My Husband Refuses to Stay Home and Help with Our New Baby After I Had a C-Section: Advice?

Pregnancy
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QUESTION:

"Hi, everyone. I’m looking for advice on what to do. I had a C-section over two weeks ago. My husband was off for two weeks’ paternity but choose to work 3 of the days for the sake of it.

At present, he works two days a week but normally works for others in-between similar to overtime. Having had a C-section and a toddler at home alongside now a newborn, we discussed him taking an extra week or two off. He agreed and then decided he wants to work.

So we agreed for him to work his two days for two weeks and nothing extra, so he can be at home and help me and with the toddler, as I cannot lift or do much yet. He agreed, then the next day decided he is working 4 days this week and a full week the following and not his normal hours - working from possibly 9 am to 9 pm for the full week.

He also refused to tell me about this as he knew it would annoy me. He expects other people to watch our toddler because he chooses to work rather than help out and thinks it’s acceptable, and when asked about this he said if I was at work other people would be watching our toddler this amount of time.

I’ve mentioned to him numerous times the past few days that we need his help, and that’s why we didn’t want him doing the extra days so he could help us but he refuses to care or listen. He thinks it’s acceptable for other people to help and look after us because he chooses not to as he would rather work for the day.

Money is not the problem here but he is saying it’s more money and wants to work - even though we do not need it!! I am at odds with what to do. I’ve asked him for help and he refuses to give it to us. What do you do when your husband cannot put you and your family as a priority when he knows this is the one time you need him?"

RELATED QUESTION: I Just Had a C-Section and My Husband Doesn’t Help Me With Anything: Advice?

TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):

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“It really surprises me that all these ladies are saying it’s fine. If he can be there with you and help you he should. It also allows him to have bonding time with the new child. Who wouldn’t want to bond with their child?”

“I don’t see such a big problem with it. And just because you don’t NEED the money right now, doesn’t mean you don’t need it at all.”

“I had a C-section 13 days ago and my children’s father took near 2 weeks off without even telling me to help me with the kids. We’re not even in a relationship. Your husband is being really inconsiderate. I am still in pain from the invasive surgery to retrieve our child from my womb. I take Tylenol on the clock and have been told by my children’s father to take a nap whenever I need one lmao. For some reason, he’d rather be at work than home and that’s sus as hell. Talk to him and figure it out because you will become resentful of him for it.”

“Ok, so it seems like a lot of people on here are just telling you to suck it up. Um…no. If he doesn’t need to be at work and y’all are good financially, he needs to be home. I don’t care how much diapers are. I don’t care how much formula is. If you say you’re good financially, then you’re good that way. Y’all agreed on something and he didn’t follow through. That’s that. He obviously does not want to be home to help you, mentally and physically. Maybe on his day off, you need to hand off the kids and leave to go do something yourself. If you’re breastfeeding, pump and leave breast milk. You need to take a few hours to yourself, away from your kids and husband. But first and foremost, you need to tell your husband how you feel and discuss with him that he went back on what y’all said. And figure out why he did that. Does he not want to take care of the baby/toddler? Does he think you really need the money? Is he actually at work? Sit down with him and tell him that if he refuses to listen to you right after you BIRTHED HIS BABY, then he doesn’t deserve you. You deserve better than that.”

“I don’t have any advice. But I want to say I am sorry you are going through this. I have been where you are. I worked up until the week before I had a C-section with my last baby. I got a total of six hours of sleep in 3 days during my stay at the hospital, yes he was with me but didn’t lift a finger, slept all night as nothing had changed, the nurses helped me more than he did and after the first day of being home, I was on my feet doing house chores driving my other 3 children where they needed to go. I resumed my normal activity as if I hadn’t just had a c section because I had no choice (he had time off and he still did what he chose to do) which wasn’t helping me with anything. I went back to work after 4 months of being home and being the sole caretaker of my son. I wish I could say things changed but they didn’t and haven’t. It takes a toll on you and your relationship and I hope you don’t grow to resent your spouse. He should have helped and didn’t. All men should be more involved with their children. Some just aren’t. Best of luck.”

“My husband stayed home with me for three months after I had my C-section with our daughter! He is a very loving and caring man! If my husband did that, I would be highly upset too!”

“I can’t believe some of the responses on here. Having a baby is not easy and if she’s saying money isn’t an issue and they’ve discussed it then he did his own thing without telling her, that’s not okay. Hugs to you mama. I’m having a similar struggle right now, I work 2 jobs, 35 weeks pregnant, and have my toddler by myself and my husband doesn’t do anything when he’s at home. Maybe reach out for some support over the phone during the day? Or maybe counseling? Sometimes just having someone to vent and listen to you helps ease the mind. Prayers to you!”

Have a response to this question? Leave it below to help a mama out! Or leave your own question and get responses from real moms!

READ ALL ANSWERS BELOW:

96 Likes
2

Eh. My husband only took a few days off with each child I had… I had 3, 18 months apart, and 23 months apart. I only actually needed help for a few days after, yeah it was difficult so times, but my husband needed to work. I didn’t need him home for a month.

7 Likes
3

I know people will hate me for this, but sounds like you’re better off without him. You got this momma!

11 Likes
4

To be fair. You should be moving around and what not after 2 weeks. I got out of the hospital walking 24 hours after both my c sections. Just take it easy. He needs to pay the bills somehow. Also when getting off the bed just roll not sit up :rofl::rofl:

25 Likes
5

I don’t see such a big problem with it. And just because you don’t NEED the money right now, doesn’t mean you don’t need it at all.

10 Likes
6

My husband only took 1 extra day off after we left the hospital after my c section. I was getting better day by day, and I know it sucks, but it’s not impossible. Plus, after 2 weeks I was back to almost normal. Some pain here and there, but I could do most of my normal things!

4 Likes
7

Men staying home do not feel useful or manly. Hate to say it that way but it is how they feel. He was home two weeks, that’s awesome many don’t stay home more than a day or two. I think that after two weeks you should be able to move around alot more. I had two c sections. I was told to not lift anymore than I normally had lifted. Its hard sometimes but you got this.

4 Likes
8

My husband always worked after I had our babies. I guess I’m old school & that’s what we did. There was no paternity leave then. I was up walking around 1 day after & just super tired. I don’t think most guys get it but I’d older folks just did what we had to do!!!

3 Likes
9

I had a few days with him and back to work he went. I was up and doing everything days later.

2 Likes
10

Don’t let these comments make you feel shitty. It is ok to NEED HELP AND ASK FOR IT!!! Maybe if he continues to insist ask for some help from family and friends?

11

I’m so happy for you that he got 2 weeks. My husband only got 3 days fmla. I can see both points of view but he’s ready to get back to it. Gotta pay the bills somehow. Is there anyway you can get help from a friend or relative? I’ve had 2 c sections but I have 6 living and 1 angel. I had to go back to normal everyday life regardless. I’m 4 month pp atm and feel really good since having my 2nd c-section. I think you got this. Don’t stress too much hon. Try to encourage your older child to be a big helper. Make it fun to help mommy. You got this.

2 Likes
12

My husband only stayed home for the 1st four days. It was scary & challenging at first but it gets easier. I’m so grateful for the hard work and long hours my husband puts in, on call 365 days a year 24/7. Holidays, birthdays it doesn’t matter. If there is work he goes. Because of him I am able to stay home with our babies and have everything we could need.
I feel like your husband is just doing what he feels is his responsibility, providing for his family. Taking that much time off can cause financial strain on anyone he may just be trying to ensure everything is taken care of.

2 Likes
13

My husband stayed home with me for three months after I had my c section with our daughter! He is a very loving and caring man! If my husband did that, I would be highly upset too!

7 Likes
14

I’d be upset if he COULD be there. Honestly I’d be livid. That being said, my ex-husband had to work after my c-section. I survived.

2 Likes
15

I know everyone is saying they don’t see a problem with it but I do. I was in the hospital for two weeks after my csection and could barely move. I am so thankful for my husband. He had to stay home with our daughter while I was in the hospital and when I got released he stayed home for an extra week to help me get adjusted to being home. If he wouldn’t have been there for me I probably would have been extremely disappointed in him. The moments during pregnancy and after are the most crucial for a relationship in my opinion. It makes or breaks it.

13 Likes
16

I’m currently pregnant with my 3rd due February 25 with a two year old and a 10 year old I don’t expect my husband to take off very long due to the fact he is the only one working be thankful for the time he has been able to take off because not all places give that option as far as I know my husband isn’t going to be able to take off probably more than a day or two so be thankful especially if he is the only one providing

17

I had 4 kids under 6 when I had my daughter c section. My husband didn’t have the option of getting time off. And no family to help. I had to move and take care of my kids. :smirk:

4 Likes
18

Men can get depressed after births too. Sit down and have a proper talk

1 Like
19

Jesus hes so self centred. To be honest I’d be gone. If he cant A do what’s agreed B put my health and the welfare of his kids first C do something I’ve asked when I’ve expressed I need reallly need his help I’d be gone. My husband took a month off 2 weeks paternity and 2 weeks holidays to help. Did I need it no not really after 2 weeks I was fine but it was nice to have support and he wanted to bond with his son too.

9 Likes
20

I’m sorry but all men are like this to a point. Let him provide for the family. I never had a c-section but I had hard births and severe back problems and the father of my children all went back to work to provide. :woman_shrugging: You will be ok just make sure your toddler understands you can’t hold them or sit on the floor and hold them is need be. I wasn’t able to lift my toddler after the birth of my daughter or hold my daughter without another adult there unless I was sitting because my body was still recovering from all the blood loss with my daughter. Her dad worked 2 days after I had her because he wanted and I survived without him.

1 Like
21

I’m sorry to hear all the unsupportive comments on here. I was incredibly lucky and my husband stayed home for an entire month after my c section and I didn’t change a diaper that first month. Some people can do it all I guess but I NEEDED my husbands help. It’s awful your husband isn’t taking your needs into consideration, it sounds more like he’s avoiding being at home and dealing with the chaos. I’d call him out on his bullshit behavior because they are HIS kids as well

22

I think its amazing he was off for two weeks. I had a 17month old at home and a newborn. He had to go back to work the day after we got home from the hospital both times. Both of mine were also c sections. You just have to find a routine for.you and the babies. Its hard but honestly it’s not going to be easy for quiet sometime.

3 Likes
23

I had no help and a toddler as well he took a week off but spent it partying and drinking ugh

2 Likes
24

I went thur something like that with my 2nd child, think he’s a bit afraid to stay with two kids I mean its a bit change and a new born you kind forget what to do sometimes. Maybe get some family help mean while it won’t hurt, and if its still the same then maybe leave for a while see if he really want to be around any more

25

I had a c section and had no help. And had twins. Let him work you will be fine

7 Likes
26

Why is it that you specifically want him home with you, if others are available to help/be hired? Did he stay home with you for an extended period with the first child? If he doesn’t feel useful at home, then how much help will he truly be. He might feel best being the provider as opposed to the nurturer. I don’t think either one of you are truly expressing your “whys”. There is probably room for compromise/ middle ground…seek that if possible.

4 Likes
27

My fiance took the first month off work for our first. He works out of town and is only home 2 and a half days a week and wanted time to bond with her before having to go back to “real life work”. Although he has never woken up with her during the night he does help during the day when he was here

28

I really don’t know what to tell you. My husband would have took the week off for me. Tell him that God’s know everything he does and turning his back on you and your family that is just like turning his back on him. To think about it. Then leave him to do so. And see if the lord works on his heart. You pray for him to before you confront him . Then leave him alone and you go pray for him and your family be patient and wait . If’s he knows the lord it’s will work

1 Like
29

Is he helping at least when he is home from work?!

30

It really surprises me that all these ladies are saying it’s fine. If he can be there with you and help you he should. It also allows him to have bonding time with the new child. Who wouldn’t want to bond with their child?

21 Likes
31

So you’re not capable of taking care of your children. He’s working to provide for his family. I’d be grateful for that because some men don’t even want to do that. :person_shrugging:

13 Likes
32

Use some of that extra money and hire help and stop chewing on his butt for wanting to provide

1 Like
33

I can feel how you felt I had Csection also and my husband was always at work he never stayed home so my mom took me to her place.

1 Like
34

I have 3 kids. 3,2 and newborn. My man went back to work 6 or 7 days after birth.

35

If he wants to work then hire someone to help you.

36

Just let him go to work. Get help from your mom or other family members. At least he is providing.

2 Likes
37

I wanted my husband to work. My family was more than happy to help me. Maybe just ask for help

1 Like
38

Depends on how your body handles everything. I couldn’t barely move or do anything myself for almost a month after giving birth. Some people are fine the second after birth.

1 Like
39

Honestly I think woman let me get away with to much and thats why there’s so many that are absolutely useless when it comes to being in a home with someone

5 Likes
40

As a woman who had 2 c-sections 3 years apart… expecting your husband to stay home with you more than the first few days, is just childish. I was 19 years old with my first, 22 years old with my second. So I had a newborn and a 3 year old… someone had to work and support us. So expecting a man to stay home and “baby” you is a bit much. The more movement you do the less sore you are. Granted my c-sections were not the new side way bathing suit cut , mine was pelvic bone to belly button. My children are almost 39 and 36… I’m definitely old school. It’s time for women to let men be the provider and women be the homemaker and child keeper. I had a hysterectomy 9 years after my second c-section cut the same way … he had to work then as well, he didn’t even stay overnight .I had a 3 day hospitalization, he took one day for my surgery, and left work to drive me home while our children were in school…did I feel mistreated, absolutely not! He had a family to care for. I missed 6 weeks of work then, only 6 weeks. I didn’t work until my first child started school. Quit being sissies

6 Likes
41

Let him work. You should be almost back to normal after 2 weeks. My husband didnt even get to bring me home from the hospital he couldnt take any time off at all. He was at the hospital when I had the baby thats it.

3 Likes
42

Unplug the cable box , that’ll get his attention, joking of course :laughing: . New dads are in a unique situation ie they no longer have your :100: attention, there’s this ‘blob’ that can’t yet throw a football with, etc it’s definitely an ‘adjustment’ for them too. I would figure out creative ways to get him more involved, make it ‘fun’ or ‘creative’ motivating drivers like maybe some sort of ‘baby fantasy football’ game that you can create a leader board or something that might foster his creative parenting that also allows him to bond with your newborn. There are great books out there too that might help. Remember, these are precious moments and taking care of yourself is a GOOD thing, remind him that YOU need to be healthy too in order to take care of your new baby. And family. It’s the new DREAM TEAM! Congratulations on your bundle of joy, enjoy! :baby:t3: :two_hearts:
https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.moms.com/best-books-for-first-time-parents/amp/

43

It’s been 2 weeks not 2 days. I have 5 kids and just learned how to do what I could within my limits. You do t have to lift your toddler, sit and cuddle or find things you can do.

2 Likes
44

I wish my man could have had 2 weeks or more with me! But he couldn’t stay home with me for weeks and still get paid! Get a friend or family member to help you!! Be lucky you had 2 weeks with him! Some of you calling him a pos or saying leave is just crazy!! I could see if he was hanging with friends but he is making money to support his family, but if she put a post saying he wasn’t supporting all you would be on him and calling names! Sometimes men just can’t win with some of you women just want it all! Bills aren’t going to pay themselves

4 Likes
45

My man toom like 2 days off from work after I had a c section he still helped me with things when he got home but I was pretty much myself… if he’s gonna be rude about helping you then give him an ultimatum cause it sounds like he’s doing it on purpose to get away from you guys…

1 Like
46

And you’re having children with this man why???

4 Likes
47

The only thing my husband took off for was the birth the next day he was right back at work

1 Like
48

And if I gave birth in the middle of the night he was at work the next morning

49

Now before all the “Karen’s” chime in, I don’t mean to come off as rude but it sounds like you expect to get waited on hand and foot. As a mom of three, my middle daughter was an emergency c-section. Recovery sucked for the first few days but life carries on. Hubby went back to work and I continued to take care of my 2.5 year old along with the newborn while finishing up my degree. Sounds like your husband is trying to do a good job of providing for your family… not all men are that way. At least he is working hard so you don’t have to live paycheck to paycheck like alot of people do. Just for the sake of your relationship, please be grateful for the hard work he is doing to provide for your family. Do your part also. Teamwork and love.

7 Likes
50

I’ve had 4 c-sections and my ex husband always went back to work the day after. For the last he didn’t even get off work, he just came to the hospital afterwards. Suck it up.

6 Likes
51

I think the issue is more that he went back on his agreement…
I’d be fuming and hurt too.
his lack of care about it aswell doesn’t sit right with me either…
I am not too sure what I’d do sorry no help but I hope you work things out for the better!

5 Likes
52

Everyday I see things that make me so grateful for the MAN I have at home. This is today’s. Sorry your husband sucks.

7 Likes
53

You will be okay. I had a toddler and newborn by myself 4 days after I had my c-section. Just take it easy. Obviously don’t do anything too crazy but it is okay to have a lazy day at home with the kiddos. Watch some family movies and take it eas.y

6 Likes
54

All these women who are like well I did with no help, that’s your problem. If she wants him home and they can afford it that is what should happen. My husband took his leave, 12 weeks. He is probably selfish in other ways too. Gotta be careful who we decide to marry

10 Likes
55

My husband locked me out of the bedroom the first few days home after my c-section and I also had a bladder bag I had to tote around for the week after I came home. He said he needed his sleep. I’ll never forget how he treated me. I had major PP depression because of how he acted. He didn’t bond with our son until he was about 6 months old. Still to this day he will make comments about how I’m lazy or like to do nothing all day while he works. Men just don’t get how hard it is. I’m sorry you’re going through this. I would sit him down and have a long talk. Maybe it will work. Men are so selfish and self absorbed. :angry:

7 Likes
56

I had 3 c-section and was up and walking the hall of the hospital 12 hours after. My first was the worst but the other two weren’t as bad. I didnt even use the pain medication that was given to me. My ex was there but I didnt need his help. But I would still tell him that you need a hand with the kids and the house.

57

My husband left for basic a week after my second c section. I had a toddler and a newborn by myself along with animals. It’s a little rough sometimes I’m not gonna lie but it is do able. By 2 weeks you should very well be walking around good. Clearly there’s still some pain every once in a while, and what he did annoyed you but it’s definitely do able.

2 Likes
58

Lol do you want him to stay home or for him to be able to pay bills so you can stay home with the littles? Damn. You should be doing some normal things now after two weeks post op.

59

Can you put your toddler into nursery if money isnt an issue or ask family or friends to help? Totally get why your annoyed after him saying he would be home more often and then hes not. Just adds more onto your shoulders. It’s a tough time for all mums with a new born you need the help now. Couldn’t have got through everything without my hubby there he took 3 weeks off (bar working 1 Saturday) he practically done everything as I was breast feeding. His instincts kicked in right away. I hope everything is ok. Just remember your a strong lady x

60

While I was in the hospital with. My fiances and our first child I ended up having to have an Emergency Csection and he had to go to work the following morning I was a wreck, but I understand that he needed his job so we wouldnt have to stress about money I bawled because i wanted him to be in the hospital with me and then even after being released he still had to work so I was then home alone with our newborn and then 11 months later I had another Csection due to how close my pregnancies was and the Dr said I could have more complications if I tried vaginally so we had an 11 month old and a newborn and he didnt get anytime off then either and he wasnt even able to be at the hospital when I had our daughter!

61

I came home had help for a week and was on my own with 2 toddlers and a newborn mon-fri after having an emergency c section. I’m sorry but get over yourself be happy he wants to work and provide.

4 Likes
62

I wish my husband could take 2 weeks off but unfortunately he might get one week, if that. By 2 weeks though I was doing pretty much my usual stuff, I had a newborn and 1 year old so it can be difficult. He could just work the hours needed for a little bit though just to give you a little help until you adjust to have 2 babies.

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63

I had 2 csections and one natural. mine didn’t even stay home w me but a few days. I was also preclamptic post partum for 6 wks high risk. I have other kids too. I was fine. He wants to work let him work. It’s been 2 wks u can move around just no lifting. I was back in school 2 wks after bc I had to. It was end of my college and I had exams so I went took it and passed. Someone has to work. My husband was even offered a few more days paid time and he went back. At least u have someone that wants to provide for u. Some ppl can’t say that. Think AB all the single mamas out there that did all alone and went back to work 6 wks after! It’s not that bad sweetie. For u to say u or the kids are not his priority is selfish . What do u think he is doing. Providing! Money is fine now but things happen and it’s better to have some for the just in case.

64

Mines taking 3 weeks off to help me.

1 Like
65

If she wanted to do it on her own then she would have stayed single. And most of y’all are settling with bullshit men.

66

I had 4 C sections, hubby took off the first week and my mom and sister helped the second week, you do what you can and leave the rest… of you need help with household things…like laundry mostly see if someone can help switch loads.
I know everyone heals at different rates but if you are tired or hurting sit down and snuggle the toddler, while baby is sleeping. You got this!!

67

My husband went to work the day I got home from the hospital with my first, and practically was at work when I had my second (I gave birth at the hospital he worked at lol) and while I had natural births, its still overwhelming having kids, but I didn’t expect him to help me much other than getting me where I need to be and taking over the shopping and such. Everything else is me. Im sorry that your husband chose work but at 2 weeks you should be able to do most normal activities, and he’s probably worried about money and making sure everyone has what they need. Men tend to think of providing as their duty, especially if they are the sole provider for that period. Sit down and talk to him, tell him your feelings, but you can’t honestly be that mad, you’re a mama you gotta pull up the disposable undies and take what comes your way unfortunately

68

I think it would be good for your mental health if at all possible to lean into gratitude that your husband is focused on making sure money is still coming in and you have the option to get other help other then him. I know your in a tough spot and it’s hard. But I find in the darkest moments, that little glimmer is found by finding what can I be grateful for here? Best of luck to you, reach out if depression takes over, and hope you heal quick! :heart:

69

Take it as easy as you possibly can then.
Rest as much as you can. There is a reason were not supposed to resume being super moms right away.
I didn’t listen and ended up keeping my stitches a month because I didn’t heal properly. Because i came home trying to do everything as normal.

70

My husband went to work while I was already at the hospital in labor. He waited till my mom showed up, and it was only like 2 hours (he’s warehouse manager had to give his team job duties) if he has to work, then let him. The extra money will be good.

71

Mine didn’t, but I didn’t have a toddler at home as well. It was just me and my newborn son. If I had a toddler and a newborn and we had already discussed staying home… I would be extremely upset.

72

I’ve had 3 c sections. And each time by 2 weeks pp I was moving around just fine. The more you move around and do stuff the easier it is.

1 Like
73

I understand why you’re upset because he went back on your agreement. now I’ve been a singular parent and had an emergency c section with my daughter, and due to a previous surgery on my hip, with all the never damage I couldn’t walk for three days. I went home after a week and it was rough. I didn’t experience the toddler bit, but family came in to help and I was roaming grocery stores. painful, yes, but also doable. just try to take things slow. toddlers are a menace and will want extra attention because of the baby. don’t pick your toddler up, but rather sit down and cuddle. if you must cook, try quick dishes so you’re not standing for too long. it will take time to adapt, but try not to strain yourself, as it will slow the healing process. adaptation is key

2 Likes
74

My husband took to weeks off when I had my C-section but I was up and doing for myself and baby by day one of being home And by the end of the first week I was begging him to go to work :joy: y’all have 2 kids now y’all need the money :joy:

75

See if he is willing to hire a postpartum Doula to help you

76

How was he after the first kid? He probably just wants to get away. I have had moments where I need to have my own time. Men can get postpartum depression too

1 Like
77

Honestly if he can stay home and he doesn’t want too then that is a problem. Maybe not to leave him but enough for you to talk about it. I personally had my c section a year ago and my husband was able to stay home about close to three weeks and it definitely helped me because I was in so much pain and yes I was walking right away but still needed help with our older kids. He would’ve stayed home longer if he could but with the Navy we only got so many days they gave him. But believe me when I say as soon as he got home he went straight to helping around the house and me. Other people recover differently so I don’t see why she’s being told she should be fine by then. Just try to stay relax though and just do what you can. Talk to him though and do ask family for help if needed. I wish my mom would’ve been there for us but she was out of state. Hugs :heart:

2 Likes
78

My kids dad stayed home for a week after both my c-sections. I was fine even looking after a toddler and 3 dogs and up and down stairs. No housework got done but all of us survived.

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79

I had 2 c-sections and neither time did daddy take time off work, other than the day of birth and the first day after. With the first child my mom would come on her lunch hours and be with baby so I could shower, or do dishes, or nap. An hour a day I had company and assistance. You need to figure it out, your 2 weeks post partum. Put on your big girl panties (literally the ones from the hospital are SO comfy) and be a mom. I get it, it’s hard and demanding, but right now you sound like a spoiled brat. Sorry :woman_shrugging:t2:
When my SIL had a c-section a week later she also had her gall bladder removed, after 2 weeks my brother returned to work and I lived with them for a week as she had 2 surgeries within 7 days. I cleaned the house and made meals. She tended to baby. It’s not unusual to have outside help. Swallow your pride, it’s okay to seek help in others.

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80

All these here saying get on with it - and oh I was up and about blah blah, good for YOU! this lady is clearly upset, in pain and feels she needs support !! Which she obviously isnt getting from her ‘husband’. I also would be devastated if my hub would rather be at work than at home helping with the lives he helped to create - the fact he doesn’t NEED to go and also he’s working hours he wouldn’t usually smells fishy to me but thats my thoughts. Its times like this you see people’s true colours and I feel sorry for you that you are in a relationship with this man. Maybe ybis is your wake up call to see him for who he is and where exactly your going with this relationship. :heart:

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81

My husband has never put his family before his job. He went back to work the day after we came home

82

Mine didn’t! Our first 2 were c sections. The day after we go home is the day he goes back to work. 3rd was vaginal and still back to work when baby was 3 day. Our 4th and last baby he did stay home until she was 5 days old. But that was the longest he ever had. Life doesn’t stop. It’s hard, but it will be okay.

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83

He may be overwhelmed. Let him work. It may be his mental health getaway.

84

I think your husband just doesn’t know how to cope at home with the extra responsibility, so he goes back to work where he does feel comfortable and knows what he is doing.

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85

You manage without him now manage without him full stop kick him out

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86

:flushed: … am I the only woman here that thinks he’s being selfish … for the love of God … they do not NEED the money and he doesn’t NEED to go into work … he’s doing it because he chooses to … I’m so happy for all these amazing supermoms that never has to ask their husbands for “help” … lol … He did make the kids along with her didn’t he? … And telling her to be “grateful”… lol … seriously? … what’s with the double standard?? … if he was cut open through layers of body would you feel it ok for her to leave him alone with a newborn and toddler … wow

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87

Sounds like he’s more comfortable working than being at home. There’s not much to say about it.

88

Could your finances have something to do with it? Maybe you guys can’t afford to have him off work so much and he sees that so he is going back to work to provide an income.

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Adapt, overcome and survive was pretty much forced on me for both my daughters lol it sucks, but my husband didn’t have a choice. He had to go back to work( he also worked out of state and was gone for 8 days straight twice a month). So, I had to adapt.

Use what family you have to help. Get a diaper caddy. I spent the first 2 weeks parenting from our couch which is 100% doable. Toddlers LOVE to help. Make them help! Fetch diapers, bottles, etc. My oldest loved being my helper. No shame in also turning on cartoons for the day either.

It’s hard, but it’s not impossible. My husband couldn’t be there either, but I adapted. You have to adapt. It’s okay to cry and be frustrated.

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90

Idk what’s wrong with my husband then cause you all claim they should not get out off work and help my husband believes it’s the husband who should care for his wife and kids and not anyone else that’s what he would tell me when I gave birth and told him my mom could help me he stayed with me a month and from then when he got home he would take baby as soon as he got in the door and through the night even when I was still on maternity leave I thought maybe since it was a csection but my second I had vaginal and he has been the same way I’m a stay-at-home mom now and he still takes care of but kids so I can rest too husbands should also help with the kids they need daddy time too

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My husband worked through entire time that I was in the hospital. He came to see me and the baby in the evenings for a couple of hours and then went home. He was home with us for the weekend and then went to work that Tuesday. I had our son on Wednesday night, had surgery Friday afternoon and home Saturday morning.

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Okay seems like everyone is totally missing the point of her post… she seems to be upset that they discussed this so that she could have more help and feels she needs it (so quit telling her she doesnt need help because you didnt) and her husband made decisions completely opposite their discussions and agreements and is making it harder on her than it would be if he was just working his normal schedule. And he needs to understand that in doing this, he has lied to her (said he would do one thing and went back on his word) and there are much bigger issues here than whether she “should” need the help or not. He SHOULD be willing to be a partner to her and help her as she needs help.

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93

Some of you have really shitty partners and its showing alot. Lol saying “you will be fine I did it” you guys must be used to the bare minimum from men? Lol its not being selfish or spoiled to have your husband stay home with you after having HIS child. If a man is able to stay home then he should. Its about bonding with your newborn and partner and learning how to be parents together and get into the swing of things. Shit I bet none of your husband’s get up in the middle of the night either. That’s a damn shame. It’s a shared responsibility. Sorry you guys don’t know what its like to have a caring partner.

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Mine wasn’t able to take time off at all except day I hàd my baby . I had complications with my c section I managed fine with toddler. I had no help except when he was home. It was rough

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Maybe this is more about other issues like not feeling heard or the not following through over physically needing the support. You may be seeking mental support and not feeling like you are in it alone. I get it. Maybe your friends or family could help you with that. Or a mom’s group.
His working could be a coping mechanism for him if he is feeling stressed or a little out place. He wants something familiar and to him this feels like he’s doing more for the family than if he stayed home. Just some thoughts. I think maybe you are seeking out to feel supported and many of these comments may not be filling that need . I want you to know I hear you. I want to offer support and maybe a different way of seeing things that might help you or your communication with your SO.

96

Even after my 3rd kiddo (CS) with 2 other lil ones at home, my hubs was back to work full time in a few days :woman_shrugging: you do what you need to do! When I went to my post partum checkup to drive and lift again I drove myself and all 3 kids…some men just don’t like the newborn stage, if he tries to be away from it is try to figure out why. It’s definitely not right that he did it without discussing with you first, but you don’t NEED him, you got this :grin:

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My psychologist said you the Mom… If he helps it’s a bonus - it was honestly the best advice I could have got. I too had a baba and a baby. But I never let him think I needed him. You a lioness don’t give up or in

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98

It’s a thing with guys and not helping like they should… it’s bullshit but what can ya do :person_shrugging:

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What’s wrong with accepting help from someone else? My husband went to work the next day. My wonderful mother in law stayed with me for a week and then my mother stayed the next week.
My husband needed to work so he could support a new baby.

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Make sure you keep that in mind when organizing your bills, or planning your family vacation. Or when the health insurance bill is due.

He isn’t home helping you.