I apologize in advance for the length of this post. I would just like some outsider advice… Starting in July of 2021, I started talking to a guy (let’s call him John) … well we were in the ‘talking stage’ went out on one date, talked for a few more weeks and then he basically ghosted me. (His reason today for this is that he knew he had nothing to offer me, and I wouldn’t want him). I’m a female in my twenties, I have a good job, my own house, I am in college, and I do not have any kids. Now keep in mind that we went to high school together and have grown up around the same crowd. He has been single for nearly three years, except for a fling that only lasted two months, shortly prior to me coming along. Well, skip ahead a few months after we are officially dating, my intuition kept telling me that he was hiding something… the things he would tell me just did not add up, and he always came up with things at the top of his head. Like the people we would go see were for him to ‘collect his money that he had loaned them however many days prior.’ Well, I finally figured out that he is an addict. Well, he has been sober since the end of 2021. I didn’t get to see him much and honestly it had gotten to the point to where I couldn’t stand him and didn’t even want to be around him. So I ended things in January and for the most part, we didn’t have any contact. I even deleted him and blocked him on all social media… We eventually start talking again and this time things are going great. He hasn’t been as needy and smothering as before, and it seems like he had accepted the things I told him and had changed a little, for the better. Well here recently, I have been having a very hard time trusting him, with infidelity and the pill issue… Within the past month, we had a really bad couple of days… And I mean, I cried more each day and when he seen me crying, he did absolutely nothing to try to resolve the issue. He manipulated me every time he opened his mouth, and gaslighted me twice as bad. I felt like I was walking on eggshells, and as soon as his mood would improve, it’s like the flip of a switch and he was mad again. I wanted him to hit me so that I could have a reason for him to leave. He lives with me, he has nowhere to go, he does not have a vehicle, but he does have income and somewhat contributes to the household financially. I know that it is not my responsibility that he has somewhere to sleep and a way to get there, but I feel bad because I am tender hearted. My brother and SIL do not like him at all for me. (The three of us are VERY close, and their opinion weighs heavily on me.) I know I deserve better than he has ever given me and better than what he is currently giving me. I have been in a DV relationship and alienated from my family, and I feel that this relationship is going down the same road. But I am trying not to compare my current relationship to my pasts.
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. What should I do about my relationship?
Walk away. Live is too short n passes us by too fast. Be alone before being in a relationship like this
If you need somebody to say it then I will but you already know walk away and don’t look back
You already know he is toxic, you have called his behaviour out in this post. Why, if you know it’s poison, would you continue to drink it? There is nothing positive in this situation and ending it and asking him to leave is your safest option. If he’s not on any lease/mortgage, he has no grounds to stay and if he proves difficult to leave, you can have police escort him out.
U need to kick him out.
Girl you are being used! Put his stuff on the porch, change the locks. You can not change or save him. He is making his own choices. God bless.
Train wreck !!!
Not your job to sort him out red flags !!!
Never let a toxic person in. Especially not letting them move into your home. He has you right where he wants you. Your tender heart will get you nothing but pain.
Walk away. You are responsible for his choices, housing etc. these types grab capable women and drag them down. Know and believe that you deserve and will do better.
You are too young and have too much going for you. Please get out asap. Trust me from experience you will NEVER fully trust him. Just end it before it goes too far and kids are involved.
Say goodbye. You are ready
Not married, no kids with him,this is very easy,tell him to GTFO
Cut ties, your intuition was right when you thought he was hiding something before, if your gut is telling you something bad will happen it’s better to listen to it.
I don’t want to be harsh, but ￼Honestly it sounds like to an extent he is just using you at this point￼
Get him out of your house, cut ties, and don’t look back.
The question is more do you love him? Do you want to try to help him? An addict is a stressful relationship… and he can always fall back into it… it sounds like he is using you from your post.
You NEED to kick him out hun for your safety and well being. He clearly does not care enough so why should you. I know it’s hard but usually what’s best is always hard to do.
It is not our job to fix people. They need to want to. Change. A toxic person will stay toxic. You know the answer, you just need to be strong with what you chose. Trying to fix him can leave you feeling broken.
Kick himvout he is a pos
Cut him off. He KNOWS you are tender and care and that’s the only reason you are in his picture at all
Evict him. Stop acting like you don’t have a way to get out when you do. you are owning your house which is in your name your own vehicle your own job and you can legally get him out if you wanted to. Put your big girl panties on and kick him and change the locks on your house and do not accept anymore money from him for any bills.
Get rid of him. Trust your instincts!
His mood swings make it seem like he’s not clean and I always tell anyone unless an addict has been clean for at least a year you don’t want to get involved. It’s risky and they will be going through a lot of ups and downs. And I say this as a former addict myself that’s been clean for 8 years
As many red flags this guy is showing (and indicates you need to leave asap) you wanting him to hit you for an excuse to leave is also a red flag and it’s quite concerning. Why do you feel you need that to happen in order to leave?? That’s not normal thinking
You have come to far and have too much to offer to continue. It’s best to leave and move on for good
Follow your instinct. That’s your protection.
The reason he flips from being nice to not nice is probably because he is jonesing Addicts do that even after they are clean for a while but most soon or later go back to it. Leave him. Things will only get worst for you. This kind of relationship is very toxic.
I think you answered your own question. Now it’s time to get a strategy together with the support of your loved ones to get him out of your home. Stay safe.
Trust your instincts…
he sounds like a narcissist n if so u need to get him out asap
Red flag city, get him out, you deserve way better
How foolish can you be he will never change he knows he has you wrapped a leopard never changes its spots get rid now you have a lot more to live for and alot more to give to a REAL man who is worthy of you
I couldn’t even read it all… pills & infidelity? Started back talking? WHY?
You say you got it together, but clearly you need to seek therapy to understand why you refuse to believe him when he shows you who HE IS! Run, don’t walk, or you’ll end up miserable and mistreated. He’s TOXIC. He’s trying to hook you so you can be his place to land. He will drain you – mentally, emotionally, physically and anything with monetary value too. Also, I doubt he’s clean, he’s got a ton waving at you. Open your eyes!
Don’t be a sucker!
Stay away from fixer uppers!!!
You’re both toxic af.
Him for being a dirtbag loser and you for saying shit like ‘i wanted him to hit me…’
How about putting your big girl panties on and telling him to leave.
Cut ties, evict him, move on. Sounds like he’s not sober currently. I’ve dealt with this behavior from family members that I no longer speak with. He needs to stand on his own and you being tender hearted is nice because more people need to be but there’s a difference between giving what you can and giving to your own detriment. I had to find this out with someone I called a best friend that I had to stop giving so much. Good luck.
You are young…ask yourself if this is how you really want to live the rest of your life? Seems like a lot of headaches and heartaches to me.
Show him the DOOR. DONT WAIT TILL HE ROBS YOU…he won’t change and u can’t change him
He’s mood swings is withdrawals. Being happy one minute pissed off the next. I been an addict for over 10 years been clean a little over 3. The bad moods is him coming down off his high or him not having anything at all. I would be very careful in this situation because eventually he will start stealing from you, pawning your belongings to get his fix. He hasn’t been clean long enough to fully trust like that. Anyone in recovery knows your not suppose to be in a relationship until after your over a year sober. I would boot him out. Not your problem he has no where to go
He warned you in the beginning . Addiction is hard … he has to want it bad enough not you not family not kids can help period . I struggled my whole life with addiction . We do recover only if WE WANT TO. He’s gonna have to hit rock bottom really hard …: my suggestion is leave him be . He’s not your responsibility . Let him thump that bottom … tell him if In a year he’s sober you will think about having a relationship or moving back In if you really honestly love him you will use tough love period . Move fast ! for you and him I am 3 years 8 months sober !
Go to Al-Anon meetings, if you aren’t already. They’re for friends and family of alcoholics and other addicts. There are in-person and virtual meetings all the time.
The first red flag I see is how quickly he jumped back into a relationship. Programs such as AA and NA (Narcotics Anonymous) recommend a bare minimum of 6 months if not 1 year of sobriety before beginning a romantic relationship. This is important time for the addict to focus on sobriety and personal growth.
Gaslighting is never ok. You mentioned you’ve been in an abusive relationship before. I recommend individual therapy to learn why you choose the men you choose. You also need to kick your bf out. Living together is hurting both of you. He needs to take responsibility for his life and his sobriety. You need to let him stand in his own while you heal. You want your next relationship to be healthy, loving, respectful.
You deserve better. You shouldn’t be “walking on eggshells” in a relationship. You don’t want it to come to that point where he puts hands on you. You didn’t need him before , you don’t need him now!
Now tell me why you’re so young and accomplished for your age and settle for much less than you deserve. Kick him out and never speak to him again.
When someone shows you who they are believe them the FIRST time. We HAVE to do a better job of not just seeing the signs but following through with them. You know what you need to do. Good luck sweetheart
You need run as fast as you can. I don’t say that often but, you are at the beginning & seeing all the red flags.
Sweetheart I’m sorry but you should let him go❤️
Get out. Now. Be kind to yourself. You deserve better.
Massive red flags you worth soooo much more hun and you know it
Run the other way now! Your gut instinct is not going to lie. I was told once that crazy people can hide their craziness from 1yr to 1 1/2yrs. If they show you red flags or crazy before that then they are extremely crazy and run away as fast as you can.
Know your value and do not let anyone demish it. You seem to have worked hard to be where you are. He sounds like a guy who needs a relationship to have a place to live. Girl do not get caught up in his drama he clearly isn’t ready to be with anyone who has it together, let that fool loose…
Been there done that even got the t-shirt for it… he’s more than likely using again & if you don’t put him out he WILL drag you down with him. Know your worth… You deserve better. You can’t help an addict that doesn’t want to be helped. Good luck!!
Please just end it and tell him he needs to find somewhere else to go and leave you alone. This sounds like a huge waste of your precious time here on Earth. You sound like you have your life pretty well together for yourself, don’t let this guy suck your energy and resources from you, as I’m sure you would look back in 5 or 10 years and realize all of your struggles with this man would not be worth it. IMO I think you should just worry about making yourself happy and find a new guy in the future that has his life together like you, or at least a plan and isn’t struggling with addiction and lies.
So many bad things in this but wtf!!! You want him to hit you so you can get him out ??? What kind of person are you ??? Tell him it over and he needs to go ! Dude has probably had quite a hard life already and you want him to go to jail just so you can have your house back
Girl kick him out,block & delete him from your life and then change your locks. Actually do that first.
Nope. End it. Nothing good will come of it.
Feeling sorry for someone is no reason to stay in a relationship I wish my brother could understand that I tell him he doesn’t owe her nothing but she’s so toxic she has no friends and no where to go and she will take him down with her get out now while you still can
I’m sorry you wanted him to hit you? Wtf
Why are you even interested in this guy? He’s trouble looking for a place to happen.
Just tell him things aren’t working and he has to go
I have been in a relationship like this, get out, im telling you it gets no better only worse, please get him out before it gets worse
So when he has drugs he is good to you and when he does not he belittles you and then you probably take your hard earned money and buy his drugs… Girl run they ain’t no dick that good
Get out - tell him to leave - he is grown- not your job to raise him.
why are you still there RUN now RUN FAR
The comparison is there because of the red flags and warning lights.
Kick his ass out before he gets you pregnant and you have real problems. He’s a user… those types of people don’t change. He somewhat supports the bills… but he can’t pull his full weight. He is a dependent, on you, and drugs. Even if he gets sober, there’s always potential for relapse. It’s why I don’t even bother with those kinds of guys anymore, no offense. Was in 2 relationships in which they had been sober and relapsed. It’s just too hard on the other person.
Whooo that’s a heavy load, and I’m sorry.
You answered your own question there in the end.
- “I know I deserve better.” Period
- “I have been in a DV relationship…and I feel like this relationship is going down the wrong road.” Yes you CAN absolutely compare your current relationship to last relationships when it comes to red flags.
My suggestion would be to call the sheriff and tell them you are kicking your boyfriend out and need their assistance. (Hopefully he’s not on paper anywhere with lease/mortgage/bills). Then let him know he’s out. Now.
I love you but I love ME more. Good luck. Don’t call don’t write, don’t visit.
Something in your relationship isn’t sitting right. It’s ok to be done just because you’re done! We all deserve peace. But most of us stand in our own way.
Love, I have BEEN THERE! And let me tell you, it doesn’t get better. You need to get him out of your life.
Make him leave and don’t ever take him back
So many red flags. You don’t need to raise him nor be responsible for him. Get out while you can relatively intact. Sounds like he might be dealing. You don’t want to lose your house because of him.
Krissy RaNae Towery sound familiar?? I mean not exactly but kinda
Look if you’ve started to compare this relationship to the past one it’s already time to split. Also if the dude’s heart is as closed as you seem to indicate I’d not suffer any longer.
Kick him to the curb
Food for thought… most the time addicts are self medicating so unless he is getting psychological and psychiatric help its only gonna get worse
Take care of yourself he is not your responsibility don’t feel bad for putting him out of your life you’ll never find the right one with him in your life good luck and God bless
Girl get yourself another man.
your job is not to fix poorly adjusted men. cut him loose.
Men only change for one woman. If he isn’t changing for you then you aren’t the “one”.
Get real woman and get rid of him for gods sake
You need to get rid of him. You don’t trust him and no one can make a happy Union if you don’t have trust. He is using you for a free load. You will be with a drug addict and will not work.
You deserve better. Red flags galore here. Red flags will show you how you’ll break up eventually most of the time.
Honey, get him out. He’s no good for you. You have too much to offer in the way of personality and good attitude to put up with the likes of him. Get your brother to help if necessary, but get him out of your house.
I believe you have gotten yourself in a bad situation. I’m actually afraid for you. He is not going to want to give up a place to sleep and transportation, and his anger is even scarier. You have too much going for yourself to allow yourself to be in a situation like that!
For goodness sake be self caring
I dont think its healthy for you to go through all of this. And if he is early in recovery he shouldn’t be in a relationship.
Get him out of there. No matter if he is a up front or closet addict with his unpredictable behavior he could be dangerous and flip on you bad any minute. I can’t believe you actually said you “want” him to hit you……WHAT… are you nuts! You need to get yourself together girl and get your self respect back. You sound like a young lady with your stuff together until this loser came along. Come on, you’re better than this. If you stay with this weirdo you will probably get your wish and maybe worse…he may hurt you bad, of course that will be after he takes you to the cleaners. Pull your head out of your rump and get your life back before it’s too late
If this is your second time dating and he still isn’t contributing anything positive to your life you need to walk away from him. It’s your house so tell him he has x ammt of days to pack his stuff and get out. If he has a job there is no reason why he can’t get his own place or find a friend to stay with, etc. He obviously has some issues that he needs to work out but that isn’t your responsibility to fix–it’s his. And staying in this longer is only prolonging the inevitable. These relationships only get worse. It’s when they feel comfortable that the gaslighting and mistreatment starts. You need to put your foot down and show yourself some love. You can’t allow this guy to keep disrespecting you. It’s not okay and deep down you already know that. It’s better to be alone than be with the wrong person. All this time you spend with mr wrong is just preventing you from finding someone who actually IS worthy of your love and attention.
you need to really make him get out of your house and why is because if one minute he is nice then the next he is mean he is either doing drugs or he is doing something else. It going to only get worse for you.
I was engaged with an opioid addict for 3 years… Sounds like you ended up with him… I’m kidding… You need to leave his ass like I did!
Get rid of that trouble and I mean he is BIG trouble!
Ditch him now, get him out of your house
He is making your life miserable, get him out of your life for good . You you need or deserve this thing in your life .
He’s a grown man that brings nothing to your table. Move on and find someone that augments the person you are.
A millionmillion more men out there. Donot try to fix this guy. Save your energy for a better choice
What if he is still on drugs and selling? Where is his income coming from? If he gets busted IN YOUR HOUSE, guess what? You are in trouble also and your life will be a living hell for awhile. Something to think about!
If you even have to question it, I think there’s your answer. Leave. And it’s not even the fact that he’s an addict because I was once there. It’s that he’s already manipulating and gaslighting you and making you feel you have to walk on eggshells in YOUR house. That is not how things work. I know it’ll hurt, but put yourself first.
LEAVE HIM! Before you end up pregnant!! He’s literally no good for you, you can find better men I promise you!
He has to change for his self not for you.Dont feel guilty over him not having a place to go.He needs to leave.If he was serious about getting off drugs it would of happen already. So let him go.
You definitely need to start running in the opposite direction before he has your mind all twisted and then he has you trapped in hell. You definitely don’t need this kind of guy in your life. It’s time to ask him to leave and I bet your brother and SIL will definitely back you up.
You should NEVER wish that you get hit!!! That is past the point of return and a road that just shouldn’t be traveled!!! You don’t need an excuse to get rid of him…you had your life put together well…he doesn’t fit what you need…he needs to go! Trust me he will find someone somewhere to catch him…they always do!
Honey, a man doesn’t have to hit you for it to be a bad relationship or give you a reason to end it. It sounds like you have a great support system with your siblings, utilize that! End it before it gets worse.