Needing some advice torn on what to do. I left my kids father back in october. We have a 4yo boy and 2yo girl together. since being gone he will take the 4yo boy pretty much everyday when not at work as my grandma watches them while we work. I pay her 320 every two weeks for their care. He does not pay any of it. He will take the 2yo for like 2 or 3 hours every other week ish. I see my 4yo son like once a week bc I’m afraid of him and he will come banging on my door if i have him longer then he wants. I reached out to an advocate who immediatly started the child support process. I did not want this as my EX will FREAK out when he finds out and has threatened me if I were to file that they would either have only one parent or i would have to hide forever. I do not want his money however I do want to see my son at least 50/50 but he is a narc and will not work with me. I’m not sure if i should cancel the child support order for my saftey but the legal team isn’t really helping me unless i want to file a protective order and all i wanted to do was get a custody ordery with both of us in place… my family is bugging me to go through with the child support but im SCARED.
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. What should I do?
He is YOUR son, who YOU gave birth to. You put him first always. I’d do anything to protect my son and keep him with me
Think of your son. The more time he spends with your ex, the mire time he has to be taught your e 's ways…
Keep him on child support, do a parenting plan. If he has threatened you, then probably get an order.
If all this is going on and you’re this fearful, why would you not go with the protective order?!
Safety is number one. Court orders are just paper. Have plans in place to protect you and your kids.
I didn’t want child support or my lawyer paid either…. It was included while going to court bc it becomes a bargaining chip.
Get a protective order asap also you need to learn how to shoot, get a carry permit and get you a gun. I do not play with that threatening BS.
It sounds like the is is stuff you should have a paper trial of and a restraining order or an order of protection. For not just your safety but your childrens.
Plus, let him get mad and say some stupid things about it and make sure to document it all. He’ll make himself look bad in the courts.
You’re still letting him manipulate you !! Get a custody and child support order in plce
Go for court ordered child support and child custody. If u feel threatened, go for an order of protection. Only communicate thru text and keep it just about the children, nothing else. Screenshot all messages so he can’t delete them, document everything, and keep ur phone away from him at all times so he can’t delete any evidence u have on there. I’m not sure if this is legal where u live, but if so, record all exchanges as well.
Get support and a court order saying that you have split custody (I’d ask for sole custody and give him access visitation a d supervised visitation) or else he can take your little one and there is nothing you could do about it
Protect your self, protect your child and for God’s sake be the parent the child needs and dont leave him in the care of someone like that
You need to file for support. You put your child first. Not your ex. You can get legal protection in place.
Get the law on your side, first. Establish custody and protect your child and yourself.
Go through with it , u deserve help and if he scares u her a protective order ! And unless he wants to spend the rest of his life in prison I wouldn’t worry ! He is trying to control you with your son !!!
Your exs feelings are NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY
Think of ur son he more then likely wants to see u more too and more importantly needs his mama…continue the process and if he comes banging on ur door call the cops everytime to build a case towards him have threatening text or vm as well it’s scary but narcissistic ppl do this to scare u to have control
Take notes on EVERYTHING he does and says, all and any threats, etc. Save texts and file a protective order. If you hv text messages or voice-mails with him threatening you then use those. He has two kids with you but will only take his son mostly not ok. Do whats best for you and your kids not him.
- Document everything! This is very important (use a calendar, journal, etc. and document pick up times, drop off times, text messages, threats, etc. If he’s having a babysitter or grandma watch the children, on which days also document that stuff too. And if you pay for the babysitter write checks for it showing YOU are the one paying the childcare bills.
- Transitions (pick up/drop offs) always at a public place such as the police station or somewhere with cameras - esp if you’re scared.
- If you go through the legal process of custody orders etc. then more then likely they will automatically calculate child support. This is normal in the process and too bad if he doesn’t like it.
- If you are scared, you need to get a protective order and again back to point #1. Documentation is key in case it goes in front of a judge and needs to be used in any legal proceedings you MUST have proper documentation for proof. Do not tell him you are documenting everything either.
Why would you get child support if you only see your child once a week? I would definitely go for partial custody though.
I would go contact a women crisis center. They can help you if you are scared. They help fill out and file restraining orders. If you are a fraud and he is threatening you that is not right. Don’t let him manipulate you. You guys aren’t together anymore you have a right to do what’s best for your kids and you.
Take the texts and get a restraining order. And a custody order.
He’s playing a dangerous game and it’s time you stop acting afraid and fight.
Just do it!!! You cannot let him rule your life. If he keeps up threats, etc the system will deal with him
Best to get a BETTER lawyer and a restraining order. If you have proof of him threatening you I recommend using it. Take the child support
Get a protective order and fight to get that baby back. Also, it sucks to go down this route but get a concealed carry permit and PROTECT you and your children. Don’t let that coward keep your baby.
I would file a protective order for you and the kids
Do it then ask the courts for the safe texting app. He would only be able to contact you through that app so if he starts talking crazy then you have proof. Also, keep a tape recorder on you every time you see/meet him and make the police station a pickup/dropoff safe spot as needed. I wouldn’t ever just roll over because think of what he might put your kids through. Fight and fight like hell’
Go to court and do all three. I feel you on this dayum if you do dayum if you don’t. Just make sure the restraining is the first
Children need both parents in their lives … but if one of those parents is violent, it’s a whole new ball game.
Bottom line, the safety and well being of the children holds priority over anything else. Both parents should contribute to the financial support, regardless of custody or visitation options.
I think if I were you, I’d contact an attorney, and I would contact the police. He is trying to bully you out of seeing your children, by threatening your safety/life. Contact an attorney to find out what your legal options are in your state.
Girl, its not about your x, its about your children.
It’s the trauma holding you back. You need to notify the police of his threats so it’s on record, and let child support AND that protective order happen.
You’re in a fog right now, please listen to professionals. I fucked up my entire life and lost my kids to their dads because I was stuck in the fog. Please please please listen to them.
Ok am I missing something. They share a 4yr boy & 2 yr girl. Yet he only wants the boy?? Why? I understand 2 and a girl but so what?
Don’t let him be in control of your life. Get that restraining order girl and get your kid back. Women’s domestic violence groups in your area will help. Document everything in a journal and save your texts and email them to yourself
It sounds like you’ve been threatened so you do need to file a protective order as well as the custody and child support orders. It sounds like he’s taking the son from your grandma without your permission and not allowing you equal access even though there is no ordered child custody arrangements. If he’s deemed violent then he will likely get limited access to the children under supervised visits. Document all threats if possible through text or video or voice mail.
You need to get a protective order and tbh it sounds like you should get one for your kids too. If he’s like what you say he has no business being around those kids and with your son being with him he will pick up on that behavior. Protect those kids first and foremost mama. Hugs
Child’s safety and feelings always first. His feelings/anyone elses and reaction are not your responsibility.
Id get a protective order. Even tho it is just a piece of paper… the first time he tries to make contact with you he will be in trouble. And I’d also document everything. Buy a cheap planner and literally document everything that happens between him and you every day. I’d also write down everyday you have your kids and for how long, etc. Save all receipts on what you spend on them etc. You’d rather be overly prepared than not prepared enough. Sending you prayers and good vibes. No one deserves that kind of stress.
So this guy is threatening and seems dangerous but you want him to share custody?
Child support does NOT set up visitation or custody orders. They are completely separate at least in Ohio. In Ohio the Child is born to the mother and she has full custody and the father must file for visitation. Find out your state rules. He sounds like someone who likes to control women. Take your son back and make him file for visitation. Stop allowing him to mentally abuse your 2 year old by not taking her.
I know you’re scared, but do not allow someone like this to intimidate and take control of your life. It’s in both your best interest & the children’s to go through with a legal custody agreement and child support. Imagine if he “tried something” and you had zero legal documentation to support you. You can file for a protective order and choose a 3rd party to help exchange the children. Document EVERYTHING. Only communicate my text. You’ve got this.
First, don’t allow fear to dictate your life. Second…lawyer up… he’s trying to scare you. Document everything and turn it over to your attorney. Record conversations and keep all texts and msgs.
Go thru with the child support case…but get a protective order for you and your children. Make sure your attorney is aware of all threats and that he is keeping your son from you. You have to establish sole custody…and he needs to treat both of his children in the same way…being neglectful of his daughter is abuse plain and simple
My ex is a narc as well we have a child together. He didn’t help at all during my pregnancy ans afterwards. I did all the work .I knew my ex is a pos so I filed for primary physical custody when my son was born. That way he can’t take him ans never bring him back and we set certain days ans times for him to see our son. I tried to have him help with the cost of diapers and formula etc when our son was a baby but he wouldn’t so I had to go to the court house and apply for child support. Yes he was angry. Always have your children on court papers because you never know what your boyfriend or girlfriend or spouse will do to get back at you. I always plan ahead of time before bad things could happen. My ex abused me before during and after pregnancy . Things finally stopped when our son was 2 years old and I found a man who treated my son and me good. The only abuse I got from my ex then was verbal/emotional instead of physical. You and your child will be better off if you apply for custody and child support. I know it’s scary but you got this. You are brave.
Get the help you need and get protective order. Go to the police with your concern. With his attitude and threats you have to wonder if he has ever been in trouble… of so this would be helpful. Does he do drugs or drink? Call and report to CPS and they may remove son from him
Protective order first. You do not have to live in fear. Please let them help you!
If you’re scared WHY are you letting that baby near him at all tell the police you’re scared tell the advocate your scared. Do everything. She started the process already so he’s gonna find out so now would be time to speak up and say “IM SCARED” to anyone and everyone. Also if you have proof he’s said this show law enforcement cause that alone is likely enough for a protection order
Who has custody of your son are you paying them child support?
You need to file and also tell the police he is mean to you and you need help
If you are scared and feel threatened by him I wouldn’t be letting him have your son all the time. If he has your son most of the time and takes it to court he may get full custody of him due to caring for him more than you are( meaning overall hours per week). You need to get a court order of residence for your children, that way if he doesn’t return your son it would be classified as kidnapping. If there’s no order and he doesn’t return your son the police can’t help as it’s equal rights for both parents without a court order. Once you have the order then visitation orders will be arranged through courts but you atleast know your child will be returned. Make sure you document every threat with days, dates and times and report it to police so you have a case. You need to speak to police asap about a restraining order due to your fear of this man and explain everything he’s said and done to you and ask for it to be recorded on the system so when there’s enough evidence they can act on your behalf. You need to protect your children and yourself. Good luck mumma
Custody and child support are established in two different venues. Establishing a custody order first would determine who will be the domicile and custodial parents. If he has your child more then he could easily put a child support order on you… oh
Put on your big girl panties and move forward.
Protection order and full custody. You don’t want him hand grooming your son to be just like him. He can do visitations.
Keep his texts and record any of his outbursts towards you, your kids SHOULD NOT BE NEAR HIM AT ALL
Get a lawyer and if your that scared of him then he dosent need to be near those kids in my opinion.And if he is watching one more than the other that’s not right either.Get a protection order against him if you r scared for your life.If he is making threats.Go through with the custody for yalls safety and even tho your scared don’t do 50/50 he could run with the kids if he is already making threats
You need the courts involved so he can’t manipulate you any further. Courts Lay down the expectations and rules and guidelines and if he doesn’t follow them he will have consequences. He has you scared to not doing the right thing for yourself or for the kids. Please allow the advocate to do their job and help you and your kids
Take his narcissistic a$$ threw the ringer
There no way he deserves for yoh to take it easy on him, if yr actually that scared get a lawyer and protect you and yr kids future
Time to step up and stop putting his feelings before yrs and yr kids
Honestly if you’re that scared I’d follow through with the protective order. Also child support has nothing to do with visitation. It will not jump start any of that. You need to get custody started though if he has threatened you and keep this all documented! I have a permanent restraining order against my ex and I have no regrets. We have 3 children and not having him in my life has given me so much better. When you do go to court for the visitation schedule you will need a clear and precise layout on how and when everything will happen. Holidays, special days, all of it will have to be clearly stated so there is no way it can be manipulated because he will. Favoring one child over the other will not loom good on his part either. These are scare tactics. My ex used to say he’d kill himself before paying me child support. Guess what he actually got a good job for once in his life and pays.
Go through child support and get the protective order too.
No, you shouldn’t cancel the child support case. In addition to the child support case, you should file for custody and visitation.
I would also consider the option of a restraining order. He will still be able to see his children, but it would go through a 3rd party… like a family member or friend.
At this point, he could take one or both of the children and disappear and there isn’t much you could do about it. If there is a custody/visitation order in place, and he violates that, he will end up in jail. Protect yourself and your babies. Get to the court house ASAP to file the custody, visitation and support petitions.
By all means, try to co-parent, but it doesn’t sound like he will make it easy. Those are your children as well as his, but the whole banging on the door because he thinks you’ve had your child longer than you need to? No. Next time that happens, I would call the police.
GET THE RESTRAINING ORDER. I know it’s just a piece of paper, but every single time he violates it, call the cops. It will show a pattern/history, and benefit you in the long run.
Get the child support going. Get this fruit loop under a protective order. He’s not as tough as he thinks he is. A little jail time will do him good.as long as he’s got you scared he’s free to blow the child support money on what ever he pleases. Do whatever you have to do to make him support his child. Most all the real bad bits are already in the cemetery.
You get that restraining order. You get child support. Stand up for yourself. I get that fear, but you need to put your kids before that fear.
Get the protective order and seek sole custody. Do you want your son to grow up to be like his father?
file a protection order!!! Are you insane then go and buy yourself a gun and learn how to use it. He could take both kids and try to disappear… he could hurt them, or you. You need to take action NOW to protect yourself and your children
You need to file for immediate temporary custody until you can get a court date to get permanent custody. If you’re that scared of your ex why are you letting him around your children? Follow through with that order of protection and include your children in that order. Also get a no contact order. Some states require both. And finally, get child support.
If he has threatened you call the police and get a protective order. Let him know that he can’t manipulate you and control you
Get the protective order, continue with the child support, maybe try to get sole, and if I were you….I’d get a 9mm and start practicing with it ASAP. protective orders are good but it can only save you from so much.
If youre scared that is the reason to go through with the order. Simple
Go for at least split custody, then he won’t have a choice… and my God if he’s threatening to kill you do something about it !!! Protect yourself - those babies need a mom…
Go through with it. He has no right to do that to you or your kids, that is unhealthy for the kids.
I don’t see any grounds for protection order unless you start calling the police when he shows up to your house threatening you and/or have previous documentation of things like this. If there’s no order, I would not allow him to take the children. Especially just one of them. File for custody asap and yes he should be on support.
Go through w the child support and go to court. If he doesnt want to be apart of their lives just to manipulate you, you and the kids are better off without him. Also maybe a restraining order
Get your son back and when he comes for him tell him NO and if you have to call the cops immediately document document everything and video it call the cops have them put it on record but fight for your kids fight for your son stand tall mama it’s going be a tough battle￼￼
Honestly, most people who like to threaten that heavily are cowards and won’t actually follow through with it.
However - you shouldn’t call his bluff.
Take some self defense classes, prepare yourself for the worst.
Might get attacked for this advice - but get some sort of weapon AND learn how to use it properly!
File a protective order (but if he is serious, these don’t really help because nothing is acted on until something has already happened - hence the advice to take some self defense classes).
Once all that is set and you feel confident that you can protect yourself, move forward with custody and child support.
If he continues to make threats and/or actually attempts to harm you, document the hell out of everything.
File for all three immediately .
I’m almost there with you only I do not live threatened. I refuse to live that way. I keep him in my Sons life as long as he is ok in every aspect. We do not live together. If I see any kind of aggression there goes the cut off point. I’m not doing it. I’ve dealt with enough in 5 years and I refuse to live a wreck in a life that isn’t meant for me. Take control of your life. Do not allow him to see or feel your fear! Get yourself together girl. You got kids and time is flying!
Anyone that knows about this sort of abuse this man do NOTcare about orders, she is high risk, so are the kids. So if that was me, I would contact women against violence, take their advice, too many kids and partners get killed because of this exact situation
If you are scared, your son may be too. Do what you must to protect them. Be brave for those babies.
Go through the courts…and document everything…
If you or your kids are afraid of or in danger of this man in any way you need to take legal action to protect you and especially protect this babies. Stand up and don’t let him see you are afraid and don’t let him bully you.
They won’t approve a protection order if there is not a history of need.
Conquer your fear. File.
I think as hard and as scared as you are go through with it,custody and a restraining order if necessary…
Years ago I was in a relationship petrified of him,I took him to court got the restraining order. I learned I was scared but not everyone else…I leaned on them for support…I stayed at a women’s shelter also…May God keep you safe and give you strength in this time:pray:
You state that your ex is a narc. Are you stating that he is a police officer?
If so, I can understand your feelings of hesitancy regarding which specific actions to take. Definitely discuss this aspect with your attorney and also include domestic abuse authorities in the discussion. See if the force has an outreach point for these types of cases.
Because your EX is a gaslighting, narcassist & you believe his threat’s
Get the parenting plan in place!
I have 6 kids aged 18 - almost 4, been there, done that!
You are still trying to please him, at the sake of your kids to keep him happy…why?
I get paid over $ 125 per hour w0rking from home. I never thought l’d be able to do it but my colleague makes over $ 21657 a month doing this and she convinced me to try. The possibility with this is limitless.
Girl you fight for your kids! Period! Let his ass be mad.
do it. don’t let him scare you. after i left my sons dad he threatened my life and told me he would take his own life if i went for child support, so i didn’t go for it. a year later i was no longer allowing him to emotionally blackmail me and i went for it. i also think you should get a court order set up for the days you both have the children, with a guarantee of arrest attached if he doesn’t bring children home. get a custody order in place too. when you finally stand up for yourself and decide he isn’t doing this to you anymore, you will feel so liberated and free. just do it. and only speak through text message so you have a record of everything said, if he wants to threaten you then you have that proof and you can go to the police with it.
You can’t let anyone scare you. I lived in fear of my ex husband for years and when I finally decided to put my foot down things were already beyond bad and there were major consequences for me as well. Stick up for yourself. You will be happy you did later.
Get the protective order, don’t let him bully you. Those are your babies. Listen to your legal team and let them help you.
you don’t have to go for child support, but custody wise, you have to, You do realize he can keep your son if he really wants to, he is the father, So that is why it is important to go to court for custody
See if you can see if you can get legal aid from the state, dial 211 and get all the information you can, a a restraining order on him. Oh honey I wish you luck
Report this to cops, get a protective order.
This happened to me when I left my ex. I was scared to go for child support and to keep full custody. He also told me that my son will have only one parent if I go through with it. So I let him bully me into 50/50 and now 8yrs later I hate myself for not keeping full custody because now my son has to deal with his narcissistic father. Please go for full custody child support and the restraining order so you don’t hate yourself yrs from now like I do. ￼Hugs
You and your family need protecting. Go to the POLICE, your community centre, wherever whoever can help you. He cannot threaten you it’s illegal, do not be afraid of him show your children how to protect them. Good luck I’ve been through this trust me it’s all about control.
My son‘s real dad try to do this to me and let’s just say I had enough proof that he didn’t let it go and he dropped it was his turn to have our son who dropped him off when we can because he’s like he’s sick I can’t get sick I work and like we all work bro and then I was like whatever I’m probably a better chance caretaker than you anyway then he dropped him off July 5 and hasn’t seen him cents and honestly was for the best but he told me if I went after child support I won’t live another day well guess what he’s paying child support and I have that proves that he said that stuff and I can use it against him and he knows it save everything through text email everything when you’re on the phone you record it and I don’t understand why he has a son most of the time but not his daughter that’s a little weird
Stop letting him have the boy so much. When it goes to court he’s going to ask for him and might win because you’re allowing it. I know you’re scared but stand up for your baby.
Follow through also go to court for custody arrangements because right now he can take your son for however long he wants and you cannot do anything
You need to tslk with a woman’s shelter
I’m assuming you weren’t married by the wording here so you need to get a custody order, the amount of time on the order will determine child support. If he is threatening you you need a protection order for yourself, if he threatens to hurt the kids at all you’ll need a protection for them as well.