Thats narcissistic behavior. It won’t get better. He gas lighting you and trying to control you. It would probably be best to leave or get marriage counciling.
Do whatever you want to do. Leave if you want. Like a comment above said have a friend or family member hold onto your stuff. Slowly move out. Making him think your letting him control you. Once all your important stuff and baby important stuff is out and everything else you want then when he’s not home one day leave without telling him. He shouldn’t notice stuff is gone till it’s to late and if he does before time he may change…
Go on ahead and pack your thing’s and go! He doesn’t deserve you! It’s not “normal” behavior.
He is a narcissist and you need to leave him permanently. You already know the red flags. He could possibly be on meth. His actions sounds similar what I went through.
Just bc you’re current relationship is better than your previous relationship does not mean it’s a good relationship. Don’t settle just bc it’s better than you’ve had previously.
So things fishy drugs maybe or he hates his job He’s attracted to someone why is he so unhappy check his phone
Sounds like you’re BOTH going through it and instead of going after each other you need to COMMUNICATE better. Find the best way to communicate without fighting. Send little one to play somewhere a few hours while you do it. Marriage is hard sometimes and you need to work for it. Neither of you seem to be stable from what I read so for everyone to automatically be in your side just based off this is weird to me. Not EVERYONE is a narcissist just because they have a certain behavior. Honestly seem like you might be manic right now. So my advice is communication and therapists for everyone.
Don’t put up with it,
He will not change leave
He sounds bipolar. I’d suggest mental health help
get him checked for diabetes mood swings are terrible with that. If not show him the road he will never change a leopard never changes his spots
Don’t live like that, get out
It’s definitely not normal. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Try and make time for both of you to sit and talk. Explain how you’re feeling. If he dismisses you or won’t listen then you have to seriously look at your future and think hard if this is the life you want. It takes courage to leave for a better life. And if it comes to that at least you know you tried.
You will get the WORST advice asking online! this is something you have to talk with him about and if he doesn’t listen and talk then wham bam summer slam! You know what to do or don’t either way this is your life.
Both of yous need therapy… can’t blame just one as you both seem to be struggling mentally. You both matter, both get better for yourselves and child stuck in the middle
He is a Narcissist, I was with one for 5 years, RUN… it gets no better, sounds like you are at the beginning of his mind control game, it only gets worse, im still recovering from my ex mental and physical abuse, please just leave
You need a break, pack up and go away for a couple of weeks, refresh yourself and reflect on what you really want going forward then act upon it xxxx good luck sweetheart and enjoy your well deserved rest xxxX more than likely he will realise how much he takes you for granted and start helping you more and being there for you emotionally, but if after you come back and his attitude is the same then its only you who can take your life into your hands and change it xxxX
Girl just do it. This sounds so damaging to you and your child. I always say is this a good example for my child? If the answer is no then change it!
Normal husband behavior not. Normal narcissist behavior yes.
Get the hell out of the relationship your child does not need that kinda stress
If your gut feelings have been to leave for a few weeks then it’s probably time to go with your little one before he breaks your spirit and your child’s - once a narcissist always one and he def fits the bill on it. Good luck and God Bless to you and your child.
Run, don’t walk, out of this relationship. This is abuse. Just not the hitting kind.
It seems like the cycle and pattern is continuing. You found a guy just the same as the last…i feel maybe you should be single and heal from your trauma before heading into a new relationship.
Is he bipolar. therapy
Maybe he doesn’t hit you but….^^^
I think this might be a real communication problem. Ask your husband to set with you and tell him you really need to get something off your chest then gently without putting blame on anyone say I have been having hurt feelings but I know you would never do it on purpose so could you please tell me how you are feeling, I think we may be in a bit of trouble and I would really like for us to communicate better with each other. That will at lest open the door for change and understanding in your marriage. All the best to you. Keep on loving him hun Iam sure he really loves you
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Am I overreacting?
You yourself stated that it never changes. It never will. You already know the answer. Stop raising a third child and get your children out of a one bedroom apartment. They deserve better and deserve their own private space.
Jeez! You are not doing your children any favours by staying especially since you are away from them 65 hours of the week. Whatever you mention is within your control to manage. If he loves his kids like you assert, then he will continue to love them even when you are separated otherwise he just loves them because it is convenient for him. He is not making much effort or any sacrifices to do it.
Isn’t that your money? You’re not married. Seems like you do everything on your own anyway. Go on vacations, buy a new car, whatever you want! It’s your money! It seems he just along for the free ride.
I’m not gonna say leave I’m going to say go out on your own by the house you want and say we are moving he will follow you want to do stuff send it to your money do it without him take the kids go do the fun things you would if he would do it with you maybe after a while when he sees you’re going to do it no matter what he’ll get up and do it with you
Get a house, get a better car, get whatever it is you and the kids need to have a better life. He can come with and contribute, or he can not. The choice is HIS!
“I watched my mom turn my dad into a monster” what did you mean by this? Could you clarify?
It sounds like you’re maybe holding onto some trauma from that time in your life?
Also I’m having a hard time understanding how he gets to be controlling of money that he doesn’t make homself, or why- he’s so concerned about the money but not interested in getting a job himself
The Truth is here are your options … And believe it or not, they aren’t the just leave option either.
- Obviously would be to leave, but it sounds like you aren’t there yet… So option two may be likely but only if you actually follow through with it.
Option Two: He stops having the primary say in regards to the decisions in regard to the bigger things such as upgrading to a two bedroom apartment/house. Start looking immediately, make it known that the intent is there and it will be followed through on and why. Same with the car. If you have the money to do so and know that you can handle it then do so period. If he has major problems with that then he knows where the door is. Explain that is not what you want and you understand that he is fine where “his” life is at but if he wants to continue to live in the current understanding that you two have that those are certain conditions that are non negotiable. You work hard so that he can stay home with the kids and play video games and chop fire wood in the winter, etc. It’s a compromise. He either compromises or see Option #1.
Then you need to report back to the group in 4 months with an update on how you have either moved to a 2 bedroom or gotten a new car or are in the process of doing either or both.
And… To all the ladies claiming that the woman is making all the money which is the man stays home with the kids and isn’t making any money, and how the woman should just leave I say take caution in that simplistic thinking as that is exactly how men looked at it for generations while the woman stayed home as the homemaker or child care taker, etc. There has to be some compromise for harmony. Not a dictatorship.
Move out!! Leave him with the bills on the tiny apartment and find yourself and your children a nice home like they deserve to have. If you leave now, they will never remember living that way. Find a good daycare And move on with your life. You’re literally working yourself to death and allowing man-child to raise your babies. Your kids need to see you happy too.
Your last paragraph says it.
Let him sort out his own life & decide what kind of a man & father he really wants to be. You can’t & should not have to be his mother.
You can do bad all by yourself. Time to give your kids a better life and leave. I left mine , which was extremely abusive, and a lot like yours, when I was pregnant with my daughter. The kids are grown now and I did it all by myself, and the kids had a good childhood. You owe it to them to leave.
If his dad is the same way, then that’s how he was raised. After 7 years, you’ve probably figured out early on how he is. You don’t want to leave, so deal with it. He’s made it clear that he is who he is and he isn’t going to change. Since you choose to stay in the life you’re living, you have zero right to complain. I mean, you most likely saw how he was before you ever had children with him and again, you chose to have kids with him and solidify your ties to him forever.
It would be a different story if he was a stay at home dad and actually took care of his children and the house. Having a set of eyes on a child doesn’t make that person a good parent.
So, you have two choices…
Stay, accept that this is your life and don’t complain
Leave, support yourself and your children, get a bigger place, a newer car and stop supporting a man-child
He isn’t holding you back in life. You’re holding yourself back.
Get daycare, let him have every other weekend and let him pay his own shit. He needs to grow up first. Learn responsibility. In his own place.
You’ve wasted 7 years of your life you can never get back. You must be desperate for a man…but he’s no man…you already know what to do…quit wasting time. How many more years do you want to waste…?
LEAVE!!! If he stops being involved in the kids lives that’s on HIM. He’s already barely involved. He doesn’t care. He’s not a “good dad”. Get your house. Get your better car. Do what you want and live your life. Be happy. Stop showing your kids that it’s normal to be in a miserable, loveless relationship. Just stop.
I am going to say you have a job, money so you can leave. Think back to when you feel your mom turned your dad into a “monster,” I don’t know how old you were but I’m guessing you were young. I’m sure it was stressful for you, and I’m sure your kids no matter how young they are, are feeling the stress now. I grew up with my parents fighting constantly, and was relieved when they finally got divorced….and then stressed out again when they remarried. If you guys can get coparenting to work, then I don’t see any reason for you to stay
You been allowing this for years you should be used to it. You keeping him or you getting away
That’s why I divorced. Kept trying to change it all the last 4 years of our marriage but it didn’t work. The difference between mine and yours is he worked. I worked 12 plus hours in a day and he worked 8. I come home around 9pm to 11pm and kids aren’t fed even with meals laid out, no baths done, house a wreck, homework needing to be finished. He just sat watching the TV. Done nothing. He is the same even still till this day. Loves the kids but it’s junk food, video games. We got to the point we didn’t speak. No communication. I couldn’t stand to be around him. I will tell you this because my son was 12 at the time. Kids see this stuff even if you say nothing. They can tell things are going on and it affects the children. My 3 boys tell me that I’m happier since the divorce than when me and their dad was together. They like it with us not together because it is a more loving home. We’ve been divorced 2 years now.
Live the life you want and the life that you and your KIDS need and deserve!
- Buy a house or get a 2 to 3-bedroom apartment
- Buy a newer vehicle
- Get OUT and do fun things with friends
SET YOUR GOALS on paper with a timeline. Put everything in WRITING! START RIGHT NOW.
Make lists. There are great books that can lead you out of this mess and into your ideal life.
You are not playing offense now, but playing only defense, and you will stay defeated and never win at life that way.
Lastly, I think you deserve a soulmate who is your best friend & lover, that you love spending time with, and is motivated to work toward your common goals.
Best wishes for you and your children.
I’d leave. But if your not ready then stop checking in with him for what you can and can’t do. Buy the car. Spend the money. Take the kids where ever. He can either come or not.
Wish you luck and sending love. This adulting gig is hard work
You are raising your children to think this is acceptable behavior, he loves his kids? Then he needs to step up and be a parent teach them to live life not let life live you. You are better than this. You know what you need to do.
It sounds like you’re just scared to make the decision to leave him. If he’s not participating in family life & just wants to play games… that’s no life!
His kids deserve better and so do you! You can obviously make it on your own paying bills. At this point you have 3 kids (he’s acting like a child).
Life goes on whether you want it to or not. Choose happiness for you & your kids.
He’s an “adult” let him figure it out on his own.
Whatever he does, whatever he becomes when you are not together is on him not you. He will not change so either you leave or stay this way forever. You can’t control what he does when you are not together. He has shown you many times both when you are together and when you aren’t that he doesn’t really care. I would honestly leave and stay gone this time.
Get what you need and if he follows you fine but it sounds like you have some serious unresolved traumas that are making you hold on to this lemon of a man.
Move forward, if he comes with you great, if he is content never moving forward with life, leave him behind but don’t let him keep you down. You’re the breadwinner here, he doesn’t get to decide your future if he isn’t contributing to it.
I don’t know what to tell you about him and you situation. I think once you have enough you will do that is best for you.
Your kids on the other hand do need structure and a schedule. The older they get the worse it will get with them. It will be hard to break those habits later.
It sounds like is he a really bad babysitter with all the perks. You have to do what is best for your kids.
you need to live your life as happy as possible, so go buy a house, new car and he goes along for the ride or doesn’t. No one should be able to make those decisions for you, it’s your money do what makes you happy.
You have three dependents, not two. You have a man child. You are not required to be his keeper. Leave and move on.
You enable him! Your children will think this is normal and find the exact same spouse! Get out now for their future!
Keep in mind that your children are learning what they live. Mom’s not happy, and dad pretty much does whatever. They will think this is okay in a relationship. There is nothing wrong with a dad raising their kids while mom works, but you should also both be willing and working torwards a life you both want…
If you can’t leave him(which you probably should) then make the decisions anyways. Go out and get a house go out and get you a car. It’s all your money anyways do what you need to with it and if he doesn’t like it he’s free to go out and get a job and live in his own house
I don’t understand the logic in staying. Leave him so he has to make his own way in life. He freeloading off you. You and kids deserve better.
You need to set an example for your kids and not permit this…
You are in a good position to make life the way you want…
You’re children will respect you more for creating the life you want for them and you
You deserve someone who matches your effort and wants. You’re settling for less for not only you but for your children. I think you know the answer here.
Throw him to the curb. Ur doing it on your own now.
You don’t want your kids to be like their dad but you leave them with him probably 70+ hours a week? That’s what they’re learning, that’s likely behaviors they’re going to have. I wouldn’t want my kids around someone that much who I didn’t think was a good influence on them. Loving them doesn’t make him a good parent, actions do.
Have you tried therapy or at least suggested he try therapy?
At this point, you’re the bread winner, he’s the housewife/husband. Accept it and make the best of it. As a housewife/husband stays home, cares after the kids, cleans, cooks, shops and maintains stability. Buy your home, better car, it’s your hard earned money. I wouldn’t marry him though because he seems like the type to sue you for alimony and take the house.
I will tell you that your kids time with you is fleeting. You’ll blink and they’ll be ten. Without saying things they watch you as to what is acceptable in a relationship and what to expect in one as they get older.
Also, as a mom of two, my kids are ten years apart and from the same marriage But I will tell you I had to sit down many times and talk to my husband over the last 13 years about what I wanted out of OUR life because you can still build a future for you and your family while fulfilling your own individual dreams and goals as well. But you have to be able to build and dream together.
You have one life and it might not seem like it but it goes by fairly quickly. I love my life but I do live my life for me so that I can live my life for my kids and my husband too. If that makes sense?
Make sure you have a bank account in your name only. Give him a $200 allowance a month - . You need to protect your children - the two you birthed - get out while you can.
I’m going to be the odd one out & ask the tough question.
Is it possible he has post birth depression?
You have 2 children under 3 & he seems stuck in not really knowing what to do to move forward. Parenting, & “building a life” do not always just come naturally…
I think it’s great that he’s home with the kids while you work. But he may be having trouble implementing a child friendly schedule. I’m sure there’s not many dad’s or mom’s for him to get info from.
My advice would be to sit & have a serious conversation about how you all can move forward together, happily. Can you make out an actual schedule for him to follow thru the day. Can you get the kids in a play group where he gets out and about with them some.
Please remember it’s hard on women to stay home with kids, cook, clean, teach, run, & build better things in life.
It sounds like you all need some bonding fun time looking at a new house & a new car & someplace you can blow off steam. Just do it. Include them. Make the dedication to build up your family, & make sure he doesn’t need a bit of medical help with depression as well.
I only got about halfway through it and really don’t think I need to read the rest. If I were you I would leave him!
Leave. It’s the best at this point. You have the money to get you and the kids a place. It’ll be less stress on you than what you’re currently dealing with. Without you there to support him he’ll have to figure something out.
If he’s given an ultimatum of get a job or get out I’m sure he’d get in gear. You DESERVE a partner. Not another child. I would say that if you’re making the money you make the decisions, so if you want a new car, get it. Your happiness and mental stability (it all takes a toll on you after awhile = burnout) have to come first.
Get therapy for your childhood “monster” issues.
Talk to your therapist about how to deal with your do-nothing partner and why you find his behavior acceptable.
Talk to your therapist about why you want to stay with your significant other and how your decisions will affect you, the kids, and y’all’s futures. She/he/they will have a perspective from working with lots of families and can provide different perspectives.
Talk to your therapist about the pros and cons of staying or leaving. It’s OK to change your mind a few times as you’re working through it all.
So, bc you feel responsible for what’s he’ll do, you choose misery??
You realize your kids will learn how a relationship works based on you and him…
What would you tell your daughter?
Sounds to me like you have three children lol. Good luck. Kick his bum ass to the street!! And make him pay child support maybe then he’ll get a job!!
Hun imma.say this as nice as possible he’s a hobo sexual he’s using you for a place to stay and money leave show your kids that they are worth more so they don’t end up with someone like that know your worth more then that make the grown man child get off his ass and work
Get your kids in to school your oldest is preschool age. Their are place all over that do a sliding scale so you can afford it. This will start structure & social skills they desperately need. They will be tired at night (decent bed time). Will be feed decent food 2 meals a day.
As for your 3rd child… you can’t control him. You are not responsible for his well being. You have already stated he hasn’t & wont change. Your children will believe the way he acts /lives his life is normal, you need to brake that cycle!
As for the money, is his name on the bank account? If so, you need to open another account without his name. Put all YOUR extra money in it. So you can get a bigger place (with just your name on the lease/ mortgage) for you & your children. As for a car get a different one with just your name on the title.
YOU NEED TO MOVE FORWARD FOR YOU & YOUR CHILDREN! As long as he is holding you back you will never find happiness! You deserve better! Your children deserve better!
He only loves his kids when you’re providing for him to sit at home and basically keep them alive. It would cost less to pay daycare that will work with your kids than supporting his video games and pizza rolls.
And trust me I know it’s hard first hand. My kids dad didn’t want to grow with me either. So I decided my baby and me would grow together and leave him behind. My daughter is thriving and he’s still doing the exact same with his other children. Leave. Give your kids better. Don’t teach your daughter to settle or your son to be a bum.
You’ve grown apart. It’s time to move on.
What is wrong with pizza roles 3 times a day?
If you make the money you choose what you do with it. Especially if your kids are fed and well cared for then spend what you want he has no say so in the matter. Yall aren’t together and aren’t married so what’s it matter to him? Do what you Makes you happy
It isn’t gonna change. So if you want something different…do something different.
It sounds like you guys are split, but you have a live in nanny. You’re probably gonna split up some time in the future. Buy what you want. Don’t put his name on anything, and prepare to pay child support when you do split. You’re enabling him. You kids will see thus and think that’s the way a man should be. There’s nothing wrong with a SAHD, but that doesn’t sound like what he is. You’d get better care for your kids from a teenager. I say just rip the bandaid off and go on your own.
He doesn’t want more out of life and you do He’s okay with being a still person & not reaching dreams & goals. Sounds like you are! Don’t let him hold you back. You want a house, get yourself a house. You want a new car, go get a new car. It’s your money, you work for it… the only thing holding you back is yourself. He can stay in a small apartment, and drive a crappy car but if you want more then you go get it girl & leave his cheap & unmotivated a** behind. Or stay and still set goals and dreams Don’t ever settle because someone else is.
He’s setting an example for your kids by acting this way. He’s showing them that they don’t have to work and earn things in life - maybe it’s just how I was raised, but that’s unacceptable. You’re slaving and supporting him, and he does not deserve it. He can cut wood in the winter in his free time or part time and find something to fill time. It’ll be beneficial for your kids to be in a daycare center because they’re going to socialize and learn a lot more than if they are home with him. I know it’s not easy, but you can do it on your own and have what you want, so o say, why sacrifice it? It’s your life. I think your kiddos will thank you in the long run. I hope this doesn’t come across mean. You’re a rockstar.
It’s your money he can’t tell u what u can and can’t do with your money. Go buy u a new car and get a bigger place. If he don’t like it then he can leave which he isn’t going to because he has it made sitting there not working and getting everything handed to him. My husband works and I stay home with the kids because daycare is so expensive it’s cheaper for me to stay at home with them.
Find a house, stop paying rent for the apartment and move!!! He’ll have no choice!!!
Make him get his own place wtf you supporting another child lol
I would leave it isn’t a good environment for your children.
Maybe mother’s day out…But, If his Dad is the same way. Did you know this before you had kids with him? Don’t be mad at who you chose to have kids with…now you’re upset and talking about him not having common sense
You need to leave. He has no right to be stingy with money if hes not making it. Its better to be single and work hard to be the best you can be and be HAPPY (thats also best for kids) than be in a “relationship” with a child who does nothing but complain and take up space
You can’t change someone who doesn’t want to change. Sounds like you’re already a single parent in your home. It’s not fair that you work 65+ hours a week, then come home and meal plan, grocery shop, cook, clean, plan the kids activities etc. To be honest, it’s like you’re taking care of an extra child who is old enough to “babysit” rather than an active partner who is parenting.
Basically he’s using you for food and a roof over his head and all you get out of it is he keeps the kids alive while you’re at work. You could pay a 14 year old to do the same thing.
Counseling. Family and individual counseling. I am guessing your husband has either ADHD or ASD just by what you describe. He has nuances that point directly to that in ways that scream “help”. If you love him, work with him on a diagnosis because I think there us another rooted problem on why he would not want better for your family and himself.
And why can’t he work? Why not just work different shifts?
Leave. You are not your mother. You don’t need to be stuck in a prison of a relationship just to make sure you don’t become her. Leave him and get into therapy. Do the work and live your life. You’re teaching your kids so much by staying in this situation. About money, relationships, life in general.
Basically you have 3 kids and I don’t t think one will ever grow up. You need to ask yourself is this what I want out of life. I think you will find your answer then. I did 25 years ago. Raised my boys myself and they turned out awesome. And I am happy. Met someone 7 years ago.
You are letting him raise two kids to be like him and his father.
That’s all you need to know and should of already been gone.
Also, do you think your relationship is setting your kids up to have successful relationships? To know what love looks like in action? Or much of the the skills they will need to adult successfully?
Move on, let him find someone who thinks merely existing, not living, is great. You go be great and show your kids how to do that!
Just split up, what are you waiting for?
When is grandpa going to start paying you child support for raising his son? Because, seriously, you have 3 kids. If you want a safe, reliable car and are buying it work the money you make, do it. YOUR money, your car. Go find a 2 bedroom apartment or start the steps of buying a house. At this point he makes no contributions to the house other than being a stay at home body (a parent would interact with his kids. He’s just a body there to make sure they might get out in case of a fire). The kids would learn more in day care at this point.
YOU make the money… do what you want with it and ditch the man child
I would leave sounds like my ex I worked all the time had 3 kids he ran the streets his mother watched the kids…all he is showing his kids is that they don’t have to work for nothing he is not doing anything for the kids you are you are the one working your ass off while he sits at home go get ya a apartment move out love yourself and your children there is so much a women can take and so if he gets child support papers so be it he doesn’t help financially time for him to step up to the plate dont give in to him he can crawl beg kiss your butt etc etc dont back down your better off without him…stay strong
You have to make a choice. Do you want the kids to grow up like him? They are around him way more and will pick up his habits, (they copy more of what they see than what they are told), also if you are doing it all alone and able to pay for daycare why leave the kids in a position that puts them at a disadvantage because as you stated he isn’t doing nothing to help their growth mentally or through nuturing? Also if you could get more space for the kids by getting a bigger home why let him hold you back from that? Kids NEED space, especially as they get older. It sounds like he doesn’t care really about you nor the kids as long as he can sit comfortable not working and playing games all day. A good dad would be engaged with the kids and making moves to do better for them. Seems he just looks out for himself and if you leave and don’t cater to him he won’t even contact you til child support contacts him about money?? Definitely seems it is all only about HIM.
He is a deadbeat. Dump him!!!
Mine was the same the, till I turned it round on him. Can’t afford your game stuff. If we can’t afford a day out with the kids we sure as hell can’t afford your game crap that only benefits you.