I was in the hospital major surgery yesterday and my kids dad left me there to go hang out get himself and who ever McDonald’s with my money but nothing for me not even a soda or frappe was not there when I woke up dint answer first phone call from hospital and he took my phone! And they told him how long id be under thank God nothing emergency wise dint happen i had no one when i was under anastesia my feelings aren’t supposed to be hurt!! I’m a jerk for crying its all my fault even though kids were being taken care of he didn’t even need to leave till after 12 when I was in recovery! I had my best friend staying threw my back surgery being there when I woke up really shows how much she cared because I was scared af that was 2yrs ago!! My question is i guess does anyone else think its messed up he left me there yesterday? I really think he’s a narcissist says he was there for me!
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. Was this messed up or is it just me?
Most places require there to be an adult with you for a procedure
I’m sorry. I’ve had my fair share of that narcissistic behavior as well. Totally rude and disrespectful for him to do that. I’d keep him at a far distance.
Major surgery as in you would not be released from the hospital same day?
Did the hospital call him once you went into post op recovery? I had tonsil surgery back in sept. My fiance did leave the building when I was in the surgery but they called him once I was done and in post op and he came back as I was waking up when he was allowed to.
The McDonald’s thing I wouldn’t be upset over honestly. Typically after surgery it’s usually crackers or ginger ale things like that to make sure your stomach won’t be upset. I wouldn’t bring back McDonald’s for anyone after surgery. The next day sure, but not after surgery.
Staying there and staring at the walls isn’t doing anything for anyone. Let the man go about his life you were in good hands
Also, you said your kids dad. Is he your bf or just your kids father?
If you feel like he wasnt there for you then yea your right. I would be mad myself.
My wife just had surgery a month ago. I was allowed to walk her into the hospital and to the surgery area then I had to either wait in the waiting room or inmt vehicle. I waited in my vehicle for 6 hrs. I wasn’t about to leave my wife. Even though I wasn’t inside the hospital I was in the parking lot. I chose to sit outside because of how many people was crammed in the waiting room. With Covid, I thought it’d be safer in my vehicle. I went to Kroger and got something to snack on while I waited. I was gone for 10 minutes. Even then I was worried. But she hadn’t even went back to surgery yet and was texting me the entire time. I think it’s crappy that he left you. He had no idea what could’ve gone wrong. And for him to say he was there for you, he wasn’t. I’m sorry you’re going thru this
That’s Grosse! Terrible
You called him your kids father, is he not your boyfriend/husband?
If he’s not with you in a relationship, I don’t see why you’d be so upset he left? Was it talked about before hand that he would stay?
I had surgery last October, and I specifically told my husband not to sit at the hospital. There was no point in him sitting in the waiting room. He left, the hospital called him when I was taken into recovery. I woke up before he got there. It wasn’t a big deal.
That’s awful girl. He should have been there for you. I’d leave. But that’s just me
Time to make a change and move on.
My husband had surgery and they wouldn’t let anyone in to wait, they called me when he was in recovery. You probably couldn’t have McDonald’s right after surgery anyway. Pick your battles in relationships otherwise everything could become a battle.
He went to eat nothing wrong with that. Its not like he never came back.
Wow very insensitive talk with him idk maybe he was thinking differently. Maybe hospital told him something different. See his side and if he has to make up stuff then you know your answer.
Seems like you’re looking for a reason to be pissed off. You’re being petty. Focus on healing.
he might be having his own problems and neds not getting met , and no one helping him either , show him some love , see how that works for you
He’s a super selfish dick
Yes it is messed up i had major surgery my ex beat the hell out me night before and then took off to a cabin with the chick he was cheating with he wouldn’t even pick me up
I’d leave that mfer fast
I had my tubes tied and my hubs left and the hospital called him when I was moved from OR to recovery, when I woke up he was at the end of my bed lol
Last yr I had “emergency” lung surgery and he simply wasnt allowedto wait at the hospital due to covid protocols (they let him stay when he came back when the surgery went longer than he was told but it was also close to midnight at that point)
different strokes for different folks
But it seems silly to me to be mad that he wasnt there for an emergency that didn’t happen
I’m noticing you said your kids dad and not your significant other. If y’all aren’t in a relationship then he shouldn’t have used your money but I feel like he had every right to run and get some food. He should’ve answered the phone when the hospital called though
No he wasn’t you can’t count on him lose him friend or boyfriend.no good
Alot of men are insensitive and just don’t think.you almost have to tell some word for word what you need.if you have a good relationship otherwise I’d just let this go.think of the many times he’s shown you care and love on other occasions. If there aren’t any to think of,maybe your with the wrong man.
Yes I wouldn’t like that I had a caesarean my husband was there the whole time!
I totally agree with you. He should have stayed.
When I was pregnant with my second child my now ex husband was in a meeting and I had fallen at the house. I had a routine visit that day, had to take my almost 2 year old with me because I had no sitter. My ob wanted to monitor me at the hospital to make sure the baby was ok due to the fall. I get there, with an almost 2 year old, and am strapped to a bed monitor in labor and delivery. With an almost 2 year old running around the room touching everything. I called my husband and no answer. I called him probably 50 times…not exaggerating. I call my mom, who is about 45 minutes away. She shows up before my husband who happened to be in a meeting about 10 walking minutes from the hospital. He turned the ringer off because the meeting was “important”. I was livid. My placenta had torn and had to stay overnight.
Another time I was in a car accident, with my 2 small boys with me, and again must have called over 25 times. His father, who I called and he picked up first ring, was working out and left in the middle of his work out class and got to the house before my husband pulled in the driveway. My husband was getting Starbucks for himself and couldn’t be bothered. He’s an ex for a reason.
Most hospitals don’t allow visitors. I had major surgery too. Drove myself there and drove myself home the next day.
I would be upset but it’s not worth a fight.
He wasn’t, I’m sorry you went through that alone… but sounds like you have a great partner! Your friend!
My husband of 34 yrs always did that to Mr. When he was in hospital I was expected to stay as long as they’d let me. He doesn’t care about you or your needs don’t wait a lifetime to learn ty he lesson like I did…
I feel you in my soul on this one. I gave birth and was left to fend for myself and my newborn (the hospital doesn’t have nurseries so baby stays in room with mom from birth until released) I had just pushed out a human and was left by myself. I’m sorry you deal with this.
If he was taking care of y’all’s kids and life outside of the hospital then give him a break we women tend to forget that men aren’t “built” to deal with the day to day with the kids and such and he may have been a little anxious sitting in a hospital alone waiting and needed an out to clear his head of those anxious feeling … and best friends are the best for a reason plus she is a woman we tend to be more nurturing than men
Let me Telya, I had major neck surgery in 2018 from my fall in 2017. My husband was too busy talking to other women then he was about bringing up our than 12-year-old to see me before I went into surgery. The only reason why I didn’t go in surgery earlier in the days because the doctor doing my surgery had an emergency surgery come in that need to be handled right away. So when my AC DF surgery took place was later in the evening after they were he was already done work and she was done school. My older daughter was sitting with me at the hospital with my granddaughter. When I was in the room and I see you and they woke me up, right after that my husband and daughter came in and my 12-year-old passed out because she was so upset and everything at seeing me the way I was now you know since I had the surgery that it was she would’ve been before I got it. She would’ve been fine sheets in before I went in for surgery she actually would’ve been relieved, but he was too busy being anal then he was to actually be at the hospital for me to get my surgery done and have my daughter there. Mind you I said make sure that she get something to eat I don’t care if you buy McDonald’s whatever make sure she eats because he told her I was just fend for selves there’s lunch meat in the fridge or whatever and that was it he didn’t make sure she ate she’s a bucket of freaking nerves because her mom is at the ER. I didn’t find out till the morning that I had to have emergency surgery on my neck. That being said he didn’t step up to the plate is the father and do anything. When everything was said and done him and I had a nice little go round and I spoke up and told him everything I knew everything I was pissed off as all hell. I made the women’s lives that he was talking to a live in freaking hell with our husbands some of them are divorced now because of it. One woman even got fired from her job because of the shit she was sending. I don’t play when it comes to my kids and what was going on with my kids. He learned a very hard lesson if you can’t step up to the plate when it’s needed most then you need to walk away.
I’d be upset that he left me during a major surgery, when he could have gone after he knew I was ok, but not about him not bringing me food.
Not enough information. I get you want him to stay but at the same time I could see why he didn’t want to sit & wait. He went to go eat which is not something to be upset over at all my dear, unless you like watered down soda, a melted frappe, or cold food. Your not suppose to eat right after major surgery. Who did he eat with? Did you ask what he was doing when he didn’t answer the call? ( my ex was in recovery & was mad I didn’t answer my phone but I was feeding & changing our infant ). Also, you said your kids dad & not your significant other so is this an ex? Are you guys in a relationship? If your not together then he’s not obligated to stay with you. I have a narcissist ex & I definitely wouldn’t want him around me after I had surgery. There’s a lot more information needed to assess this correctly. Heal soon.
I think in this situation, it may be more than meets the eye. Meaning, when a partner has surgery and you have a family, sometimes they may have to step away from the hospital to get things done, run errands, care for the kids, etc. I would communicate with him on the things you felt he could have handled better. Ask explicitly what you would like to know. Your focus is to HEAL completely. Not to get worked up. It will all work out how it’s supposed to.
Extremely messed up. I’ve had a few surgeries, one of them was very long. And my husband stayed at the hospital the whole time. Only exception was the one that happened in the beginning of the pandemic bcuz he wasn’t allowed in the hospital. But he responded to every text update from my surgical team and updated my family along the way.
Your feelings are valid. This could very well be narc behavior, it sounds like it to me.
I would of kicked his ass to the cerve
As a nurse…it isn’t necessary for family to sit for hours while you are in surgery. The chairs are uncomfortable, it’s frequently cold, the channels they play on the tv are shit. And there is literally NOTHING they can do. The food in the hospital cafeteria is expensive and not good. If he had the children I absolutely think you are overreacting. McDonald’s is going to get the kids out of the boring ass/ dirty waiting room, feed them and save you money.
I had a dr appt the other day and have to have some tests run this week. My husband made sure he had the day off so he could come with me. The testing I will go by myself because of hospital restrictions. I couldn’t imagine him not being there if I have to have surgery/treatment. Just like when he had hernia surgery at Mayo, was suppose to take a few hours, lasted 8 hours and I was there the entire time, I would have never left. During his stay, I drove 4 hours home on 2 different occasions to work qn 8 hour shift and drove back up there the next day.
The same thing happened to me about 6 years ago. I actually had to start walking when I got discharged and he passed me, in my car, driving another girl somewhere. The stupidest decision I ever made was to let that relationship continue any longer.
I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I been with my husband for 9 years, and I have had 7 surgeries since we have been together. 2 C sections, gall bladder removal, a tubal ligation, 2 kidney procedures, and a hysterectomy. Not one time did he leave before, during, or after. Bec he wanted to make sure I was okay.
I say all this Bec some men are insensitive to their partners needs. If he is making you feel bad for having your feelings hurt then he is the problem. Not you. What’s the point of him going with you if he’s just going to leave you there and not be your number one support person? I would heal from surgery and then cut ties with him. He definitely doesn’t have your best interest at heart.
My husband always runs from anything “unpleasant”. It is very hurtful and he does not apologize. Some men really don’t know how to deal with emotions and stress. This doesn’t excuse the behavior.
You guys need to sit down and have a real talk. Go to a counselor or someone to mediate if possible.
I think it’s fine I would rather someone go get something to eat and drink than have to eat the hospital food
Id be extremely pissed him using your money without permission. My ex did this i phoned the police on him i was stuck in hospital for a week.
Also id be quite upset with him for leaving me to face something like that he should of been their thats to me just shows he dont care
I had surgery, my husband and parents were with me until I went back, once I was under they left, went to try and eat, get some things for me, and came back…
My husband also had my phone because I didn’t need it…
they were all there when I woke up on the ICU.
I wouldn’t expect them to wait.
Is he your partner or your ex?
If you have to ask you already know the answer
I will have to say after reading this,the drugs must be very good Most pt’s might not be able to eat after coming out of surgery. Most people are still very groggy for a while, Plus McD’s isn’t the best choice…sorry. As a mother, I would be more worried that my kids (if they are little/young) are being taken care of instead of getting McD’s. If you need something to eat or drink, the nurses would have been more than happy to get you want they can. And when one is under, they really don’t know what is going on anyway If you are looking for an excuse to get rid of him, do it
Actually it sounds like you might be the narcissist. You said he left with whoever to go get Mcdonalds and hangout. Sounds like you dont know for a fact that he had company but added that part to the story so he’d sound worse otherwise you would have directly specified. You obviously have control/trust issues at the very least.
His a dog kick him to the curve. Take your loss and go… It’s men like that that makes all good men look bad… This might hurt you but he should of stayed with you
self centered and selfish. It’s up to you. you staying or going? Good luck.
Why did he need to sit there? Was he suppose to go hungry? You shouldn’t be eating to soon after surgery anyway. Wow. I wouldn’t expect anyone to just sit and wait.
That’s so fucked up that he wasnt there for you and didnt do anything for you after and took your phone. I can understand going to get food but hospitals have a cafeteria for a reason
I just had heart surgery last WK my husband took of 2 days my 2 dearest friends one came to spend the night before I went in had to be there at 6 am we live 45 min from hosp the other came over to the hosp the other came home with us stayed another night but I been there for them my husband had to sit and the cafeteria with them because of covid only one could come upstairs with me but it’s called support caring and just plain being there for each other
I agree that he should have been there when you were waking up, but it sounds like you may be over reacting a little.
If your kids were being taken care of and entertained while you were under and waking up, I don’t think he was in the wrong for not being there every moment of your stay.
Yes, knowing that someone is there to support you is a good feeling, but to ask him to stay with the kids all the time seems a little bit extreme. There’s only so much that each person can handle when stuck in a hospital and I would assume that as a parent you would be understanding of this and encourage them to stay engaged in some way.
Definitely messed up. I had my tubes removed and literally told my husband I was fine so if he needed or wanted to leave while I’m in there, be my guest. I wouldn’t have cared if he wanted to leave and come back for me cause I wasn’t scared and it was a quick procedure and my hospital is only 10 minutes from home. But that man sat there the entire time, never once leaving and the second they called him he was practically running to my room to see me. And then was yelling at me to let him help because I kept trying to do too much myself. If a man cares, you’ll know it. That shit shows he clearly doesn’t care at all and he def doesn’t care about your feelings or when he hurts them. Let that boy go, sis.
If he took your phone that’s not cool. The money thing he should of asked. He probably did get u anything because he might not have known if u could eat or didn’t want to get u cold food.
My husband lost his mind on nurses for letting my pain pump run out and having me in hysterics when one chick drug me out of bed… One of my staples was running and I almost passed out but my being on the toilet was more important to her.
Then, I had emergency gallbladder surgery and there was concern I’d end up septic; my husband never left except to get his charger from the car. He’s not overly affectionate but he was there making sure I was ok…
Anything less than being there and I’d not be married.
Soooo, I couldn’t stay with a narcissistic prick. I don’t need flowers and all that. Just show up. If he can’t do that, nope.
Surery is pretty serious. You have no idea what can go wrong once under. Any all all medical decisions that need to be made. He should have stayed.
Everyone is missing her point. He wasn’t at hospital while surgery was ongoing and he ignored the call from hospital. If something would of happened where a decision had to made at spur of the moment there was no one there to consent. U should never be alone at hospital during surgery. He could of waited til he knew she was in recovery then went and ate. I’m sure he wouldn’t of starved to death
You should’ve be drinking soda or a frappe before or after surgery anyway. After my last surgery 2 years ago they told me light food. My husband made me some steamed rice
It’s understandable that he may have needed to eat. It’s NOT understandable that he left, took your phone, was unavailable, and didn’t bother to be there when you woke up. He should have been there for you.
He’s an ass! He should have been there.
When you get out make sure he has no more access to your money and work on figuring things out for you and the kids. He isn’t worth it. Time for him to go.
Omw this same thing happen when I was pregnant with my son. I had to have emergency endoscopy. My EX was there. I had just gotten paid. While I was in surgery he took my debit card filled his mom’s truck up, bought her groceries, bought them dinner. Spent almost my whole paycheck! I get to my room after surgery and notice ALL the texts of the transactions. Try calling and texting him, NO answer! He shows up hrs later and just said well his mom needed it! NOT my problem! It was MY $, NOT his! Needless to say we are now divorced and I’m sooo much happier!
Some of these comments are harsh , usually the hospital wants an Emergency contact on the hospital campus to give updates and to go to if something bad happens, he could have went and gotten a bite and returned as soon as possible.
I have had 11 major surgeries. None of them was i allowed regular food right after and certainly not fast food or pop. My surgeries have ran hours over and been done a 1/2 hour early. You can be in recovery for an hour or day depending on if a bed is ready, of which they can’t come to see you until you are in a room. This last one my husband wasnt allowed in the hospital. It was a 3 he drive back home. he has stayed the night with me in my hospital bed and he has also gone home. Soooo. Make your wishes known before hand, understand you don’t have control over all the aspects be be glad and grateful you, he, the kids are ok and he didn’t bring you back food that probably helped put you in there
Tell him to pay u back ur money… and tell him to F off… u don’t need that kind of pig in ur life
Op, he was definitely wrong for that. I couldn’t be with someone like that tbh and I’m shocked at the amount of people dismissing his behavior. I think people need to read the post again
I think you’re right. If it was my partner there wouldn’t be any other place or person more important than supporting through surgery and hope it goes well.
My ex husband did this to me when I had my tonsils/adenoids out.
He dropped me off at the front door of the hospital and went home to nap.
I was so angry. I was all alone because we lived in another state while he was in the military. No it wasn’t during COVID. He has never gone to the hospital when me or my kids needed it. It’s always just me. When he needed to go though, he’d cry like a baby if I didn’t sit there with him.
Men are idiots
I had cancer and had to have surgery. When I woke up in the room all I could hear was my EX whining about the wifi and was demanding an ethernet cord. He wasn’t supportive at all through the surgeries and chemo. He made it look like he was to outsiders. Soon as i was healthy I left his ass.
My husband has always been with me getting surgery of any kind since I was 18…he has never left me like that. In fact the person responsible for driving you home is supposed to stay the entire time until they can help you get home.
He better pay you back smh that’s so rude !
Most places won’t approve of someone leaving
If he’s the kids dad and not your husband/boyfriend, then no he’s not really a jerk for not sticking around. He’s taking care of the kids. However, he’s a jerk for stealing your phone and money. If you two are still together he should’ve stayed, regardless of if y’all are together if he’s taking your money he should’ve fed you too.
My boyfriend just had hand surgery he was awake for it an it only lasted 2 hours but I stayed at the hospital and made sure my ringer was on he told me to go shopping but I decided to eat in the cafeteria so I was close in case something happened.
My husband has always been there when I had surgery and I for him if he had surgery
How is this even a question ? Of course it’s messed up I hope aren’t you thinking of staying with him. And where’s his money why is he getting himself and everyone Mac Donald’s and whatever else with your money ?
What an a… you deserve better
Ok, was he watching the kids for you or was someone else watching the kids? How old are they? If he was wrangling young ones who may be squirming, yelling, running around, fighting, or just being noisy & unruly he may have had his hands full & not been able to hear the phone ring. Are the kids allowed in the surgical place? If it was just him & the kids were elsewhere that’s different.
McDonalds is terrible food and drink for anyone at any time, but especially after surgery. And coffee or soda with all the caffeine and acid? Absolutely not. You may not even be able to digest anything well until the anesthesia is out of your system, so don’t blame him for not bringing you any.
What do you think he could do while you were under anesthesia even if something went wrong? No one is allowed in a sterile operating room. And he took your phone so it wouldn’t be stolen, lost or broken while you were out of it. Was his phone on silent at the hospital and he forgot to turn it back on?
Did he know how scared and nervous you were? Did you tell him? I know it may have been the last thing on your mind, but you have to tell him exactly what you want him to do for you as he may feel differently. Men want to take action, but you may have to tell them when you need reassurance, hand-holding, hugs as they’re socialized to be stoic.
For example, I want someone to dote on me when I’m sick, my ex just wanted to be left alone. I want lots of visitors, he doesn’t want anyone to see him in the hospital.
Fucked that he left fucked he bought him and someone else food on ur dime fucked he didn’t answer when you called. Dude is toxic. Drop him.
Does the hospital have COVID protocols in place??If he was to stay with you would there be anyone to watch the kids?? Did the hospital allow you to eat outside food after surgery??? All this seems soooooo petty to me but then again what’s the point of someone staying at the hospital while in surgery…
Was he allowed with the covid rules. Guess it depends on it kids had no one else to be with. How old r they and could they do for themselves. But he should have coke back once he got them settled and was ok. Unless there was no sitter. He prob didn’t want ur phone go get stolen maybe. Things happen when ur in hospital. Sorry and hope ur better and he’s back
Very thoughtless of him.
Second Labor he slept through
Third he went off with another woman and went out drinking…
4th when they were doing interventions - medically- he left
Do yourself a favour and leave- if you haven’t… these pivotal moments define a person and their lack.
Sorry but I can understand him not getting you any food as you were in the operation room and he came in after your sugery so I really can’t understand why you are upset.
I drove myself to ER once because NY husband did not want to be stuck at hospital waiting on me with our two kids. Priorities. A year later I got a call from his girlfriend. Divorced after 18 years. Watch for the signs.
I probably would have been a little mad that he didn’t pick up the phone call, in saying that it turned out fine (no point stil being upset about a “what if”, that didnt end up happening). I also wouldn’t expect my partner to sit around if he’s hungry while I’m in surgery then he should be able to get some food?
If he’s got the kids and isn’t your partner he doesn’t need to stay ?
No one has stuck around for my surgery ever. Like who wants to sit in a hospital for 4 hours.
Definitely messed up he clearly has no compassion for you his a dick for not even getting u anything doesn’t matter if he has to see to the kids his supposed to be there for you thru surgery his a total asshole its no excuse
You probably wouldn’t be able to have any drinks or food for a while. But yes, he should had stayed with you. That kinda sounds like you are not that important to him. When I have been in hospital. My husband has always stayed with me.
I’m confused. Is he just your kids father or is he your boyfriend? If he’s your bf he shouldve at least had his phone on. He shouldn’t have taken your money to get McDonald’s. I can see not staying at the hospital the whole time you’re in surgery. Some people can’t sit in a hospital that long doing nothing. He should’ve answered his phone though.
Yeah I would take it personally in that situation. My husband may be a big dummy when it comes to alot of things, but never in the moments he’s really needed or serious situations like surgery. The important stuff is what really counts and how you show others you care for them. Period