son can live w/ my for as long as he wants. I’m sick of these moms who put men over their children.

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I would most definitely be telling the boyfriend not to let the door hit him on the way out. Most definitely have good kids, even though they don’t wanna drive that is minimal since they are very responsible and help around the house!

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Your kids, your rules. If he doesn’t like it, he can leave. 🤷 We are no longer in the era of “baby bird” parenting. Kicking your children out before they are ready is recipe for failure for them. No matter how old they are. They aren’t harming your life in any way in fact, you said they are helpful.

I didn’t get my driver’s license until I was in my 30s. It’s not as easy for some as it is for others. Anxiety is real.

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Keep the kids, kick the bloke to the kerb. They sound like pretty level headed kids and you sound like a lovely mum. He sounds like an ass!!

Why are people judging her? She’s asking for help. The kids do come first, but they also need to pull their weight like get a job. They need to make effort to move out on their own. If I saw my kid making the effort I will help as much as possible. They need to learn to support themselves, & they can’t do that by sitting around! Now the boyfriend can have an opinion, but he can’t tell you what to do in the end. If he chooses to leave than that’s his loss, and he didn’t love you!! I wouldn’t put my kids on the street. I would make sure they where ready first.

What question is this? Are you asking about patenting or the boyfriend? I have friends whose parents did this and in their 30s they are still completely debilitated. You have to remember, you are raising them so they will be able to leave you. You need to help her work through her fear and get on her feet. As far as the boyfriend, idk about him. Not sure if he really just cares that much and isn’t showing it appropriately, or if he’s controlling. Either way, he’s not handling it well. In the end I say, he’s not wrong, you should be working hard towards helping them achieve independence. However, he’s wrong for making you feel like you have to choose. If he can’t be more respectful of you, your kids and your parenting choices, I’d be done with him.

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Not 1 person comes before my children, yes there should be boundaries and rules for our kids but I’d never kick my kids out for a man(or any other reason) (Even their own father) he can go👋 some might feel differently but this is just my mama bear opinion.

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I’m afraid to drive help her in some sort of way and maybe she need see a. Dr

bring your daughter to work and kick him out :roll_eyes:parenting doesn’t end at 18

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The guy has to go! Your daughter sounds like she’s possibly struggling with severe anxiety. I would recommend maybe getting her into a doctor who can refer her to a specialist.

Your boyfriend sounds like a piece of work… Parenting your children doesn’t stop just because they hit 18… the way I was raised, my kids will ALWAYS have a home with me. It’s their safe space. Your boyfriend needs to go… help your daughter overcome her anxiety if you can. Baby steps. Take her to get her permit and teach her how to drive. Once she gets the hang of it, she’ll love it… or she won’t, but that shouldn’t stop you from helping your sweet girl get back and forth to work… I didn’t start driving til I hit 19, but I had to teach myself because I didn’t have anybody else to teach me. Now, I’m one of the best drivers I know. Even my family and friends say so. I’ve even considered a career driving semi trucks, but with a 7 year old and twins on the way, that’s a bit impossible rn :sweat_smile: good luck, mama!

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Your kids come first regardless of their age, your bf has serious issues if he doesn’t understand that! Maybe your daughter has anxiety some kids with anxiety can’t drive cuz they feel nervous or scared. My sister didn’t get her license until she was 25 after being married with 2 kids. I learned at 16 & taught my daughter the same, but her bf is 22 and he has anxiety & no license yet so my daughter does the driving and is teaching him slowly but surely. Be patient with your kids, sounds like they are helping you around the home & it sux to be an empty nester… my Sister had 4 total, her last two were twins, one of the twins doesn’t like to drive cuz he suffered 2 car accidents (not his fault) so he uses public transportation everywhere & all her kids are out of the home, her oldest is married with his family & lives 4 hours away, her middle son is becoming a Veterinarian Doctor at Oregon State University, one twin is a Marine stationed in SD & the one that doesn’t drive also in Oregon becoming a Pharmacist so she’s an empty nester….her hubby had a stroke last year & is non-verbal, but she does what she can for when all her kids come over & her grandchild. It’s better to be alone safe than with a controlling narcissist! Good luck :four_leaf_clover:

She needs therapy to work through her fears frontal lobe development in her brain isn’t even complete at 21. She could work and Uber until she works through it ? This is your decision not a bf

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Kick his ass to the curb… You’re momma for life regardless of how old your kids are. Help them get on their feet for success.

Your initial question should be : What should I do about my boyfriend?

Not, your daughter.

He shouldn’t come before YOUR KIDS! Kick HIM out!

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He’s definitely toxic and you should not him . My first ex husband said either I punish my daughter that want his or he was gone i said bye I had no idea what happened I was inside with out daughter and they were outside

Let me just say I am 32 and I don’t drive. I just started taking anxiety meds so I can be able to drive. My mom drives me to work or the store, she is also my support buddy because I can’t go into stores alone. Your daughter needs to control her anxiety. Definitely be her support person until she gets there. As long as they help out around the house and stuff I see no issues with them being there until they get where they need to be.

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He’s not wrong in wanting to drive, gets jobs and move out. Time to let them leave the nest

First off, the boyfriend would have to leave before any of my kids would. Second, I understand your daughter’s fear. I was also afraid of driving at that age. I have a bad anxiety disorder so it took me a while to work through some things. Just because she’s not driving now doesn’t mean it’ll never happen.

My granddaughter will be 21 in January, she doesn’t drive,her mom or 19 yo sister takes her to college and wherever she needs to go,she wasn’t diagnosis with ADHD until she was 17, she is on meds for it, but had a fear of driving, and socializing other than that you wouldn’t even know she had a medical condition. Don’t put her out,she might have a medical condition. Kids before men is my motto

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There’s a thin line w enabling and wanting to understand and help . She’s 21 and is an adult. Help her get her license if she doesn’t work toward a goal she will get no where in life . Look at it this way … if you died tomorrow I bet she’d figure a way cause she would have too … as far as boyfriend it’s not his business

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I had a bf once, who told me that I should kick my eldest son out. I wasn’t even living with him (bf). I told him to leave and never come back. He did as I asked, and never saw him again, thank goodness. What right has anyone to come between a mother and her children.

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BF kicked his kids out before they were even legally adults…. I wouldn’t trust his opinion on when it’s time to get them out of the nest. Seems like a selfish irresponsible person to me.

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Never put a man before your kids, obviously he’s a man with no common sense. Seems as tho your daughter is going through some things best to take her to therapy. Good luck ma.

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I got into an accident over a year ago and haven’t driven since. I’m 22 with two kids and a part time job. If a job is the issue just ask her to get one during hours you could give her a ride. That’s what me and my bf do. Plus after a while she might make friends who give her rides home occasionally. It’s okay not to want to drive. It’s sucks sometimes but it’s okay to be scared of driving and not to drive if you don’t feel comfortable. My grandma is 82 and has never driven before :woman_shrugging:t2: if it’s that big of an issue to him then he can leave. It already sits wrong that he kicked his kids out before they were even legally adults :eyes:. That’s a big red flag to me mama.

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Maybe your boyfriend, instead of being a piece of shit, could offer and try to help your daughter learn to drive. I mean that’s real men shit.

Maybe get her a therapist instead to help with her driving phobia. If she’s a good kid and cleans doesn’t break rules why kick her out? She’d probably end up living with drug users cause that’s probably all she could afford without a job. Get to the bottom of the driving phobia instead. My 25 year old brother that had a car and BS degree still lives at home with my mom. He has 2 jobs and never cleans or cooks but pays rent. You don’t need to kick your daughter out, get rid of the bf instead.

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Is it that important to have a man in your life? He’s your problem, not your daughter??

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I mean, you never put a guy before your children, and you don’t take parenting advice from a guy that kicked his out before they were even legally old enough to rent a place….however, kids turn into adults and need to learn to do adult things, like work and grow up. Do you want to have 30 or 40 year old “kids” that you still take care of on a daily basis? They have to become adults and start doing all the stuff that comes with it at some point.

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Unless they are physically disabled, they should know and learn to be independent. I couldn’t imagine having adults who still needed my care. I couldn’t be with someone who didn’t raise adults who could care for themselves. I have children and expect them to be independent at some point. And to the people saying oh it could be a medical issue, excuses. Excuses. Excuses. If you don’t want a relationship and to be single the rest of your life (unless you find a bum) start working on your kids being independent, idk now tho because you’ve conditioned them to rely on you.

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I have PTSD reading this.

No man should ever dictate how you raise your children, or come before them.

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While it’s very easy to say BF is an ass…you also sound very enabling. Our jobs as parents is to help guide them into adulthood. You should want them to stand on their own two feet…and that means either driving or finding other ways to get to and fro (biking or walking or public transportation)
There is absolutely no reason for a 21 year old not to have a job.

I didn’t drive until I was 27. I moved out of my moms at 19 with my two year old. Not driving really held me back. And it was something I never allowed my daughter to do. She was a bit late but got her license at 18.

Try driving in the middle of the night. Far less cars which should ease her fears.

And how is everyone gonna ignore the fact that she’s ok with just staying home and taking care of the house (so she doesn’t have to) This is a codependent relationship if I’ve ever seen one

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Why are you enabling your child to not grow up? If she’s 21, she should either be in school full time to obtain a degree and a good job, or she should be working full time. If she’s done with college, has a degree, but still refuses to work… that’s not your fault. How she gets there, isn’t your problem as much as it is hers. If she is SCARED to drive, send her to therapy. If she’s just too lazy, and it’s more convenient for her because mom won’t make her do anything but the bare minimum… well yeah. Id love that too… but guess what… she isn’t going to have any kind of growth sitting in comfort zone. She’s an adult. It’s time to grow up. There’s a difference between helping and enabling. A difference between can’t and too lazy. So she can’t drive? She has two legs. She can walk. Take an Uber. Carpool with a coworker. Not driving isn’t an excuse to not work. You are enabling the behavior. That’s what your SO is upset about. There’s no boundaries. No rules. No minimum requirements of your kids? Just, do what you want and stay at home. Don’t contribute to the household other than clean up. Um…in my house, that’s an expectation. If you live here, you clean up. They’re not doing YOU favor. You are doing them one by allowing them to live with you rent free. I’d be mad too.

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I’m unsure why men are before kids all of a sudden. Maybe it’s something deeper but why would she bother talking about it when a man is bashing saying to kick her out and you just “hoped” he would stick around. My moms the same way and I resent her so much.

You have an obligation to your children before anyone else. Period.

Never let just a “boyfriend” tell you to kick your kids out especially if they are stepping up in other areas.

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He’s needs to learn your enabling them and have their whole lives :weary: so this is why they’re like this! He either accepts it or leaves :woman_shrugging:t2:

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IDK if your boyfriend lives with you, if he does, my first order of business would be to throw HIS ass out. He sounds like a selfish jerk.

I’d get rid of dude before anyone else. The kids are always gonna be yours. Dudes temporary.
The kids do need to get jobs tho. Or Atleast the 21 year old. Buses and ubers are available for if and when you can’t take her. Her not wanting to drive isn’t the worst thing in the world. My grandma never wanted to drive, never did her whole 64 years.

You are right you can do this on ya own tell him to do one

Always put your kids first. Dont listen to him and do right by your kids they’ll always need you at the end of the day.

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Sounds like the boyfriend needs to go🤷🏻‍♀️

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Always put your children WELL BEING first.

But what your are doing is NOT benefitting them…it’s enabling them.

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Sounds like she doesn’t mind cleaning. Have her get a job with a cleaning service. Where I live they all drive together. You could drop her at the driver’s house and pick up end of shift. Before long I’m sure her co workers will be picking her up.

Kids come first but don’t enable hire a driving instructor to teach her to drive , she can take a bus , where there is a will there is a way !

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He wants you to prioritize him over your kids. 18 is only legal for court, not necessarily ready for life, they should be grateful to you for nit tossing them. I left at 13 because I HAD to get away, my daughter is 20, shes in college and works and pays her own car and ins. Many have said she’s old enough. I say not yet, respectful, helpful, no drugs. She can stay until she can swing 6 mos rent up front and have 6 mos bills saved and has a solid career, I know why I had my kids and what I want for them to be able to live independent happy lives, my job isn’t complete yet. Toss that guy, your kids are forever

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Get rid of him ! Sounds like a right wanker!

This guy doesn’t seem to be the right one for you, any man would go an teach the kids himself to drive, he seems lazy? If he wants it done so bad why not try to be apart of this big moment and abusive by purposely manipulating you by not talking to you so you cave into his ways . Those are your kids they’ll come first before any man

Ditch the controlling unsympathetic boyfriend and get the daughter some help so she desires to leave the nest and is able to do it comfortably as possibly when YOU AND HER decide.

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Get rid of him and then work on getting your kids out to

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Always pick your children.

Im 38, I have never driven. My first job was the town over from where I live, I was 14. I got there on my own, whether I walked, rode a bike, or in exceptionally bad weather I would sometimes call a cab. As parents it’s our jobs to raise our children to be healthy, independent, happy, and successful members of society. Unless your kids are seriously disabled there’s really no excuse for them to be so dependent on you to live. What would happen to them if you dropped dead today? You “helping” them now, is only preventing them from moving forward in life. Your daughter has 2 legs, and a brain- as you stated she does very basic housework so she could clean houses, she could be a dishwasher at a restaurant, she could be a bagger at a grocery store. Your children NEED to be more independent, you are only hindering their development. I can understand your boyfriend’s POV but his process is just as extreme as yours. He can gtfo.

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