When do you know when it's time to walk away from a marriage?

Relationships
,
201

Divorce, even at it’s best, is devastating to children. You have a man who works hard. You didn’t mention whether there’s a problem with drugs, alcohol, or cheating. You say you don’t love him any more. I’m guessing you are exhausted taking care of 4 kids mostly by yourself and wondering if this is all there is.

All of the problems that you mentioned are tempoary; you’re thinking of fixing them with a permanent solution. Don’t. Don’t give up on him, on the two of you. If marriage counseling didn’t work, find a better counselor. Work on yourselves. Schedule date nights, even if they have to be at home in the time between when the kids go to bed and he goes to work. See if he can get on a better shift. Don’t give up! There are no perfect men out there, and it sounds like you have a good one. Pray for your husband and for your marriage. I’ll pray for you, too.

10 Likes
202

4 kids in 5 years is a lot for anyone to handle. It also sounds to me like you could be experiencing PPD. Is it possible that a family member or friend would watch the kids once a week so you can get a break? If divorce is the absolute best outcome for both of you, then go for it. If not, start small with better communication or at home movie dates. Work your way up. Good luck Momma.

203

Look in the end you are setting an example for your children. All they will remember is how they felt when they see you together. The example of what a safe, loving, & a happy home; comes from both of you. It will definitely not be easy and no marriage is perfect but if you feel like you can’t anymore it’s time to walk away. Do it For you, for your children, for your family.

204

get a job and get ur kids in school/prek and day care or family help watch. gonna have to learn how to care for all them kids ALONE amd possibly woth no child support if he decides to not work or pay. Get fixed while you’re at it. you dont need any more kids.

3 Likes
205

get better counseling.

206

If one of your children asked you the same question…what would be your answer? Think about it.

207

You have FOUR kids and no job and no where to go. At least wait til the last kid is two before you make any rash decisions so that you’re sure you’re not making a hormonal decision. So you had 4 kids with a guy “you don’t love”? Get counseling for yourself, hint you will have to search for a GOOD counselor not just pick the first you meet.

1 Like
208

To the mother who posted this. You definitely need a break. Four kids is alot for one person a day especially a mother, because they all want your attention probably 80% of the day.
You should have consider putting the older two in school perhaps or consider getting a nanny in to help you rather. Give your kids perhaps chores as well around the house to help you,that are age appropriately. Kids love helping. Have days where they could possibly go visit their grand parents weekly. To reduce the strain on you.

Your husband sounds like a good guy,you never mentioned any bad about him. Don’t give up on the two of you just yet. Give it tim, if you can . Goto another counsellor. Try having date nights,get a babysitter. Have family time at least twice a week. Have a day for yourself. Listen to music, mediate, take walks.

You shouldn’t involve your family in your marriage. Everything that you choose to do affects your children. So base your decisions on that, nothing else. At the end the children will suffer, you think this is the worse.

I think everyone that was saying another person advice is wrong, because of how many years of marriage and experience is talking crap. We are all different people, married to different people have different lives. Your experience means nothing, because your experience is different to the next person.

Divorce can be horrible or it can be beautiful,but for your children it will affect them, so do what you feel is best for your kids and yourself. I think if you can live with the decisions you make,but not other people’s because it’s your life and you responsible for your kids lives as well.

My ex husband and I split recently and our two year old is psychologically affected. She struggles to sleep, because she misses him. She’s even been prescribed medication to sleep, which he refuses me to give her. He doesn’t call her, she use to call him alot towards the end but a baby can’t be forcing a relationship. I suffered in my marriage for my child sake, until I realised my child would think this is normal life of her father taking vacations from his family to live by his mom to see his mistress. You know when it all stopped when,I said no you can’t come back home, because I saw eventually our child is still small but she was affected by his in and outing of the house. Now he blames me for her not having to live with both of us.

If you feel like you done everything you could before quitting marriage than do it, but do what’s best for yourself and children. Divorce could be beautiful if you have a great ex spouse or it could be terrible if you have a narcissist.

I will keep you in my duas and pray about your marriage,but remember God only helps those who help themselves. So you need to try and make some changes. All thw best❤

2 Likes
209

To me it sounds like alot of things have happened very quickly in both of your lives with a lot of outside influences. It seems you both didn’t have much time to be a couple before real life kicked in. Its exhausting being a mother especially with no help from your partner although he sounds like he is working hard for your family and is also tired. At the end of the day its your life to live and you deserve to be happy but splitting a family is always devastating to all so do make sure you are doing it for the right reasons. Maybe get him to change his job to a day job, then have some date nights. We all get lost being parents and forget about that couple before children. Good luck in whatever you do and take care of yourselves.

210

Child care is expensive and hard to find in a pandemic. You have nowhere to go. I would plan things. Find child care, a job, a place to live. Get on birth control if you are not already. The more kids you have the harder it will get to leave. There is a middle place called leaving later when you have your ducks in a row.

1 Like
211

Whatever you do, please don’t try to have another baby!

2 Likes
212

It may just be the season your in. Not with just your husband but maybe yourself. Having little ones at home everyday can be overwhelming. We lose ourselves as people (not just moms). And then were not happy within ourselves. When all hindsight were not happy in the situation. Something to think about. Take it day by day mama! Being a fulltime everything is very hard. Find you!:heart:
Btw I speak from my experience.

6 Likes
213

Firstly family shouldn’t say that but secondly do you feel maybe you not doing enough for yourself. Focus on making yourself happy and if he still doesn’t fit in the picture with all the communication between you then maybe you can move on.

3 Likes
214

Stop blaming others, those babies did not pop in there by themselves

4 Likes
215

Even if you got married due to a pregnancy there was obviously a level of love to keep having them. People think love should be this instant gratification all the time when actually it’s something you constantly have to work at. You also have to be open to the idea of making it work; if you have already checked out no amount of counseling will help. If you’re unhappy with your lifestyle then try changing that first. Get a job on opposite hours of him so you can get out sometimes even if it’s just part time. It can be done I work full time nights, my husband full time days. We have 5 kids between 9 weeks and 14. If you don’t love him then just rip off the band aid don’t stay because you won’t have anywhere to go because that’s not fair to anyone. However if you think there is even love at all left then fight for it.

2 Likes
216

You deserve to be happy too, speak to your husband xx

1 Like
217

Marriage isn’t easy, don’t give up too easily neither is being a parent having 4 kids. Take time for you and your husband. Go on a date!

1 Like
218

“I don’t love him anymore” isn’t an excuse tbh. Love is a choice, not just a feeling you get. You wake up everyday and you CHOOSE your spouse, even when it’s hard. You CHOOSE to date them, you CHOOSE to keep intimacy alive, you CHOOSE to communicate. That’s what you promised in your vows. I suggest you change something. Get a part time job, or have him switch shifts, and hire a babysitter for an hour a day so you can go to the gym or the coffee shop or something for you. When you wake up tomorrow, I challenge you to think of 1 thing you do love about your husband. Then the next day, think that same thing again along with another thing you love about him. Tell him. Get a babysitter (wether family or someone else) and go on a date. A date where you both dress up, and go out and flirt and talk. Have sex. A lot of it. So many everyday stresses and internal issues can be solved or at least feel easier to solve after intimacy with your partner. It honestly is hard to choose to love someone, but it results in something incredible. The Love Dare is a great book, so is Loving your Spouse when You Feel like Walking Away

16 Likes
219

Being a single mother is absolute HELL. Just because there’s a child support order in place does mean you’ll get it. Yes night shift is extremely hard on a marriage but as a single mother of course girls, so is trying to make ends meet with next to nothing. My circumstances were a little different as I was held at gunpoint but if he’s not abusive in any way towards you or the children try to stick it out. Take small steps to better your chances of being able to support you & all children on your own and re-visit once you’re able.

1 Like
220

First sit down and talk, second go out on some dates, third maybe have him find a day job. I think it’s not that you don’t love him it’s you don’t know him like you two have lost each other because your never with each other.find a sitter for a weekend get out and enjoy yourselves.

1 Like
221

A successful marriage takes work, young people don’t seem to want to put in that work. It seems like your husband full fills his obligation to care for both you and your children. You are doing your part by taking care of the home and children. Your marriage is not lost, your mind is. Happiness is a state of mind, if you decide you want to be happy, your heart will follow. Don’t throw in the towel so quickly. Put in some extra work and take some me and you time to get to know each other as adults.

3 Likes
222

No relationship is easy. I live with a man who used to work night shifts and that was the hardest part of our entire relationship together we never saw each other we never had time to be intimate we didn’t have time to co-parent and he was always exhausted and never in a good mood once he stopped working nights things got a lot better. Having that many Littles also close in age is extremely taxing even on the strongest of mothers my heart breaks for you that your family is not more supportive. I don’t know you so I can’t tell you what the right thing for your situation is but I will say the grass is almost never greener on the other side the grass is greener where you water it. Try reconnecting with your husband tell him how you feel even if you’ve told him a thousand times before and ask him how he feels and you two work on a solution together being a single mom is incredibly lonely and was that many children it’s going to be hard to find a decent guy to step in and fill that role. My advice is make breaking up your family the absolute last possible Resort nobody’s going to love your babies better than you and your husband ( their father ) in the same home.

1 Like
223

I wish you the best and I hope you find yourself and find something that brings you happiness. You are not invisible you are someone too don’t shut yourself down express your feelings to him. Maybe he can change to day shift to help y’all. If not seek help get one hour to yourself or do something you enjoy everyday. Even if it’s going on a nice walk alone or grabbing coffee. Or if you can get a part time job. Don’t forget about yourself by taking care of others. Your kids are watching you and look up to you. If you truly think after all that you can’t anymore then talk about divorce but don’t forget to ask your hubby how he’s feeling too they have feelings too. Stay strong. :heart:

1 Like
224

If your asking, you already know the answer

225

You have been pregnant all of your marriage, stop having babies and start focusing on what you have in front of you.

2 Likes
226

Your family sounds like a whole big group of toxic turds.

9 Likes
227

The night shift might be a killer in your marriage.
Going to sleep with your spouse is needed in a marriage/relationship.
You need to get a job, being a mom isn’t excuse to not leave the house.
I bet your husband feels as tired as you are.
Plan something to go as a couple, to revive what you think is dead.
I’m not saying stay and be unhappy, but the truth is that guys nowadays aren’t looking to date and stay with a woman that has 4 kids, and being a single mom is hard.
I’m not trying by any means to be mean just a fact as a neutral party.
Talk to him, do things for each other, win him over again and allow him to do the same.
Best of lucks :two_hearts:

7 Likes
228

Wow women on here our so judgmental and can’t see all sides of what she is actually saying. Your advice to her is to stay in an unhappy marriage? Because they got kids together she must still love him? Being a single mom is hell? Wtf, you guys, way to empower women. Her family made her get married cuz she got pregnant. Her family is 100 percent against divorce and will not help her with that. You know what that sounds like, religious people. Which means theres a chance she was made to continue to have kids during that marriage because that’s the point of marriage in religions like Catholicism. So maybe start thinking outside the box people.

4 Likes
229

Ok…if your husband isnt abusive or violent and is a kind person then the grass isnt greener on the other side of the fence. Especially with 4 children under the age of 5. And yes you got married because of one pregnancy…not three more after that. U chose those extra babies and ultimately its your body, not his. So you chose mumma. Do you really think 4 children under 5 is going to be a blast for any marriage even a good one? If your husband is providing for you, and again isnt abusive, is kind, isnt cheating then stick it out. I think you need a reality check and l need to grow up check. You could do far worse. Put some effort into your life, get some good girlfriends with young children, join a mums club, go out for lunch and play dates, try and include your man, but if you cant do it yourself for yourself. PS l will edit this post further because l seem to be getting angry faces so l.will further say does your husband actually know how unhappy u are? Because you dont say. If he does and isnt acknowleding anything then drag him to counselling or give him a time frame on what things u need him to change…base your decision on that. But again without family support and u say u dont have that l would look at what l could improve first because there is alot of things you dont say about your husband…ie maybe a change of job to normal hours would help alot.

5 Likes
230

Lindiwe Maka Princess Mauke😒

231

Sounds like you know what’s best for you, and your family is not supportive!!

2 Likes
232

Communication is HUGE in a marriage!!! You need to express how your feeling and what is make you feel like! Lay it all out on the table. And see how he feels and see if yall can get something figured out. Plan a date night first and see how it is just yall 2 being together if you haven’t done date night in awhile. But I can see where you feel like your alone don’t give it entirely. Marriage is soo much work, it can seem easy to want to walk away but it’s never the best choice, especially for your kids.

233

Wait as long as you can for them to go to school. Get to work, and start classes on line yourself. Get a small apartment to get out then with some government assistance you can get a place where each child will have their own room. You don’t need a man to be happy but your children will need both of you in their lives to be stable. #Staystrong

1 Like
234

Sounds like you two need to start dating eachother again. Having that many kids so close together and being on opposite sleeping schedules is difficult for any relationship. Put work into your marriage. Mend it, don’t end it. A marriage is like a roller coaster. There are tons of ups and downs. There are times when you really have to put the work in to keep it alive and thriving.

5 Likes
235

Sounds like you had the kids back to back so of course you resent him right now cause your body has been basically pregnant the whole marriage and you guys probably haven’t been able to go do things jus the two of you. But if you want out of the marriage you’re going to need to get a job cause you said your family said you won’t be welcomed there so they’re not an option and also stop having kids with him also from this point forward if you’re don’t love him anymore. Your body is not a baby making machine and it’s unhealthy to have back to back pregnancies in the end too. YOURE EXHAUSTED. He’s probably just as exhausted as you tho too cause he works night shifts which is not the best job. I’m a single mom and basically been a single mom since the day my son was born and it’s not easy at all not going to sit here and say it is. But for right now try n get family to take the kids for a night or couple days for you can reboot yourself and also for you can try and reconnect with your husband before you make this huge life changing decision in the end. How long has it been since you’ve been able to just snuggle up to your husband and have adult conversations that isn’t thru social media or family ?

1 Like
236

Take this.time to investigate in a school or other training you can do to prepare you for the workforce. You will need a.good job in order to provide.for your children. Check out the price of apartments or housing where you want to live. I don’t want to hurt you but, I is unrealistic to think you and your children could live with anyone. That would be.a.huge burden no matter how much theynloved you.

237

Sounds like you need to do something for you. Moms need sanity like you said. Maybe try finding a part time job not just for money but for yourself. Getting out of the house and working helps out a lot. Make play dates with the kids ( which I know is hard cuz of Covid) I’m saying with your husband have family outings. There are some pumpkin patches open or maybe have a family get a way. And if nothing works that you try it’s not fair to your husband to be with someone who doesn’t love him and it goes the same for you. Just because you have kids doesn’t mean you need to be with someone you don’t love. People do fall out of love. But before you leave make things right for yourself and your family. At least have a job and have some place to go. Single mothers do it and they rock it! You can do it keep your head up

238

Maybe you should go to a group or forum that experiencing what you are and see how they revive there marriage with if, marriages are not easy, believe me just as you fell out of love with him you also can fall back in love …

239

People saying to stick it out have never been in a shitty marriage. I left my ex husband when i had three kids ages 5yrs, 2 yrs and 3 months. I only had a part time job. There is help out there for mothers. Being unhappy is the worst. And you dont want your kids to think thats how relationships are supposed to be. They should see a happy mother not a miserable one. Good luck to u

240

You have been a mom dealing with kids on your own for what sounds like a long time. It sounds like you and your husband don’t remember why you met but also because you never have time together which is extremely important in a marriage. You have to share the life to enjoy the life. If you can’t make it work you can’t stay where you aren’t happy. But marriage is HARD and if your husband is willing to work with you, help you out more, spend more family time, then it can work. You both have to be willing. The minute one isn’t, it won’t work. You have to decide if you want to fight for your marriage or not and unfortunately only you can decide that. You have a lot of kids, and while they bring joy to a marriage, they also bring a lot of strain. Good luck.

2 Likes
241

Omg. You need mental help and birth control

1 Like
242

There are lots of resources available for single moms. If that’s how your family feels, then put your big girl panties on and prove to them that you wouldn’t have gone to them for help if they begged you! I’m the kind of woman, that if you think I’m going to wither up and crumble because I don’t have your help…then just watch me flourish. See how they like it it when they now have to be invited to be in your children’s lives.

2 Likes
243

Despite what everyone’s advice is, in the end its your choice on what you decide to do. Just remember the grass isn’t always greener on the other side but you also deserve to be happy. Talk to your spouse, express your concerns. Do what YOU think is best for yourself and children. :heart:

1 Like
244

Leave him live off him and the government… ya sound advice im reading here. Maybe get a part time job to get away and earn some money for you and your family. Maybe get on a birth control or your tubes tied. Quit blaming your family for stuff. You have your own decisions and have to live with the consequences. Marriage is hard it takes work on both parts. We have 3 kids 3 and under i work full time so does my husband. Its possible to find a good affordable private daycare.

245

Ok first no more kids, second you and your husband need to date each other again also maybe your husband can request a couple of days off so you and him can do a weekend getaway spark that fire up again cause to me it sounds like your fire kind of went out.

246

Omg divorce the whole damn family !!!

247

In a marriage you have to communicate. You need to make time for each other. I’ll tell you some days I look at my husband and say I don’t like you but I still love you. Sounds harsh but it’s the truth. I worked nights he worked days. There we some weeks we didn’t even see each other. You need to sit and talk with your husband.

1 Like
248

What kind of family would want their daughter to be unhappy and not want to see their grandkids anymore. Do wat your heart tells you to do​:+1:t3::pray:

249

Relationships of any kind take work with kids and work and awkward hours i know my relationship struggled when my SO worked night shift. It was too much and killed the spark. But he changed jobs and we worked at it to bring it back, i had given up long before that and i was feeling the same. Glad we put in the work because we are happier than ever 13 years 3 kids i go to uni and he works and life is full on but we now make time for each other instead of being strangers passing in the night and me feeling distant and invisible. Try changing other things in your life first. Once you walk away its hard yo undo. Communication and finding out how each of you receives love is important.

1 Like
250

If you are not in an abusive situation. Stay. Life if hard. Marriage is hard. Its peaks and valleys. Seek God 1st, act like you love your husband. Get help to take care of you’re babies once in a while. Your tired and overwhelmed. Your in the heat of life. Do it one day at a time. Recomitt everyday. Comit to giving your babies a solid, loving home and family. The grass isn’t always greener.

2 Likes
251

Well ur not married ur a single mother :confused: find a better work opportunity for ur man . One that means daytime hours so ur not lonely at night . We’ve all been there ur baby is still so young I think wat ur lacking is support . Although ur partner sleeps during the day he should also be up by a certain time during the day to take it all on himself . So u can go out and do something to boost ur asteem . Mums work much better with support and self love . He will need to do more . Just my opinion . When ever I had enough of being the one to constantly take care of the kids lol I would pretend sleep when they were up at night and eventually his body clock was the only one getting up for it hahaha well rested mommy happy kids . Partner still went to work , still came home to rest and had dinner ready if not he never minds bringing dinner . As long as u both want it . Do ur best . Also be lazy it forces him to do something hahahhaha I’m litterally the most annoying partner ps fuck there family too if u are unhappy do you . Fake fucking conditional love

252

I will say this and I know that I will get heat for it! After the first, didnt u know that? why have 3 additional kids and bring them into an unhappy home? You should have used birth control if u knew u felt like this because you are unfair to those 8nnocent children!
#isaidit #sorrynotsorry

2 Likes
253

You need sometime for yourself away from kids a few hours a week. Let husband watch kids on his day off after he has restdd.

254

Perhaps you are suffering from postpartum depression. Try discussing this with your doctor.

255

I read this to my husband and he is a very marriage oriented man. He said if you are not happy even though children are involved you should get out of it. Your husband should be involved with the kids and be more of a dad and give you a break.

1 Like
256

It sounds like you are at a low point in your life. At times we as mothers are doing for everyone else but we forget to take care of our selves…you n your husband need to find time to get away together and see if you can rekindle the relationship. You both have alot riding on you staying together. You have gptten so caught up in raising your kids you have forgotten about each other.

257

You have your hands full. Anyone would feel quite miserable in your situation.
And it might not be a divorce that will help.
Perhaps schedule time for your husband to carry the load. You might go to the library for some peace, a film alone for peace and escape.
State small. Eventually he will be doing more, you will have a bit of a break.
That’s the time to think about your marriage. 4 children all at demanding ages is overwhelming.

258

As long as there is no Abuse, stay till they are 18. They dont need their world turned upside down. You also dont want them to be out of your sight or control 50 % of the time. It’s whats best for them.

259

Go to college. At this point your marriage is an advantageous economic deal that is mutually beneficial. However at some point the kids will get older and you’ll separate.

Get your plan B ready. Who knows you may never need your plan B

260

Everyone changes. We learn to fall in love all over again every day. Have you had date nights? Have you tried councelling? I have this new app I am going through called the happy child and it is amazing. Try working through that to build a better bond

1 Like
261

It sounds to me you are just lacking attention from him. Because of the hard graft that four kids has and the fact he’s working nights. Is it possible he could change shifts/jobs to allow for more family and couple time?

262

Walk the fuck away. Take it from someone whose parents stayed together “for the kids sake,” that shit is toxic and it will definitely screw with the kids’ mental health. I don’t have the best relationship with my Mom for that reason, and I don’t have anything to with my Dad. He was abusive and still is. Do the right thing and get the hell out. It’s not healthy and it won’t ever be unless the pair of you really really work at mending YOUR relationship, OUTSIDE the kids. You two have to love each other before you guys can love them to the fullest. Don’t do that to them if you both aren’t happy. It’s not worth the mental trauma and it’s better to split now while they’re young than to wait until it gets escalated when they’re teens. Right now they don’t understand so they won’t harbor those feelings. The older they get, the more they understand and the more they’ll be able to lash out when there’s an issue. Do it now.

263

Personally I’d only leave if he was being emotionally/physically abusive. But that’s just me. I left my daughter’s dad because he was emotionally abusive towards me and if I had stayed longer he probably would have gotten physically abusive with me. My boyfriend now is not emotional/physical with me at all. We do have moments where we both get frustrated because things are tough but we try to go out/do things with friends as much as we can. I think maybe just the two of you going out for a while with no kids will bring you back to how it used to be without kids. But if your not happy then you do what you gotta do.

264

Leave him, and fuck your family. Bunch of unsupportive bitches.

265

Fuck ur family! If they arent by ur side for your choices then they ain’t worth ur time any way. U gotta do what makes u happy. Dont loose urself trying to please others

266

Its time when u have to ask others

1 Like
267

Wow!!! These comments are why there’s so many unhappy women ill n this world smh NEVER and I do mean NEVER stay in an unhappy relationship children or not period!!! If you are not happy and healthy you CAN NOT raise happy healthy children. They see and feel way more than u know and to stay in a situation where you are not happy teaches your children their thoughts and feelings are not as important as someone else’s. They will respect you more in the future for doing what will make you and ultimately them happier.

3 Likes
268

Those kids are in this too. They are affected by how you feel they know mommy loves them and needs what is best for all. Don’t live your life around others. The threat of close doors is not your best interest. Live your life the way you feel is best for you and the kiddos . Good luck you got this

269

Get a part time job. It will give you time away and change your perspective. Just because your husband works nights does not mean he can sleep all day. He can get up and do evening duty with the kids while you work. He needs more kid responsibility and you need less. And for God’s sake get on some birth control.

3 Likes
270

Don’t let your family tell you what to do! You deserve to be happy. I was a single mom and it wasn’t always easy. Just do what your heart tells you. Good luck.

271

Why did you continue to have kids with him if you no longer love him or aren’t happy?

272

It’s like I said to my son recently when he complained he’s not madly in live w his wife any longer, wants to divorce for second time, throw entire family, children, everyone into tailspin over wanting to find his soulmate: grow up! The thrill is gone after a few weeks, after that it’s work to keep it together. Stop being so selfish, both of you!! Stay married. You can’t afford to split. You’ll be living in poverty and dragging your family down. Suck up to reality. Remember the good things about the other person and stop nit picking and arguing. Get counseling. Work on your faults and trust your partner will work on theirs. Think of the children!!! Divorce messes them up.
First thing get a job. Your outlook will improve with each paycheck.

273

Why not see if those family members can take your kids for an evening so you and your husband can have a night out. Maybe you just resent him instead of not loving him anymore. Also try a daycare or a babysitter once a week. It’s very overwhelming to have four small ones all day by yourself. You can also have the hubby watch them once in awhile so you can have some much needed you time.

274

Your Lucky he is not a dead beat dad

275

I think you may resent him for sleeping all day (I would) and that never helps a relationship. He needs to pitch in so you can have a break and he can have time with the kids. The balance is off. You both made the kids yet you do all the work. Get some self care, time for yourself and ask yourself what you want for yourself and the kids before making any rash decisions. All the best.