I’m struggling a lot!!! My husband and I have been together for 16 years, married for almost a year. We have 2 children and we have had our ups and downs. About a month after we got married my husband decided to be honest with me about his infidelity. We both have recently become born again Christians and he wanted to come clean. While I’m happy that he was honest about it, its been really hard to cope with the fact that our relationship is built on lies. Before we got married I asked him if there was anything he needed to tell me and it was a flat out, NO! I’m angry bc I feel cheated. He’s always been a good man as far as I knew, worked his ass off, provided for us etc. He would even bring home flowers, buy me things I talked about, run bubble baths, light candles, give me massages the works. I alway felt like I was so blessed and lucky to have such a good man, but now I feel like it was all done simply bc he was doing it out of guilt. What do I do??? He helps around the house, and helps with the kids, and I appreciate it all so much, but I can’t shake his infidelity. He had women at work, and online! It infuriates me to the point where I can’t stand him. I truly thought I was the one that struck gold but looking back at it, its all full of lies. I need some advice bc I don’t want to break my family up, I don’t want to leave a man that has done so many great things, but he has also broken my heart, my trust, and my spirit. What would you do?
That is a hard one . A part of me wants to encourage counseling of course given the fact he has done great things , but also understanding of the insecurity of not truly knowing wether it was genuine. If it were me , I don’t think I would stay together until i have personally resolved my feelings about it and then also marriage counseling . I wouldn’t say divorce though . My husband and I have been together 11 years , we were separated for 10 months , we both did regrettable things ( not cheating though ) so that does it make it hard to relate to , we also learned alot at the same time. We are now back together , starting counseling and our marriage is thriving after I thought it couldn’t any more . Again , if I were in your shoes thats the action I would take but ultimately I’m sure you’ll come the decision that fits you , your family and marriage best 
Obviously he’s not a good man if he cheats on you
He was the one who chose to cheat. He broke the family up. You deserve to be treated with love and respect. Don’t settle for less . Try counseling, but if that doesn’t work don’t waste your life on someone who doesn’t appreciate you.
Betrayal is hard, oh yeah with all the times being nice he was cheating… umm I’d want to know was it more than one woman, same woman. Idk I’d be really mad. Maybe counseling… it’s up to you.
If enough is enough an your questioning his every move or feel your walking on egg shells do what’ your gut an instinct says if u don’t have trust u don’t have anything who honestly wants to be miserable wondering life away about him he is living his life an possibly having his cake an eaten it too
What I know personally … if you want to continue with him, put all your feelings aside and go forward.
I tried EVERYTHING to shake it off and NOTHING helped until I decided to let it go and be with him or let it consume me and leave.
I still feel a twinge of fear that he’s being dishonest again when he starts acting sketchy. I just ignore it because personally I’ve decided I don’t care anymore. As long as he fills my needs with helping with kids and such … I look the other way (he’s not cheating but …)
Don’t be like me.
Pray not only for him but for you. For ur heart to forgive and ask God what to do. You feel betrayed and with all ur right u can ask for a divorce. I highly doubt that he did all that cause he was guilty he was cheating. He did all he did for you cause clearly he like doing it for you. I think ur more mad cause he said the truth now that u are a Christian than when y’all decided to get married. Now this is where he felt guilty and wanted to come clean.
Unfortunately you have to look at it through the eye of the Lord. Being a born again Christian is hard because honestly there are a lot of things we have to learn to forgive. I suggest going to a Christian counselor who will embrace the covenant you made but also point of red flags if there are any.
Cheating and deluding you. It won’t change.
Do whatever you wanna do and whatever makes you happy… perhaps an open marriage? Just a suggestion. Sending healing vibes! 
Doesn’t matter. A good man/father and a liar/cheater are very different. He lied straight to your face, then told you after he knew he “had you” So he knew he was going to wait until you were basically trapped so you hopefully couldn’t leave as easily!
Leave. Like yesterday. He’s sketchy and sneaky. Big no no!
He’s come clean, he’s being honest, he’s trying. It’s up to you to decide if you want to work on that with him. You don’t have to forgive him right away and pretend it didn’t happen, but don’t beat him up and hold it over his head either. Go to couples counseling. Make sure it’s clear that any more nonsense will not be tolerated.
Speaking from the other side of a situation like this….I had an affair myself. Not only slept with another man but full on fell in love with another man. This affair went on for about a year before my husband found out. Things at home were not good before this affair started however, that does not excuse what I did. I eventually came clean about everything. My husband had questions and I answered them all in 100% honesty, no matter how bad it hurt to do so. We ended up separating for a little over a year. In that time we built a friendship and a foundation that I wish we would’ve built years ago! Our marriage is now stronger than it has ever been. We did not go to counseling or anything of the sort. Things just kind of fell into place for us. My husband was 100% done. But I committed myself to giving him my all again and to not let my marriage fail. Eventually he came around. We will be celebrating 10 years of marriage in June. My affair was in 2017-2018 and our separation was in 2020. I have been 100% honest and faithful from the day I decided to fix my marriage. I know people say run that people don’t change. But sometimes we do change. In all honesty he sounds like he does a lot of great things for you. Finding a man willing to do half of what he does can be hard these days. You have to decide if you’re willing to work thru this, or if you want to take your chances with someone new who could potentially be ever worse. Best of luck!
Leave im sorry I know it’s hard to hear but Leave
This why I don’t believe in marriage, 16 whole ass years then once he traps you in marriage he decides to tell you “oh I’ve cheated on you countless times but it’s okay now because we’re married and I’m a born again “Christian” man” like ew gross
Matt 18:21-22. Stand on the word. Psalms 147:3. Prayers
It’s your decision you leave you break up the family you stay you resent your husband you can’t have it both ways.
If you choose to stay you can’t keep questioning his every move looking for a reason. Either forgive him and work at rebuilding your relationship or walk away knowing you did the best to make thing work and that he broke the trust. You stay and remain resentful you will end up imploding
That’s actually so upsetting to hear but miracles and blessings do exist. From a Christian point of view you need to seek wisdom from God and pray for your husband as well as healing for yourself. I’d advise you to speak to a Christian counselor before your pastor as not all churches are good in fact a lot of churches are still very much for men and not for woman and will say it’s your duty to stand by your husband and be his neck and turn him onto the right path blah blah blah instead of helping you heal from this hurt and move forward with Jesus together as husband and wife. If you do have a trusted, non judgemental, mature christian friend or understanding pastor I would advise you to talk to them I just want to make sure you get the support you need right now. And btw as hard as this all is you can get through this if you are both equally committed to your marriage from here on out. I wish you all the best and pray for your hearts healing sister. God bless xx
I wouldn’t be able to get past the cheating. I wouldn’t see the same man anymore. That’s great he came clean, but all the lies. But, If you don’t want to break up your family, then you’ll have to try to move forward, and try to rebuild again.
Have you tried marriage counseling? If you truly love him and think he can change and you can forgive it’s worth a shot
He feels conviction being a “born again Christian” and wanted to come clean. It’s up to you what you want to do. You can divorce if you want or you can seek true forgiveness. It’s not easy … I’m sure this man loves you. We’re human and his flesh got the best of him. You can’t expect a faithful man that isn’t of God. Pray on it love…
Pray and ask God to give you the courage and strength to forgive him.
There is nothing I can tell you that I wouldn’t do first.
I am not saying to stay with someone who is cheating on you. But after everything you shared, especially both of you walking with the Lord, this is definitely a burden you must give to God.
I know it’s going to be hard to forgive him, and it will be a daily battle. Forgetting won’t be easy but with God everything is possible. You have to seek God first. I know you’re hurt and angry just ask God for strength and try forgive your husband.
Pray for your husband and family. I will pray for you and your husband tonight and I hope you truly seek God in this.
It’s water under the bridge now he came clean holding on to yesterday burdens won’t allow you to catch today’s blessings,start fresh FORGIVE as you said it’s in the PAST
Does the good outweigh the bad?
You should know what u gotta do.
In my opinion trust is earned not given, if you don’t have trust what do you have?
For me If it was me I’d believe my marriage was based on lies. I don’t see the same person are cheating
Mam, in all due respect. If you end things now it won’t be you who has broken the relationship. This must be so hard for you. I wouldn’t be able to trust anyone.
Christian counselling … both go together n speak to your pastor for spiritual guidance. We are to forgive, he has to repent, marriage was ordained by God n is a Holy union 2become 1 flesh he has sinned against you, God, and his own body which is the temple where the Holy Spirit lives. I could go on but you need a pastors advice.
You ask before marriage if there was anything. He denied then got married and came clean🤷 once a liar once a cheater. Also a narcissist as i see it…
Go to Christian marriage counciling. The Holy Spirit must have changed him, because i have never been with a man who would tell the truth and do those kind things. This is where you go to God. Ask him to help you forgive and help you to love your husband like God does. You can get passed this. Praying. Dont let satan win and break up your marriage.
From personal experience once trust is broken it can’t be built again. I divorced my husband of 10 years together for 12 for cheating on me with a lady from work that he got pregnant. I’d never trust him again to go to the corner store.
Born again Christian or not I don’t think counseling will help because your husband can’t be honest. If he lied about cheating which is huge in my way of thinking. What else is he lying to you about?!
You and your children deserve more than that. Don’t teach your children to settle because it’s comfortable. Forgiveness is for U anyway not them.
If you stay your teaching your children cheating is okay and what their dad did has no consequences.
Forgiveness is required. Ask God for guidance. Pray on it. Yes it was wrong but he’s confessed. You listed all his qualities as a husband and father. You need prayer and through your church you can receive counselling.
Why get married if he took so long?
Blessed is the child raised by the Grandmother.
Ask God he will help u I no it hurts but he married u he must love u god is truly amazing God please lay hands on this family help them Lord amen God bless u
You say you’re both born again, you’ve renewed yourselves in Christ? Sounds like he came clean about what he did when he didn’t have the lord in his heart. Which must’ve been hard… A month after you got married he confessed? Sounds like He’s taking the vows he made between you, him and God seriously. I’m not saying that you should sit there and get cheated on and lied to, no one should accept that, as a matter of fact if he cheats while you’re married you’re no longer married in Gods eyes and he will no longer bless the marriage at that point you’re a victim of adultery… if the cheating was before marriage you were both technically single with no valid or legal union. A person is different when they ask God into their heart. Consider forgiving him for many reasons, one being God has forgiven us time and time again, God doesn’t want you upset or holding grudges, if you’re ever in a situation where you’re judging, whether it be yourself or someone else ? choose not to no matter how just it feels, the ultimate commandment is love. If you find yourself in a situation where infidelity occurs again (in marriage) ? God will take it personal, it would be best at that point to forgive and understand it’ll be a time to withhold judgment and pray for what’s to come. Last but not least your heart ultimately belongs to God. He’s very specific about telling us to guard it because EVERYTHING in life we do flows from it.
God forgave him try the same
Seems like he just wanted u tied down so that you couldn’t just dump him quickly when you find out. But yes once a cheater always a cheater
I think everyone’s jumping here…
Like I’d be the same very upset etc
But… he owned up. And I guess if he’s great in every other aspect treats you well and your children and provides and helps you in other ways then there’s something to go from. The fact he told you himself not you finding out and him admitting because he was caught is a start. He wants to put his past behind him and move forward with his family, if you want the same then perhaps try councilling so you can let him know how you feel about it and work on a healing process. If you feel after that you can’t forgive and move forward then take it from there x
Marriage and personal therapy or divorce. He needs to put in the work to fix this. You get into therapy so you can decide if this something to move past or not. GL
Therapy as individuals and couples.
Conciling is a good idea, make sure to find a Christian counselor. Here are some Christian resources that can help marriage in the meantime pray together, watch the movie Fireproof it’s available on Amazon prime, do The Love Dare, you can find it online, there’s also a Facebook group, or the book.
You CAN move past it. It takes time and effort on both sides but it can be done. I would suggest going to counseling (preferably with a Pastor but as long as he’s willing to go). In the meantime, SET BOUNDARIES. If you need access to his phone or log in info, etc. tell him. The trust has to be earned and he will either do everything he can to do it or he won’t. People make mistakes and yes, we are called to forgive but that doesn’t mean it’s easy. It sounds like if he came clean, he really is changing and wants to show you that by starting out clean and telling you what happened. It’s going to be a long road but with a good man, it’ll be worth it in the end.
I’d leave. But that’s me. I don’t put up with lies and cheating. Those are my two deal breakers.
He came clean he deserves a second chance he did not leave you for those women plus he was nice. Most men who cheat never treat their partners right. Plus you both became born again give him a second chance and try to heal from the pain. Tell him it hurts you a lot. You both need to go forward if you want to be happy otherwise if you cant move on this will be the start of unhappy marriage.
I couldn’t stay but that’s me. I’d become someone different with all the worrying that he’s doing it again and my life would revolve around trying to catch him. That’s not a healthy relationship. 
You are the only who can decide what decision is best for you. I am the type of person who once I am
really let down, disappointed, hurt, and lied to by someone I really love I cannot get over it. I know forgiveness is a good thing but when it is very serious or important I can’t. It just changes the way I feel about them and the way I see them.
I find it really interesting to read everyone’s comments on this topic. Though ultimately it comes down to the decision on how YOU feel. No one can tell you to move past it and just simply forgive and move on esp if they aren’t in that situation.
I 100 percent respect the fact he owned up because not a lot of people would or will. So the fact he told you speaks volumes. Though it’s really up to you.
I feel like if it were me and you truly love them maybe try counseling or attempting in some way to mend the marriage and put in effort to try and find a place of happiness again BUT if you find yourself not trusting them and not looking at them the same I feel like at that point the marriage is over and it won’t work for either of you. No one deserves that and it’s just not fair or even healthy for anyone. It would just always cause you more problems.
Hang in there. That’s seriously heartbreaking and tough.
See a therapist and try or end it.
Trust is something hard to even back and with cheating IA harder because he made a choice to cheat and he probably won’t stop. This is your marriage, but I would absolutely make him go to see a therapist or someone nutreual as a couple and work through why hw cheating if you want to save this. Maybe talking about how to forgive and built back trust. It’s so hard to forgive someone for cheating. My ex cheated on me and I left him I couldn’t get past it and even though he said he stopped he didnt. To this day she’s still on his Facebook that was almost 12 years ago. I will pray you find your path with ease and I hope whatever you choose it makes you happy. You didn’t deserve to be cheated on. Sometimes a good father isn’t a good husband
Either forgive him, never bring it up again, and get used to the possibility that whoever he’s gone too long he’s f’ing someone else or leave. He probably cheated on you after you got married so that’s grounds for divorce. cheating is a big RED flag, it can cause insecurity, anxiety, depression, once you know you will never not think of it, you will be resentful.
Just take your win! It’s better finding out now than after 17 years, 25 years, 40 years. If it’s possible, take every last dime out of your shared bank account, think about it. Starting over is hard.
I’d find ME some counseling, then couples counseling. He would have to earn my trust. I’m sorry this happened to you. It’s devastating on so many levels.
For some people sex is not love and love is not sex obviously he loves you and wants to be with you but if you truly believe you can do better then it might be time to move on but the way you describe him I don’t think you will find a better man
Did you marry before he became a born again Christian? Because that does make a difference. If he was a Christian and married you without coming clean then that is a bigger deal.
If he married you and then became a born again Christian then he did the right thing by confessing to you. And that shows me that his heart has changed.
Once we confess Jesus is our Savior our sins from the past are wiped away.
I know it isn’t as “easy” for those that we sinned against before to be as forgiving, but forgiving is what we need to do.
I truly believe that God does want you to forgive and work through your thoughts and feeling.
Remember that Satan is the great deceiver.
It is difficult to be so gut punched. It is painful to know we have been cheated on.
The difference here though is that your husband is born again and he confessed to you knowing that even though he did what God required of him that he may very well lose you.
You can work through this. It has been done.
You must go to God with this and let Him lead you NOT your feelings.
Cheating leaves a lasting impression on your mind unfortunately your punishing urself for a party you weren’t invited too. I don’t think counseling for you both will work I think you should go as a individual
Try couples counseling if you think it would help
If you are a Christian and he is too, you should forgive him. But the choice is yours to make, pray about it.
You need to really soul search and ask yourself if he is worth forgiveness? If you find that he is, I would suggest couples counselling. the infidelity is not about you, it is an inadequacy going on within him. From what you wrote the pros certainly out way the cons, yet trust is a biggy and he betrayed that. So with all that being said if you want to forgive this man suggest counselling and see what his reaction is. I wish you the best in this situation, and I hope he is smart enough, if you choose to forgive him, to jump through your hoops you need him to jump through, to salvage and try to fix what his indiscretion damaged.
You have to decide what you’re willing to deal with. My ex husband cheated on me multiple times in the 3 years we were together but he was also abusive and a crappy partner so it was an easy decision for me. Having a good partner that has cheated makes that decision more difficult. You should at least get couple counseling. There’s quite a few Christian options out there if you want to go that route. Try it for awhile and see if you think you both can somewhat repair the relationship. It’s probably not going to be exactly like it was before but a new relationship that you’re both okay with can work also. If you’re still not happy, leave.
The only acceptable apology is changed behavior. If he’s truly sorry then he won’t do it again. You say y’all have both found God so he may have felt the conviction so that’s a wonderful thing that it was bothering his soul to the point of having to tell you. Pray about it and remember his infidelity had nothing to do with u and everything to do with his fleshly desires. Try talking to your pastor and see if they can offer some advice.
You are born again? Then forgive him!
Once a cheater always a cheater. You already know the answer in your heart before you even came on here. Know your worth.
Born again Christian = if I call myself a born again Christian, then holy moly all my sins must be erased and I can start over again. I’ll just call myself born again in 5 more years. Being a Christian once obviously didn’t stop me.
Seek professional guidance 
he’s done wrong but was man enough to fess up .i think that alone shows genuine remorse
I’m not trying to make things worse, but I’ve seen this before. Men who claim Christianity will still cheat. They’ll just do it and blame it on some kind of evil in their life that’s trying to break you apart instead of taking responsibility. But by all means, if you think he’s really done cheating, try counseling and work things out
To rebuild trust takes a lot.
True forgiveness is also apart of healing and rebuilding. The one who was hurt. Even if you go you need to truly forgive for yourself to heal.
Bless you. I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way and you have every right to. In my honest opinion, I think you should try to work on how you’re feeling. Go to marriage counseling with him. Go talk with y’all’s preacher. Try hard to forgive him. Infidelity in a marriage can be overcome and y’all can grow closer if given the chance. If he is great in every other way to you and the kid’s please try to work through your feelings. Also know that it was nothing you did to have him make those wrong choices. He needs to take full responsibility and spend every single day for the rest of his life showing and proving to you that he is truly remorseful and trying to gain your trust again. I’m sure it won’t be easy for you to forgive, but I feel you owe it to yourself, your kiddos and him to give it a try. I wish you much luck. ((Hugs))
I would leave his ass
He made a big mistake. Huge one. I know it hurts. I have been there. It will be hard to trust. Hard to not think about. Even harder to not bring up when you are angry. Remember he didn’t have to tell you. Becoming a Christian made him want to come clean. My advice is to pray. Pray for wisdom. For strength. For help getting through this tough period. And to forgive like Jesus. It is hard but not really. Just let hubby know you will forgive but wont forget. That you will try not to bring it up. And he has to earn your trust again. Oh and he has the now pleasure of being questioned 52 million times about everything. And no just because they cheat once doesn’t always make them a cheater. Some people learn from their mistakes. Sorry i didn’t say sooner. Welcome. I now have another sister in Christ!
I do not want to make it worse but Yes he has hurt but if he is good to the kids then he is good that way but when the kids do find out then they may not want him around or be happy that he stayed and have been good to them. But if you are upset all the time everyday at him about that and the kids see that then that is not good for them to.
When you chose to stay with him, you put that behind you…
Try marriage counseling if you want to keep your family together. Just an idea.
You know your answer already. You took time and thought to write this. You already said you can’t get over it.
Just like all the folks in prison that miraculously become born again Christians…its a way for them to wash away guilt and a way for them to try to change their image from the shady characters they were in the past. Give it time. He will do it again. You’re going to have to dig down and see if you can deal with it or not. Nobody else can tell you what to do. I’d send him packing.
He is a different be glad he came clean you have to forgive him
Sweetheart just read the last sentence in that paragraph, YOU dont want to leave a man that has broken you in all ways! It’s not YOUR doing it is HIS. HE left, it was all a lie and you KNOW you deserve better! Please take care, I know how much this hurts xx
Part of being Saved is forgiveness. What you need to figure out its if you can trust him again.
Born again Christian 
Get couples counseling and counseling for yourself and tell him how you feel. It’s gonna take time to rebuild if you even can. I know I couldn’t.
Try marriage counseling and also seek therapy individually. See how it goes for at least 6months and then reevaluate
Bc you are a believer in God talk to God he will tell you what you need and he will never lead you wrong and another thing the hardest thing is forgiveness you can not get to heaven with a heavy heart I will also pray for you I am sorry you are going through a hard time
God does not hold resentment or anger when he forgives u. God don’t remember once ur born again
Did you tell him how you feel and then see what he has to say
Well if it’s in the past, and he hasn’t cheated during your marriage, I would forgive him just as Jesus did.
Counseling. Both individual and couples. Then you have an impartial 3rd party who can give you the tools you need to work through it.
This must be so hard to swallow that your marriage vows were based on fraud. Married you and then confessed—Sounds like entrapment since your reality of the relationship was nothing as you thought. I would not be able to take that — he did this entirely on purpose.
If you choose to try to work through this, counseling. And it could take years, decades, with zero guarantee of success. It’s up to you if you want to continue to invest your time and efforts in a marriage with a man you now have the ultimate trust issues with.
Always know you and your children deserve better. 
Was the infidelity before you married? I know that doesn’t make it hurt less but it is different in my opinion.
Write down how you’re feeling, every single detail. Then let him read it. See if he could be ok feeling that way. You don’t deserve to hurt by yourself. I wouldn’t make any decisions while you’re hurting, give yourself some time before you leave or stay. Good luck.
Counseling. And consider when the infidelity was.
Either forgive him or split. No one is perfect and sometimes people need a little more than one person can give. You say you are a born again christian? Then christians forgive
so sorry, it’s in the past but the lies, the misrepresentation, the deceit. He knew what he was doing then and now forgive and forget. Do not think I could but …wishing you all the best.
When you are born again, all those things have been washed away. Let it go! Start fresh, life is too short to worry about the past. Move forward and worry about the now. If he gives you reason to believe he’s being unfaithful then address at that time. Otherwise enjoy the now. Forgiveness is hard but give that doubt to the Lord and pray about it.
I’d suggest some serious counseling for the 2 of you to see if you can work through this. You are 100% allowed to be angry, hurt, and need time to process it all. Through therapy you can decide if this is something you can move past. I i know you don’t want to break up your family but also staying in a relationship that is toxic isn’t healthy either and children will pick up on all of that. The awkwardness, the resentment, the comments, perhaps arguing ect.
Reading this post, it read to me like maybe all the sweet things he was doing was to make himself feel better about the cheating he was doing behind your back. Like a justification. Well I’m cheating yes, over and over but look at these nice things I do for her.
It’s a crappy situation. Sending hugs your way.
Consider when the infidelity was? Just because he wants forgiveness you’re not God. He didn’t cheat on God, why would God not forgive him? No, he would have to show me I really was the woman for him and it would never happen again however time doesn’t work well for him since you’ve been together over a decade in what you thought was a serious relationship n which children were brought into the world, he tarnished this relationship. His journey with God doesn’t outright forgive him by you. I would suggest counseling. But I cant help but think he won’t stop. If you forgive him so easily for all those years he can easily think you’ll keep forgiving him and he basically has a free pass. He has to work on getting your trust back and he has to communicate. Without it the rest of your relationship is doomed. You have to communicate as well. Don’t let religion dictate your response. You’ll be miserable for the rest of your life and he most likely won’t learn anything. And the moment he strays again, I would call it done.
Get marriage and individual counselling outside of the church
16 years in…has he done in cheating during your marriage. If not, you need to forgive him and move on
I would also wonder if you guys were together for 16 yrs, had kids before you got married, why did it take him 15 yrs to decide to get married to you??? Now I do knwo peopel who are not married , very happy together, own a home together, have kids, now grown up, but just don’t want to get married & that is fine. And that is OK if each decided this is better. But you say he is very good to you & you think he only did this because he was guilty, I would say seek couple counseling. But If you say you can’t get over this, then leave
If he is truly a born again christian. God forgave him wiped his sins free.u should do this also .he must be sorry or he wouldn’t have told u. Start over and see. God can work miracles