My oldest child has two households. He lives with me and my husband full time and sees his father and step-mom two times a month and on school breaks. He has been having behavioral issues most of the summer since he’s been there. His birthday is coming up, and they’ve had enough with his behavior and decided to take his party away. I don’t agree with it as I feel that it is a day to celebrate his birth and not a day to be punished. I do agree that he needs to be disciplined for his actions, and I think that there are other things that can be done as a form of punishment/discipline. We don’t always agree on how to parent our children. What would you do? Would you agree that this is a way to discipline your child? Any advice is appreciated.
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum! Would you take away birthday parties as a form of discipline/punishment?
What happens at Dad’s house stays at Dad’s house. You don’t really get a vote. Have your own party for him to celebrate!
A birthday party should not be used as a form of punishment. Take something else away
I do. My daughter has gone a few years without a party. Im a single parent so my rules.
Dad’s house, dad’s rules
He only gets one once a year. They can literally punish him some other day. I say no
Honestly you can celebrate his bday with a cake after dinner but not host a party. Tell him that he risks losing out on a party and if he continues then, that is on him. I love doing nice things for my daughters but if they are absolutely bad, I will hold them accountable.
I guess I dont see a problem with this. A party is a luxury if hes misbehaving they dont have to provide that luxury. I still think just the family should do gifts an cake but I see no problem taking away the party.
I dont agree with it and if dad did that id be sure id be having a party at my house
While you might not agree with it , if it happens at his dads , it’s up to them to determine how to punish them. Taking away a party doesn’t mean they can’t still celebrate his bday. My daughter turned 16 this year and was an asshole for a bit. If someone else hadn’t paid for the venue, I would have cancelled her party
Well my ex husband did that to my daughter. But we always have seperate party’s anyways so she had a party with us
I took my son’s birthday party away this year. He is ten. He actively and aggressively pushed every boundry he could including skipping school, vandalized a church, and having the police called on him. No birthday party for him. Don’t feel guilty at all. We still celebrated it as a family, but I’m not spending a few hundred dollars on my child when he can’t get through a week without getting in BIG trouble
No. You’re right it’s a day to celebrate his birth. EVERYBODY deserves to celebrate their birthday. And that shouldn’t be taken away from him.
There are other ways to go about it and discipline your child.
You don’t get to decide the rules at dads house.
What happens at dads is none of your business. Also I would take the party away for bad behavior.
Yup, take away the party and just have family for dinner.
No… That’s cruel. ABSOLUTELY NOT.
Bad behavior needs consequences. Stay out of the middle of your son and his father!!! Not your business!
There is a difference between having a party and celebrating his birthday. My almost 14 year old isn’t doing anything fun like we had planned because he broke his Nintendo Switch on purpose. But he still got a small early birthday present and will still get a cake and a special dinner. You can still celebrate his birthday without a party, games and presents.
Yes, and I have. I’ve canceled vacations, as well. They survive. My two sons are amazing young men.
You both need to be on the same page other wise he’ll think he can get away with something at one house and not the other and he’ll just play you both…
I agree with it. If his behavior is and enough that they decide to cancel his party then it was a for a reason. You can celebrate the birthday, just not have the party. I had that happen as a kid and my children have had it happen to. We celebrated without the party
DON’T TAKE IT AWAY that’s a sin. There are different ways to go about this, other then taking his party away. I’d be pissed.
Considering he is with his father right now, the disciplinary decisions are up to HIM!
One year we didn’t plan a friend party for my son due to bad behavior but he still had a family party at my house and at his dad’s to celebrate him.
It is cruel but you can take him home and have a party for him. Its one day a year. They can use some other form.
Hell no that’s not ok. But luckily he had 2 households and can still be celebrated
I do not agree with taking a kids birthday away unless he did something very very very extreme. Just consistent bad behavior obviously needs some other consistent punishments to change that behavior other wise it’s just going to continue. Also this really depends on age…like is he a teenager or a 4 year old. Consequences are different depending on age and what he did.
I really dont agree with taking away a birthday though. That’s just too far…unless it’s like a teenager who did some horrible criminal act and got in serious trouble.
Absolutely. People go to prison on their birthdays for making bad decisions and the judge won’t pat them on the head and say oh just come the day after. A birthday while a great day is just a day. Dad and step mom have the right idea
Don’t take away family party. But taking away a big friend’s party is acceptable I think.
Maybe just don’t go all out and have something small . But not celebrating his birthday all together is a little much
Let dad take away his party.he can still have presents,just not a party.you can give him a party at your house.
You can celebrate his birthday without a big party. Teaching kids to be held accountable for their actions will pay off for them in the long run. Otherwise they may never respect authority figures and the bad behavior at home could become worse or continue. Not every birthday needs to be a full party.
I think its disgusting to take away a birthday party in general. He could ground him/take away priveleges/electronics/toys depending his age and behavior but its sad to me that taking away his birthday party is even an option. My mom and stepdad were ruthless with groundings and punishments when i was younger but even grounded 2 years with no phone/ etc i still got my birthday parties. And they were rather narcissistic and overdid punishments even at times. Birthdays are a day to celebrate the kid. They wont remember why they had it taken away when theyre older just that they had to skip it because of it. Long term i think its damaging and so many better ways to discipline.
If you read a good book on parenting it will tell you that behavior issues are communication and a cry for help when the child doesn’t know how to express their needs/emotions. Punishments will only make them worse in the long term. I would try to take a class, work with a professional and see if you can’t find some way to help understand what is causing the behavior issues and learn some new methods of working with your son. If your methods actually start to work that will hopefully motivate your ex husband to come on board. You can’t try to force your ex to do anything but you can model another way and if it works I can’t imagine he wouldn’t get on board. Dealing with behavior issues is tough. Good luck to you.
Yes he needs to be in trouble but I would have a party for him still.
Don’t undermine his father! My nephew has behavioral problems and he didn’t get the birthday party he wanted - but he did get a small family only dinner with a few gifts. I made it a point to buy him Walmart brand everything, and told him he deserves birthday presents and he is special and loved but he wasn’t deserving of the best of the best at that particular moment. His behavior has drastically improved. He now knows he had to earn Nike, PlayStation etc.
That’s what’s wrong with this world today … Why reward him if he’s misbehaving?? Take away the party and just have cake and ice cream at home.
My ex wife did that with our kids once, they seemed to have learned from it
Not your time therefore not your call. His father deserves the right to discipline as they feel fit
I would lose it. You’re completely right. That fat is to celebrate him as a person. You don’t take that away. My parents did that. They also refused to take pictures of me for years (like made me get out of the frame when taking family pictures) because they didn’t want to remember me being there because I was “misbehaving.” This did so much damage and I grew up to hate them. I’m 35 and the relationship with my mom is still damaged (my stepdad is dad and I’m not one bit sad about that). The thing is, you can’t control what they do at their house. They’ll do what they want. But, if I were you, when I got that child back, I would throw him a bday party. There’s no way if let my relationship with him be damaged by their stupidity. And I be doing major damage control on his self esteem because it will take a major hit from their treatment of him.
Lots of kids don’t have birthday parties
You can acknowledge his birthday on the day of without having a big party
Personally I would keep the party but any gifts he gets he can’t play with/use as a punishment for a certain amount of time. I’ve cancelled Christmas one year because of my son’s behavior and just saved the toys until his birthday but I would never cancel a birthday party (unless he is a danger to shelf and/or others) but I would take away the gifts after he opened them. (After people leave.)
Nope absolutely not.
Might not go all out depending on the behavior or what happened
Can still have a nice meal, a few gifts, cake ect.
If it’s just normal getting in trouble not Listening testing boundaries. I would go with a different form of punishment. Before the party and if he doesn’t start straightening up. Take the party no friends just family. Kids these days think they’re Entitled. They have to be punished or future generation is gonna be 10 times worse than thisOne. I couldn’t even imagine
Dad’s house dads decision.
Mom’s house moms decision.
What age is this child?
Get him back for his bday and have a party for him . He needs to be talked to about what’s wrong so that you as parents can understand his feelings , not disciplined for struggling to adjust to living with someone he barely sees . It’s a family problem , not a him problem .
Birthday parties costs a lot of money. If you can’t behave I don’t feel right about spending hundreds on a party
Yes I agree. A big fancy party with friends would be rewarding the bad behavior.
No birthdays are important you don’t get those back he can’t come up with anything else?
No no and no. Will not give my opinion to post or some of the comments here but just do some reflection… All behaviour is a form of communication. Good or bad !! What is the underlying issue ? Whats the age of kid ? Is the the kid going thr someth or changes known or unknown to you. Hence go to the roots.
A cake ice cream and immediate family no party no gifts it is not horrible sometimes we let our guilt eat at us I DO NOT REWARD BAD BEHAVIOR.
The prison system wont care if its his birthday, just saying. Id still celebrate his birth but it should be small with family and no friends, bad behavior has major consequences in the real world.
They are making the decisions for their household If you feel you want to have a party for him, that is up too you Everyone disciplines differently
Do not undermine the father. Yes birthdays are important and he absolutely should have consulted ypu before making such a decision but your child won’t learn anything if you go behind dads back and do a party.
You don’t get to decide what goes on at your ex’s house.
Take away the parties.
Simply birthday party.
I’d still have the party 🤷
No matter if married or divorced you two must get together and present a united front.
I would take him to a counselor to find out why he is acting out. We don’t just do that. As for the party, u get 1 day a yr out 365 to celebrate you. As a human, he has earned that. Punishment should fit the crime, not the moment.
It’s a day to celebrate his birth not his behavior! I always considered it as much my celebration that my son was born as his! So makes me sad for your child but glad you will still celebrate it with him! Good luck and God Bless each of you!
Well if they were going to give him a party and they decided not to there isn’t really much you can do about it. Unless you give him a party when he comes back but I guess that would be undermining what they are trying to do so that could be a problem. I guess it would depend on his age and what he has been doing but if thats what they decided I would just go with it.
Depends to me what he did. If it was violence to another person or fighting or bullying to me that’s worse than something like having to tell them more than once to do something or whatever… to me depends on the age, what happened etc to say eirher way…
I don’t understand all of these expensive parties to begin with. Seems like your just keeping up with the Joneses. Certain milestones, yes but from birth, really?
Give him the party, but take away all the gifts he receives until he can start to act right.
As a go to punishment, no, I don’t agree. As a “I’ve tried everything else and NOTHING is getting through to this kid”, I agree with it. My youngest was grounded on her birthday this year for things we’ve been dealing with since November of last year. It opened her eyes.
I would have forewarned him of the consequence of misbehavior and then the choice was his if he acts out. It gets the parents out of the firing line because he made the choice… You have to be willing to follow through with whatever you tell him or your word will be null and void!
Find out what’s going on before punishing him. Bad behavior indicates something is bothering him.
Let him have his party. He can open his presents but take them away until his actions improve. It would be a huge slap in the face to have all the excitement of opening the gifts but not get to play with them.
Get him to a counselor and figure out what’s wrong. Kids don’t randomly begin having behavioral issues without a reason.
I mean you can still celebrate the birthday without his friends or an outing which is same point. I doubt the dad isn’t going to celebrate a birthday, just sounds more like you don’t get to have an expensive party which I think is fair.
Poor child it’s not his fault that u spilt think about him
I took away a birthday party when my daughter was 6. She had not been listening and was given opportunities to correct her behavior and she didn’t. I gave her fair warning that she’d lose her party… I’m certain she didn’t believe me.
What she learned from it: Mom means business! She’s 17 now and doesn’t remember losing her party but she does know that when I say something, I follow through.
No kid should have a party if they’re not behaving. It’s the opposite of what they should be getting. Actions have consequences.
Support his dad’s decision. Your child needs to see you and him agree whether you like it or not. If you turn around and have a party after dad said no party your child will not learn a lesson.
I would absolutely not throw a party for a kid if they don’t deserve it. Don’t need a big party with everything to celebrate a birthday. My kids only get parties every second or third year. And no parties have happened since covid started.
Having a party with friends I definitely would take that privilege away… but still do have a small family gathering with grandparents and a lil cake is all I’d do for a misbehaving kid
I did and Christmas toys sat on a shelf in his room and he earned that shot one by one
Well its happening in their house hold. I agree you cant behave you lose privileges. An if has been warned many times. You have to hold up to that.
I think it depends on the age of the child and what he did to deserve the punishment but in all honesty I think it’s a bit harsh to take away his party.
There are a million ways to discipline your kid w/o taking that day away.
Every kid should have one special day.
And if dad sticks to his guns and doesnt give him a party dont you dare turn around and give him one either my ex and I whether we agree or not the punishment in one household carries to the next
My parents did this to me as a child and I struggle every year with my birthday. I have never felt it’s worth celebrating. You have every right to be upset. Your child will remember this birthday for years to come.
My birthday parties got taken away as punishment, and honestly, it’s one of those things I never forgot. And in the end, it was just an excuse my parents used as to not have to throw one. I could never do it to my children. There are others way to punish a child, and clearly if nothing is working, something else is going on, and maybe a therapist would be a better idea.
No…allow the party. Do take his presents after . until he get some act right.
I personally wouldnt take a birthday party away, who knows what is going on that is causing the behaviour and maybe a good day would help them feel better.
Its one day a year, a bit of misbehaviour doesnt mean they dont deserve a celebration for the day. There are so many other ways to discipline/redirect
I wouldn’t. It’s a day for the child to be celebrated and will remember the memory of their birthday for a lifetime. I wouldn’t rob my child of that. However taking toys away or even not being allowed to play with their new birthday presents for a few days could be the discipline?
A party and celebrating his birth are completely different. If my child was acting so poorly that they needed consequences to match, I would take away party. But we would still have a cake and some small gifts to celebrate the day they were born.
Not your household, not your decision. But if he feels his behavior has been that bad that he had no other choice then to take something that big away from him, then chances are it’s called for.
Even though you are no longer married it is very important to support each other as parents…if you dont, the cruel world will. You wont suffer, but your child will. Stand united.
You get to make the rules when hes at your house. The dad gets to make the rules at his house. I think for any parent to want to cancel kids party there has obviously been behavior to warrant it. I definitely wouldn’t throw my children a birthday bash if they hadn’t earned it. You can definitely celebrate a childs birthday without a party.
Honestly depends on what he did. Sometimes extreme behavior need extreme consequences
I did this when my older kids were younger. And they learned from it.
I took my sons away a few years back because he was being so bad at school. He was pissed and it sucked having to call parents to tell them it was canceled and why. But I couldn’t see spending so much money on him when he was behaving that way.
Sorry not sorry but if your kid is acting a fool, why would you dish out all the money and time for him to continue treating you and your guests in a terrible manner? If he changes his attitude then maybe that’s different but there’s nothing wrong with keeping his birthday low key. Take him to dinner or make a special breakfast. It doesn’t need to be a big celebration
His father’s house, his father’s rules as long as his father and stepmother are not being abusive.
Your house, your rules as long as they are not being abusive.
That being said, you two need to show some solidarity or else he will manipulate both of you and he will end up abusing both of you with that manipulation.
If you two cannot fully agree, you need to compromise.
In this case, as a family, acknowledge his birthday, but do not throw a party.
That way, you on some level get the validation you feel is necessary about the day of his birth and his father is not completely undermined and he learns that he needs to stick to the rules, whether he likes them or not, regardless whose house he is in, that you and his father WILL NOT be played against each other when it comes to him.
I never had a birthday party taken away from me however I had a birthday party where 1 of my twin cousins was stopped from coming as “punishment” and that’s about the only children’s birthday I remember. Because of that reason
Their house their rules. U have him a birthday party if u think he deserves one. In my home parties and gifts are earned not required