I feel like I was a second choice

I have been dating this guy on and off for about 3 years. We have one daughter together and 3 i had previously. He use to cheat consistently and even admitted he used me alot for a place to stay. He tells other woman how pretty they are and such in long paragraphs but has never told me anything like that besides once in the start of our relationship. Well he moved away for about 6 months and had his fun with other woman. Told a girl he was moving back to our state because he was waiting on her and staying with a cousin which was far from true. He was staying with me and was supposed to try our relationship again for our family and because we missed each other alot. Same chick he told he was coming back for is the same one he kept talkin to for weeks before moving. He would ignore her while talking to me and video chatting and vice versa. I found out when he got here that, that is why he would ignore me for a few days as well. Since i told the girl everything she has been blocked by him. I really want this to work between us and he seems to have changed alot and is very happy with us but i just cant get past feeling like 2ns choice since i have been so many times and seems to be as well as this time and the whats ifs like what if i dindt find out about the chick. So im asking do you think he will change? Is it worth the try? Im at a loss and need help please.


Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. I feel like I was a second choice

You were a second choice. You were/are being used!
You cannot change a man & he will NOT change.



Do you own running shoes? If you don’t, better order them now and run, run sis and never look back. You are just convenient to him, and you are too nice. You have your kids to look after, you don’t need the kind of stress that comes from being with this guy. Trust me, after a while you will feel like a heavy burden have been lifted off your shoulders.


Ppl are savages for laugh reacting this shit cause it’s no joke that fucking clown is a lost cause… get out and save what you have left of yourself. Boundaries and higher standards of love will eventually win out, and you can have better but not with that stunned fool playing you like that.


Your kids learn what’s acceptable in relationships by basing it off of their parents. If you don’t want your kids dating someone like him or having him as their role model, then it’s time to let it go. Show your kids that respecting yourself in relationships come first, but respecting your partner is just as important.

Also if you are asking others if you should trust him, then the answer is already no. :sparkling_heart: Find yourself a real partner


I was once asked “would you want your child to be with someone who treats you the way your partner is treating you?” If the answer is no, there is no reason to keep working on a dead end relationship. The only thing that will come out of a relationship where respect for you and how you are treated is so low would be that your children see that as acceptable and normal in their future relationships. Time to demand the respect you deserve and move on.

Also a man saying he blocked her or even seeing it isn’t solid enough. They can unblock at any time. If the other person is not willing to bear it all, allow you full access to the device whenever you need it, and is not actively seeking help from a professional for their behavior, they are probably just going to slip back into old habits because it is what is routine and comfortable for them. You can do better. Best of luck


Lets be real here your not even a choice it seems like he has had many choices an you take him back so why would he be faithful if he knows your gonna take him back he is exactly what you said a place to stay im not trying to be mean but its better to have 2 healthy homes instead of one thats not


Your own psychology/self esteem is at play here, for you to want someone like that in the first place.
Get counselling on self worth/self esteem and codependency maybe? Once you’ve looked at your own inner workings on how you are in relationships you won’t even be attracted to him, or others like him. Resolve the root of your issues so you don’t fall for yet another one later on. All the best :heart:


I’m not sure why you posted honestly. He’s already told you and shown you you are second, maybe even third, choice and always will be as long as you’re willing and have something he needs. Im not sure why you think so little of yourself but I suggest seeking help so your kids have better example.


You are only fooling yourself. He hasn’t changed, and isn’t going to. He’s playing the game with you now because he doesn’t have another place or woman lined up. He is using you as a hold over place in between women. You need to decide that you are worthy of someone’s complete love and attention. It’s not this guy.


He has got U so messed up. U need to leave and cut all contact with him. If he tries for custody go thru mediation. Do not have contact with him I can feel the manipulation from here. Also, U might want to get yourself checked for stds as it’s not just your mental health he is putting at risk.


When someone shows you their true colors, don’t try to repaint them. People dont change drastically overnight, he can say he has, I can say I’m a llama. . . Doesn’t mean it’s true. Look into the cycle of abuse, it’s always nice and romantic in the beginning but it’ll start all over again for as long as you keep letting him come back. He doesn’t respect you and you continuously taking him back just tells him he can have his fun and you’ll get over it.


Girl I know you ain’t that desperate to be settling for a man who has disrespected and used you several times.
Why would you want your children to be exposed to somebody like that? Why would you want your children to see how he treats you and then think that is the way. Be with somebody who sets a good example.


Fight for you!! You deserve better!! He don’t care about you!! You are just his comfort zone!! If he wouldn’t have you, he be living under a bridge with chlamydia :joy: girl pick up your crown and find a dude that deserves you​:ok_hand:t2:

Unacceptable behavior. Repeats itself over and over. You don’t deserve to be treated like that and neither do your kids. Breaking it off doesn’t have to mean he can’t try to be there in a co-parenting situation but it would mean he’d be done using you. If it’s still felt that giving him another chance can work, both try individual counseling and also couples counseling. If he’s not willing to go to counseling to work on himself and not willing to go to counseling with you, the person he wants to be in a relationship with, then that would tell me a lot.

You feel like a second choice because honestly you are. You’ve seen his actions and obviously he doesn’t change. A TRUE apology is a changed behavior! You keep letting him come back and now he knows you’ll be there when he’s got nothing else. Think about your kids here. Would you want them to feel like you do? Especially your daughter. She’s going to learn what she thinks a man should be based on what she sees! You’re better than that and so are you kids!!

1 Like

Your instincts are telling you something that’s why you can’t get past it. Read the book codependency no more and find your worth because its definitely a lot more than what he’s put you through.

No this is not worth any more tries.

You already gave me him multiple chances and nothing changed. Get out of it and find someone worth a try.:heart:


Its no for me. This is the definition of love is blind. So this chick chased away a girl for herself and then Says she feels like a second choice. You took that choice away from him not knowing if he would have chose you in the first place. You had his baby. Your home base and clearly you don’t have a problem with it.

1 Like

If he’s lying and sneaking around, he won’t change. Don’t go back to him and move forward, on and off relationships do not work out

Stop being a doormat. He isn’t worth it. He is a tool who is using you. You and your child deserve better. He won’t change.


Walk away. It only gets worse and you will only be more broken.


I think you have been through alot and perhaps someone else other than him should show you your self worth…

1 Like

Once a cheater always a cheater! You should never feel like 2nd place and if you do it’s the wrong situation for you! Get him gone and move on! So you can be someone’s ONLY choice xx

1 Like

Please run. He’s obviously only with you because you told the other woman so he has no choice. He sees you as a fool

If Lisa Bonet can leave Lenny Kravitz for cheating, you can certainly leave this guy. :100::100::100::100:

1 Like

He has cheated before, and shown you that other’s come first before you, and your children. Get out while you can, save yourself from year’s of pain.

Im sorry people are are laughing at this post. I think cu your losses your too good for him my lovely xx

I’d dismiss him as a loss and move on to someone who actually values you.

Move on to better things. Your wasting your time on this dude. Love yourself enough to move on

He keeps cheating and coming back to you because he can. If you set boundaries and keep them he can’t keep doing that. If he loves you he wouldn’t be doing this. You’re a place to lie his head when he’s not busy cheating. Don’t be that person. And don’t be that example to your child.


Please get some self respect and run far away.

Past behaviour determines future behaviour. I would be running as fast as I can.

Sounds like a super lost cause

Lol no he won’t ever change…

Girl. You need to run fast

Why fight so hard for someone to hurt u?

You want this to work…why?

I think you know the answer. Nothing about this says that man actually loves you. Sounds like you’re just there and convenient. Move on and find someone who actually give you the energy you deserve cause this ain’t that sis.


I wouldn’t waste anymore time with him. He has shown you his true colors, it’s up to you to actually see them. He isn’t gonna change. This is that honeymoon phase where he comes back and things are good for a little bit and then he goes right back to doing what he does. You deserve better. If this were your daughter telling you that this was how she was being treated what would you tell her to do? Unless he really wants to change for himself and he puts in the work to change then he won’t. Move on and be happy.

You need to A. Get on a good birth control. B. Leave that man alone tell him he can see his kid and that’s all. He’s using you and will continue to do so. You can and will do better if you get away from him

1 Like

My best advice to you is to run. As fast as you can. His choices are no reflection of you, but of his own insecurities and selfishness. It will be difficult without him for a while, but worth it in the end. Spare yourself the additional pain and take our advice. I’ve been through situations similar and it is not a good time. Lean on your kids. They will be what gets you through. Wishing you the best. :heart:

Why is this even a question get the fuck away from this tool he doesn’t love you at all tbh he probably doesn’t even like you he’s 1000% using you for a place to stay when all his playmates realize he’s trash and leave him and he comes running back to you bc you allow it. Ijs your letting your kids see u be treated like that and put on the back burner do u want them to think that’s how u treat someone. And they deserve to be treated like shit so they aren’t alone. Absolutely not. Do not let that boy back in your house tell him to figure it the fuck out on his own. I have zero sympathy for this boy.

Men only change if they 1) want to, 2) actually really love you. There’s no forcing, or telling them you’re going to leave, over and over again. If they are doing something to hurt you and you keep telling them, and they continue, OR you keep breaking up and getting back together and they just keep doing the same hurtful crap, they’re not going to change. Only you can decide how many chances you’re going to give someone and how much you’re going to put up with. Also, a man will treat you exactly how he feels about you and how you allow him to. Remember that!!! You have to at some point decide when enough is enough. Also, learn to love yourself enough. You deserve better. Just because you have a kid with this loser doesn’t mean you have to stay with him. He’s a child trying to play a man and has no clue what he wants and is playing house with whatever woman allows him to. Let’s face it, like someone else said you’re not even a choice at this point. Also your children are watching you and what you’re allowing. Do you really want them growing up thinking it’s ok to treat people that way or its ok to put up with being treated like that?! Good luck. :heart:

You need to dump that jackass. You are a priority not an option. You need to focus on yourself with self love. Cut negative ties and negative energies with him. Remember…a leopard never changes his spots.

At what point do you stop blaming him for the shit he is and start blaming yourself for accepting it? I promise, you can do better. He is a liar, he has zero respect for you, he is constantly on the look out for better, you aren’t the second choice, you are just what he assumes is going to be there always, no matter what he does, who he fucks, what he says. You have 4 daughters, do you want them to grow up believing that thats what relationships are? That being used by a selfish entitled prick is all they are good for? I apologise if this sounds harsh, but you are enabling his utter bullshit.

Run don’t walk away from that scum. These types of dudes are called narcs. You don’t want to deal w that. Especially w a child. Do yourself the favor and throw out that trash. It’s not worth it. He will not change. Soon he will be cross dressing and cheating with dudes and married individuals. Just don’t put yourself through it anynore.

Throw the whole man out. :woman_shrugging:t3: He is taking valuable time from another man who wants to treat you right.


Why would anybody want a guy that can’t even provide his own place for starters? That’s the most unattractive thing ever and folks are over here getting pregnant by such. Get some self worth and self respect. You are his last choice.

You’re wasting your time.

1 Like

Once a cheater always a cheater

Move on with your life… to be alone would be an upgrade

Girl right now, you are like the dollar menu at McDonald’s…

The dollar menu is good when you broke, desperate, don’t feel like going somewhere nice, or need something quick and easy. Cause no one wants to live eating off the dollar menu for ever.

1 Like

Why do you think you deserve to be treated that way? Guys like that will keep doing it because they know you allow it and won’t leave. Set an example for your kids and yourself. No one deserves to be treated like a piece of trash. The best thing is to walk away but I think you already know that.

I say this from a loving place …
Your daughters are watching everything you do with this man. You’re teaching them that this is what love is.

If you need advice ask yourself this - what would you tell your daughters if they came to you in this same situation asking the same questions?? You’d tell them to get out and that they’re worth more than he could ever deserve.

THAT is your answer. THAT is what YOU need to do. The cycle will continue if you don’t show strength and show your daughters that this is NOT what love is. If you stay and continue to run in circles with him, they’ll be right where you’re standing one day.

He sounds super weird and creepy. Bye.

1 Like

Don’t expect a man to change for you. Look for someone who appreciates you. He clearly doesn’t - so there’s really no reason to stay.

The only person you can change is you. If you’re with someone expecting them to change you’re in the wrong relationship.

You’re not 2nd choice, you’re the only choice temporarily and only with him because the girl you told has the good sense to block him. She is who you should model behavior from.

He’s a fk-boy. Play with fire, get burned. You’re wasting your youth and screwing up your kids with abandonment issues by permitting this in and out nonsense.

By allowing it once you’re giving permission to let him use and continue to use you. And lastly, he’s gross.

I hope that as you were typing this, you realize that you are always the second choice.

If your daughter asked what you just did
what Would you tell her to do?

1 Like

He won’t change!!! Get on with your life and tell him that you want Him out​:cry::cry:

Run. Get out of this. You do not deserve to be treated like this. This isn’t how a relationship is supposed to be. You will always be his backup. Don’t be there for him anymore. You are worth more than 2nd.

What you allow is what will continue

Please don’t do that to yourself. Tell him to get lost and never look back.

Um no its not gona work out and he won’t change. He is using you. Get out and get some help and work on yourself

1 Like

This man is showing you in a every single way possible that he doesn’t respect you and is clearly using you, yet you continue to roll out the red carpet. I’m sure you realize you deserve better than that. Don’t be desperate to be with a man that doesn’t want to be with you. This is going to sound mean, but you’re not even second choice, you’re a filler until someone else comes along. Be strong for your kids and move on.


I’m not trying to be rude but I have no idea why you even asked for advice when you clearly know he isn’t for you… his actions and words suggest that he doesn’t take your relationship seriously. He might have blocked that girl… but there will be others.


Run girl run fast and don’t look back, relationship wise it’s NEVER gonna work. He still has a job to be a parent to the child make it legal if he doesn’t do it on his own. But the relationship is never gonna wor.


Honey I am going to be gentle as possible here, because I understand being in a similar situation before myself. He is using you, he even told you as much (yes it was awhile ago, but still). The BEST advice I have ever gotten was- if you wouldn’t want your child do deal with it in their relationship, DON’T STAY!! Girl he is eventually going to cheat again and may be doing it now, just learned his lesson to be more sly about it. Head up and move on, the right person is out there for you somewhere!! I met the love of my life after making a conscious decision to stop allowing people to use me. Now I have never been happier and I am absolutely in the best relationship in my life! Don’t EVER settle, especially in relationships. Get out and move on honey, he doesn’t respect or care about you. He may act like it in the moment, but he will only hurt you AND your kids in the end. The longer you stay the more your kids become attached and the more it will hurt them!


When people show you who they are, believe them. He has shown you time and time again who he is. Believe him. You and your children deserve better.


You deserve so much better and your kids deserve nothing but the best, which would be a You and no toxic man around. Please don’t let him back in. :pray:


He has shown you his true colors time and again. He must have the magic peen or some shit because this is some behavior that should NEVER be put up with! Putting it as honestly as possible: he doesn’t care about your feelings at all and his actions show that.


You were a second choice and a convenience. Leave now and have an amazing life without him!


If you’re questioning it I think you know I’m your heart he isn’t the one. You deserve better. He might act changed for a little bit but will end up doing the same thing. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.

He has given you no reason to trust him. He has used you and lied to you and he knows you are there so has no reason to change. You have children who do not need to be around someone who treats their mom so horribly.

You are worth far more than he is giving you. So move on…find happiness within yourself and someone who cherishes you will come along

People like that never change. If you want change - leave. If your okay being treated as a doormat stay. If he loved you as much as you seem to care for him, he would never be doing this to you.

He doesn’t love you. He loves how easy you are . Would you encourage another girl to go through with this? What type of relationship is he teaching the kids to have? Is he teaching your daughters what kind of love they deserve? Is he showing your boys how to love and respect women?

1 Like

Run run and run as fast as you can. If it was a one time thing and you wanted to try and work threw that I would say give it a chance, but he has disrespected you over and over again. Please know your worth, you deserve so much better then what he is doing. Don’t show your daughter that it’s ok to be treated like that. I know she’s to young now, but one day she won’t be. I know it will hurt and you will miss him for a while, but one day you will wake up and it won’t hurt as much.

Anyone can change, however that doesn’t mean he will, nor does it mean that you will be able to trust him or get the doubt of your mind that you’re not good enough. You need to move on for you and your kids sake. They need stability, as do you. Never settle!!

Definitely move on you should never be someone’s second choice or have to deal with what u have went through I don’t think he will change sounds like he is using u to have a place to stay hope all works out for you

Respect yourself and leave. Love your child enough to leave. They will learn that is how you treat people and it’s ok to accept. You deserve so much more!!

Girl, you gotta stand up for yourself and your kids. Children need consistency in their lives, or at least it helps. If he can’t be consistent with you, how could you ever expect that for your kids, too? Don’t be afraid to hurt his feelings :100:

I’m going to be blunt…that man doesn’t want you or love you. You’re a convenient body and place to stay. You’re never going to be his first choice and you’re never going to be the only woman in his life. Ask yourself, would you want your daughter treated this way?

Your letting him use you. He keeps coming because you are letting him. Kick him out cuz he is NOT worth your time girl. Go find yourself a real man that will treat you the way you SHOULD be treated without even trying.

There’s only one thing to say. He hasn’t gotten better in the relationship, he’s gotten better at hiding his infidelity. Get out now. Your whole relationship is a BIG red flag. Do you want your child to have the same relationship with their partner??? Because they will. It took me far to long to realize I was just repeating my mother’s mistakes.

Honey, there is nothing about this relationship that isn’t toxic. I’ve been there. 3 years of my life wasted bc the entire time he was still talking to ex’s. You know nothing has changed right? Chances are he’s still talking to someone. You all are a game. There will never be trust here and you deserve far better than this. It’s never going to change and only a matter of time till he does it again. Leave with what sanity and self love you have left. Y’all are just pawns and hurt is going to come soon. It’s just a matter of when. My ex emotional and mentally destroyed me. He gaslighted me to make me constantly think it was my imagination. Run. Doesn’t matter if kids are involved or not. He’s using you but I think you already know this.

Why are you asking us my dear?

You already have your answer. None of us can change what you clearly already feel/know.

You need to love yourself more. And stop being with a guy who doesn’t deserve you. I understand you have a “family” with him. But what kind of family is it when you aren’t showing your children what true love looks like. You owe it to yourself and your children to stop trying with the safe option. Because that’s what he is your safe option you know what you’re getting with him.

Remember you are amazing and deserve to be loved.

The doubt will always be there since he cheated weather its once or multiple times put value in yourself and do what u think is right if u can’t trust him and will always wonder if he’s cheating do u think u can live with that or not it’s your choice to live with

Telling you to leave the guy would be worthless what you need to do is put yourself in counseling and find out why you keep letting yourself be treated like this

the chances are against him unfortunately. he has gotten away with it before and that thought will always be in his head. people like this rarely ever change. don’t settle for that crap, you will teach your children to follow the same footsteps.

I believe you know the answer based on his past behavior. I completely understand wanting a partner, your family
together, and loving a flawed person. I believe its time to love yourself most. Let him go and focus on loving you and your kids. Find someone who treats you like you treat them. You are worth it. So are your children. It will be painful and hard and you will look back glad you did it. You’ve got this!

You are his 2nd,3rd and 4th choice. He has shown you so many times. He will never be the man you want him to be. Seems like he likes the control he has over you. Why would you keep letting him back into your life? Move on, change your number and stop with the madness. Disconnect completely.

Girl, I admire your tenacity to make it work, but he sucks. Get a new man. One that will love you for you. Let him use someone else. Get free, get happy

Omg, run as fast as you can. The beginning of a relationship is when they treat you best and try to win your heart. He is just consistently using you. There will always be another girl he pursues. Find your pride and kick him to the curb. You are teaching your girls that this kind of relationship is ok.

He’s using you. Your a easy thing for him. Get some self esteem and dump him and move on. Maybe get some counseling to find out why you were so willing to be used like that.

I can’t even fathom why you would want to be with someone who has/continues to treat you with any less respect than he would want himself. Im not trying to be rude, I mean this with love dear, but YOU need to KNOW YOUR WORTH and accept nothing less than that. By you wanting to work things out with this man is showing YOUR children how relationships are. If you have girls, this right here sets them up to settle for an a****** and shows them it is normal and ok to be betrayed and in disloyal relationships. If you have boys, this 100% shows them if they cheat on girls and disrespect them and sneak around that it’s OK because they should love and forgive them at the end of the day. My advice is seriously to really sit back and learn exactly what you are worth and accept nothing less. Toss this guy to the curb. Get an STD check since he’s been throwing his :rooster:all over the place. Work on yourself, loving yourself, build up that confidence. Find a MAN, not a boy who plays games. Show those kids their mama doesn’t settle for any bs and that they never should either. And honey, you’re not missing out on anything if you start to miss him. Seriously. Guy sounds like a total loser.

If you still have to question where you stand after all of this time then I would say no it’s not worth anymore of your time. You deserve someone who never makes you question where you stand from the start and never makes you feel like a 2nd choice. Usually men like that don’t change their behavior, they change their strategy to keep from getting caught all while enjoying the benefits of both

You are only fooling yourself lovely. Time to walk away and have some self respect for yourself.
He won’t change, ever.
And this is a bad example for your children, teaching them that this is the normal relationship when it’s not. You would definitely not want your kids dating someone like him would u?
Have some self respect and walk away, because you deserve better than this.

Why would you wanna be with someone like that?
You need to flip the narrative. You’re worried about being HIS second choice? Who cares where you stand in his line up? He’s a bad fish girl. Just throw him back and don’t ever place your value on a mans opinion of you.