Documentation and good divorce attorney.
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Same thing happened to me 7 years ago after 27 years of marriage, six kids with one deceased. Youngest graduated from HS and he said he wanted out, just wasn’t happy. Refused counselling. Found out that he had been cheating on me for about 20 years of our marriage…with someone I knew. I tried to fight for things but eventually just wore down and gave up. I miss my intact family a lot but I have found the most wonderful man who treats me better than I deserve and would never be like my ex. And it is hilarious that my ex acts like I have the plague whenever we have to be anywhere near each other 
I wish you peace and happiness in however it works out…
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Your answer is in your question
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YOU alone can not save the marriage. It takes two people to make or break a marriage and if he is not willing to work on it, it will never get better. Sounds to me like he may not care or love you enough to try to make it better. Maybe he wants out unless he is only staying for financial reasons and if that’s the case, the treatment and cheating will continue. 
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30 years is a long time, sounds like u would benefit from a new journey, prayers for you. Time doesn’t change people
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I don’t understand why people FIGHT to stay in a crappy marriage. He’s showing you who he is… believe him.
Once you go start living your best life, you’ll wander why it took you so long.
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Don’t save the marriage you should find a man that loves you
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If he is not willing to do counseling or therapy , i.e.put in actual work…there will be no saving it
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Well you 100% will benefit from counseling. It is designed to be safe place to give tips and tools to help you. However you both need to be all in or it’s not going to work. Maybe he’s not willing to do the self reflection and deal with what’s happened. You are always going to be stuck in a repeating loop because you’re lacking the insight to move forward. Counseling was very helpful and I recommend it…. But you have to get him on the same page as you. Maybe he’s not going to change and he’s unwilling to do this. If he’s not what are you going to do? Good luck.
you were married for 30 yrs, Really how many of those yrs have you been really happy in this marriage??? He isn’t going to change so get a divorce. Everything will be split 50/50 . Oh & if you don’t remarry & he made good money, you can collect is SS if he dies, & if you haven’t retired yet, or you retired & his SS is a lot more than yours 
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Go to counseling alone. He’s not likely going to change and you will get the tools you need to make the right decision for your own happiness.
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You cannot fix someone who doesn’t see any issues within themselves. He obviously knows he would have to change because the counselor is going to tell him that. Marriage is like a bank, you withdraw and deposit into it. If someone is taking too much and never depositing that’s where issues, resentment, and bitterness comes in. The adulterer drained the bank account and should be replenishing it every chance he gets. I don’t care how bad a marriage gets, involving a third party is never the answer. He broke vows to you and to God, from a religious stand point. If you guys are not religious, that’s OK too, but you will find prayer and devotion helps. Also, if he refuses to fix anything and expects all the change to come from you, it may be better to go separate ways or a separation.
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It seems that you want to save the marriage; Does he want to save the marriage? If so, than you both should tell one another what needs to be done for you both to be happy.
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He’s unfaithful. Not open to counseling. Not open to compromise. There is nothing you can do to save the marriage. Leave before you make yourself more miserable.
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I left my ex-husband after 31+ years. I put up with his shit way longer than I should’ve and over time it just got worse and worse. Get out! Life is too short!
As others have stated, it takes two to make a relationship work. Staying together with someone who doesn’t respect you, is just setting the tone for how your children will view love and it will give them an unhealthy perspective of what a relationship is supposed to look like. You and your children deserve better than this.
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Go to counseling alone. Even if he’s not willing to go with you that will help you find your self worth and sort your feelings out so you can decide. I’m sorry after so many years you are finding yourself in this position but things can get better even if your decision is to leave.
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Don’t stress about saving your marriage. Your kids are grown, So save yourself. 
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You need a higher power, and counseling. God can fix anything.
From the sound of it, as long as you’re willing to be the one doing all the compromising and giving in, your marriage will last forever. If he refuses to change and refuses to take the steps necessary to fix your marriage, you have two choices. Stay and deal with things the way they are OR leave and find your own happiness. In my opinion though, if he has cheated, your marriage is already over.
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Get out now it is only going to get worse
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went through that same thing 5 kids and it only got worse leave before that happens
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You had a good run.Seems your kids were meant to be,not the marriage. Dont waste anymore of your time.life is to short
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Hi. I really get how scary and sad it is to end a marriage and leave when u are older in life and have been with the one person so long. However that being said many women our age are more than happy to be single rather than be lonely and unhappy and still be married to a stranger. Your husband may pull his socks up finally when u leave, but if you are like me, once l had settled into a house l was so relieved to be able to breathe and relax. It was nice not to have to worry about what was for tea, what mood he would be in, it was hard and l was sad but I WAS STILL HAPPIER WITHOUT HIM. 6 years in l have my independence and l am my old self again. Yes l have regrets and many times l wish he and things had of been different but still l made the right choice. I am with someone else now, yes he isn’t the love of my life, but l am loved, and l have companionship and l am treated with respect and the same is given in return. Please leave and see what the future holds for.you…U deserve to be happy. U really do. Good luck and be brave, time for you now.
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Once you cheat that’s it. Talking to someone , texting someone. That is all forms of cheating.
You deserve better! Move on. 
. God has a better plan for you:heart:
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I was married for 30 years and raised 2 children together. We divorced last year and both of us are okay. However, there continues to be this nagging feeling of loneliness. I still miss him so much. We are both in relationships and get along great but I’m sure we will always be super connected.
A marriage takes two to make work. As hard as it is, your husband isn’t willing to put in that work. You can try counseling alone and see if he later changes his mind. Maybe he’s one of those people that feels weak if he goes to talk about marriage to a complete stranger. Then again, maybe he just doesn’t want to put in the same effort that you do. If he doesn’t want to, there is nothing that you can do to change that.
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Sorry but he Checked out. If he was truly sorry and wanted your marriage to work he would be WILLING TO DO ANYTHING to save it.
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I’m telling you from personal experience, that you can’t rug sweep this. He thinks everything is fine, because in HIS world it is.
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I went through the same thing and we ended up divorced. He refused to work it out and I couldn’t get past it. He ended up cheating several more times. The last time he left, I said I was done. The relationship turned toxic and he started being abusive towards me. Now he’s kicking himself and is lonely while I am in a healthy relationship with a real man that knows how to treat a woman.
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I don’t understand why so many people insist on the need to save a marriage that is not making either party happy. Life is too short to force something that isn’t working- there is a whole wide world of new opportunities and experiences out there. So many people get wrapped up in the “marriage is forever, save it at all costs” mentality- but why? If it stops making you happy move on and find something that does. Live a life that you are happy to look back on, not one that you forced yourself to endure. You will be grateful for it someday.
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Counseling or nothing!
He created some of this mess by being unfaithful… there will never be a quick fix to a relationship other than going y’all’s separate ways… if he’s not willing to put in true effort to fix it, save yourself and just leave. You deserve that peace of mind, the clarity and the love you desire. You’ve got this❤️
You go to counseling. For you. It will help you find yourself and if forgiveness is in you, it will help make it so. And if it’s not, it will help you make sound decisions about your future. Good luck
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Get yourself to a therapist, even if he isnt willing to go, maybe the therapist can help you learn to communicate better. If you want to save your marriage, then start with learning about yourself and how you deal with things.
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So here’s the thing, you are the only one putting in the work. Take a step back and look at your whole relationship as a movie. The woman going above and beyond to make her marriage work, the husband is unfaithful, unfazed by his hurting her, not willing to make things right. Is this movie a love story where the man changes and everything is better or realistically do you root for the woman to break out of her comfort and start a new life of your own. The truth is your husband is set in his ways and statistically won’t change. He confirmed it the moment he declined counseling. What you need to do is stop worrying about him and start doing for you. Live your life to the fullest. If you can’t leave for financial reasons, then take a trip to visit family alone. YOU go get therapy. Take a class or find something that brings you happiness and do it alone. What men don’t understand is that when they are not willing to work on a marriage together with their spouse, he is teaching his spouse how to live without him. He is unknowingly preparing you to be on your own. Once you live for yourself, take back all you’re energy and work on yourself, he will either try to catch up to you or it is crystal clear that you need to walk away and won’t have to ask. A marriage is salvageable when two people are trying to save it, not just one.
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If he cheated and doesn’t want to get better together he’s already made the decision for the both of you.
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Leave him! Time for u to get someone new 
When I was dating, I had been cheated on before I met my husband. (Actually met my best friend bc of being cheated on) I honestly never dated the same guy twice. If they cheated they were gone.
My husband now hes never cheated on me. We been together since 2012. I was a sophomore in hs. He had graduated when we met. 2 beautiful kids now. I believe its worth fighting for at least once if you have faith in it. If it involves kids. But if it has happened multiple times. Better off co-parenting.
I would never want to come back from cheating but that’s me. Everyone deserves better than that.
Do what you feel is best for you to regain happiness & peace of mind.
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Go. Nothing will change. There is no hope. Unless ur willing to just sweep stuff under rug and ignore the cheating…
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do what your wife asks of you on the first try!
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Go now you have already wasted enough time and if he had an ounce of respect or love for you he wouldn’t have cheated on the first place. And remember he is the one to break up the family not you
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If he cheated, the least he could do is go to therapy. The fact that it seems he is willing to put zero effort into saving your marriage after being unfaithful shows he’s probably done. It’s painful and only you know the right decision, that’s just my input.
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He is not making an effort by the sounds of it. If he is unwilling to go to therapy or try to compromise or change then he isn’t really worried about showing you he cares. Sounds like it’s pretty much over. I am so sorry. I think you should still go to therapy for yourself it can help you still.
Honestly? If this was me, and our kids were old enough to be able to explain things properly too… I’d leave. I don’t have time for immaturity, someone unwilling to put in any effort, or someone unwilling to try. especially if he was unfaithful and then refuses to even attempt to make things better or apologize.
I learnt a long time ago that I’m not a door mat and I deserve better. And that I am worth it. And that I gotta stop letting a man walk all over me. And now? My ex and I are great friends for our son and I actually have a good man who treats me right and never makes me feel like my exes did or cheat on me and etc.
As much as things coming to an end is always hard and sometimes it really sucks… sometimes it’s what best.
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Joke btw lol um it seems he doesn’t want to change maybe your cant save it just being honest
I would tell him it’s time for HIM to go. Here’s the thing, people grow apart or they don’t, if they do grow apart especially after 30 years together then you should both do it with your heads held high and move on. No need for drama or being mean especially when there are kids involved (no matter their age). You only have one life to live.
Live life happy.
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If he’s gone outside the marriage, no effort into trying 2 save it, and the communication issues there is no point In Saving it. The fact the kids are old enough 2 understand there are issues it should only cause a few minor issues in separating. There is no point In continuing 2 try and fight 4 something on ur end if he isn’t willing 2 either. Trust is a 2 way street and u will never be able 2 trust him again now that he’s done it. If there is no communication there is no relationship either. Don’t look at it as 30 years of life wasted. Look at is u raised a good family he just won’t be apart of ur life anymore other than the kids. U now have some freedoms u won’t get being married. It’s a chance 4 a new chapter.
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Sounds like you’re willing to try to save your marriage. On the other hand he does not! You can’t force people to change. You’re better off moving on.
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If it’s fine the next day is a RED FLAG, go to therapy alone so you can still get an extra opinion
My mom and dad were together for 55 years…dad never left her but he loved her eventhough he cheated many times…she would never divorce him because she loved him they were friends and it hurt her when he cheated…but in the end he took care of her when she had dementia and they both had cancer which the died from…
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You’re obviously willing to work on yourself. I don’t believe it’s you. I’m sure it’s not all him either but the fact that you’re willing to put the work in means something. 
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Follow Mark Gungor Laugh Your Way America
It really depends on his reasoning. Some people, and especially men in their 50s as I’m guessing you guys are from the whole married 30 years thing, see therapy as almost like a weakness or a waste of time. Before you make a decision take the time to make sure that you have done your best to not just tell him how you feel, but to find out how he actually feels. It is very easy to think you know what someone is thinking, especially if you don’t have good communication and you’ve spent a lot of time in your own head about it.
You get counseling. You need to work on you. He either follows and helps your relationship or he falls away and you go on with your life. There is nothing set in stone that says you are forced to stay in an unhappy marriage
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It clarifies the situation when you talk to someone else . Go see someone on your own .
Here’s the hard truth, if he’s set in his ways and believes nothing is wrong, chances are he won’t change. It comes down you and how you want your life to be. Are you happy? If not, can you live with being not happy? If not, it’s time to move on. It won’t be easy but I can promise you, months down the road, you will be happy you ended things. You have got to live your life for you! It’s so unfortunate he does not see the value in your marriage the way you see it. I am so sorry this is your situation and I hope you find peace in whatever direction you go in.
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You go to therapy for yourself even if he won’t go. This will help you. Don’t give up too easily. Have hope.
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I don think you’ll get any proper answers from fb
Try the love dare. It may help you both quite a lot. It’s a book and a challenge. Try it.
You can’t change someone who doesn’t want to change . If he really wanted your marriage to work he would get help for the both of you . I say don’t beat a dead horse and leave his cheating ass
No he’s shutting out the potential to make real change and progress in the marriage. You might think it’s worth saving, but he’s not willing to do the hard work that comes with that. Serve him divorce papers and give your lawyer proof of his infidelity. Don’t let it slide in court.
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I just left my husband after 30 years of marriage. I could’ve written your post. We have been divorced now for four months and I’ve been on my own for 13 months and I have never been happier. It was the best decision I’ve ever made in my life. Our children are fine and completely understand. Do yourself a favor babe, get out!
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Yep sounds a bit like me too. 20 years here and winding it down. I’m moving on and if that’s being single for the rest of my life, so be it! Anything has to be better than what it is now.
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I was lucky. Early in my marriage we had a fight. When we looked at the content we broke it down to he was speaking Russian and I was speaking Arabic. If we could get in the same language, we were actually saying the same thing. Another bad habit, raising your voice so you’ll be heard over others. Probably learned in childhood, but I was carrying it over to work place meetings.
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If hes not willing to try then it will never change.
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Mama as hard as it is, it sounds like maybe divorce is the best option. Yes I know 30 yrs of history is hard to let go because of finances & comfortability however if you aren’t being respected, communicated to & he isn’t willing to try couples therapy that does raise a red flag. Your happiness matters as well as your sanity. You deserve to be treated the correct way- like a woman. There is a man out there who will do what he isn’t & yes that’ll take time until you’re ready but ask yourself do you really want to keep fighting for the marriage if he isn’t? It sounds like it’s a 1 way ma rriage. Change is very hard but @ some point you have to put yourself first. No one will love you more than yourself. I’ve been in your shoes. I know marriage is “til death do us part” however marriage also isn’t what he’s giving you. Im rooting for you & pray for the best outcome. 1 more thing, you have to be open minded to what he verbalized to you as well, it’d not just about you…it’d about both of you. Try EVERY option to work on you as a team first then make a decision based on the outcome
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Counseling for yourself.
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It’s ok to move on. Don’t stay just because of the kids or because of the past.
It’s ok to start new.
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If he wanted to change he would go to counseling and work on things. I hope you love yourself enough to move on you deserve better.
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Well the only person you can change is you. You said you are both stubborn and only see things from your point of view. Try changing yourself. Learn to not be so stubborn, listen more, and try to see his point of view. Once you make an effort, if he wants to save the marriage too, he will start breaking his barriers as well
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Hes not heading the problems head on, and isn’t taking it serious, and as far as cheating, thats work, if he really wants this marriage to work, he will do what ever it takes to get there!!! Doesnt sound hes ready to give all that up, men make any excuse to cheat!! And thats unacceptable!!! Pride needs to go also, until he gets to that point, its tough, unless you wanna just ignore everything and be miserable!!! You deserve to be happy!!
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It will get worse because he thinks his behavior is acceptable because you tolerate it
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Move on girl nothing is going to get fixed here , do it fir yourself n the kids
“We have been together for over 30 years,”
30 years is a lot of dedication to one another to throw away.
“My husband has been unfaithful.”
As much as I KNOW that hurts, after 30 years, if he’s been unfaithful (you didn’t mention with how many partners) he is just bored, especially if he hasn’t left yet, this may signify hope.
“I am trying to move on from it,”
Then move on. Stay or go but you have to let it go either way. If you’ve allowed yourself sufficient time to grieve, you can’t stay in that place or you will always be stuck there.
“we are both stubborn and only see things from our point of view.”
If you know this to be true, change that, for yourself.
“He refuses to get counseling.”
As an adult, he can decide decide for himself if counseling is right for him or not.
You said he is “refusing” counseling. I disagree. Counseling was a good option to bring to the table-options mean the option can be declined, not refused. There is a difference. A refusal to obey the law is an example of refusing.
“He thinks it is stupid.”
And he is allowed to have that opinion.
“I believe we can save the marriage, but some things need to change.”
Since you didn’t mention what needed to change besides your quest to get over him being unfaithful, lack of sharing point of views and communication barrier about counseling, I have this to say… Your husband can’t change how you feel about his affair, it’s up to you to decide the best way you can get over that emotional pain and he DID communicate to you that he declines counseling. As for the struggle between point of views, neither of you are right or wrong just because you both see things differently.
The issues at hand seem clear in my opinion and a counselor can’t fix these for the two of you, can’t undo the unfaithfulness, can’t make you both see eye to eye, can’t repair the communication, etc. and a counselor can’t pick up and put together the shattered pieces. Decide what the two of you want to do then take your plans and goals to a counselor that can provide you with the necessary tools to get you going in the right direction.
"I feel he isn’t willing to compromise.’
If this is true, then you have a serious decision to make. To divorce or not.
“When and if we do talk, he thinks everything is fine the next day, and we should move on.”
I doubt he thinks everything is fine the next day but I agree with your husband for wanting to move on, with a twist- move on with or without him.
Should I just let everything go?
The unfaithfulness yes, everything else should be discussed. Either he is or isn’t willing to correct those lessor issues with you.
Good luck 
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Jesus can fix your marriage and you can too. You have to work on you and pray for him. That’s what saved my marriage. It sounds simplistic and some will criticize bc I said Jesus but don’t laugh at what you don’t understand is my answer for that. Prayer and Jesus works.
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If he cheats let him go
Your husband doesn’t hear because he doesn’t respect you, cheaters that don’t get help don’t believe there’s a problem! If he makes you happy stay with him and live with his infidelity. Once a cheater always a cheater especially if they got away with it. Honestly I would put the shoe on the other foot. Let him know the door swings both ways. Stop playing the victim and start living. Not all men cheat…Been with mine for 43 years married 32 years…
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Trust me .let it go. He isn’t open to counseling which might not even help. Once they cheat and get away with it so to speak…it will happen again.
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Walk away. Live your life. Be happy.
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Get out now ain’t worth it after 19 years I said good bye and never turned back.it will never change the actions will be good for couple days then it all changes back RUN be happy 
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If he truly wanted to save the marriage he would do whatever it takes.
Know your worth. You are worth more than someone who isn’t faithful and who isn’t willing to put the work in.
Some things just cannot be fixed. It’s not worth it to live your life like that.
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I have no advice or opinion here. I am only in my 2nd yr of marriage myself. With that said, I still hate to hear anyone hurting or struggling with something as personal and important as their marriage. My prayers, thoughts, and good vibes go out to you. I wish you well and I wish you peace in your home and within your heart! 
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It’ll take 2 to save the marriage. Even if he agrees to go to counseling, if he just goes with the flow and puts in no effort then there will be no results.
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Definitely counseling. If he refuses to go, then he obviously doesn’t care about the marriage and you should just move on. That’s my two cents.
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Both of you have to be willing to work it out and compromise. It takes communication and also understanding in order to make it continue to work. He sounds extremely narcissistic and stubborn and has also been unfaithful which means he has no respect for you. I would leave the relationship.
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I feel everyone can have their own opinion of your marriage but truth is we aren’t there. We don’t see the everyday. You have to do what is best for you! If that’s to walk away I’m of the mindset sooner is better than later. To me the way it sounds things are only getting worse!
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The first time they cheat is the hardest! It just becomes easier after that!! Dump him!!
Sometimes things don’t work out…and that’s okay.
Stop wasting your valuable time, love and energy on this and direct it towards yourself.
Its not selfish to put yourself first and find happiness elsewhere.
You have raised your children it’s time for you.
If one of your grown children came over and told you they were in this exact situation what advice would you give them?
Wishes for happier days ahead whatever your decision
To me it depends did he willingly tell you and ask for forgiveness? Did you find out he was doing this? Infidelity is hard to come back from if the person who did it is not truly repulsed by their own behavior. There are some people that make comebacks from this but the odds are not in your favor. I would say bye.
That last sentence is the key.
If I was in your position I would negotiate a separation.
When I left I went with nothing. I wouldn’t do that again. I would share things out and be as amicable as possible
Sounds like you are doing all the trying and communicating darling. I would say move on. You can’t teach someone how too love you and cherish you. If he has cheated that means he isn’t there emotionally for you!
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Tell him we have two appts tomorrow. Counselor or Divorce Attorney., which one do you want me to cancel? . If he wants a divorce you go to counseling by yourself. That’s my advice…
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Sounds a lot like my EX husband. MOVE ON girl. He don’t give a shit.
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