My Mother-in-Law Goes Out of Her Way to Ignore My Son and Me in Favor of Her Other Grandkids: Advice?

Relationships
1

shutterstock_1455643073
shutterstock_14556430731000×563 357 KB

QUESTION:

My mother-in-law has four grandkids, my son being one of them. She is a wonderful grandmother to the other three grandkids, just not to my son.

She sends care packages to the other kids, surprises them with visits and toys, babysitting whenever she can, etc. Yet she does not call my son, send him anything, or spend any time with him.

My mother-in-law lives a few states away from the whole family, and when she does come up to visit, she will spend 6 of her seven-day visit with my husband’s siblings and their kids and only 3 hours with us. My husband defends this behavior by saying his siblings ‘need’ her more; therefore, their kids get more (time, money, love, etc.), but it is really starting to hurt my son and me that our family is never included and always put last.

Is this worth the argument with my husband? How do I address this with my mother-in-law? It sucks to always be left out. Thank you!"

RELATED QUESTION: Does It Sound Like My Mother-in-Law Is Playing Favorites?

TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):

shutterstock_74106664
shutterstock_741066641000×707 767 KB

“Dealt with this kind of MIL witch for 30 years! My husband would make excuses for her at times and then sometimes defend me and our boys. His whole family has issues with me, my boys due to SOMETHING. I would not go to family get-togethers (most of the time) and would NOT make the boys go either especially if they didn’t want to. If my husband wanted to go (which he usually did) he was going by himself! Just don’t talk about it when you get back home because I don’t want to know. She died in October 2019. I went to the funeral out of respect for my husband, but I did NOT shed a tear. There is so much more to this than I can say in one comment, too. It would literally be a book! She was just an evil, hating witch! DING DONG that witch is dead!”

“I would distance myself and my child from her.”

“Do nothing. Let it go. You can’t control other people. She is free to allocate her time and resources as she wishes.”

“I dealt with the same kind of witch. They never change. My kids never understood but what can you do? Especially if your husband is defending her.”

“Do the other grandkids belong to her daughter? If so, maybe she afraid of stepping on ‘in-law’ toes. Whereas with her own daughter, she doesn’t mind imposing on? Next time she coming to town, tell her you would love for her to stay with you for a night. Go from there.”

"What are you going to say? ‘Love my child more!’? Lol. OK, as a grandma of 6, a couple of things MAY be going on here (or all):

  • tighter bond with those parents/ they get along better

  • they have a few kids, you have one

  • yes, grandparents have preferred grandkids

Take it for what it is, promise you, confronting her about it ISN’T going to change anything, maybe make things worse."

“Absolutely not worth the argument. Why try to make someone be involved more than they want to? It hurt my feelings at first but now I realize the important people that want to be in my child’s life will be and she will learn who is and isn’t there for her as she grows.”

“Maybe you or your husband’s personalities clash
 or the child just isn’t bonded with Grandma. Not much you can do but try and build a relationship between them.”

“I feel you. My daughter’s grandma lives 5 minutes away and never sees my child, no calls, nothing. She gets gifts on holidays and if I’m in desperate need of a babysitter I’ll break down and ask her. But she makes efforts to visit other grandchildren in other towns and states. I’m done with it I will never beg someone to be in my child’s life. It’s hard though cuz my daughter doesn’t understand why she doesn’t see her.”

Have a response to this question? Leave it below to help a mama out! Or leave your own question and get responses from real moms!

READ ALL ANSWERS BELOW:

83 Likes
2

Call her out on it. Ask what the problem is.

2 Likes
3

Have you asked her


1 Like
4

I dealt with the same kind of witch. They never change. My kids never understood but what can you do? Especially if your husband is defending her

7 Likes
5

Is the other grandkids her daughter? If so, maybe she afraid of stepping on “inlaw” toes. Whereas with her own daughter, she doesn’t mind imposing on?

Next time she coming to town, tell her you would love for her to stay with you for a night. Go from there.

11 Likes
6

Maybe it’s you, or husband personalities clash
 or the child just isnt bonded with grandma
 not much you can do
 but try and build a relationship between them


4 Likes
7

Maybe you live farther away? Do you talk to her often? Meaning do you have a relationship with her? Share things about your son. Invite and make her more a part of his life.

3 Likes
8

Do unto others as they do to you Don’t let it bother you pay her no mind her loss

3 Likes
9

So you purposely tell the kid you all aren’t invited? Way to go. No wonder its questioned.

7 Likes
10

Can’t force someone to be apart of your child’s life unfortunately. Even if you could why would you want someone who acts like that to be apart of his life??
Your son deserves to be around genuine love and respect at all times. He will grow up just fine without her because he’s got his parents who love him and honestly that’s all that matters :woman_shrugging:

10 Likes
11

When people show you who they are believe them don’t chase her don’t teach your son to chase her. It is truly her loss. You can attempt to rectify the situation by talking to her (your husband is clueless therefore useless) but I wouldn’t hold my breath. Good luck

3 Likes
12

I would distance myself and my child from her

10 Likes
13

Do nothing. Let it go. You can’t control other people. She is free to allocate her time and resources as she wishes.

7 Likes
14

I feel you. My daughters grandma lives 5 minutes away and never sees my child, no calls, nothing. She gets gifts on holidays and if I’m in desperate need of a babysitter I’ll break down and ask her. But she makes efforts to visit other grandchildren in other towns and states. I’m done with it I will never beg someone to be in my child’s life. Its hard though cuz my daughter doesn’t understand why she doesn’t see her

4 Likes
15

My mother-in-law was the same way my kids didn’t miss out my parents made up for it

4 Likes
16

You address it with your husband. His mother, his problem.

5 Likes
17

I’d ask why, tell her u miss her and u want to.see her more often

1 Like
18

What are you going to say?
Love my child more! Lol
Ok as a grandma of 6.
Couple things MAY be going on here or all

  • tighter bond with those parents/ they get along better
  • they have a few kids, you have one
  • yes, grandparents have preferred grandkids
    Take it for what it is, promise you, confronting here about it ISN’T going to change anything, maybe make things worse.
7 Likes
19

Dealt with this kind of MIL witch for 30 years! My husband would make excuses for her at times and then sometimes defend me and our boys. His whole family has issues with me, my boys due to SOMETHING. I would not go to family get togethers (most of the time) and would NOT make the boys go either especially if they didn’t want to. If my husband wanted to go (which he usually did) he was going by himself! Just don’t talk about it when you get back home because I don’t want to know. She died October 2019. I went to the funeral out of respect for my husband, but I did NOT shed a tear. There is so much more to this than I can say in one comment, too. It would literally be a book! She was just an evil, hating witch! DING DONG that witch is dead!

15 Likes
20

My kids have grandparents and great grandparents that do this aswell and although it makes me angry and hurts my heart for my children I simply brush it off bc it’s not worth it my children are blessings and if they cant see that or dont care enough then its their loss :woman_shrugging: my kids have more than enough love from us and some of their other grandparents and relatives they need for nothing so I dont make it a big deal or say anything about it in front of the children but trust me as they get older they notice things for themselves

2 Likes
21

I would just let her know straight up how my child felt about it .

1 Like
22

If she doesn’t want to be a part of his life then he is better off don’t force it

3 Likes
23

Easier said then done to just not let it bother you and say “her loss”. I’ve had similar issues with family members and it does hurt to know your child is not included nor thought of, and YES as they get older they notice too! It’s really tough, I’ve been so sad for my daughter, but we tried to make the best of holidays and special events where she wasn’t included in trick or treating or Thanksgivings without family. We’ve done things like going to a thanksgiving parade, dressing up for Halloween with her, and just making her feel happy and special with who WAS there. When she got older we included friends into things like fourth of July parties or sleepovers or road trips to give her time with other kids! In the end, like others said, sometimes there is nothing you can do to make someone want to include you or your children. You could have a sit down chat with her about it, maybe she can tell you why and it can be changed and things will get better, or maybe it will make it worse and she’ll see you even less. Thats a chance you’d have to take it you talked with her about it. If it doesn’t get better just make sure your son knows that his family that is around loves him very much and it’s not his fault she doesn’t come around much, and if you all know she’s doing something special with the other kids or has when she was in town (like his cousins told him about it and he felt bad he wasn’t included) maybe do something special just your family with him. Even if it’s something small but that you don’t usually do like staying up a little later to watch a movie and popcorn or going to a new park!

2 Likes
24

When she’s in town, express your families excitement to see her. Plan outings with her and the other grandkids. She may not feel needed in your situation, but make sure she knows she’s wanted :revolving_hearts:

1 Like
25

Grandparents have favorites
always!!!

8 Likes
26

Sending hugs :hugs: hope everything works out for your family :heart:

1 Like
27

It’s called favoritism with the grandkids. Been there done that, confronted why the mother in law does it. Nothing changed even after confronting, they don’t see past their blinders.

3 Likes
28

Have you tried speaking with her personally? Maybe she would be willing to include the entire family in activities. Could be a misunderstanding and if not, you cannot force her to change

29

Sounds like things narsasists do

30

Listen
u can’t expect her to think or feel or even understand how u feel
what u can do is control the way u react to it. Although I do agree with u 
its not right, its hurtful 2 yr child
u have to make yr own happiness with or without her. Even if its just those 3 hours
make them The best u can
those other 6 days shes in town but not around
u continue to have yr fun, n live yr happy life n dont dwell on the rest. At the end of the day
u said it yrself, she lives states away
its gonna be u n yr fam
together
so be it n smile n enjoy. If she misses out its on her


2 Likes
31

Definitely something you should bring up with your mother in-law. How do you know the other children get extra toys/care packages ect
? Assumptions can cause a lot of damage.

Your mother in-law will feel naturally more comfortable with her daughter and this is why she may spend more time? It may also be that she doesn’t want to step on your toes?

1 Like
32

My “mother in law” would used to purposely out my kids because of some unresolved issues from her toxic divorce (she was mad my husband who was then 10 didn’t want his father being left alone since his spoiled brat sister chose to live with mom he chose to live with dad) anyways I finally hung the towel and realized my kids did not deserve to be in a toxic, unhealthy situation like that. My biggest thing is what my children will remember from the people in their past, how they felt at the time. I would try to be logical but there was nothing logical about it because that type of behavior is not okay, not acceptable, protect your babies. Set boundaries but do not feel bad for protecting them from any negativity.

2 Likes
33

This always makes me question things. There are two sides to every story. Do you make time for your MIL? Do you have a strained relationship? She may feel unwelcome or uncomfortable in your home if you don’t get along or there are unresolved issues or issues that have never been brought up. I say talk with her, let her know how you are feeling. I had a rough relationship with my MIL for years, we had a long talk and now we get along and I make time for her so she knows she is wanted.

2 Likes
34

No amount of confrontation can change the situation here, if spending three hours with your son is what she deems fit then ride with that, that child has parents that love him and that’s enough.

3 Likes
35

Just bring it up point blank. Be respectful. She may not even realize she is doing it especially if her aim is to be there. Always tell people how your feeling so your not harboring thoughts. She is not a mind reader, she could get mad but so what there is a chance she will also change it and see him more.

1 Like
36

Maybe she doesn’t know call her and invite her out for dinner or have your son draw her pictures and text them to her​:heart::yellow_heart:

1 Like
37

If the focus keeps on being this the hurt will get worse and remain. If you show your son you dont need crappy family to live laugh and love it wont be a thing. Stop dwelling on what you cant control and start planning fun stuff for him you and the hub when shes in town to get your mind off it. I have these issues when my siblings come to town I would clear my schedule etc etc. Not anymore. I could give two shits. And I’m more fun than my kids uncles and aunts anyway.

38

just ask her why she does it

39

Try talking to her, if she doesn’t see a problem with what she is doing then let it go n not worry if she in his life fully or not :woman_shrugging:t3:

40

I wouldn’t let something like this bother me too much. There may be a valid reason. Maybe you are putting off a vibe to her that has hurt her. There’s always two sides to every story. I’m not saying it’s you, but maybe she has taken something the wrong way. Either way its her loss. I’d just not worry about it. when people are mean like this they only hurt themselves. Keep your head up high and give your son extra attention that is missing due to his Grandmother.

41

my son barely ever sees family nobody asks about him or anything my daughters though and nieces get tons of love and attention. From my sister also, I really thinks its because she wanted a boy and holds a lot of resentment that she didnt get one so she treats little boys even the one she watches really harshly like taking it out on them. My son told me he is not comfortable around them anyone because her husband and them say shit about him that makes him sad. He is 4 and they say stuff like hes gonna be a fag and hes got issues because hes quiet and more proper and geekish. So I dont push it. Hes a mamas boy and for whatever reason they hate it.

42

Be thankful for them 3 hours, my kids see theirs 3 or 4 times a year and that’s if she needs something or we ask her to baby sit. And she lives a couple blocks away.

43

Never force a relationship with anyone. Especially family members. This can’t be one sided. If she don’t care, fine! Figure out a way to cope without her. One day hopefully she’ll look back and wish she had done things differently but it’ll be too late! Her loss not yours! Sounds like you’ve done all you could do. Stop beating a dead horse!! Move on.

44

Sometimes people have the problem with the parent not the child so it can put them off wanting to see the child because they don’t wana see the parent for whatever reason. She obviously doesn’t like you. I know its pathetic but thats what I get from this

1 Like
45

Im living somewhat of the same situation with my inlaws but i see it differently. I don’t get along too well with them and prefer to have them around as less as possible. I also see them as not necessary to my kids life more as an extra if they do spend time ( even if its only a little ) or give gifts great but im not gonna force them to. My kids have so many family members that love and cherish them that i don’t stress about my inlaws. We just made it clear to them that if they give gifts like for example at Christmas that it has to be even/fair for everyone if not then to give the gifts privately ( at each kids house not where the party is ). My daughters are 5,2 and 5 months none of them nottice the difference in attention my inlaws give but the day they will i will tell them that it’s not their fault it’s just that we don’t click with everyone. For example i was closer to one grandma than the other just because we where more alike not because one loved me less.
I prefer teaching my girls that not all relationships are the same between everyone and its normal than telling/forcing someone to treat them a certain way and it not being genuine. I hate hypocrite people more than not being treated equally so thats why i see it that way but other parents would prefer for their kids be treated equally no matter what and that ok to.
If it bothers you alot then yes have conversation with your mil.

46

I honestly wish I could give you advice but I’m in the same boat as you. My mil didn’t even come to my son’s 2 birthday but has the nerve to invite us to a kids birthday who isn’t even her grandchild. And she never calls or visits. I just look at it this way your baby will grow up and know who was there for him. And honestly trying to force that relationship will only make it harder and more stressful

3 Likes
47

Maybe his siblings do need her more. Maybe his siblings are trifling a** parents that don’t take very good care of their children and the grandmother tries to fill that void. My mother loves ALL of her grandkids. But she has to do more for 3 of my brothers kids because my brother and the kid’s mother are both UNFIT. So she has to buy their clothes, last Christmas she had to buy ALL of their gifts because their parents are trifling as hell. She still got all of the other kids gifts but they got more from her because their parents didn’t get them anything. I was fine with that. Maybe she feels as though you and your husband are good parents that don’t need her as much. If it bothers you that much, talk to her. :woman_shrugging:t4:

2 Likes
48

I’m willing to bet the one factor here is your husband. The fact that he said that his siblings need her more leads me to believe he is declining the care packages. I’m not sure of MIL financial situation but maybe he has told her not to send anything so she has money for herself. Maybe he doesn’t invite her over like the others. What is their relationship really like? Parents sometimes don’t want to intrude on the daughter in law. Are you the only daughter in law in the picture? If this woman is purposely leaving you out, leave it alone. Don’t force a relationship.

4 Likes
49

Similar thing with my kids
 actually my kids live the closest to her and she still treats them way differently
 their loss not mine or kids


1 Like
50

Tell her how you feel !

51

My grandma does the same I have her only grandkids that live near by that she’s met my cousin has kids she’s never met and she sends them stuff all the time and calls them but not us . I left it alone this has been going on since we were all kids she never cared for us. My kids don’t see her at all

2 Likes
52

My mil lives across the street and I have her only grandkids she spends no time maybe a wave if we are outside I cut her out of their lives

53

So, I have dealt with this and let it go myself. My kids know they have my parents who love them very much and a mom (me) who considers them her world. My kids are old enough now to where it no longer bothers them like it used to. They have accepted the fact that they don’t want them around. You don’t have to do anything. The kids will speak up when it’s time. Trust me on that. My kids did and they feel so much better about the situation. Me and their dad are no longer together but this was going on way before it ended. As long as your kid knows that he is loved by you then it will be okay. It will be their loss in the long run, not yours.

2 Likes
54

If her reasoning truly is that the other children are in more need of love and material things, that she doesn’t feel are provided for the other children, then through the hurt you feel try to recognize that as the utmost compliment to your parenting and the life she believes you provide your child. I understand it doesn’t change how you feel but my sister, brother & I being the grandkids that were spoiled by my mothers mom, I thought I should share. My parents struggled to provide, sometimes we didn’t have a lot of food or our electric would get cut off. My grandma pretty much took care of Christmas and was very involved. She was at all of our recitals and brought us to her house all the time. Even very young, I remember my aunt being resentful towards us because my grandmother did more for us. Spent more money & time with us. My aunt didn’t know until we were older about us going without electric or my parents not having money for Christmas. Or that the reason we were at my grandmothers all the time is because my parents would have terrible fights. My dad worked a dangerous job(SE 7D) at night and slept all day so he would miss all of our shows. So instead she came. She was a hero to us a freaking angel but my aunt didn’t understand that my grandma was filling in for my dad not showing up and my parents not having enough. As adults I’ve grown closer with my aunt (since my grandmothers passing) but I don’t think she really understands what a difference her being there for us made. While it still seems unfair on the other end, a child who’s parents both show up and kids that don’t have to worry about their parents bills or checking to see if the electric got cut off before inviting a friend to get off the bus are really better off but thank goodness my grandma was there. Life could have turned out very different. Sorry for the long post. I’m not sharing this assuming that it relates to the other kids situation, I just wanted to point out that sometimes you might not have the whole story and if you did, would it change your perspective?

1 Like
55

This was me too growing up! I honestly could’ve done without those terrible people in my life from my moms side
I thought after my mom dying anything would change
Cause they didn’t like us as much we didn’t get anything or less than and not thought of
Its so disheartening, cause kids gifts are a form of love they understand.
But time spent is what they remember or want most. If they don’t and the other do then maybe just not bring her around or speak with her woman to woman

1 Like
56

Why have you not gone to see her?

57

This is very common 
 been through it! My kids are in their 20’s now and it never changed. They just accepted it. ThAnk
God for my parents!

58

I have 3 children with my partner and his mum is EXACTLY the same its not because they’re his kids but cz they’re mine. He has 2 children with his Ex too and she’s all over them my little girl is 2 and a half and she’s saw her once when she was a newborn baby! Weve cut her out of our lives and we don’t bother with her anymore kids don’t need that. They asked to see her so I messaged her in December asking if she would like to see them and she replied il let you know when I’m free. Its now September and she still hasn’t let me know its her loss although I wish things were different xx

3 Likes
59

My children are now grown ups. Because of mil with this attitude they have no contact with their cousins. Our family has become very small.

60

You just love your baby boy. You give him all you can. Take him out on activities when she’s around. You can provide a full life for him. Sometimes you just can’t control people.

1 Like
61

Hell yes it’s worth the argument! My mother did that to my youngest daughter
out of 6 of them it was just my youngest and now as an adult, she really resents her AND ME for letting it go on. That’s bs

1 Like
62

I Woulnt ask her or force it if she wanted to she should come to you there’s no excuse for it no child should be left out when others are getting it all it’s very hurtful i Woulnt bother with her They deserve a lot better and would only end up more upset xx

2 Likes
63

I would really want to know why. Make sure she knows its hurting your son. Thats a hateful thing shes doing, and i would want to know why. Your husband should care enough about his sons feelings to confront this issue. Your son will end up resenting them. That creates another issue. These are my feelings you do what you feel is right.

1 Like
64

Absolutely not worth the argument. Why try to make someone be involved more than they want to? It hurt my feelings at first but now I realize the important people that want to be in my child’s life will be and she will learn who is and isn’t there for her as she grows. :woman_shrugging:t3:

4 Likes
65

Best to just let it go tell your son she’s not worth the time or space to be in his life you can make up for it by loving him more your husband could actually be struggling with it but not worth the time to make a seen just move on and be better for it

66

Ignore it, either she will come around or she won’t. But don’t let that burden you child. There are hundreds of elderly folks that need grandkids to love on. You could make friends with a neighbor or someone at church. Just to fill the gap. Life isn’t fair when it comes to mankind. So many people are selfish instead selfless. But God gave us all free will and people are sometimes just down right awful.

5 Likes
67

Not to be rude, but u can’t make her spend her money nor her time with u and ur child. U r gonna have to suck it up and just let it be. Whatever reason it is
and it may be a personal reason ur mother-law does for the other grandkids, but that’s on her.
And I can see what ur husband is saying
y’all may be in a better financial, emotional and physical state than the siblings, so she feels obligated to do more for them.

68

It’s the sad truth but grandparents tend to favor the grandkids that came from their daughters then from their son. Is the other grandkids their daughters kids.

2 Likes
69

My own parents live across the street from me and never try to come over I got tired of doing all the work cause they didn’t like my son calling them by their names
 if they won’t try why should I do everything to get them yo spend time with my sons.

70

Nawa o if mother comes all the time naw you will be like she’s inconvenieting you
your child/children are your responsibility stop monitoring the granny how do you come about all these?! she buys these and that? She’s still studying you because she does not want problems from you, those that have 3kids she’s very free with them, so as times goes on mama will be free to stay longer of course she’s avoiding a rude daughter in law. Focus for your kid and husband :pensive: :pensive:

1 Like
71

Dump the mother in law. Been there done that. Your son will notice later on in life and it will mess with him mentally. And he should be more important than wondering why your MIL is working so hard to NOT be a part of his life. Dump her. Cut contact.

4 Likes
72

Well my mil will stop having anything to do with my daughter since me and her son are divorcing and her daughter is pregnant

73

I feel that it’s your child too and if it is affecting your child you should say something about it.

1 Like
74

Teach your son that there is something wrong with her, not him.
Your husband will never admit that his mommy is at fault. Have your son around people that truly love him. Don’t teach him to go begging for love from someone that is not capable of loving him.

2 Likes
75

This would bother me, I don’t understand why your husband isn’t concerned.

76

You don’t. I’ve been living that for 20 years. Are the siblings sisters? Just try and let it go. I know it’s hard but you have to. My mil told me one day I bad mouth them In front is my kids. I told her my kids are smart I don’t have to say anything about you in front of my children. You do that all in your own with your big mouth.

77

Don’t worry my mom prefers my sisters kids than mine it’s like I tell my wife screw them longest they have me we’re goodđŸș

78

It is your husbands obligation to address this issue.

2 Likes
79

Had similar with everyone living in same town. My kids refused to go and hug her when they would see her because they didn’t really know her. Hurt her feelings, especially when they would hug other family members, but she finally came around and the relationship has greatly improved. Don’t stop praying.

3 Likes
80

Trust me they know. Or they will soon because it will become obvious and it’s hurtful. Both my kids were treated differently than the other two . Good luck but I doubt it will ever change.

8 Likes
81

You can’t force someone to want to be a part of your child’s life and why would you want to
We too went through this with my mother & father in law. I did tell them how much it hurt our children, but it fell on deaf ears. Finally one day I told them
 you’re missing out on knowing 2 amazing children. You’re wasting precious time that one day you’ll regret. The others that you favor will grow up and not appreciate you or have time for you. You’ll then want time with ours, and you’ll be a very blessed if they allow you in their life. Fast forward 20 years and that’s exactly what happened. The others don’t come around. There’s always drama and because I raised loving respectful children, she now has a relationship with them and her great grandchildren. She has said many times how much she regrets how she hurt them. Their grandfather, is just a loss cause

I will say my children were hard on her for a long time. They told her, you mess it up one time and hurt our children the way you hurt us, and we are finished!

8 Likes
82

My mother has 12 grandchildren. I have five of them. She hasn’t seen my children in a very long time. She has seen the other grandchildren almost everyday. I don’t even bother with it. It’s her that loses the love and respect of a child. It’s not worth you and your child getting hurt over. One day she will realize that she is the one that lost the time she had with him. My older two children are now 21 and 18 and both will tell their grandmother that they have no respect for her because of what she has done. Good luck with what you choose to do.

24 Likes
83

No it is not worth the argument. I know it is hurtful but this happens in many families. Happened in mine. My dad’s family had little to do with us but were very involved with his 2 brothers kids. We were 2 of 11 grandchildren for my dad’s parents. We lived in the next town. Fortunately we had my mom’s parents. We were their only grandchildren and very close to them. As the old saying goes you can’t choose your family. Don’t make a big deal out of it.

84

I did not have grandparents growing up so when we had the first grandson he was spoiled as his brother was. BOTH the only grsndsons on both sides of the family. As my sisters and brothers had children my kids got shoved down the list by my parents.But my mother in law was the best grandma they could have had.She spent time telling family stories teaching them about farming ,fishing ,driving a tractor.I hope your parents can fill that void in there lives.When my parents got older my sons stepped up to help them.The saw what they had missed.Iam so proud my sons stepped up to help them.

4 Likes
85

It’s definitely worth the argument! Do not back down, as when my children started noticing this, I stepped in. Your husband should defend his family first & always. My MIL almost destroyed my marriage sadly, but today almost 9yrs later it’s a lot better. Good luck Momma!

3 Likes
86

It seems like she doesn’t like you so she is taking it out on your child. Unless she doesn’t like her son who is the child’s father. Your husband is making excuses for her. He should tell his mother that she is hurting her innocent grandson’s feelings. She is saying gma loves your cousins but not you. I was child from my dad’s 1st marriage. He had 3 kids with his 3rd wife. When gma came to town it was all about them and I was not included. She was only gma I had because my maternal gma died when I was 4. Talk to her or cut her out of your life completely. Let your husband just have his relationship with her by himself.

11 Likes
87

Mother in laws in particular love playing mind games just don’t give into it give ur kid all the love and care he needs its her loss why fret over something you can’t control :hugs:

1 Like
88

Next time she’s in town and wants to spend even one second with him, conveniently have plans.
Her loss, there will come a day when she wants his love and attention and he won’t be there.

10 Likes
89

I cut ties with my grandmother for a situation close to this. We determined she can only love 1 grandchild at a time. I grew up with it and I’m not putting my children (her great grandchildren) through it. She’s still my grandmother and I will always love her but some people are just toxic and I’m not exposing my young children to that situation any longer. It’s been about 3 years since we have seen her. I have other cousins who have done the same thing too.

10 Likes
90

I personally went thru the same thing with my In-laws
we have 4 boys
they were always left out of everything
birthday celebrations (their birthdays were never remembered/no gift or cards.).No Xmas gifts
No visits/phone calls
My kid were not stupid they saw the special treatment given to the other grandchildren .My In-laws would always say well you have 2 parents for your children
they only have one parent
and they need more love then your kids
The way we handled it was 
We stopped taking our children there 
They lost out on watching our 4 children grow-up into wonderful adults


3 Likes
91

Honestly there isn’t anything you can do about it.
My in laws live in Florida, and my sister in law has 2 kids and lives 30 minutes from us. (We both live 12 hours from the parents)
They fly up to watch her kids, have the kids flown down for weeks or a month at a time, but never ask for our child, and only let us know they are coming up when they need rides to and from the air port (that’s all we see them.)
We’ve told them how it feels multiple times, we always take all of our vacations to visit them (instead of my family) and recently my husband and I both decided we just wanted a break from his family for a while.
My husband did defend them for the longest time, but finally he sees what I see or is at least willing to acknowledge it.
I’m sure it’s hard for him to accept how his family is, and he sees it, he might but not want to pay much attention to it because it hurts.

3 Likes
92

My parents did the same thing—always investing more in my siblings kids. It’s because they approved of their lifestyles so they wanted to be supportive. I’m the child that made all the mistakes—married twice, pregnant outside of marriage, living with someone without being married. In their mind, any support towards the kids was taking part in my life choices and was therefore immoral. So they always kept their distance from my life. I was always welcome at family gatherings but not much time invested outside of that. It always hurt.

93

I’m so sorry. What will make the difference in how he grows up, wondering what he did to make her not treat him as well as her other grands, is how you react. For the sake of your son, downplay it. He will be grown before you know it. He will know the shortcoming is in her, not him. I speak from experience. Be all you can be to him and you will reap that goodness and she will not.

2 Likes
94

my son went thru this with my husband’s dad and his second wife. he was left out of absolutely everything and it was because they did not like me. I had to constantly reassure my son that he was being treated that way because his grandparents did not like me and remind him that he did have a set of grandparents who absolutely adored him, especially his grandpa who he had a amazing relationship. I didn’t talk to my in laws about it because i knew they would say it was not true, so i just decided to let my son see it and build him up and my parents were there to always make sure he felt love and acceptance. He turned out fine, but never had a relationship with my husband’s parents and now he is going to court to change his last name to my maiden name. He wants to show respect to my father, who was the real grandpa to him. My husband is hurt, but completely understands and gave him his blessings to do it. You can’t make someone love your child
you need to do it any and every way you can and your son will understand more and more as he gets older

1 Like
95

That’s not right an u should talk to her . Your son should not be left out, but be sure udont make him aware of it. She knows what she’s doing so may not change. But u can make her aware of it ansee if it helps. Children should never be compared

4 Likes
96

I’ve been married for 27 yrs and my husband never did anything about it.
My husband have an older son which was her favorite and her daughter son’s
In the beginning it really hurts, but eventually is their loss. The love my kids have for them is nothing compared to the one who been their since day one.
It was my mother in law and his 2 sister.
Kids know who was always looking out for them and showing love.

1 Like
97

As mothers we feel for our kids. You know that in time your son will see the difference but In my opinion don’t beg someone to see how special your kid is. Your son will never need someone like that in his life. I have a few of those people in my sons life that will post about how much my son means to them but have barely seen him and never call. It’s annoying but brush it off. He has you and your husband and that’s all he will ever really need!

7 Likes
98

It sounds like your husband and his mother don’t have the same relationship as his siblings do with their mother. Just keep your son uninformed about the gifts and things so he doesn’t feel neglected and you handle yourself with grace when she is around, don’t rearrange your plans for her if your available good if not oh well you make your apology and carry on she will get the idea and make adjustments or not

99

I went thru the same thing but it was my mom and her husband that did it. Doted on my sister and her daughters and never did anything for my boys.

My boys are now grown and have nothing to do with them.

BTW my ex monster in law never had anything to do with them either

1 Like
100

Is your son old enough to have realized this or has he questioned her ways? Is he old enough to even know what is going on? If not was this information passed to or imposed, on him, by you?
That aside
I’m very direct in my approach so I would simply confront her with your feelings, how it impacts you, your marriage and your child. This will only get worse, the longer is festers, and the longer you despise it. Some grandmothers do prefer one child or a set of grandchildren, over another. Reasons vary. Ask and get it over with. She has to give you an answer. If you feel that answer is not solid or seems disingenuous, walk away and cut your losses. Simply tolerate her, when she comes to visit. Don’t put your love and energy into someone who is not interested in your welfare or that of your child. BTW your husband needs to be more supportive, in this situation. He should be just as concerned.

1 Like